Fed up and feeling resentful today

I looked after my mother who had dementia. One day her neighbour saw me going round for the third time that day and said that my mother had been out looking for me because she hadn't seen me for ages.

I would make her dinner and my husband would take it round while I dished ours up.

Eventually one day when I was sitting next to him with tears dropping off my chin, he said that it was him or my mum so we started looking at residential homes.

One of her neighbours was a hairdresser who went round homes so she was able to recommend a good one which took her on a trial and it worked out well.

Washerwoman

Oh dear Erica.And going through it on your own.Although at times getting agreement with siblings as to how to proceed can be frustrating.I had to really push for Powers of Attorney, and when mum did agree they said they would sort it as at the time I was working,helping with DGCs and doing her cleaning, showering etc.Guess what ?Turns out they only did the Finance one and not the Health one. Didn't think it was necessary,and didn't tell me.And now she really hasn't got capacity.
I hope you get your break.We're booked for a week away in late spring.Only in the UK but who knows if that will happen.I thought I wasn't too fussed as long as I got a few days off from mum,but now realise a complete change of scene would be great.
Take care of yourself the best you can.And all you other carers out there .

To be honest, the finance LPA is the only one I have needed to use for mum so far, she now lives in a care home as she has quite advanced Alzheimer’s. Once it was determined that she had lost capacity, I have not had to give the medical LPA to anyone.

Theres never a complete fit madgran I was talking about on the whole not every single person

Yes I realised that Bluebelle but I don't really think it is "on the whole" either. No matter! It definitely happens with quite a lot of elderly people. What will we be like? I would like to think I will be like my Mum...but who knows eh?!!

Maddyone controversial but do I agree.The burden on women our age ,recently retired and yet helping with grandchildren has increased so much.Truly the sandwich generation.
I feel better for some sleep and a good stomp round muddy woods.And knowing you lovely lot are going /have gone through the same .
Ironically mum was a senior health professional.A lifetime of helping women and dishing out advice.But so reluctant to receive it herself !

To be honest, the finance LPA is the only one I have needed to use for mum so far, she now lives in a care home as she has quite advanced Alzheimer’s. Once it was determined that she had lost capacity, I have not had to give the medical LPA to anyone.

Make sure that your mother's doctors, and the care home management, are aware that you have the Health LPA.

A friend of mine was baffled as to why health decisions concerning her mother were being made by medical staff without consulting her.
She found out that her mother's records stated only that there was a Financial LPA - the Health one had been omitted.

One other point is DM drinking enough? 5 Mugs a day is recommended in this age group.
We've set Alexa up with reminders. It does make a difference for her.

I ll tell you a funny story my friends mum was in a care home she always said she’d had no visitors although my friend went regularly anyway one day my friend went and found her mum sitting in her chair she sat down next to her and started making small talk this went on for about ten minutes then the mum got up and walked away without a word, thinking she had gone to the toilet my friend sat and waited after about ten minutes she went to look for her worried she may have fell She found her sitting in the corridor my friend said I wondered where you’d gone what are you doing sitting out her the mother replied Trying to get away from that old woman who won’t stop talking to me

That’s so funny Bluebellen???

Sounds like early dementia to me, something she can’t help, it’s very hard to look after someone with this, she obviously wants to be independent as long as she can( who wouldn’t) especially when I hear the fridge was in a state, I had experience of this things out of date, not looking after themselves properly, thinking could do everything themselves while it was clear they couldn’t, I’m glad to have others that are helping her too, I wouldn’t compare her with someone else though, I know it’s hard but this is how it is with her! It’s exhausting isn’t it,you have my sympathy, don’t be so hard on yourself you are doing your very best for her, treat each day as a new day, take a deep breath, who knows what we will be like when we are old,

That’s hilarious bluebelle

Washerwoman you have my total sympathy. It’s so difficult trying to do the best for someone who is very independent and stubborn, to their own detriment. My mother lives alone, is 96, and I am 16 miles away. She was similar to your mum in that she didn’t want any help from carers, and family help only on her own terms.. She became more frail and debilitated with arthritis, and in severe pain, and went on to oramorph for pain relief. She was fussy about easy meals, only accepting those from M&S, and wouldn’t agree my organising her medication in a safe way, but insisted on managing herself (she is a retired nurse). Result being, she fell down the stairs, out of her chair lift, whilst whoozy on morphine, and hasn’t walked since.

