how often do you visit the care home

My son's car broke down earlier in the year, and it took a month for him to sort out another one. During that month he borrowed mine, so I could not go and see my mother-in-law.
When I eventually went to see her again, nothing had changed. She had not noticed I had not been for a month. Pot luck whether she remembered my name or not, so I no longer feel guilty if I do not go for a fortnight.
I leave weekend visits for those who live nearer to her but work, so I only go on Monday or Friday afternoons. It's better to not go all together as she gets flustered then, and starts shouting.

I think life would be easier if we did not expect too much from our relative or ourselves when we visit.

I had responsibilities for an aunt and visited her roughly every fortnight for the six years she was in care. Her care home was 70 miles away and I could not get down anymore frequently. She did have other closer visitors. When I walked in I never expected her to recognise me and always said ' Hallo Joan, its FlicketyB come to visit'. About six months before she died, she looked up when I came into the room and before I could speak, she said 'Hallo FlicketyB'.

That totally unexpected recognition made, not just my day, but several weeks.

It's been nearly two weeks since I visited my Dad. Last week he had a chest infection, and I was tired and unwell myself, so I didn't visit. I have just come back from the care home! Dad was his usual jovial self. He had not noticed that I was nearly a week late in visiting him. I went this morning en-route to a plant nursery. It was about 11.00am, and all he could ask about was his dinner, even though he was eating a banana while we were there. It's good to see he still has a healthy appetite!!
The plant nursery was fab. It has a new attraction for children,"Dino World". There is an entrance fee, so we didn't go to have a look. We had lunch there, and came home.

It was totally heart breaking to do down from Leics to Surrey to visit DH's mum, who was afflicted by Alzheimers- for her to be asleep, and then not recognise him (us) and then drive all the way back again (usually double the time due to heavy returning w/end traffic.

For my parents, who were in an OAP home only 5 mins away- and as dad was absolutely compus mentis and hated being there- we would go every day if we could. We would bring photos to look at, or the papers and discuss, or play Scrabble which he loved. But at least we knew he really appreciated it and enjoyed our visits, even if he took the opportunity to have a good moan (and fair enough- one reason I will do everything in my power to avoid going into one- like being cared for at home and then ...).

Please do not feel guilty- it's hard enough. Go when you can, when you feel strong enough- and then let go and live your life and enjoy it... it's far too short for wasting it on guilt.

It is so difficult to not feel guilty, even when we know that we are doing everything reasonably possible.

My Mother was in a CH in Somerset, we would visit as often as we could afford the journey and hotels (a 500 mile round trip). She would complain about my Brother and her carers (it was an excellent CH) all the time we were there, and as soon as we were home again she would have forgotten we visited and be asking when we were coming to see her. We could never win. My Brother had problems of his own, his wife was very ill and caring for her was a 24/7 task that drained him. After his wife died he was in such a poor physical and mental state that he could only visit occasionally.
Mum and Dad moved to Somerset when they retired to be nearer my Brother, with hindsight it was a bad move as Dad died only a couple of years after they moved.

We could change none of this, but still felt guilty, which is a normal reaction .
So try to live your own life and visit when you can. it is all you can do.

This a sad yet positive thread, because so many kind and caring people are talking honestly about the conflicting emotions involved. We no longer have any parents or elderly relatives to care for, in fact we are now the older generation in our family. Almost all of us have some kind of health stuff, we all have recent memories of caring for elderly relatives, no one wants to be a burden to our younger family members. Such is life. Sending love and best wishes to all you carers

My mother spent the last months of her life, not in a care home but in hospital after a fall. My younger brother had given up work to be her carer and one sister who lived hear the hospital visited regularly. I travelled almost 100 miles every Friday, returning home Sunday, to relieve my brother, as I worked full time. The care she received was so poor that she developed malnutrition and we had to feed her. One of us was there every mealtime as we discovered that food was brought and left where she could not reach it (She had previously had a stroke and could not use her right hand). She then did not want to eat. As granjura pointed out she may finally have wished to end it and resisted all our efforts.

Finally the hospital decided to 'tube feed' her through a peg in her stomach which was not properly taped and became infected. This was the main cause of her death.

