Frustrated with mum refusing help.

Thanks for posting this, and for all the comments. I see many of you mum's characteristics in me, so it's a wake-up call. Not at that stage yet, but in the danger zone, and definitely into 'competitive ageing' - ouch!

Sometimes you have to lower your own expectations. Maybe time to make sure she is safe (handrails, tripping hazards, clear clutter) warm & fed. Clean clothes & bathed is a bonus!
Don't know if attendance allowance is still on the go, but given her age she may get a higher level which might cover the cost of someone doing an hour a day to prepare warm a meal, & give any medication.

Can you or a brother discuss her driving with her GP and/or optician? Or as other posters have suggested, someone could disable or lose her car.
When she has her kitchen work her fridge can have an accident and be replaced. Last week a 90 year old was telling me that her (exasperated) DD had spent the day defrosting and clearing her freezer. She was complaining about her DD but actually relieved I thought.
You sound very busy and need the whole family to back you up. PITA SiL’s interference re the warden controlled accommodation might fade away if she is on the a rota to support your DM!

WasherwomanThe changes in your mother are most certainly age related.It can be difficult to accept as you have always seen her as a fighter and having coped so well.Some experience these changes in loved ones at a much earlier age than your mother but then we are not all the same. Above all make sure her home is safe. If things like washing need doing or drying, cleaning and restocking the fridge bringing in domestic help to clean her property anything you are finding her resisting can you not bring her to your home or another relative and' let the troops' move in for a few hours to get these things done.? Will she have noticed?Possibly not to the extent you think. but at least will take the pressure off yourself so your visits will be based on making sure she is warm has eaten etc Contact Adult Social Care if and when her health including sight becomes worse There comes a time when we have to let others take over both for ones self and our loved ones.

I think it’s extremely difficult for some people to accept help ... I certainly hope I will recognise it when I need help!

My lovely, wonderful mother died three years ago and since then my father, a fit and fairly healthy 95 year old who still drives and does The Times crossword, has refused all paid help in his home. My brother and I do everything, mainly my brother as I live 35 miles away, so don’t see dad every day. Am just leaving to spend the afternoon with him now!

I think he would like the company of living in a flat in a ‘senior village’ near us but he flatly refuses. I get very worried if he doesn’t answer the phone and when he leaves the front door open for me when I visit! He is extremely bossy and says he would annoy and be annoyed by people in a senior village etc. He’s probably right! Just hope he keeps going without some hideous accident or burglary.

And yes, I would hate to be bossed around by my children but at times, I wish my father would think about us and how much work we are doing for him.

I hope all goes well for you and your mother. You have done everything you can, PLEASE don’t make yourself ill or unhappy over it all. ?

Would your DM go to a day centre a couple of days a week? Many older people don’t like the idea of them, but if you put it to her as a club that she could join she may be more receptive of the idea. Then maybe a cleaner could then go in and get her house clean and tidy while she was out. Might be an idea worth looking into.

The problem is the Dvla renewed her driving licence last year without any problem, I filled the form in for her, so she thinks she's perfectly safe, they ask very few questions, and not much can be gained about a person's health from a form I really think they should be physically tested and examined.

What does the DVLA form ask, Seaside? Aren't there questions about eyesight and hearing? If not, I for one really think there should be.

Yes maggie there are questions about eyesight, mum met the criteria there, don't remember there being any questions about hearing.

Seaside22 and other posters who have talked about their worries re older relatives driving - 1. Do not enable dangerous behaviour. (i.e. don't fill in forms). 2. as others have suggested - get the Doctor to tell them to stop driving.
If you knew that a person was carrying around a loaded gun with the safety catch off - wouldn't you tell the Police? It's the same thing. Please don't let someone drive who isn't safe on the road. Please!
And there are loads of great suggestions here about getting the house clean - I like the one about getting a cleaner in while you take her out for a few hours. Could you co-ordinate this with the brothers - two clean up while one takes her out, and only come home when its all done? Good luck OP. I'm 68 and already my daughter worries about me.......

Great post, Seaside22.
I recall when my mum was too old to manage properly, I would go and do some cleaning, and was resentful. As I was working full time I had a cleaner myself at my house 80 miles away, and did not want to spend precious time cleaning mum’s house when I knew she could afford to pay someone.
Fortunately for me, mum had the foresight to tell me that if dad died first, which he did, she would like to go into a home. She went initially for two weeks respite, after the funeral, and liked it so stayed on. She had a new lease of life, no worries about where the next meal was coming from, or getting the washing done. She enjoyed a few outings and entertainment organised, and the company of other people. She had seven good months before she suddenly deteriorated and died at the age of 92.
So maybe some respite care would do the trick?

