Tipping Point

Granny23 I don't have any words of wisdom to contribute but I'm sending hugs and .
Both of my parents had dementia, Dad probably Alzheimer's, not properly diagnosed, he had so many other things wrong with him and Mum had Lewy Body Dementia.
It is so incredibly hard watching someone you love trying to make sense of the world as they see it.

Kitty, I have found that the people who care for carers can be quite brutal so have avoided any courses on offer. Perhaps, once we get the new carer plan in place, I will look again.

I'm really shocked to hear that gg! We are all about support and informationvand attendees are fulsome in their thanks.

If that has been your experience then please give feed back.

He may not know who you are, but still linked you to love and support ?

Granny23 A suggestion for cutting out one of the many things that OH does is a central heating controller with a child lock. I have just had a Hive controller fitted which has one (and is also very easy to operate). The only drawback is the cost - mine was £159 (inc. fitting) in the Black Friday sale, but it is usually well over £200.

My mum died from dementia in September - she was 86 but thought she was 30 and thought she still lived in her childhood home with her parents. I understand why you would be upset and I can't imagine how I would cope if it had been my husband rather than my mother. Sending hugs.

Wilma - that village in Denmark is fascinating. There is a home near here for folk with dementia and it has a room that is set up as it would have been at the time when most of the residents were young - old-style TV, decor etc. - and there are also things around the corridors and in other rooms - old-style telephones, hooks on the walls with handbags hanging that anyone can pick up and adopt as their own for a while. Lots of little touches that seem to go down well.

The bookshelf idea is great kitty. I used to work on a dementia unit and I vividly remember a lady who had insight into her condition and was very distressed. I said to her that her brain was like a box of treasure that had filled right up and the new treasure that was put in fell out of the top as there was no room for it. She said: "Oh, how lovely|"; and minute later said: "What did you say" - which rather illustrated the point.

G23 - I am sorry you are having to deal with all this. It is hard to stay grounded when your home mate is living a different reality, some of which you have to go along with for the sake of your own sanity.

By the way G23 - you probably already know this, but people suffering from dementia are often worse if they become constipated. This is true of my OH (who has PD) - all his symptoms get worse - mental and physical. So plenty of prunes!

Just heartbreaking. Many years ago I used to bump into a man in our local shop. He seemed to think I was his sister! I didn't realise at the time he had dementia.

So sorry to read this. Huge hugs to ?

kittylester thanks for that link. It explains a lot.

Lots of really useful info on here. I hope it's helping, G23. The villages sound ideal, don't they? I don't have personal experience, but sending supportive thoughts anyway. As someone has remarked already, I just admire those of you coping with this condition day to day. to you all.

How awful for you that you should be mistaken for the one person who you disliked. However, as unsettling as it is, try not to let it take over your thoughts. When you find yourself thinking about your MIL's misdeeds, actively force yourself to think of a positive time and gradually she will stop haunting your thoughts. It really does work if you keep at it.
My dear old Grandad who lived with us had dementia. He often used to confuse my Mum for his bossy, scary, dead sister but rather than avoiding her like he did when she was alive, he got brave with the dementia and relished in telling her some "home truths". No matter how I tried to explain to my Mum that it was just the dementia, she couldn't help herself but would act just like her aunt! Consequently, I used to have to physically pull them apart. It was like trying to control 2 very wayward kids. At the time it was distressing but now I can see the funny side of things.

Oh granny I'm so sorry to hear this, it must be very difficult for you. I sometimes wonder what my DH would have been like if he'd lived long enough to get dementia and how we'd cope. I'm not sure that I'd have remained terribly cheerful about it. Vent away on here.

Glad you can come here to get your feelings off your chest and rationalised! My dear father died this year and had dementia for the last 10 years of his life...i was often taken as others in the family and yes it can be hurtful...loads of hugs to you and all your family .xxx

That is so terribly sad. Of course he can't help any of it but to be confused with his mother must be very hurtful. But it might be because you are both women who have loved him and looked after him and to whom he feels close.

Hugs to you all living with this everyday . The village in Netherlands sounds good but I think we would need quite a lot of them both north and south of the country .

