Caring for elderly parent

It’s so refreshing to see that I am not the only one on this Groundhog Day merry go round.
My mum had a heart attack back in January and is now at home with carers twice a day and me running around like a mad person. My brother lives abroad so it’s just me. My husband and family are great but it still falls on me.
What has surprised me the most is my reaction to all this.
I am a sorter, a fixer - I can do anything- until now,
Where have these panic attacks come from, the lack of sleep and dare I say it - the total lack of love towards my mum. She is driving me nuts. She tells everyone how wonderful I am, then says I don’t love her, that I only see her because of duty and that she is considering taking an overdose. Manipulation comes to mind !!!
I have had these feelings for years but the recent extra neediness has kicked it into another court. I feel she is sucking me dry and that I can’t have a normal life of my own.
This week I have taken a step back and am not going in so often. Does that help - no.
She is extremely immobile with a dodgy back, knees and has fallen 3 times since January - no injuries yet.
Is it normal to think that her Death is the only time I will be free.

Goodness - this is not the answer. I had to do it twice and it turned me into a jibbering wreck. Add alcohol in to equation and it will make you ill as well.

Sadly, although we would not wish the accidents on our parent, it is often the only way they get recognition by those who should be offering help but are juggling many like our parents with very little money. The idea that people "need to stay in their home" has to be challenged.

My mother died in January having been in a care home for 14 months. On her death certificate, it said she died from "old age and frailty". She was 99. I promise you that when she moved in - after weeks going round the NHS system with a broken ankle - she had been suffering from both plus Alzheimer's, chronic rheumatoid arthritis which led to a deterioration in her spine, and on and on. Ironically I too was ill while try to care and get care and my issues had only just be diagnosed when she went to the lovely home.

If the government eventually looks at Care system I do think they must set something up where you can rent or buy whatever you need to live in, in a place where proper care is provided. Mum needed 24-hour care. This did not mean she needed constant care but someone constantly available. She would never be able to get that at home as neither she, we or the local authority would be able to afford it.

I do wish you well MaiBea. If you are getting to the end of your tether you can ring a number on Alzheimer's UK and talk to an Admiral Nurse. I truly believe one conversation with one of these knowledgable people saved my sanity. www.dementiauk.org/get-support/find-an-admiral-nurse/

Sorry to hear about your situation. I thought I'd share an idea, which you might be interested in now. Or perhaps further down the line... Have you heard of elderly people homesharing with younger people? It would depend on whether your Mum's open to the idea, and whether the second bedroom's available. But it's an interesting option to look into. Two Generations run a programme, with all the necessary safety checks:

twogenerations.co.uk/

There's been a surge in demand for it in these corona virus times, which you can read about here:

medium.com/@hayleycannoninfo/the-lives-of-isolated-elderly-people-can-be-transformed-through-homesharing-with-young-people-3c704bce7913

There's a Facebook group some of you might like too, which is specifically for people with elderly parents / relatives in lockdown. A place to swap practical tips, like how to get their food shopping to them, how to help them stay entertained etc

www.facebook.com/groups/parentsinlockdown/

Hope some of that is useful food for thought...