Husband with cancer taking it out on me

My mother had a severe stroke in 1992. One day fit and healthy, the next struck down, paralysed, no speech, no comprehension, could not walk, read, write, speak, had to go into a nursing home and was totally dependent on others, not even able to turn in bed, had to be turned during the night to prevent bedsores. When I visited she was often furiously angry with me, staring fixedly and banging her wheelchair; other times weeping inconsolably. I wrote to the Stroke Association and they said people usually take it out on those closest to them and she was trying to communicate her feelings without words. It was terrible because I could do nothing to make things better. Speech therapist and physio did not help at all. My advice try and plan little escapes for yourself. Could anyone sit with him while you get out even just for a walk? There is nothing you can do. It is not your fault this has happened. We had 9 terrible years of seeing my mother trapped and suffering.

It is known as the circle of intimacy. Others are treated pleasantly, but nearest have the unacceptable behaviour until they too become within the circle. Several posters have explained tactics that may ease things. You are doing a terrific job, hope you find some solace for you.

I used to be a Marie Curie nurse so I understand entirely what you are saying...my patients were all so lovely to me, but I know from their relatives that wasn't the case often when I wasn't there. As a lifelong nurse and someone that has run wards and nursing homes, I am bossy, so when DH isn't well, he is a doctor by the way and the worst kind of patient, I am matter of fact, kind, do whats required, but don't allow him to push boundaries. He broke his arm whilst waiting for a hip replacement and was all kinds of awkward! I just set the rules and the boundaries. I will help you in any way I can as long as you are not taking the micky, if you can do it yourself, do it. You don't get to take it out on me, because I am the one that is here....if you do get arsey…..then I wont be the one that is here. What I do, I do with love, if you are mean or nasty, then I wont be feeling the love and you wont be getting help. Yes of course its the condition he has, he is watching himself diminish....from strong husband provider role, to what Im sure he perceives as someone incapable and needing all your help, the incontinence Im sure is the last straw for him. Its a fine balance between understanding the hurt and helplessness he is feeling, but not allowing him to become the unkind, demanding bully at home. Ive had experience of this with my own mother. I would drive 3 hours to take her out for the day and when I arrived at 10am...earlier than expected...she would have gone out as she wanted me to be there at 8.30! she would be unkind and rude...I put it down to depression of old age which is common. My brothers reduced their visits and she became ever more lonely. In the end I sat her down with a cup of tea and told her non of us wanted to visit because she was being so horrible. I mentioned lots of incidents and said if this continues mum, you will be on your own. She left the room, clearly had a cry, came back and believe it or not made a huge effort in the future. My brothers even commented on how much nicer their visits were. Good luck.

I suggest you join the Carers UK forum asap. Lots of support and advice there. I'll keep an eye open for you, later on in the day.

Have you looked into rest bite care , where you can have a day out once a week . Having that little bit of time to yourself and not running around after your husband . It would give you something to look forward and give you the edge to carry on during the week . I know it's not easy , through experience , but keep your chin up .

So sorry you are going through this ...as others have said, I is sadly the nearest and dearest the frustration and anger is taken out on. My husband had Parkinson's, dementia and cancer of the oesophagus ...he had always been so capable working all day on the house and garden ..planning the next project that even when he was ill he was trying to paint the shed …..I was unable to stop him without being abused and having all sorts of things thrown at me (objects, as well as abuse !) He refused any help at all ...pushed me and the Nurse away, fell so many times when I had to call the ambulance as I could not lift him, refused to wear the pull up pants and tried to climb out of the hospital bed we had at home, that for the last three months I had no choice, with no help, but to find a care home for him and tell him I was looking for a more suitable place we could live with no garden etc (the psychologist advised I keep up this), it was hard to visit him every day and when he was still able to speak, to hear him say Get me out of here,,,,,and the worst was when he as ked for a lawyer so he could sue me for taking his money (I didn't...he never had any, preferring to spend it all) the money for the care home came from an inheritance of mine which was sad but fortunate or I could not have paid for it ! I really tried to keep him at home and despite his anger and aggression, I tried to say to myself it is the illness,,,although he had always been fairly self centred we had only been married for 15 years (he was a widower) and out of those, around 5 were good and many times I had saved up to leave, and then stayed. In the end I was pleased I did and feel that although I did everything I could for him he . would never have been happy He died in May this year and now at last he is out of his misery. If you find it too hard to look after him at home, NEVER feel guilty if you have to find some outside respite ...and think what he would do for you if it were the other way round, When I had cancer which returned twice husband told me to stop making things up and there was nothing wrong with me (no, only two years of chemo and two major ops ! ha ha) and that was before the illness he had ! Bon courage x

