Brother who cares for Mum is behaving like a martyr

I agree with most other posters that you sadly have no idea what your brother has to cope with day in and day out without any respite. As someone else suggested, why not take some time off and look after her yourself and give your poor brother some much needed relief?

Stop judging and take over for a few weeks and see how you cope.

Whilst I agree that your brother could do with a break I think you will have to be very diplomatic on how you approach the subject. He is probably in a very vulnerable state and it would be too easy for him to think that you are criticizing and questioning his methods of caring. You need to support him but at the same time let him know that you appreciate all that he does for your Mother. Not an easy situation but then caring for someone with dementia must not be easy either. Give him credit where it is due.

I wonder about an alcoholics suitability to have power of attorney, whether they're 'functioning' or not.

Give your brother a break. A monthly visit goes nowhere in terms of appreciating what he is doing for your mother. You need to consider whether or not your mother's and your best interests would be served by admission to a good care home and then you and your brother could share visiting and care more equally. The man must be totally exhausted. Swap places for a month and see how you feel then.

I looked after my mum when she had dementia and it is harder than any full time job and you don't get a break unless someone else is helping - it can literally be 24/7 at times. It can be physically demanding as well as psychologically and all the while you are seeing them disappear bit by bit which in itself is heartbreaking. It can also be frustrating and bitterness for other family members who live away can manifest - unless you are caring day after day, you will never understand how hard it is. While I understand why you feel this way based on what you see, your snapshot tells you nothing about the reality of dementia and I think you need to give your brother your support in any way you can as this is what he needs. My heart goes out to you both in an awful situation .

It is not until you have been in that position (like your brother is) that you can really understand how difficult life is. I looked after my mother for a number of years, and I had a sister who visited every couple of months (although she maintains she came every month). When she came she brought flowers, cakes, fresh eggs, stayed for a couple of hours, then went home, leaving me to clear up and do the washing up from her visit! My mother thought she was wonderful, ‘coming all that way (about a 1.5 hour car journey).

I am still unclear what you want. For us all to agree with you? I think your concerns are from guilt and /or frustration that you cannot do more. Life deals us some difficult cards. Only you know the full details. Its time to look at everything, and everyones needs including your brothers needs and your own needs. Then make the best decision you can and let go of any guilt feelings. You are not superwoman, you and your husband need to have a quality of life too. So make decisions and then feel comfortable with them. Dont beat yourself up, nor your brother. He too has his life and issues. You need to value each other and come to decisions on your mums care that meets both your needs. I do hope you can resolve this and gain a better relationship with your brother.

This painful thread opens up a point that perhaps posters need to think about. Most of the responses you will get will be from decent people....there are really very few who just like to be out and out nasty. That being said any problem stated on here by anyone cannot help being 'one sided' i.e. its from the OP's point of view and hence not everyone will see the problem, as stated, from that person's point of view. We all respond to things differently and some people can cope better in certain circumstances some start off well and then crumble.
In my case we started of cheerily caring 24/7 for an elderly relative with a form of gently incremental dementia. We had plans and systems but unfortunately had not realised that the emotional and psychological side of the matter would nearly destroy us. Hence if I see a thread about anyone caring for someone with dementia my knee jerk response is to feel they have every right to feel 'a martyr'.
That being said we were also aware that family members who could not help for very understandable reasons e.g. new baby, living at a distance or just plain too ill themselves, felt very guilty that they could not help and that in itself was a burden to them. Its such a complicated matter.
Anyway I'd just like to reiterate that there will always be differing opinions on any matter depending on people's experiences and abilities - what seems like a dire situation to some people could be something others feel they could cope with so comments and opinions will vary and rarely from malice.

When my Mum cared for my Dad (who had dementia) she was offered a half day for carers on how to relax / deal with stress (Dad was in respite at the time). I knew that she drank a lot in the evenings and was trying to encourage her to find other ways to "turn off". When I picked her up from the centre, after the workshop, she was triumphant. There had been 10 of them there, and 9 of them drank every evening. And if I ever had to do it, I'd drink too. it's 24/7 "job" and I've seen carers die before the people they care for (this is very common). your Mum needs to go into respite on a regular basis, and he needs as least 1 day off every week. To call this job draining, doesn't even begin to explain what it's like.