Sadly the hospital had not recognised that she initially had broken her ribs when she fell (which was actually discovered by her GP when she was moved to her local cottage hospital). They forced her to sit up in a chair, ignoring her agony. When she became bedridden she developed a horrific bedsore which also must have been agony. No wonder she could not take any more!

We also suffer guilt as we believed the hospital knew best even though it was patently obvious, in retrospect, that they did not. We believe now, that had we taken her home she probably would have survived for many more years. We have all had to come to terms with this and move on.

Grandma 2213 that is a terrible experience. I do hope you made a strong complaint afterwards, not that that is any consolation after an experience like yours.

I agree with your post Flickety - appalling but nothing to feel guilty about as we do put our trust in the professionals.

Iam, I sometimes think that I am glad that I (currently!!) get on well with my children and they seem to like me! I don't want to become a burden but I fear I will.

kitty I share your fear, and I'm sure lots of us probably feel the same.

We often wonder how people within inhuman regimes can behave the way they do but within a regime with so much humanity we seem to have allowed people in certain groups to be treated as less than human.

I am so sorry your mother had to experience this Grandma2213. Surely we must be able to do something to ensure people don't continue to be treated in this way.

Flickety B We complained over many incidents while she was in the hospital and were treated as time wasting nuisances. Initially we were able to enter the ward easily but after our complaints the door was locked (ostensibly because of vulnerable, wandering patients!) They then knew when we were there as we had to make a request to get in (or were we being paranoid?) My brother, her main carer, was so traumatised with guilt afterwards that we made a family decision not to make a formal complaint as we felt he had suffered enough and it would not bring her back.

However there was a TV investigation programme shortly afterwards showing some of the terrible things we witnessed, eg bags of waste in corridors, poor cleaning and hygiene, incompetent porters and much more. I think the programme was by an investigator named McIntyre.

I have to say this took place 12 years ago but I have recently found that the hospital in question is still underperforming and is under investigation. Nothing has changed! Gracesgran I feel helpless to influence any of this.

To be fair I have had hospital treatment which was first class, for a replacement hip and an eye operation but not in that NHS trust area. Is it a postcode lottery or is it because I am still not 'old enough'.

I understand, 30 years ago when DMiL died I wanted to make a complaint about the hospitals failure to inform us that her death was imminent so that DH only reached her bedside minutes before she died ( and that's a simplification of all that happened that day). He was so traumatised he couldn't face it, and I understood that.

In 2008 when I, as carer, and my elderly aunt and uncle, both with dementia were traumatised by the failures of Social Services, I did complain. I made it as awkward and as difficult for them as possible. After what they had done to me and my relations, I felt they should feel a bit of what I felt.

You'd think after all this time, when there's so much time and money spent on training, all hospitals would be performing to a high standard. Most are, but why not all?

Wouldn't it be a good idea if there was a third layer of care between hospital and care (nursing) homes? It would leave the hospital free to care for emergencies - a short stay place for the majority until they were stable enough to move. They could be called cottage hospitals!

We used to have the third layer NfkDumpling where people went to finish recuperating but now they are sent home.

I was listening to a women who runs a large hospital successfully the other day - on something like "The Bottom Line" and it was really interesting. They over recruit nurses, e.g., if there are two good nurses interviewed for one job they employ them both. This means they are cutting back on agency nurses slowly but surely. They employ people - good at their jobs but presumably costing less - to look after the house keeping jobs such as ensuring the linen cupboards (?) are kept stocked etc., so that nurses can nurse and money is saved. They have also done something about the time it takes to get prescriptions filled which can delay release of patients.

It seemed to me that we need more common sense like this

I have often felt that the NHS is run for the convenience of the staff rather than the patients.

This is not to decry the really superb care given to patients, especially in emergencies, but long hours spent in waiting rooms, sat on chairs that offer no comfort, especially if the patient is not feeling well, clinics rigidly run at really inconvenient times with no flexibility when patients find this inconvenient

I went to see my mum yesterday with 2x dgc. I have no idea who she thought they were but she told everyone that I was her mother!

I know Gracesgran. We had a cottage hospital here in our town which used to take people from the main hospitals. There were two more within ten miles - one a convalescence home. They're all gone. The 24 convalescence beds in our cottage hospital were replaced by nine in the local care home. This with a rising population. And they wonder why there's bed blocking.

