Mum refusing to let carers take her to bed

I think you will just have to give your mum tough love by telling her if she doesn’t go to her bedroom at 9 then she will have to sleep where she is. Has she given any reason for not wanting to and is she usually stubborn

Could she have a bed downstairs?

A neighbour of ours ended up with a reluctance to go upstairs. We were never able to ascertain why.

But a bed was purchased and put in the living room and all was well.

Have you asked your mother why she did not want to go upstairs?

Carers can vary in the way they treat people.

Did her usual carers arrive or was it different people?

What is the way that your mother physically gets upstairs?

Does she have capacity to make decisions?

If she absolutely refuses, what actually happens? For example in such a circumstance would the carers just go and leave her to it, or would they call an ambulance crew, or what?

How was it resolved last night?

I agree with Barmeyoldbat and get a bed downstairs.

Will she need to go upstairs to the loo and to shower/bathe though?

She has a stairlift to get upstairs. She does have full mental capacity at 94 but the stroke affected her speech. We have a bathroom upstairs and downstairs which are adapted for her use. It's usually the same put to bed carers at 9pm. She did eventually go to bed last night and the carer texted me to say she had. I'm anxious and just waiting for it to happen again as she is very headstrong....

If mum has capacity why does she need putting to bed at 9pm? You say the stroke affected her speech but the lady clearly knows her own mind.

9pm is the latest call the care company do. Its funded through the local authority.

Having mental capacity and having the ability and legal right to make one's own decisions is a separate thing from physical ability to do things and issues of frailty and the like.

Did she say why she refused?

Yes I should emphasise Mum is severely disabled since the stroke and can hardly walk.

Probably refused as she was watching TV and didn't want to be moved!!

What abut the suggestion of a bed downstairs? If you camn fit one, and since there is a bathroom downstairs, that sounds like a really good idea to me.

can you ask for a a different agency that might do later calls.
or ask for direct payments so you/she can find her own private careworkers who will be more flexible.
i don't see why she should have to fit in with some arbitrary early bed time, just for someone else's convenience.
she is not a toddler. nor a prisoner. she makes her own decisions. should be able to live according to her own wishes.
though i know in practice, with disability, that can be difficult.

Sadly the need to fit in with carers schedules is universal. I don’t have an answer debs other than trying to get her to explain what she is thinking and feeling. I appreciate this will take time to understand. I’m wondering how much she sleeps. Could it be that at 9pm the thought of hours of wakefulness is worrying and scary? Especially if she isn’t able to move around once in bed. Perhaps it’s trying to assert some control or finding being in bed uncomfortable. It is hard for you, I hope your Mum either comes to terms with her bed time quickly or a solution can be found.

can't she sleep downstairs.

could she sleep in a riser/recliner, or does she need a bed with sides.

We have tried the route of a separate private put to bed service but given the huge shortage of care workers no one wants to take on just a once a day put to bed service and we can't afford for all her care to be privately funded.

It makes sense what Zoejory wrote.

debs4409

Probably refused as she was watching TV and didn't want to be moved!!

Was she watching something on television and was simply wanting to wait until the programme had finished and objected to being told 'no' in her own home?

Then again the carers may need to go elsewhere and they do have their own off-duty lives to lead.

So moving might miss a chunk of the programme even though there is a television upstairs.

Is there some way of having a solid state television recording system and being able to easily access it from two different places in the same house? Would that solve the problem?

Maybe a bed downstairs is the best answer , or a tv upstairs maybe she doesn’t want to sleep at 9 pm could you turn her bedroom into a bed sit so she can have a tv or radio etc and a comfy chair
Presuming she’s ok to get to bathroom in the night so could she get into bed herself if she was taken up the stairs and helped to undress into a housecoat Then she could watch her programmes and get into bed when ready herself

If you can ascertain what the issue is it may be easy to resolve.
If it's the TV programme, could you/the carers help her watch it once in bed or, say, following day on catch-up for instance

Is it maybe one the carers shes taken umbrage with? Or is there a night shift of carers anywhere, maybe private, who could perhaps call at a later time? Or if you or a family member have transport could you pop round yourselves later than 9pm to help her to bed instead?(at least some nights a week?)Or as others have said, put a bed downstairs for her? (Could put some furniture from lounge into bedroom out of way) Or could there be way of hiring a home help or au pair of some type who could live in to help at night.?Or ask her if its her surroundings that are the problem? Could she be happier if its decorated to her choice etc? Might make her not mind about spending so long up there, maybe its depressing.??

She might just be fed up and feels like she's being treated like a little kid being 'sent' to bed at 9- i think I'd object too tbh.