After weeks in hospital she returned home, having to accept carers 4 times a day. She can do nothing for herself, and has a hospital bed in the lounge, in a house which is totally unsuitable. Mentally she is deteriorating, but is still very determined, and can get angry with carers and me, if we do not do what she wants. Refuses to consider a care home, and regularly presses her alarm button, calling out paramedics unnecessarily. She has my brother at her beck and call who lives nearer her, and I try and manage from afar at the moment, but it is so difficult, coping with frequent crises, and her house maintenance too (its old), not to mention Covid.

Don’t feel guilty about how you feel, it’s very normal, you need to prioritise yourself, and your own well-being. Taking time out to go for walks and so on.I have found that the only sane way to stay sane is to set boundaries, about what I will and won’t do. She’d love me to be there constantly, regardless of my own family. As she has become more dependent she has become completely self centred, which I guess is why she has managed to live so long. You really do need some support
to manage, particularly if it becomes long term.

Bluebell

Bluebelle that is hilarious

I am so sorry for your situation, Washer woman; I suffered similar with my father who refused any help I tried to arrange (living 180 miles away) until he was found wandering the streets with no idea where or who he was and had to be taken into care.
Hang on to the fact, now and later, that you and your family are doing everything you absolutely can for your mother, and that it is not your fault she behaves like this. You are doing over and above what is expected, and you must never feel guilty; you can do no more.
Try and look after yourself; you seem to have a brilliant family.

I hope you manage to have a restful night. I often think caring for family is the hardest thing people do. You are allowed to get frustrated and tired and exhausted - you are allowed to say 'sod it'. All of those things let you carry on rolling with it. All my best

Let’s not underestimate what this lockdown has done for those with dementia and those caring for them. My mother has vascular dementia and mixed Alzheimer’s and is going from bad to worse. I now have this person who can’t remember pooing on the carpet twice this morning and thinks she looks after herself very well. And me, it’s sent me over the edge once and I had to stay away for a couple of weeks to reclaim my sanity. Seriously I am a super strong person but when you are in lockdown with one of the only people you could legally visit due to being in their care bubble - no I don’t live with her- it gets to you. My mother won’t even entertain a care home and doesn’t care about me - that bit of her brain has gone. All she talks to me about is wanting to die and how can she die. Your mother is not going to get better, you have to find a way of dealing with it cause there’s only one way out for her. Get power of attorney if you don’t have it already. Have a rota where each person gets a week off at a time. You need it and you will need it even more in the coming months. And let’s all make sure we don’t do this to our kids, let’s make our wishes known before we go dotty. We have expressly told our kids to put us in a home if needed. I don’t want our kids mopping up my poo or having these feelings about me.

Agree Betty65 - I've told my DDs if I get like DM,, I'm happy to go in a home - I trust they'll pick a nice one & visit me a couple of times a year.
Just hope I'm as accommodating when/ if the time comes. ?? to all of you.

Just returned and seen your comments Betty.That is my mum too .In her head she looks after herself perfectly well.When I take a nice meal I get berated for treating her as if she can't cook.She can't,and she doesn't.When I had to shower her and change all her clothes the other day because she had had the runs didn't even remember she had been ill,or realise she wasn't clean.Yesterday was another bad visit where I nearly lost it after masking up and going to the supermarket specifically for all the stuff she was running out of including pads,toiletries and cleaning stuff as well as food and walked in with a big bag full to be greeted with why have you come,what have you brought that for ?I could have screamed and walked right out the but stayed to give her a meal.I'm not even hungry she said .Then demolished a plateful.
As for saying to your children if I get worse put me in a home.Well mum used to cheerfully say that- but now gets mad at any suggestion of any other help or any other solutions.It seems it's easy to say that,but the reality isn't always as straightforward.Especially as she doesn't have any significant savings to enable us to choose one for her.It will end up in the hand of social services if things come to a head.Beacause POA's - well my brothers sorted those.Or rather didn't fully.And only because I insisted at least two or all of us should have them.They did the finance one-sort of ,but still not registered with the bank it now's transpires - but not the health one,as decided it wasn't necessary without telling me -and now it's too late as we couldn't honestly say she has capacity.I honestly thought both had been done.At the time it it was agreed they would sort the finances whilst I sorted the practical stuff like finding a cleaner / carer she might accept and keeping on top of the shopping,house stuff and appointments,Big mistake.

