Brother who cares for Mum is behaving like a martyr

Perhaps your mother would be better off in a care home one that specialises in the care of dementia
You don't mention how far her dementia has progressed but things will only get harder
I helped care for my dad with dementia and we managed to keep him at home until the last week or so of his life but it's not easy and all consuming
If your brother is an alcoholic then chances are he can't look after himself let alone care for your mother and I say this as a recovering alcoholic who hasn't drank for nearly 20 years

He is not a martyr - he is a carer.

I am a carer - if anyone dared to tell me I was being a martyr for having the occasional "offload" grumble then I would be beyond furious.

It sounds as though you know what the caring role is like, so it might be good to give your brother some sympathy. Your OP comes across as very harsh. Cut the poor guy a bit of slack.

Hello Arcadia

I am sorry to hear of your problems. It is a worry for you being so far away, and I guess although your brother is doing his best he feels overwhelmed as well.

I'm not sure of all the circumstances obviously, but myself I would be inclined to speak with your mother's GP to see what can be done to help the situation.

Take care.

Hello
Thank you for all your support. My brother lives two miles away from my Mum so goes round most days. I have told him not to stay too long as it gets him down, as there are carers as well. He needs to live his own life too.

I assumed your brother was living in the same house as your mother.

Does your brother eat a meal with your mum? Sometimes it will encourage an elderly person who hasn't much of an appetite to eat more if they have company. We found that with my MIL.
Also, the carers who came in would make her breakfast and evening tea (just a sandwich) and would make sure she ate that. The lunches delivered were rarely touched.

She does sound as if she needs more support, perhaps in a home.
Difficult decision to make, though - my MIL did not have dementia and adamantly refused to leave her home.

I am glad you have enlarged on your situation and sorry that you didn't receive much sympathy on here initially because plenty of us are carers, not martyrs, and know first hand what a struggle it can be. Has your mother got a social worker, and have you been in touch with them to explain your concerns? Have the carers expressed any concerns, and does anyone from the local mental health team visit your mum I wonder?

Perhaps your brother has just reached the end of his tether; he needs to offload and you are the one nearest and dearest.

You don't seem to have asked for help with anything specific, apart from saying that your Brother sometimes off loads how difficult it is being your Mothers main carer for the great majority of the time.
If I was you I would sympathize with him and tell him that you appreciate how difficult it is, as you yourself help for a few days every month.
What I would say is, make some enquiries with the Carers about her weight loss and lack of food in the fridge and see what they have to say. As others have stated, if her meals are delivered then she won't need food in the fridge.
The other point you made about your Brother being an alcoholic, he may well be, but he could be a functioning alcoholic, there are many who manage to hold down full time jobs who are most probably alcoholics.
If what he is contributing is keeping your Mum in her home and reasonably contented, then I wouldn't be causing too many waves.
From what I have seen of people with dementia in care homes, the majority of them are pretty unhappy, wandering around asking to be allowed to go home. They have their day to day physical needs met but I feel most of them would have managed better if they could have stayed in their own homes, in familiar surroundings with all their memories around them, giving them some comfort.
What I'm trying to say is, for your Mothers sake, this is probably the best option, albeit not perfect.

I'm afraid that doing it for holiday cover or 3/4 days at a time is nothing like doing it week in week out.

Its the restlessness of caring for someone with dementia that gets to people. Not the actual day to day tasks.

That should say "relentlessness"

Its very different caring for a parent long term than doing a few weeks, its true.

My brother lives a short distance away from my mother with his wife. I have told him many times not to stay too long and get on with his own life too. What is frustrating is his poor care in relation to the (few) things he needs to do (as there are carers and meals on wheels). He drinks too much and gets muddled, in addition to taking money out Mum's account for his own purposes. I have spoken to him about this and hopefully he has listened. His wife doesn't do much to help, but has had her own mother to look after in the past.

Buffybee you are right, and I don't want to make too many waves. You are being very sensible and pragmatic.
Thank you

Arcadia, you state that you are frustrated "in his poor care in relation to the (few) things he needs to do". May I ask exactly what you do to help your mother and brother on your monthly visits?

You are way out of order arcadia. Instead of criticising your brother ask him what help you can offer.

I wonder if subconsciously you feel your mother is in need of more or better care?
If she has severe dementia I fail to see how she could be safe living alone even if your brother is popping in regularly. The two dementia sufferers I know are cared for at home by their spouses and it is a 24/7 job - including full night care , and constant presence during the day.
Is it time to sit down with your brother and make a plan?

