How to tell Dad that he needs residential care

I'm pleased that you got there at last Mishap and you and your family can relax a little now. As for the carer; if, following your complaint, she receives further training I would deem it a positive outcome.

Mishap you must be exhausted, I hope you slept well

Seconded.

Mishap

mishap , and relax

Hope all is going well Mishap

Hope all is going well, Mishap. Wishing you and your Dad all the best.

Thank you for your kind wishes.

He slept through properly last night for the first time since he has been ill. I did speak to him on the phone and he was OK - but he said that last night he was wondering if he had done the right thing. I tried to encourage him - said it was very early days etc. Home manager rang to say he was eating fine, but being a bit "demanding" - this tells me so much about his state as before he was one of those people who, if you asked them if they wanted a cup of tea, would say "Only if you are making one for yourself." he is not the Dad I knew - but we must do our very best for him.

mishap

I'm sure things will improve for him, Mishap. If he's eating and sleeping well he'll feel more relaxed and comfortable. I'm sure that just like children the demanding bit is testing the boundaries. Mum used to be a bit 'buzzer happy' in her old care home because she was fed up with being left alone for hours on end. Now she full of how well she is being cared for. My brother visited today and we were both amazed at how quickly the awful black bruising on her shins is fading.

Onwards and Upwards

Good morning Mishap and thanks for your advice and support, it's much appreciated.

I do hope your dad is settling and getting to know the other residents. Mum was buzzer happy too when she first went into her care home. I think it was insecurity and fear of being forgotten, especially as they took so long to answer when she was in hospital when she had been used to her home carers being there just for her when they called.

Glad to see that things are looking good, Mishap.

Despite my mother's Hyacinth Bucket tendencies, we could never get her to use the buzzer as, 'I'm quite capable of looking after myself!'

I do appreciate the support that has come flowing from gransnetters in what I have been finding a very difficult situation.

I have agonised about this and I am sure that others have too, or will be facing this in the future - so good luck to all others in a similar boat.

It has been very hard watching the change in my Dad; and part of me wishes that he had died when he had his first accident, then he would have been spared this highly undignified end period of his life and gone out with a bang whilst still living his life to the full. I have stopped feeling guilty about this feeling and recognise it as an accurate reflection of the situation.

If he was just a bit incapacitated and able to obtain some enjoyment from life it would be different, but every day is a misery to him. He could go on for many years - he has a very low blood pressure and is on aspirin and statins, so there is little to carry him off. He is faced with a future with no pleasure to be had in life. I would never have wished this for him.

My friend was here the other day feeling very sad that her Mum had died in her sleep - I said she should be thankful as she had lived until she died. Dad is faced with some sort of half life for an indeterminate time poor man.

What do others think? - do we strive too hard to keep people alive when there is no quality left?

It is so hard. None of us wants to wish the death of a parent or loved one, but modern medicine makes it less likely that they will be carried off by e.g. "the old man's friend". My MIL literally "went out" with a ruptured aortic aneurysm sitting reading the Sunday paper. It must have been instantaneous and I assume pain free. She was 81 and had been dreading possible dementia as both her sisters had developed it. Despite the shock at the time, we all felt she had been "lucky"

I agree Mishap, DH's mum was given huge amounts of antibiotics to treat a chest infection after she had already suffered numerous strokes and heart attacks. She would have hated to see herself as she became for the last 6 months of her life. She had been a vibrant, clever and determined woman who ruled the lives of her husband and four boys, supported her mother, nursed her sister and terrified her daughters in law.

My Mum's condition is fairly well documented on GN but one of her worst nightmares was to end up like her cousin Margaret - exactly what has happened. Though, up to now, Mum has been really healthy and there has been nothing that would have 'carried her away'. Hopefully, when the time comes, my brothers and I will be strong enough to know when enough is enough.

Hello Mishap, I share your feelings about life being more about the quality than the quantity. Discounting tragedies, especially of the young I do feel that sometimes the press can get just a bit carried away about death and creating a false image of it. As if it is something that must be battled with and perhaps even defeated.
Last month there was a lot of talk about Nelson Mandella being very poorly and going into hospital, almost as if we should be surprised that he was unwell. Although I am not vastly religious I do feel we have a natural 'span', it might be a bit more than 3 score and 20 nowadays but non of us can go on forever (I would not want to). We should not be afraid of loved ones reaching a natural end, desperately sad and disstressed certainly, but it is going to happen. Far worse, is to see them as no longer the loved parent and grandparent, just a shadow of what they were, merely existing.
You are going through some tough times Mishap, and its quite natural to feel the way you do, its what makes us decent people.

Well - my sister went in to see Dad today for the first time since he moved into the home - she had given him a couple of days to settle in. He was fine! He has slept every night since he has been there - a miracle compared to the night-time chaos with the care plan at home. He is quite content. They have even got him reading the paper and a book - something he was just not interested in at home. He has palled up with a lady who is similarly not too confused some of the time, just a bit forgetful. He was taking about selling the bungalow!!!!

What a relief!

That's brilliant Mishap.

Mishap....how lovely for you all, am so glad.

I'm told he has taken over the TV remote in the lounge!!!

Well, he must be feeling at home Mishap

Sounds as though he has found his niche, mishap - officer in charge of TV channels.

What is it with men and remotes? We now know that nothing changes!