You say you think that programme was The Bottom Line?

NfkDumpling It was "The Bottom Line" I have checked. It was a programme on productivity would you believe - I thought it was very interesting. You can hear it here www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b05w4jxk

My mother died last year, but she was on kidney dialysis and wheelchair bound for the last years of her life, so subject to frequent infections. After one hospitalisation, it was decided that she couldn't cope at home any more, so was transferred to what could be described as a cottage hospital, I think it's official title was intermediate care. It was absolutely appalling and the attitude of some of the staff was atrocious, not to say downright cruel. She got a really bad UTI in there, which they didn't recognise - I did, purely because of her mental state. The family ended up making several complaints, including 2 formal, written ones. These were ignored. Over a year later, I was told by a social worker that the place had always offered very poor care and she and her colleagues had made numerous complaints, but no action was evident. I subsequently found that the matron (the complaints had gone to her) had been removed and was so pleased that others didn't have to go through the traumas we had to.

We found a wonderful care home, not by going on ratings, but by asking someone from the Local Authority who visited all the homes in the area regularly. It wasn't smart, but it was clean and the staff were warm and caring. I'm convinced that this move gave Mum at least a year of good quality life she wouldn't have had otherwise.

You have to act on what's in front of you, I found a difference between wards in the same hospital. It's the attitude of the staff that seems to be the key, whatever the setting.

Hi Ninathenana

Please don't feel guilty. Think back through the years, how would she have react if she knew she'd upset you?
What about reducing visits and to 30 minutes, once you both are united?
With half term looming, perhaps grandchildren could be persuaded to help.
I don't mean to be disrespectful when I call your mother she or her.

Has she any photos of family gatherings, with her in them?
What flowers does she like? Maybe dry her favourites, then arrange them and put them into a picture frame.
What songs and singers does/did she like?
Did she have any pets and photos of them?
Any photos of places you know she's visited and liked?
Any photos of personalities including royalty she admired?
Does she have a friend in the CH? If she routinely sits next to the same resident, it's a sign the Carers know like each other.
Did/does she like dogs? There's an organisation which will bring a dog into a CH.
Create a montage of different fabrics. Grandchildren might be persuaded to help. Your mother could feel the difference textures. You could ask her to point at the ones she liked best.

I worked in a CH for 7 years, so I hope you find the above helpful.
Good luck

My OP was dated April 2013
Can I draw your attention to my post dated 7/6/2015 on the previous page. I know you meant well but I think you should check dates on posts.

Hi ninathenana this thread seems to go back to April How are things seven months on from the date this thread was posted?
Please don't feel guilty nina. Your mum wouldn't want to stress or upset you. Think back, you know the answer.
Maybe an hour is too long. Why not shorten your visits to 30 minutes? and time the visit from when sitting opposite each other.
1. You could enliven visits by asking her questions, then act on her reaction or answers.
2. Does she/you have any family photos with her in them or photos of you and your brother together plus your respective families?
3. What are/were her favourite singers or songs?
What are her favourite flowers? Maybe press a few of her favourites.
4. Buy snippets of material to make a collage. GCs could help.
5. Did your mother ever have a pet dog? Does she remember its name?
6. Ask her about places she's visited and liked or loved?
7. If her mobility isn't good, you could offer to take her for a 'walk' outside in late Spring or Summer.
8. Bring her photos of you children and any GCs. Residents love watching children's' energy, their high pitch voices and their antics.
9. Christmas is looming, what are her favourite carols? If your town's Xmas decorations are good, you could offer her a quick tour.
10. When did she see her GC or GGC last? (Your thread read as though your visits are always alone).
11. Does she have a sweet tooth? Would she welcome a ?
12. Does she have a (named) shawl? A fluffy, warm shawl/pashmina is always welcome. CHs have large room which can be draughty with visitors and staff opening doors especially in winter.

^I hope you find the above helpful and not overwhelming?
I've worked in a CH for 7 years.^

This is embarrassing, luckyDucky, please read ninathenana's post. Must be upsetting too.

I'm sure LD feels mortified enough already. An unfortunate, but genuine mistake. Happens to us all etc... Hopefully her post might be helpful to anyone else needing that advice.