family always get the raw deal.. they always take it on the one that cares for them. you can always stand your ground and say ok you do it then..... and go out the garden and scream.. tell him that if he's not more polite then he can jolly well get on and do it himself. trouble is maybe he cant and thats why he is venting his anger on you ,you being number one to be angry with.get some more help here .talk to your doctor or local care services. tell him his language and actions are not acceptable. he's angry because his independance has been taken away...

I tell my husband at difficult times that I am not the enemy!

I recognise all this. DH (2 strokes, 1 brain haemorrhage) is often unkind and verbally cruel to me. I do all driving, shopping, banking, cooking, hauling wheelchair, medical appointments, heaving out of bath sometimes....situation is complicated by the fact that we live abroad and he doesn't speak much of language - has forgotten what little he knew.
I could go on. He is always tolerant even pleasant toward others but never me. I do often correct some of his more ridiculous claims...eg when he says I didn't say something when I know I did, or when he tells me my memory is failing!. Sounds petty but added together, day in day out, it becomes very wearing.
I fully sympathise/empathise with OP but all we can do is remember that it used to be different and it's the frustration of the illness/disability/prognosis at the cause of it.
I think I've only stated the ble**ing obvious, but it might help someone else to rationalise, keep calm, and carry on!

You have my warmest sympathy. This is one of the saddest aspects of any terminal illness or of invalidism.

Please do try not to take it personally, to a great extent it is the disease talking, not your husband.

This said, I have never believed that serious illness entitles the patient to be rude and uncaring to those about them, so please, take the advice to set boundaries.

Whether your husband likes it or not, you need time off to go out, relax, have your hair done, or whatever else you want to do, so please do look into some of the voluntary organizations that can provide help and DO NOT make the mistake of staying in the house, unless you go to sleep, while someone else is sitting with him.

If there is any possibility of him going into care for a week or a fortnight while you have a complete change, do take it. Make the arrangements and tell you husband you have done so, because you are breaking down and need a respite if you are to be able to continue looking after him, which you want to do because you love him.

Have you tried telling him furiously that he is a right pain in the a***? My mother's behaviour improved immensely after my sister lost it and said precisely that to her.

Whatever you do, do not feel guilty, you are doing your utmost and there is no reason why you should work yourself to death looking after you husband. Please do look after yourself, and come back here whenever you want and let off steam.

As you can see, we have all been in similar situations and know what it is like.

Wishing you the strength to carry on.You need strength.I am in similar situation, GP said 'Aren't you lucky that he feels well enough to complain.' Er,no.

I contacted local hospice,they have been a wonderful support and said if I take him,he can stay there for one day a week.socialise,have lunch ,sometimes see a nurse and they will drop him off at 3.30pm. I feel like I am just hanging on. I do hope you can find support for yourself.I spoke to a lady from the hospice last week and poured it all out for an hour. She was lovely.

He must be suffering and they do take it out on the nearest etc. I must say though you need to make him understand that’s it’s not your fault he is ill, and In The words of Thumper, “if you haven’t got anything nice to say” please look after yourself as many a carer has been made Ill or worse because of the stress and strain. Look after yourself

bobbydog24. I am so very sorry to hear about this tragic situation.

But, bobbydog24, I am very worried about you. Luckygirl has spoken very wisely imho, and so too has moggie57 saying get some more help.

You do need more help. Nobody can carry this painful and demoralising situation alone. I know help is coming in but you do need more. If the people from whom you need to ask for help do not recognise what is happening to you, you need to film your husband while her shouts at you. Sorry, this is extreme, but you are so on your own, and you may say you are not depressed, but this kind of pressure is too awful for one person to be left alone to deal with. It really is the kind of thing that causes depression, if not now, while you battle on, but later when you remember.

