Frustrated with mum refusing help.

Maybe some tough love Mercedes Just don't be so available to your mother when she calls. Other than that its grin and bear it.
Washerwoman it's hard when you see standards slipping and your Mum not taking care of herself as well as she might. Think you need to try for some acceptance that this is what she wants even if you are not happy with it. I struggled with my Aunt's decision to stay in her own home despite her health problems, I was her only relative. In the end I had to accept it for my own peace of mind and that she was entitled to make her own decisions.

Yes Christine France. I do mainly ignore the slipping standards. I've written some very long posts,-sorry!-and probably give the impression I do a daily inspection. Far from it.Often pop in for 10 minutes for a quick chat and ignore what may be the state of kitchen and bathroom.Tbh DB and I had been turning a blind eye to the funny smell for ages,half afraid of what we might find,and not having the heart to upset her.I go in phases thinking leave well alone,but posted this weekend when in a very frustrated phase.Anyway signing off now.Have just phoned her for a quick chat as not been for 3 days.Had a nice talk,but she informed me she didn't go to church and won't be going again.Her hip and leg a lot worse and she can't face it anymore.For her that a big,big thing as it's been her mainstay so made me sad.It was on my lips to say but if you feel so frail you will no longer go to church is it not time for some help.But I refrained.Not the time ,and haven't the heart or strength for it tonight.Thanks all. May update another day if anything changes.

Good luck washerwoman, it’s a hard road watching over and caring in any way for a parent. Particularly when they don’t quite conform....I’d guess most of us have been there.
Seems she is giving in a little now if she didn’t want to go to church so probably will want more of you around x

I'd second the suggestions about an alarm. My mother managed to press hers when she collapsed at home with a major stroke. The paramedics arrived almost instantly, whisked her off to hospital and told me (I'm an only). She was treated in time to recover her speech; she died from another 'event' about a week later but meanwhile the whole family had been to see her and she was able to chat and was, I think, aware that this would be the last meeting. Without the alarm she might have been lying on the kitchen floor for hours before the (very kind) neighbours noticed there was something wrong. My MIL had an alarm but preferred to carry her mobile with her; when she had her stroke at home she couldn't operate the keys properly. We had an odd call, no message, which we couldn't trace; my husband thought it might be her, in trouble, so rang her neighbours. When they found her she was still in bed, speechless and helpless, and had probably been there for hours. She lived another four years, in a nursing home, but never managed to speak properly again. Perhaps she might have had a better quality of life if she had been treated earlier. Do hope I haven't worried you still further, oh dear.

It depends if the person will agree to an alarm.
No surprise, I suppose to know my dear mum wouldn't.

Same here my mum refuses to have one.She lives in sheltered accomomodation, but they took out the emergency pull strings, and installed the type of alarm you wear around your neck, there is a charge for this, which she won't pay.Also even if she had the alarm, they wouldn't be able to get in , if she was too ill to open the door, although I have heard about a key system operated from the outside, will have to look into it.

Washerwoman I do apologise for talking about my own problems with my mother and not acknowledging the issues that you have with yours. I have come to the conclusion that a lot of mothers, when they get to a certain age, just become very difficult in their own ways but it always causes problems for us offspring who are doing our best to make sure their lives are as good as possible. They either want no help at all or want more help than we are able to give.

I've just had to put the phone down on my mother as I got so upset just trying to reason with her. I'm just grateful that my OH and son also see how she is, otherwise I'd begin to think I was a terrible daughter

Washerwoman, should have said that I have every sympathy! Both my mother and MIL lived a long way away from us. There are sheltered flats at the end of our road and our mothers showed interest initially but decided against - perhaps they couldn't face the stress of moving. But my mother rather wanted us to move near her. While we were debating what to do, she had her stroke. Her worst nightmare was 'the old ladies' home', which she escaped, and which was where my MIL ended up. It's a nightmare trying to balance an elderly person's understandable desire for independence against the need for safety. All best wishes!

By the way, with the neck alarm system my mother used, the responders had a key and could let themselves in. This depends, of course, on the elderly person's not locking and bolting the house like Fort Knox.

