Brother who cares for Mum is behaving like a martyr

Luckily no one in our family has suffered with this dreadful illness but I have seen first hand the effect it had on a lovely gentleman and his wife that I knew. He started suffering with it, she was determined to care for him at home and as a result her own health suffered and she passed away a year after he'd died. Some days he would ask her who she was and why was she in his house, he would sometimes manage to get out of the house and wander off up the road and walk into any house he could. He could get quite nasty at times too. Up walking around the house in the night, so of course she was awake too. One day he told me he was going to visit his brother and nephews, told me all about them - where they lived and what they did - thought it odd I hadn't heard about them before. Asked her and she said he didn't and had never had any siblings. Meal times became a nightmare as he often wouldn't eat. She just never knew what he was going to do next.
Seeing how she struggled to do her duty, as she saw it, was heartbreaking. We tried to persuade her to find a care home but she wouldn't. It affects the carer as much, if not more sometimes, as the sufferer.

Arcadia03 ..... aI hear what you say ... but what are your choices here?

Write down the different ways you can deal with this and eliminate the ones you can’t do.

You may be left with leaving things as they are or taking a bigger role in your mothers care somehow.

The toll that caring for a dementia sufferer can take was highlighted today when a very close friend whose husband has Alzheimer’s, was admitted to hospital with a severe unspecified infection. She thought she might have flu and her son and DIL came over on Sunday , (they live about 15 miles away) but must have been worse today as a doctor was called, then an ambulance. TBH she has not been well for months, never an undisturbed night’s sleep, constant care and worry , although her OH is a sweet and gentle man who causes no trouble, but really has little idea of where he is or who is who.
She is 79, he is 88 and I think this has been a wake up call to her family as she has up to now been putting a brave face on things.

My mum had dementia and it was agony for her and for us. You mention the washing machine. Reading between the lines I wonder if your mum needs more continence care and if your brother washes bedding rather than helping with pads (understandably). With regards the fridge, we didn’t have too much food in my parents’ fridge, otherwise a lot would get wasted or even sometimes, my mum would forget she had eaten and then overeat and be sick. It is a tough job that your bother is doing. whilst he may not be doing it perfectly, the question is “is he doing it well enough”. Do you need to sit down with your Mum’s social worker again? Circumstances can change before the next meeting is due. I really feel for you as the three key people in your life need so much from you. Is there a Crossroads in your Mum’s town who can help or a centre who would pick her up and look after her for at least one day a week? That way your brother would have a guaranteed day off. Does your husband receive the maximum support he should be getting? I wish you well. You need to look after yourself too.

Reading between the lines I wonder if your mum needs more continence care and if your brother washes bedding rather than helping with pads (understandably).
Yes, that could be acutely embarrassing for a son to have to care for his mother's needs.

I know some men are nurses but somehow it does not seem right; I certainly would not want my son to have to attend to me if I became incontinent.

Thanks for everyone's thoughts and suggestions. I am really grateful. Having some new perspectives to look at the situation is really helpful.

arcadia I wasn't going to add to this thread, because it's so sensitive. But thought my comments might help.
Our Mum was left on her own when Dad died. Luckily I had just retired and moved to live quite close. I visited regularly, and then she had a stroke. I helped to find her a place in a very good care home where she eventually died.
12 years in all when I was the main person who watched over her, though I'm glad that I did.
I have a younger sister who was still working but lived at a distance, and must admit I got a bit resentful at times that she couldn't help.
We do what we can, within our limits.

It is worse,far worse, than a full time job because it’s one person civering 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Carers as has been said are only there fir half hour or even less because travel between clients isnt taken into account and they can run late. Then meals on wheels just bring the food to the door and leave. That leaves many hours every day when your mother is alone. Sometimes carers fail to turn up or come very late in the morning or they come too early for the evening call so the person being cared for is made ready fir bed in the afternoon. As a social worker I was always having to contact agencies because staff were late or just hadn’t turned up.

My mum had dementia and lived alone. I once visited her at 5 pm to find the evening carer already leaving uthe house. When I went indoors and read the contact book she had put her departure time in as 7.30 saying she uhad given mum her tea and got her undressed. She had done no such thing. Mum hadn’t eaten and was fully dressed. I lived a 50 mile round trip but was there 3 or 4 or often more times a week. My sibling who lived a few minutes away did little. I was so stressed I ended up on medication.

Because carers are not paid as well as they should be there are frequent changes and agencies struggle to get enough staff, so make the staff they have work too hard. People are moved around, and because if this I never felt they were reliable and it’s only when you turn up unexpectedly that you can find things are not as you thought.

Your brother has an awful job, always on call, it’s not surprising he needs to offload sometimes. Your husband is ill too, I understand. Why not look at regular respite care for your mum which would give your brother a week or two off now and again, he certainly deserves it and perhaps let him know you appreciate what he does and try not to criticise, it does not help.

Yes, that could be acutely embarrassing for a son to have to care for his mother's needs
Interesting that we should feel that Jalima. And I would normally agree.
Over Boxing Day - 27th DD’s PILs stayed with us and her MIL needs full care including toiletting. I can honestly say my SIL is a saint as he saw to all his mum’s needs with no more reluctance than he might at helping their 2 year old to use the potty or loo. He will dress or undress her, take her to the loo, help her up to bed, help her with bathing, take her by the hand if she does not know where to go just like a parent would with a child, but in a totally natural unobtrusive way. DD is pretty damn good with her MIL too and I was full of admiration. FIL tries, but is acutely uncomfortable with the elements of personal care, including bathing and hair washing so they have a carer in a couple of times a week for that, but SIL also drives over one morning a week to get her up, washed and dressed.