Also I am worried for your husband. It is too easy to take for granted that he feels so terrible with such overwhelmingly distressing cancer attacking him and making his life intolerable. Sadly, people just assume that he has to feel like that because the situation is like that. But things can be done to help him! I am very worried about his state of mind and the depths of his distress. It can be helped. Palliative care is not just pain-relief. It is about helping the patient to feel calm and to take away their fear.

It may be that your poor husband is depressed - Heaven knows he has reason to be! Depressed people can be very angry and channel it at one person or save it and express it just at one time. Often of course they turn it inwards.

Please get more help. For yourself. It is not wrong to say you cannot go on like this. Your husband having these dreadful outbursts is not at all good for him either. It demonstrates his horrific distress and anger at his disease. We know this is justified, but having to live out his days in such distress is not good either. He needs assessment from the palliative care team or whatever your area have, and something done to make his mood more comfortable for him.

It sounds to me that he is ready for Hospice care. This is not a failure on your part. It is a good, positive thing to do. The way he is letting rip at you, the bitterness, is really not good for him any more than it is for you. It is possible to help people in his position to feel more calm and lessen their distress. I have seen this in several cases. Most of my cases were people with a secondary tumour on the brain. I am assuming your husband is being monitored for metastases and that there is no brain involvement in his illness affecting his mood?

Dear bobbydog24, even if you are not depressed you must be exhausted. Please hand over the jobs and work to others who do it without the emotional connection -professionally, and free yourself to be with your husband as a comforter and loving wife.

Please show the people concerned exactly what it is like for you. I truly think your husband needs help with his moods.

Wishing you the very best of help, a blessed change in your husband's moods towards you, that he may feel calm and that a sense of peace may enfold you both, so that when your husband departs this life it may be serenely and with the assurance that he goes on to a life where there are no tears or pain, but all live in pure and wonderful love.
With love and prayers, Elle ???

Teddy111. So sorry. I don't know if any of my reply to Bobbydog might help you. Thinking of you, God bless, ???

Tell him, if he doesn't treat you with respect you will leave him, and mean it.

Oh frankie74 you have a Saint's job to cope with! I send you all my sympathy. Try very hard to treat his words like the proverbial water off a duck's back. It is the brain damage to some extent, but it is so frustrating that in this situation the patient picks on the partner and is all sweetness and light to everyone else. We did have the facility to leave the couple together and observe them and so we did see the poor wife (let's say 'wife', as you are the wife) getting nagged remorselessly. This was a long time ago so practices have almost certainly changed now. Money wouldn't allow so much time for the diagnosis for a start!

You might get a little way by telling him off like a schoolteacher to an 8yr old. I can't really give you much help without knowing more. But I do send you every sympathy and I do know you are a Saint! Bless you!! ?

As Solonges says set the rules an boundaries. I trust that if you are still in the same bed room you have two single beds. If you are in a double bed with him still make sure you have a guest bed made up.

Advise him that you expect to be spoken to with the same courtesy that hem s[eakes to his carers.

and then go on to an acknowledgement of the sad emotional situation you are both in

Say how sad you are and you know its tough but together in harmony you will be able to make sure he has as many happy days as possible (or something of this sort)

Good luck.

has anyone suggested a catheter for the incontinence problem? My husband had one on and off for a bit (tho' his was a prostate prob in the end) but its v. easy to change the bags . Might be more comfortable than pads etc? Its all horribly demoralising for both of you, but do reach out to Marie Curie if you can. You need as much back up as you can get. Good luck

VIOLETTE. (I wrote earlier - doorbell rang - my message disappeared... sorry!)

Dear Viollette, what a very sad story. You are a compassionate and caring person and he was a self-centred person. I hope that is not too frank! This is a partnership I have seen again and again. Why? Because I was a Counsellor, and the Compassionate person after some years, if often treated in a worse and worse way until she (majority are female) is so depressed she seeks help - usually blaming herself even then!

I am so glad this is now in your past. I am sorry again to be blunt. Of course I am sorry to hear that your bereavement was so recent, all bereavements are hard. But your letter here is so filled with common-sense and supportive words for anyone else in the same situation! I am very impressed by you and think you are a truly wonderful person.

I am so sorry you had to use your own money for his care when he refused to do what was best as a patient.