Oh, Granny23, my dear I'm so sorry. But just remember that it's not intentional - he can't help it and all you can do is support him, love him and talk with him about both current and past, depending on which time frame he's in at the time - I love the "memories book idea"

With me it was my mum. She sent my son a cheque with no payment details - our address instead. DDs talked her into POA so they could shove her into a home as far from her friends as they could find, tried to stop us seeing her. Her neighbours kindly told us where to find her, so we visited that afternoon. She was thrilled to see us (me, GS andMIL, one of her best friends), but had to ask if I was her daughter. We were able to clear up a lot of loose ends in our relationship, which was always prickly. DDs quickly moved her and told her new home that she didn't want to see us, so shortly before she died, when we drove the 250 miles ew to see her, we were refused access. She always said she wanted her mum and to go home to Aberdeen, which she'd left 55 years earlier. Never saw her again, but thank goodness we had cleared the air before it was too late!

Our thoughts are with you. Hugs and love.

I can I never did dislike or hate my MIL, mainly I felt sorry for her and realised she had mental health problems but she would not/could not recognise this, refused to take prescribed medication, etc. etc. By the end she had fallen out with all her once sympathetic neighbours and relatives and had to rely on me to arrange her care, shopping, etc. and to visit her DH who was in residential care - after 2 visits she refused to go as it was 'too upsetting' so his only visitors were my DH and me, often on my own as DH often worked at weekends. She collapsed at her husbands funeral and more or less 'died in my arms' (poor woman) No, I did not hate her just did my best to protect DH and the DDs from her malign influence. BUT she HATED me with a passion and didn't care who knew it. She was the only person in my entire life who has felt that way about me, I usually rub along fine with everybody or agree to disagree with some.

Anyway that's enough of her. I'm feeling more positive today, can see the irony in the situation and was able to joke about it with my sister.

I can report that DH is not suffering from constipation, which I know because he feels the need to immediately report every bowel movement to me and there is often evidence left in the toilet. He did have a urine infection back in the summer and that certainly knocked him for 6 - total confusion and hallucinations for a couple of weeks and then, thankfully, back to his 'normal'.

I hope this thread will continue as a place to vent and exchange hints and tips. It seems that there are lots of us gransnetters in this position. It has certainly helped me to be able to share here with people I know 'in the round' already from other threads, rather than in Chat Rooms specifically for Carers where the posters have little else in common.

So pleased you are feeling more positive today G23 I start off most days well, it is as the day progresses and the questions go on and on that I start to fade a bit. Tomorrow another day, another year, we can and will do it.
Best wishes to you.

Granny23, it is awful when this happens. I've got the tee-shirt for this one: I was 'mother' and both former wives at various times, one deceased and one very much alive! However, after the initial shock, you realise that they do not think of you in the same way as those individuals. The failing brain is just accessing 'Category of female relative' and not all the associated characteristics. Forget about 'Maw', it is just the dementia talking. Sending hugs

Ah yes - "reporting the bowel motions" - I know this scenario. I too am treated to the minute details. .

Oh Granny23, my heart goes out to you, it must be difficult, wish I could help, so will do the only thing, I can, and give you a virtual hug, and know we are all here for you, Best Wishes for the New Year xxx

I remember looking at a care home for my mum, who had dementia, and disliking it because it was dark and had lots of pictures etc. for WWII. Now I wish I had thought of my mother's needs, instead of what I had thought would be good for her (lots of light etc.)

Dear granny23 and all the others coping with such a very difficult situation, can you possibly see it as a compliment to be regarded as "mother"? Most small children love their mummies even if they are the worst people on this earth, which none of you are, but some of your MILs by the law of averages must have been.

One Catholic order of monks (the Carthusians) enjoins there members to take care of elderly or ill brothers so well that the patient does not miss his mother,

This perhaps points to the fact that elderly or ill men do to a certain extent revert to childhood and see whoever is looking after them as "mother".

It is said that soldiers dying in battle or in forward dressing stations have been known to call for their mummies - I have never heard it said that women do so, which I find strange. Does anyone know if women call for mummy too, or maybe daddy? My mother and grandmothers worried that they were leaving their husbands and children, my sister was concerned about her adult children.

But, please do try to take it as a compliment that you are recognise for your maternal qualities, even if it would be nicer to be recognised for being a good wife!