How to tell Dad that he needs residential care

Mishap That is good news indeed. All the best for your Dad when he moves to his new home. He's sure to be well cared for. for you both.

Mishap, what a relief, I hope the transfer goes well.

Mishap that is good news, and a huge relief for you I'm sure, ( I remember the feeling)
You've certainly done all you could, and I'm he will be safe and cared for now

ooops...typo there!

The home we are using is so nice - only a dozen residents and very homely indeed. The staff team does not change (indeed they are the same people as when Mum died there 7 years ago) and I think that is a telling advertisement for the place. They are also local women; and one has her dad there.

We really felt that Mum was cared for with love. We are lucky that this home is available, as we looked at so many others for Mum and were frankly horrified with them.

Let us hope this works out - he is ostensibly going for a respite stay to see if he improves sufficiently to try care at home again, but I suspect he will need to remain - as long as he is happy.

It was interesting that he almost jumped at the chance.

What a worry it is for us all when elderly parents become so unwell.

Hello Mishap, sounds as if you are beginning to see the light at end of tunnel. I think its so often our own feelings about moving from our home that colour how we think they will feel. We build it up in our minds about how upset they are, when in many many cases they are almost relieved.
In our case, once he had gone for a respite visit, seen how lovely everyone was, he really began to appreciate how much better the care was going to be. We reiterated that WE were not up to the task of the day to day care but would still visit and chat everyday. He actually enjoyed the different set up, the menus at meal times, the ladies fluttering around him (men are always out numbered). He very quickley had 'his' corner, a big winged chair surrounded by elegant bookcases, it made him feel as if back at the University. All the best, am sure things will sort themselves out.

Mishap So glad to hear that your dad has recognized that he really needs more care. I hope all goes well.

Mishap so pleased that your dear dad will be well looked after,that must be such a weight off your mind,I know it is so distressing I had it with my darling dad and had mum ill at the same time you don't know which way to turn sometime's.Better days ahead for you both

So pleased to hear this, Mishap - you have a lot on your plate and this might ease things a little.

Phew, Mishap, what a relief for you and your family. and relax!

Oh Mishap a happy ending, how nice, it brought a tear to my eye, he is lucky that he has such a kind caring daughter, I hope my children will treat me as good

Brilliant news Mishap. Well done for talking him round, it'll be a great relief for all of you.

A little snippet - I'm still trying to get access for full continuing care for mum - no one seems to be able to do the assessment without authorisation from some one else in a sort of circular progession. But today I learned that full continuing care is only available to people in care homes, not in their own home. Whether correct or not I don't know, but worth a try when he's settled.

That is NOT correct Nfk - I have researched all this in great depth for my Dad and am lucky to have a friend who is a lawyer in the field. Please pm me and I can send you lots of information - I have distilled it down a bit and can pass on the meat.

To quote the relevant part of the "Revised NHS Framework Guidance" (para 49):

Decisions for eligibility should NOT be based on: "the person's diagnosis; THE SETTING OF CARE: the ability of the care provider to manage care; the use (or not) of NHS-employed staff...; the need for/presence of 'specialist staff'...; the fact that a need is well-managed; the existence of other NHS funded care; or any other input-related (rather than needs-related) rationale."

I was talking to a friend yesterday whose Mum has now died and was cared for in a residential home - they had been told that although she met the eligibility criteria for CHC funding she could not have it as the family had chosen a residential rather than a nursing home - this is completely untrue and she should have had the funding.

And now I need to let off steam!!!

The carer in Dad's home, who has proved problematical, as she is so volatile and unprofessional, is leaving tomorrow as Dad has chosen to go into a residential home. Today she gave me grief as she wanted to leave at 9am tomorrow - I said that was not possible as no-one would be available to look after Dad until 11am, whilst waiting to be taken to the home by my sister at 3.30pm when she finishes work. When I rang a bit later she had booked her taxi to the station for 9am. I stuck to my guns and said she must get the 12.15 train as agreed and must wait for my BIL to be there to care for Dad before she left. She is still being paid to care for Dad - indeed we are going to have to "double-pay" whilst the contractual week's notice passes, as we will be paying for the home carer and the residential home.
I could understand she might have a gripe if I was asking here to leave at midnight!! - but she will be home by 4pm in the light.

But, worse still, she has (in my sister's hearing) been saying to Dad "You don't want to go in a home do you? You would rather stay here with me I know." I am FUMING about this as you can imagine; and when I speak to her line manager tomorrow to officially end the contract, the gloves will be off - I have been very circumspect and tactful so far and given the carer due for her hard work, but I will say exactly what I think tomorrow!! How can she say this to a confused man? - how dare she?!

She has also been saying to my sister that we are doing the wrong thing and that going into a home will confuse him. We have agonised over this decision and been so careful to help Dad to understand the problems at home and now we have this person undermining everything.

OK - I've let off steam now! - sorry chaps!

Mishap, that is not on.
I should sit down, with your sister if possible, and get all the facts in order and write it down in a letter. Try a do it as officially as possible and send a copy to whichever dept/organisation is in overall charge. Make it cool, calm and buisinesslike. This sort of thing needs to be stopped. Try not to get emotional and upset (difficult I know) but do make it a formal complaint.
Good luck.

I am so sorry that you have now got this problem right at the last day or so. That is just dreadful behaviour of someone supposedly caring. She also has no business mentioning him staying in the house with her and possibly unsettling him.
I too would complain in strong terms.

I hope he loves the nursing home and the people looking after him.

Just how will this 'carer' behave with the next confused client she has to work with? A complaint is certainly called for. ((((hugs))))

Was this a privately arranged carer or organised through Social Services, even if he is self financing? If Social Services recommended the Carers Agency complain to them as well. I also think that these agencies are checked and referenced. Complain to the regulatory body.

No need to do it yet. Get your Dad into his care home and settled, have a break yourself to recover and in a month or two complain.

Dad is currently self-funding and SSD basically told me to get on my bike and sort it out myself - they would not even provide list of local agencies. I have since had contact with another SW there who tells me I should complain about this!! - an I be bothered just now!?

I have spoken in detail to the care agency involved and they are appalled by this girl's behaviour and fully understand out position. It will be up to them what they do about her in future - I have suggested that she needs some training in working with confused elderly people and that showing her how to do the practical care is insufficient.

She will be gone in 20 minutes - not a moment too soon!

He's in! - arrived there about 4pm. My sister left him enjoying a cup of tea. Fingers very tightly crossed. Let us hope that he can have some peaceful time.

Mishap I hope he settles well, and is happy.
I hope you get some peace and rest now too.

It'll be such a load off your mind, Mishap. DD told me on Friday that I no longer look tense and tired. It's the responsibility that is so wearing.

Hope your dad settles in as quickly as Mum did.

Mishap and (((hugs)))

Mishap,