I hear you on that one vintage1950, a couple of years ago we had to call an ambulance for my mum. Luckily she was able to answer the door herself but the ambulance man did ask us if we had a key, which we hadn't. We managed to get a couple of copies cut while my mum was in hospital, so I have one and so does my son. However when she is indoors she puts the key in the lock from the inside and locks herself in, so we aren't any further forward

Mercedes please do not appologise !I said in my very first post that I knew my situation was much less worse than many others who posted on carers threads.And each family dynamic,wether coping as an only child or agreeing with siblings on the best way to proceed is fraught with frustrations.Talking of which I won't post for long,actually very angry and heartsore tonight so need to calm down.But apparently the new kitchen is off.Had mum round for a coffee and wasn't sure if she was just confused about what was happening,or not,but also found out only one of my brothers is away.Other one not yet gone.So phoned for that DB for quick chat and primarily to find out exactly when he goes and for how long.Just so I know when I'm the only one around.Waited to see if he mentioned the kitchen as began to dawn on me what had happened.DSIL doesn't think it's a good idea,too traumatic, she knows best as been a social worker.Same SIL who vetoed the idea of looking at sheltered accomodation,who thought POA for finances wasn't necessary .I stood my ground on that one.Old people don't like change and disruption and many old people live in much worse conditions so don't do anything.Great for her to say,she's away more than she's here and how traumatic would it be for my mum,whom I get on fine with to stay with us for the relatively short time it would take to do the work.Work to make things easier and safer for her. I was so angry I was shaking.Apparently I don't know anything about old people.Oh and as she's 96 soon she won't be here long enough to make it worthwhile. Trying to stay calm ,and decided to wait for both of them to come back and then suggest strongly a family conference,if only to say please be considerate enough to in future to talk to me if only to say when you're not around -and to SIL please don't be so patronising.

Oh and thanks for alarm suggestions.She doesn't have one yet.SIL probably thinks that's demeaning !But probably a wise move as her mobility worsens.

A BiL of mine had an elderly aunt like this. She was always reasonably clean and dressed nicely enough but the house was so dirty that my sister would have to don her rubber gloves and attack the loo before they could bring themselves to use it - kitchen and everywhere else was as bad.

Eventually sister and Bil - who,lived a long drive away and couldn't visit anything like often, told her they would stay at a B&B 'to save her trouble'.

There was no dementia, but the aunt's eyesight was poor and they thought she simply didn't see the dirt. However she was apparently quite happy, didn't want cleaners in, or any other strangers poking around her things, and obviously they couldn't force it.

It was probably best for her that she fell ill (not dirt related!) and died quite suddenly, otherwise eventually she'd have probably have had to leave the home where she'd lived from a child, and go into a care home.

This sort of situation can be intensely frustrating, but if there's no dementia I think sometimes you just have to respect their wishes. Of course there may eventually be some sort of crisis which forces the issue - my BiL's aunt was 'fortunate' in that respect.

My own mother who had dementia wouldn't allow any strangers into the house - not even the person who merely came to make sure she was taking her dementia medication. According to her, there was nothing wrong with her, and she wasn't on any meds, so 'No, you're not coming in!' This sort of attitude was good in many ways, of course - anyone hoping to on prey the vulnerable would have got short shrift!
Luckily she had a cleaning lady who'd been with her pre dementia, so she was more of a friend,and was welcomed. I don't know what we'd have done without that lovely cleaning lady.

Eventually,though, her need for 24/7 care meant that a care home was the only viable option - she was already 89 by then - and I don't mind admitting that I often wished she'd slip away peacefully in her sleep before we had to,put her through all that upheaval.
No such luck - she went on to 97 - a pitiful wreck for her last few years.

Quick update. The new kitchen is not going ahead.Not so DSIL who is lovely with mum but loves to put her spoke in and just sees her every few weeks persuaded her it would be too much.Would have taken 1/2 weeks max and she could have easily stayed with us.Mum I'm convinced is of the attitude that she really won't be here much longer.Well that's as may be ,but I also feel she could live to be 100 like DHs grandma but increasingly frail.But we've reached an impasse regards any help.And tbh at the moment I don't feel like creating an argument or atmosphere. Sadly I think it will take some crisis for her to accept her frailty.In the meantime I've replaced her phone with a simpler one that is louder and buttons larger and more visible,as she was becoming uncontactable as always pressing the wrong button and cutting us off.I've suggested an alarm and we told effectively that's for really old people !However today I popped in to say hello to be told when asking how she was that 'my eyes are a lot worse you know,and I'm struggling to walk today'Oh dear Mum I said.Would you like a hand with anything,shall I change your bed and take the washing (she has no tumble drier)No,no said she.I can manage .I give up !

Ah, you have my sympathy, and so does your mum. its so sad watching them struggle when things could be easier.

Thanks Miss A.I'll be totally honest it's as much for my own peace of mind to put some strategies in place.Her mantra is 'you're busy enough ,you don't have to worry about me'.She doesn't have dementia.and for that I'm grateful,But makes her stubbornness more frustrating in a way.Making notes to self for when I'm older !