Sorry I should have said Great post NannaM.

DVLA form requires the declaration of medical conditions & eyesight. I know because I am on an annual licence due to Epilepsy & now Type 2 Diabetes, I am only 62 & have held a restricted licence since 2004, I have had my application refused twice but then been given it back after 6/12 months. My GP has to complete a Medical Questionaire & at times an Independent Medical. I would like all over 70s to have to have a GP Report to DVLA.

My DM is almost 89, lives alone & is still fairly independent. She has a cleaner every fortnight & a gardener, she has someone to take her shopping as she had to give up her licence 2 years ago, Hospital told her that her sight wasn't up to standard. I live 300 miles away, am an only child, my DD also lives close to myself. DM has lovely neighbours who keep an eye on her but I do still worry, I ring her every 2/3 days.

My late MiL was in sheltered accomodation, her place was a complete tip, kitchen in a state, even when she moved from 1st floor bedsit to ground floor (which had been painted & was lovely & clean when she moved in), that bedsit soon became grubby. In the end she had to go into care as she was wandering at night & knocking on other resident's doors.

Rather patronising last sentence there minxie

So many replies.Thank you.I can't name each poster individually but to answer a few queries and clarify.A new kitchen will definitely; where the boiler is,that also needs replacing,it's badly designed with nooks and crannies,and the position of the fridge makes opening the door fully to clean difficult.
A residential home for the 2 weeks or so when work is done We have suggested a couple of lovely,and expensive ,ones both of which have friends happily living in them.To no avail. Mum has decided she will take herself to hotel.DH and I would happily have her with us,and generally we really do get on very well,but it's a no to that.Wether she fears a stay in a home means she won't go back to her cottage,or wether she fears she will like it and want to stay who knows.But neither she nor us have the funds to pay for her to live their permanently.She has very little money ,and due to my DH arthritis he's only able to work part time and our savings are already taking a hit.As for respite care,or a day centre -well that's full of old people(her words!)DBS have POA but only the financial one.
Aso for the suggestion of 'sending the troops' in when she's out.We've done a bit of that recently.DB takes her to church,then whizzes back and does a quick vac round.I always give the loo and basin a swipe when I really need to use the bathroom.And I staged an intervention with the fridge,but its really grotty again.DD has offered to take her out for coffee/lunch so I can do a that again.It's impossible if she's there in small kitchen,when she is literally on top of you elbowing you out of the way.But it feels sneaky,and again very frustrating and as she now gets the lower attendance allowance ,the idea being that it paid for a little care.Plus I will be honest part of me feels how ridiculous for us to have to do that when the money is there for just a couple of hours help that would make all the difference,as it did with the cleaner last year.But she's absolutely a) adamant she doesn't need another one ' because what would I do all day if I didn't do my cleaning-which she can't see properly!
And b) 'I won't be here much longer so there's no point organising anything '
Another issue that we have tried tactfully to discuss is the amount of food she keeps in.She has seige mentality with the freezer rammed, and so many tins it's a wonder he's not knocked herself out when opening the cupboard!Especially when the weathers bad,which I do understand.I like to be well stocked.But with a much disminished appetite ,and always someone either able to take her shopping,or drop things in she really doesn't need a big freezer full and cupboards overloaded.
As for being patronising towards her,I'm sure we frustrate her too but I'd like to think we're anything but.We don't storm in issuing instructions or ultimatums.
So wherever she goes when DBs make the improvements ,we will just leave things be for a while.Oh and as for the GP suggesting help,when we applied for attendance allowance the GP had to write a letter and for the first,and only time I went in with her for the appointment,she was having temporary balance problems that day.The lovely GP who knew my dad from home visits ,and knows her well said he was glad to hear she was going to get some help and what a wonder she was to have managed so well,but how she deserved it.Giving me a knowing look.That's why she agreed to the cleaner then,but her intention was always to get rid !I do love her dearly really!
I do appreciate your suggestions,and I'm fully aware as I said previously many of you have been /are going through similar situations -and much worse.!

After reading posts like this, I put my hands together and thank God my dear mother died suddenly at 64! Heartbroken as we were at the shock of losing her so young I look at my life now and think to myself "thank you Mum - in some strange way you have given us the gift of freedom to live out our retirement years the way we choose".