It was an eye opener to me.

Incontinence was the straw that broke the camel’s back for my father when caring for my mother - for me as well if truth be told, but as mawbroon has commented about her SIL there are people who just have the caring touch and sensitivity to be able to cope. Part of the problem seems sometimes to be when discussing care, a reluctance to discuss continence. I notice that my son had no embarrassment when visiting my father about any of his garandad’s needs. Perhaps this next generation who are used to sharing childcare will also have less embarrassment/inhibition about caring for older relatives. Well done your SIL mawbroon.

When I was working in a care home, one of the residents was the mother of one of the carers.
That carer could not bring herself to give her mother personal care (she was fine with normal washing & dressing).
It was only because she did not want to have to do that for her mother, not because of any general embarrassment, as she had no trouble doing anything needed for the other residents.

If you have concerns about how your brother is (mis)using his power of attorney, your first port of call should be the website of the Office of the Public Guardian. They have substantial powers to investigate the conduct of attorneys.

I feel sorry for your brother. Perhaps he isn't looking after your Mum as well as he should, or would like to. He might be at the end of his tether. It is a thankless and exhausting job caring for someone with dementia. If he is drinking more than he should, perhaps it's his way of coping.

Perhaps you could think of ways in which you could offer support.

Actually, MawBroon, I remember now when DH's grandmother had some problems and he saw to her personal care.

OP, if either of your parents have been in the armed forces you can get help from an Admiral Nurse. The nurse is paid for by the British Legion. I'm not sure if this also applies if you or your brother have been in the forces you would have to check.

Maybe your mother doesn't want him to do her personal care? My late mother used to cry when I needed to change her after her wee accidents,she was doubly incontinent and it was a terrible loss of her dignity that she needed help in this way from her child.I could understand that as she was always a very private and dignified wee woman and this wasn't how she wanted things to be.That may well be the explanation for the washing machine being on 24/7

Maybe your brother's drinking is a symptom of the problems he is having.
He needs your support. As other's have said, take a holiday and visit. If he has never behaved like a martyr before, that is unlikely to be what he is doing now. Give him the benefit of the doubt unless you have been there long enough to assess the situation properly.

Maybe you could move your Mum closer to you and then it could be you visiting her everyday to put your mind and rest. You would be able to fill her fridge, feed her , and ensure she is adequately cared for.

Unless you step into his shoe's for a month or 2 you have no idea, and will be glad to return home. I also think it is time to look for a good good home, for your Mother & for your brother's sake.

My friend looked after her mother who was very aged and then dementia set in. Her sister came over once a week and refused to recognise that her mum was ‘difficult’, to the extent of setting the social services and police onto my friend. This has caused a permanent rift, please don’t let it happen to you.

Arcadia
I feel sorry for your brother. After looking after my late MiL who had dementia, we finally had to let her go into residential care after a few years as we could no longer cope with her. She became progressively worse, confused and more aggressive. She was quite thin too, as she refused lots of food, saying "I've already eaten" and no matter how we tried to coax her into having food it did"nt work. They often become incontinent too after a certain stage, and I can imagine the washing machine is on quite a lot. It sounds like your brother needs a much deserved break from all of this.

I agree with others. I was the same as your brother the one living near to me Mam my Brothers living a few hours drive away, I became my Mams career and then chief organiser of everything, POA which we all had but had to organise care home, house sale everything, it was shattering more than anyone living away can dream and it’s easy to criticise and suggest living away. Also I had to take my Mam to the care home and leave her there and arrange a retirement home for her cat things my Brother said he can’t endure doing that but yet I could somehow? Also, anticipatory grief comes into play so maybe your Brother is suffering this also. The care home had so much washing with my Mam as she became incontinent over the time she was there so he probably does do a lot of washing. It’s not a competition at all though. Enjoy your Mam, mine died two years ago and I wish she was here, we only have one Mam

My father is on his 90s and lives on his own. He is physically frail but mentally alert. He now has carers in the morning. Goes out for his lunch and can make very simple meals for himself. I try to visit most days to help out as he is limited to what he can do but it’s not always possible then I feel so guilty. My brothers live far away and visitvwhen they can. I know they feel guilty that they can’t do more. Please don’t let the situation cause a fall out. There will always be one sibling who shoulders must of the burden. It’s a challenging stage in life and you need one another.
If it’s any reassurance, his fridge is nearly always empty as too much food gets wasted as he eats less and can’t see the sell by dates.

I cared for my husband who had Alzheimers and it was extremely difficult. He used to try to get out of the house at midnight, accused me in front of others of trying to poison him, wanting to shoot him etc. He ate very little. After 2 years of this he had a severe stroke and was in hospital for over a year. Then the hospital told me they needed his bed and that they were sending him to a home. The home cost nearly £1000 per WEEK and although I got Council help with the bill I still had to pay nearly £3000 when he died a few weeks later. A home is not free, although a lot of people think it is. It is only free if you don't own your home and don't have much income. Your brother needs understanding. It may be his hard life which makes him drink.

Is your brother fit to have P.o.A? I wonder how bad his drinking is?
Maybe this is an unreasonable question as I assume he is a functioning alcoholic or he wouldn’t be visiting and doing the laundry....