Same for me with my mum. She didn't have dementia either, but she almost drove me out of my mind!
I promised my daughter i'll go to a retirement complex or something as soon as I feel I'm ready. I'd go now if I could!

Hi there could you tell me the make of phone that you have mentioned please, I am trying to find mum a new one I have returned three already, she insists there broken, but work while I'm there .

It's an old one that belonged to DHs parents.Nothing fancy.Just large push buttons and simply pick up the receiver to answer.Will look next time I go,but it's been in our garage for ages.I've plugged it in in the meantime and so far much better,she's not fumbling to answer and cutting me off.However I was going to contact Age UK as I'm pretty certain they will be able to advise on phones for the visually impaired ?May still do that tbh.

Thanks for replying, sounds as if you've at least found one that she can get along with .My mum is very deaf too so I need one you can turn the volume up too, curently she's turning the volume off and cutting us off.I'll have a look at age Uk.

Empathise. My experience is that the key to being able to stay at home (even when it is as difficult as this) is an accessible toilet and shower with the appropriate aids and safety features. The local council may do this for fee and very quickly. A bargain often appeals. I gave up on dirty kitchens and in fact just after giving up was allowed then welcome to provide small homemade meals to heat up. These gave visits a real purpose and if I ate too, a social event. The loo and shower were the deal breakers tho. I am glad you have your siblings. would your mum listen to her Vicar? Or talk. Just an idea.

It’s so very very hard to get older people to accept help when they don’t want it, despite the need for it., What does concern me is when I see people that are far too old and infirm behind the wheel of a car. God forbid they crash into another vehicle and kill or seriously injure those in the other vehicle. I do think that if my parent was unfit to drive I would just take those keys and they would not get them back. I have heard of terrible accidents claiming the lives of people and young children, some pedestrians, because of unfit and aged drivers., I think that’s allowing personal freedom and choices to go too far. I really do sympathise with those that have parents requiring help. It’s a terrible spot to be placed in.

Yes MesMop I agree about allowing personal freedom and choice to go too far re driving.I've posted previously about DH's aunt who was adamant she was fit to drive at nearly 90,bought a new car and in the space of a month demolished a neighbours wall and mounted a pavement and nearly hit someone.DH had a quiet word with her GP as he knew she was going for various appointments.She wouldn't have stopped otherwise.
Likewise my frustration with mum is that's it's fine on the one hand for her to keep saying I'm OK ,don't worry about me.But her utter refusal to accept some modification to her lifestyle are necessary at 96 ,and her attitude that help,or an alarm-the latest suggestion rejected -is actually a tad selfish.Especially when my brothers are away it's always on my mind is she ok ?My brother actually said the other day it's souring his relationship with her recently. He has less patience, but to be fair has done a lot in practical terms eg her garden,maintenance. But he finds sitting there doing endless chit chat seeing the place needs a jolly good clean frustrating,and won't even have a cup of tea or use the loo.So his visits get shorter,and he said the other day 'Well she can bloody well get on with it.I will just stick my head round the door to check she hasn't toppled over every now and again.'Anyway the latest is she's lost a hearing aid, and the one she has got seems useless.So I've offered to take her to get that sorted.So far she's been going to make an appointment-I suggested a home visit if she preferred-but hasn't done so I'm wondering wether to 'interfere' and sort one.It's another 'oh I can manage ' and 'well at my age what do you expect, but I won't be here much longer anyway 'situation. Grr!In the meantime she's unable to hear half the time,and it's a case repeating and straining your voice to be heard.A far from unique experience though from what other people say !

Oh I do feel for you washerwoman, a lot of what you say resonates with me .Mum recently lost her hearing aid, and just last week had new ones fitted, they are so much better than old ones which were only two years old, I didn't think there would be much difference, but she can definitely hear a lot better.Hope you get your mum sorted.

Washerwoman my heart goes out to you and everyone else in difficult situations with elderly relatives on here. My mother of 93, a very strong minded and independant woman until 5 years ago and wouldn't accept help or advice. She gradually became debilitated, and after a fall downstairs unable to walk at all. She has carers four times a day, but it is a living nightmare for me and my brother who lives nearest to her. She would rather sacrifice the family than go into a nursing home and I feel as if I'm on the edge of a breakdown. About to go and see her in hospital after her latest crisis yesterday when they admitted her because she kept calling paramedics because she felt "ill"! Sorry about such a negative post but my message is to try not to feel guilty or responsible and above all prioritise your own needs because it's so easy to become resentful however much you care.