I've got a mother of 94 who also needs a lot of help but refuses to accept any help unless it's from immediate family, which is a real nightmare and causes so much friction in the family.

She thinks that as my OH has taken early retirement due to health problems that we now have all the time in the world to go round to her place and do things which we don't even do in our own home. It's the middle of February and she thinks I should be going round and clearing up all the leaves in her garden and OH should be going up ladders and cleaning out her gutters when we pay someone to do ours and have far less income than she does.

I've ended up falling out with my sister, listened to numerous heated conversations between my son and his wife about the amount of 'emergencies' my mother calls him over to her house for, could be anything from her not being able to open a jar to her getting subtitles up on her TV by pressing the wrong button on the remote control.

My mother has plenty of disposable income to actually pay for someone to do jobs for her, but she won't. She could quite easily pay to get a taxi home from town, but she would rather ask my OH to drop all he is doing to drive into town to pick her up even though a taxi might be right next to her and it could take him half an hour to even get to where she is.

Ironically I've never seen my mother actually do anything for anyone else, she's always been very self absorbed and thinks she is entitled to expect everyone to run around after her but would never think of returning the favour or even being remotely grateful.

I wouldn't mind so much if she was ever willing to wait for something to be done but she will phone at any hour of the day and expect us all to drop everything we are doing to cater to her needs.

Is it possible that mum coukd go to a day centre for some amusement, company and lunch whilst you (or a cleaner) do a thorough clean?
Failing that, could a family member have her for a few hours once a week or take her out for the day, not necessarily the same day every time, so that you or another could get things clean and tidy?

* sorry, could.

That's the thing Pauline isn't it,even though it seems distasteful to admit it so many people spend huge amounts of their own retirement caring,and losing those precious years when they are still fit and able themselves to enjoy it.So it's finding a happy medium between caring and having your own life without the corrosive feelings of resentment spoiling the mother/daughter relationship.A friend pointed out yesterday to stop thinking it's selfish to want to put things in place to make my own life a bit easier and be able to tick the box 'mum sorted today 'DH sister died before she even retired recently,and it really focuses the mind on things we'd like to do whilst physically capable.
She also asked how much time my own mum spent caring for her parents.None ,as her mum died suddenly at a similar age to yours,followed by her dad a year later.Very sad indeed as it was too young to share many years of her own family with them.Only my paternal grandma lived into her 80s,and after a rapid deterioration went into a home.She and dad were pretty well free to do what they wanted for about 20 years of retirement, until dad became frail.And whilst she babysat occasionally, wasn't committed to regular childcare as so many grandma's are today.
That's absolutely no reason to not be around to care for mum,but puts it into perspective,and actually if I'm honest DB and I both said we do feel she's being somewhat selfish by being so stubborn ,about everything.DB actually said it's souring his relationship with her recently.

Mercedes55

Oh dear! That's sad. I don't suppose that it's any good having a 121 chat with your mother about her apparent disregard for anyone else's plans or availability. I assume that she's compost mentis and able to appreciate that you're a loving daughter but age does not entitle her to bleed your goodwill until dry.
If your M knows that YOU know she can afford the odd taxi or a handyman when necessary, may I suggest that you and your H become unavailable, tapering off over a period of time except for real emergencies.
If she rings for a lift, tell her that your H is out and won't be back till later or he can't oblige with gardening as he's not feeling 100%.
I'm all for the truth but, in some instances, it just won't work.
Take into account that you might be told that you'll be cut out of her will or that after all she did for you growing up, that you owe her some loyalty.
Sometimes you just can't win. ☹

Compos (mentis) ??
Gawd...b mobile.

Mercedes55.That's so hard for you,and exactly why I said I'm in clover compared to some.My DSIL had the exact same behaviour from her mum,she lived nearby until she eventually went into a home and for several years would come around several times a day whilst still mobile,then when not phone up to a dozen times a day for petty things. It nearly pushed DSIL into a nervous breakdown. Ironically her mum had also never put herself out for anyone ,even bringing her up own children she used to leave them alone as children when she went out at night with the next new boyfriend .At least my mum has cared for other people,only recently visiting elderly people from church when not able to attend.Most of them 10 years younger !

MissA

Good grief! That's terrible. It's often pride that gets in the way of accepting facts.
Sometimes loving your mum or dad just isn't enough. It can hurt to see them struggle with everyday living when you could assist them to have a better quality of life, but I agree, there is much to admire in our parents generation. Never give up and never give in as my mum used to say.

FF

I think that 95 years of age is FAR FAR too old to still be driving.