My mother wouldn't be safe to live on her own because of her dementia, but she can't walk, is in a wheelchair, can't do anything dangerous in kitchen, or anywhere else for that matter. Unfortunately she does get anxious at times and is not averse to pressing her emergency button at all hours of the day and night.

This site is heaving with tales of people struggling to care for relatives - it is a sad indictment of government priorities and the lack of proper public services. It makes depressing reading.

arcadia03....I'll repeat my question..what is it you are worried about?

Perhaps we should organise a Carers March & Demo Luckygirl? Threaten to withdraw labour

Firstly, you (and your brother and mum) have my utmost sympathy. My mum died 5 years ago (to the day) with dementia and it's a horrible illness.
Is your brother a diagnosed alcoholic? If so, then I agree with others who say there is a possible safeguarding issue here. Can you liaise with her GP about that or her practice may have a designated person who specialises in dementia? If not her GP, then maybe have a chat with the carers - if they are concerned they should know how to raise it as a safeguarding issue.
The weight loss may or may not be concerning - I know my mum, despite eating well, was skin and bones once she became very unwell - around 5 stone. I was told that this often a side-effect of dementia and not necessarily worrying in itself.
As far as the lack of food in the fridge is concerned, we used to make sure my parents' fridge only contained enough food for a couple of days at the most. They (dad was ill too) often became confused by use-by dates and we'd find things well past being edible, while newer items were in the bin. Maybe your brother is adopting the same strategy.

The other thing I would very definitely do is contact the Alzheimer's Society for advice. I wish I'd known about them when my mum was ill. At the very least check out their forum, Talking Point. Your brother may like to check out their website too and then he could talk about his feelings with an uninvolved person. I found it very difficult to talk about my feelings with family as they were too closely involved and dealing with their own feelings. You can share anything, get understanding and, if you feel you need it, unconditional advice and always a virtual listening ear. I now volunteer with them and the more I find out, the more I realise it is a wonderful organisation.

Good luck - as I said it's a rubbish illness and, from experience, I honestly don't think there is any 'right' way to handle it.

xx

One extra point - going into a Nursing Home isn't a bad thing in itself. It was very necessary for my mum eventually and we were very lucky to find a wonderful place with lovely, carrying staff. Just do some research, visit at different times of the day (a good one will encourage that) before making a decision. Particularly check out the area of care for residents with severe dementia and end of life care. I did an awful lot of 'eavesdropping' too before we made a decision that mum needed nursing home care - the way that carers talk to patients with severe dementia is very indicative of the attitude generally in the home. I have seen some where patients with little cognitive function are treated as being unimportant. My mum was always treated with absolute respect whatever her needs and how trying her behaviour became - and it did become very trying!

(Hope this doesn't sound as if I'm lecturing you - I don't mean to really. It's just an area in which I have a great deal of interest and some experience. As I said in my other answer, there's really no 'right' way of dealing with dementia. Every person, carer and person with dementia, is different with different needs and priorities and that's fine. xx

Sorry - Caring staff, not carrying! Fingers working independently of brain syndrome.

This sounds very unsatisfactory if you live hundreds of miles away and you obviously don’t trust your brother and his wife why is your mum not in residential she obviously needs more than carers and meals (do you realise how long carers are in the house for, usually ten to twenty minutes) what happens at night? Is she all alone from last carer to first call the next morning? If so she is NOT safe
I think your opening post calling your brother a martyr was pretty blunt and unacceptable You say you tell him not to stay long but even though he’s an alcoholic perhaps he cares and is worried about your Mum being alone so much
It’s totally understandable that you can’t be there much as you are so far away but you really shouldn’t be harsh about your brother he’s obviously trying and seems worried about his mum

Caring for a Parent ( or anyone ) with severe dementia is one of the hardest, most challenging roles that anyone could ever face.
It is absolutely heartbreaking on so many levels.
Dementia robs the afflicted of absolutely everything :
Recognising loved ones, losing their dignity. Food and fluids are often rejected, incontinence often becomes a major problem, behavioural problems can become apparent like verbal and physical aggression even to loved ones, disrupted sleep patterns are a common problem too where the dementia sufferer has no concept of night or day and as such will be awake most of the night sometimes constantly wandering around looking for something, someone, or even trying to get " Home " even when they are actually home.

Many, many years ago, I met a lovely Lady with Dementia, and I will never forget her because EVERY morning, she would wake up crying because she believed that her Husband had JUST died. Each day she relived this !
To ALL of you Family members who are caring for someone with Dementia, my heart goes out to you completely and utterly.
YOU are the ones who should be on the Honours List not these overpaid celebrities. I Salute You and Applaud every one of You .
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