I really feel for your brother. My husband had dementia but also a major stroke, there was not one thing he could do himself, was like a second baby. My four children were still young and although carers came and changed him I was worn out all day everyday and the washing machine was constantly on.
I had no family that wanted to know and his sister lives in South Africa but if it was my mum and I was the only one doing anything I think I may feel a bit resentful

Sorry, I just saw the second part of your message and tried to delete my original one but I can’t find how to.

I think its hard, also, to watch a parent gradually losing their skills and abilities.
It broke my heart to see my mum. She was often lonely, she couldn't manage, couldn't get up to put the heating on if it was cold, etc.. it takes a huge toll emotionally.

Arcadia03
Just one question......Why do you accuse your brother of behaving like a martyr?

As a carer yourself then you should know that it is more than a full time job!!

But if you think he is mismanaging her money as her POA, then report him to the appropriate authorities.

Arcadia03

Unless you are actually caring for a person with Dementia, you really have absolutely no idea what a strain it is. Try giving your brother some more support rather than making rash unfounded judgements. He is probably buckling over the worry and stress of it all. Offer some practical help and give him a break, possibly ? Or find out what other support is available for him in their area ?

Just read on and saw your additional post Arcadia3. If your brother is an alcoholic why on earth would you entrust him to care full time for your mum ? Hard decisions need to be made and frank discussion with social services is a priority. I wish you luck

Perhaps if your mother's dementia is so severe you should consider residential care? A friend's mother thought she was in a posh hotel for her entire time in a residential home and another thought she was still in her own home because they put all her bits and pieces around her.
My mother lived with me, my sister lives about 100 miles away and stayed now and again so I could go on holiday but the nitty gritty was left to me and the carers. Fortunately my mother was still OK 50% of the time and although very frail and dolally we could still have a laugh and a chat. However the last six weeks were very stressful as we had the end of life team coming in 3 times a day. My sister didn't see my mother St all during that time. I am so glad I had her living with me though and I think my sister missed out by not seeing much of her. My mother didn't want to go to stay with my sister. What about your mother staying with you now?

I too had a mum with dementia 20 odd miles away and I had a job and two children to take care of as my husband was in the fire service so on duty most of the time. I dealt with it all, reluctantly put her, first in sheltered housing which just completely disoriented her so had to put her in a home nearby, I thought my brother who drove past the home twice a day would call in but it transpired he called in on the way home, could see her in the dining room for tea so considered that a visit! None of her old friends or neighbours saw her but I brought her home twice a week for a meal. Eventually, I did the right thing for me! I moved her into a home near me so I could go every day and bring her out when I wanted! I’m suggesting if she’s going to go in a home, find one near you and then you can see to it all but when it suits you.

Caring for a person with dementia is stressful and very tough, even with external carers. If the resident carer has health issues too, e.g. alcoholism, then it will be tougher for all concerned. If nobody else is available to share the care on a regular basis then maybe other options, e.g. residential care, need to be explored.
I personally think it is wrong to criticise the person dealing with the daily grind of dementia care for a loved one unless they reall are behaving dangerously. Few would choose that as a lifestyle.
If the OP has real concerns for the safety of her mum she needs to speak the LA elderly care team.

I agree with most other posters on the matter. Your brother must have an awful life. Dementia is terrible and looking after someone with dementia just as terrible. I would say in looking after your mother he is a martyr. Don’t compain because people have written something you don’t want to hear.

You have only stayed with your mother for few days at a time, whereas your brother has to look after her 7 days a week, which is much more than a full time job. If he is drinking alcohol too much I would think this is a coping mechanism! Perhaps he needs more support and, although you may not want to hear it, this type of care is considerably harder (and soul destroying) than just turning up for a few days. I think your brother is amazing to give her this care, but it could be getting too much for him. Perhaps the "Martyr" feeling is because he is doing all the hard work and, to be honest, it doesn't sound like he is being appreciated!!

I think we can see from the comments here between people who do not know the family or have any stake in this situation what an emotive and divisive issue caring for relatives is. No wonder it can put strain on relationships within the family!

I am carer with POA for my adult daughter and its blinking hard work and your brother sounds like he is desperate for some help and a break. Give him the break he needs and look after your mum for a week or two and you will see him in a new light.

Give your brother a break! I care for my husband who has severe dementia. My washing machine is constantly in use as people with dementia are often (always) doubly incontinent. Unless you have spent at least a week caring for your mother 24 hours a day you have NO IDEA of the physical and mental exhaustion involved. My day starts with a wet bed (in spite of having been up at least four times in the night, often changing sheets) and goes downhill from there.