I do hope the future will bring you much peace and happiness! - greatly deserved! ?

yes I have experienced this problem second and first hand.
My last husband had motor neurone disease and was loved by so many - everyone, such a hero, so creative, so funny and charismatic...except to me. If I ever complained he said he would rather be me...then when I got cancer he was furious with me for upsetting him. He actually left me for a younger woman...he let it be believed by his frinds that I had left him because of the disease it was so dreadfully unfair but how can you ever complain about someone who has such a dreadful disease? My GP was furious and told me to throw all his stuff out into the street...but you keep 'understanding' . He had many fans, she dumped him later. It will always be a tragic mystery to me and in restrospect wish I had been tougher with him because there was no apeasing his hidden rage and grief.
I first heard of this phenomena when my cousin, a sweet, obedient wife, was daily abused by her husband who had a terminal illness. She used to confide in my mum because she didn't have one. We couldn't understand it...then I experienced it. It's horrid and very sad. I wish you all the strength and support our understanding can give you. It's not about love which is what we all try to tell ourselves...its about disrespect and getting away with it.

I think this post from Carolpaint puts it in perspective
It is known as the circle of intimacy. Others are treated pleasantly, but nearest have the unacceptable behaviour until they too become within the circle. Several posters have explained tactics that may ease things. You are doing a terrific job, hope you find some solace for you

There are clearly many members who have sadly had this experience. And others we know of who may not have posted on this thread. The one piece of advice I would categorically counsel against is the “telling him off like a schoolteacher or treating him like a naughty 8 year old” which seems unnecessarily cruel and destructive. He is already reacting against being dependent and feeling demoralised, please don’t exacerbate that. Filming is likewise a dreadful thought.
Walk away, into another room or the garden, get help, enlist support fro friends and family by all means, but don’t emasculate him further.

I have a friend in exactly the same position, she's 85 her husband is 87. He doesn't have cancer but he had a stroke 15 years ago. She suffers abuse from him, he's grumbling all the time and won't do a thing for himself. If she's on the phone he's shouting for her all the time. A nightmare. Men do not cope well with illness. A woman will cry (well at least I do) to relieve anxiety, a man will usually try to be in control of everything. My husband lost the use of his left arm in a road accident years ago. Since then he likes everything done his way. Difficult to cope with but I do try to understand. I really feel for you bobbydog24 it's a rotten way to have live your life.??

Bobbydog - if you're on Facebook come along to the Unpaid Carers Support Group (UK). There probably won't be any answers but you'll "meet" many people in a similar position, who understand just what you are putting up with. If nothing else there will be sympathetic ears if you need to vent

Lots of emotional advice and some really useful practical help of the sort grandtanteJE65 has given. I really hope you see that you need to make the time to think about what to do. Do it at coffee time or in bed. Set a plan, make notes, list the people and numbers to contact and then do it. I'm at this stage as a carer and I know I have to ask for more help now but it is hard when you don't have much spare time or energy. Social services are notoriously slow but can be very helpful if they are pushed and reminded ... and pushed again! If you don't qualify for help from social services, agencies such as AgeUK offer not for profit help so it's worth contacting them to see what they can do for you. You must have times away as, in reality, your OH's situation will not improve, and sometimes it is hard to protect yourself in a constant care situation. I read The Selfish Pig's Guide To Caring: How to cope with the emotional and practical aspects of caring for someone by Hugh Marriott, as recommended by a gransnetter, which is a very good read in itself and focuses the mind on practical help. Don't listen to people who say 'well you know it's only the illness speaking'. Yes you do, but that doesn't help you at all. Please try not to let it go, do follow the advice on here. Very best wishes.

When my DH had TTP, he was very angry when he had the first couple of complete plasma transfers. It was uncomfortable for him, being connected at the neck to a main line, on a blood exchange machine, unable to move for hours. One time I was sitting with him on the Ward the night before another plasma transfer. He got extremely upset, shouting about something silly because I hadn’t picked his dry cleaning up that day rather than the next day.
He then said he would have to walk out and do it himself.

Getting angrier and angrier, I slipped of his room and spotted the registrar who I said very quietly to him this ‘ Doctor, sorry to have to say this, but if he’s not helped to calm down, he will walk out and avoid the treatment. ‘.

They gave him something to calm him down and a friendly male nurse to one to one him during and in the lead up to the plasma exchange.

He is still with us.

Maybe some help, calming down?