Betty and washerwoman you have my heartfelt sympathy. So much of what you say is happening to my mum at the moment, although not as bad as your mums. It is so very difficult. Mum has carers 3 times a day but complains terribly about them ,constantly telling me to cancel them as she can do everything herself even though she has virtually no short term memory now.
She has very high bp ,the DR wants to increase her medication but she won’t hear if it ! I have POA but he says she still has capacity to make her own decisions, we seem to go around in circles !
I feel like running away and never coming back. I’ve cut my visits down to twice a week to save my sanity. I wake up every morning with headache and a feeling of dread. It’s no life I’m afraid. I wouldn’t want this for my children , no way.

It seems then we are stuck between a rock and a hard place BUT let’s tread carefully. Since writing last I went into melt down mode again. I stood screaming at my mother in the middle of her lounge asking her why she hates me so much and would her mother have done it to her. It was awful because I did not get any reaction other than don’t go - stay with me. I was not proud of my outburst but it did confirm that I’d reached my limit. The next day I told my mum that I was going on holiday for a week from yesterday to next weekend to which she said how lovely - let me pay. My daughter is getting her shopping this week and the carers are in place. I’m not going anywhere but to go to sleep without that ‘what will tomorrow bring’ is just wonderful. I slept so well last night. If you are able and strong enough I suggest you do the same. I don’t know where you live but I would not wish to meet up with you in the local mental institution nor in the local prison having committed any crime. If we don’t look after ourselves - no one else will.

Oh Betty so sorry ,you really have reached the end of your tether. Dementia is truly awful and it’s difficult to remember them as they were sometimes this seems as if it’s been going on forever.
I’m so pleased you have your daughter to help and you have done the right thing. It is without doubt the hardest job ever.
I’ve also had a meltdown with my mum on Friday ,when I visited she had everything out of the wardrobes on the bed , the step ladders were out, she’d been climbing to the top shelf of the wardrobes She had started spring cleaning ! Of course I told her several times of the dangers, she just thinks I’m bring over protective. I’ve phoned today, and she’s doing the same again. What can you do.
I hope your break does you the world of good. We’re hoping to go away soon. For me it’s the fear of the night calls that make me anxious, I’ve lost count of the times I’ve had to go over and call an ambulance. If I’m away I can hand over to my cousin it’s the only time I get a break. Take care.

Katyj- does your mum have a call button that she wears round her neck or as a watch. You can pay to have to enhanced call out where carers actually come out when she presses the button. Mum fall quite often and I can’t lift her, so the care line people come out with a pump up thing that gets her back on her feet. My friends dad had a button and would press it in the night cause he thought he was under attack. Many a night the police came to his house. I always say it’s like watching your mum through a window - she’s waking a tightrope no there’s nothing you can do to stop her falling. But until she falls you can’t go to the next step - care wise. Last time my mum went in hospital I told them I would not collect her until the occupational health team had been out and done as assessment for her safety. Sadly they thought she was ok to be at home that time - they must have low expectations

Thank you for your reply Betty. Mums had an alarm pendant for some years. After she fell last time about 6 months ago and need to go into hospital the occupational therapist recommended a wrist fall alarm, I asked about night cover but because I only live 7 miles away they couldn’t provide it.
The watch isn’t any good as she won’t wear it anyway, she has it on the bedside table, so I need to look into something else, I wouldn’t mind paying for the extra care, it would be a weight off my mind to be honest, we want to start going away much more when we can. My husband is now retired I’m still working part time but need to be fair to him as well, he has a lot to put up with !
Is it very expensive ? I don’t even know if anything exists in my area. I’ll definitely enquire anyway. I certainly wouldn’t be able to pick her up as I have a back condition too. She is in a lot of pain at the moment. ( see my other thread ) so need to get in touch with the Dr and social worker this week. Oh joy

Our mothers are very similar in some ways, my mum wears the pendant but doesn’t use it. When she calls to say she’s fallen again I have to tell her how to push the button. My mum is in a lot of pain with her back and had a heart attack 15 months ago. I really don’t know what is holding her together. My husband is retired too and I work part time. Like your husband he is pretty fed up too. Getting away is the only way of coping. On a monetary note, did you know that if your mum has been diagnosed with dementia that she doesn’t have to pay council tax any more, and I guess she receives attendance allowance ? Thar does help with the costs a bit

Hi Betty. I hope your enjoying your week off and feeling more relaxed. My mum hadn’t been diagnosed with dementia, but I suspect that’s what’s happening. She won’t go to be assessed, says she’s fed up of being looked at and won’t take any more tablets for anything anyway, including her high bp.
I suspect the problems I’m having are more to do with me rather than her, I just need to learn to let things go and not get so wound up, it takes me ages to relax after I’ve visited her.