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Elderly parents both 99

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Twig14 Mon 26-Aug-19 09:25:27

Morning I am finding things very difficult at the moment. I have two elderly parents both aged 99. A couple of weeks ago my DD was taken into hospital as he had a lung infection he’s also got Alzheimer’s. They have both constantly refused any outside help apart from myself and my sister. Last year my DH was diagnosed with a serious blood condition and was very ill. I looked after him and due to being v tired I too took I’ll. I was therefore unable to do quite as much for my parents. During my Dd stay in hospital I have visited whenever I could my sister has let it be known that I have done nothing for years a blatant lie. In fact I brought my mother to stay with me last week during that time my DH took I’ll and I had to ask for a drs visit. My sister has family and gets help via her grown up daughter and son. I don’t have anyone apart from my DH n don’t live quite so near. My son works in the Far East and my Daughter works in Dubai. My sister has never given me her mobile number in case I need to contact her. She never calls me not even when I was in hospital myself recently nor do any of her family. She sent a text to my daughter claiming I had done nothing. This is so untrue I have done numerous hospital visits cooked meals n done shopping. In fact my parents GP realised the situation after my mother fell n wanted then to have some care. I went through everything with a Social worker n my mother agreed to help for a few hours once per week. I thought at least it was a start. All was ready to commence when the social worker called to say my sister had phoned her and she had discussed with my mother and that no help was required. I just don’t know what more I can do. My DH is 78 and not a well man. My mother demands to be taken to see my DD in hospital each evening. I cannot do this as much as my sister with help from her family. I took my mother home two days ago and had to ask my son daughter to text her as I won’t be given her mobile number. My daughter did that for me. During my mothers stay with me not one call cane from my sister to see how she was. I believe she is staying over now at my mothers but leaves her on her own all day. It’s a dreadful situation and don’t know what to do

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Lilyflower Wed 28-Aug-19 09:50:12

This story, OP, resonates with me as my own DS did the same when my DM had Alzheimer's and was in residential care. She accused me of leaving her to do the 'lion's share' of visiting etc. when she moved mum from being equidistant from both of us to within five minutes' walk of herself.

We could hardly fit in weekly visits when the car journeys took all day and, when, often, my DS did not offer us so much as a cup of tea when we were so far from home.

My Ds stonewalled, kept vital information about mum from us and was generally witholding so making impossible the demands she also placed on us to help.

I have no advice to offer. When communications break down it becomes impossible. Others think blame for difficulties lies on both parties and in our case it was the ill will of my DS which drove all the problems. It seems to be the case for you too. Having the moral high ground is of little comfort when you are under attack.

But you have my heartfelt sympathy.

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GreenGran78 Wed 28-Aug-19 23:44:21

Lilyflower You have my sympathy. My sister insisted that our mother was found a residential place near her, as 'she couldn't travel far because of the children'. I had children too, but granted her wish. Sister visited Mum a few times, then picked a fight with her and never visited again. I was left in the position of having to travel over 20 miles each way with a small child. It took 4 bus journeys, and I was always worried in case I was delayed, making me late in collecting the other children from school. This continued for 2 years. Finally, when Mum needed care in a nursing home, I managed to find her a place near my home.

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Twig14 Mon 02-Sept-19 15:26:14

Hello to everyone who took the time to send a reply it was extremely appreciated. I’m 72 and my husband is 78. I now have the safe home team visiting my elderly father 4 times per day plus occupational therapists which has been a great relief. My sister won’t give me her telephone number which I fail to understand. There’s little I can do about this. Your kindness and advice from you all has been greatly appreciated. As my grown up son n daughter live at the other side of the world I can honestly say I was at my wits end. My DH is not well and I was looking after my elderly mother at my house and my husband was being visited by his GP plus my elderly father was in hospital. It’s onky a few months ago when I too had an op. I was taking numerous calls from the various agencies at the hospital. I decided to contact gransnet in desperation! To be able to read all your comments and advice n to know there are others in a similar situation really helped. I’m getting there albeit slowly. Thank you to each and everyone one of you xxx

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