What arrangements should we put in place for old age

GrannyTracey

Kali2
No regrets at all, it added some lovely times to my precious memories I have of my mum & gave me quality time with her that I would never have had

I totally agree with you Granny Tracy. My 2 siblings turned their backs on the situation but I'm so glad I didn't. I had difficult times but have peacefull memories of her now.

Having watched three elderly relatives (my mother, and my parents in law) grow older and older, and become more and more disabled, I have no desire to make my children do what we, and my husband’s brothers , have had to do. We are 68 and 69, and facing going into our 70s, still looking after three currently 94 year olds. My husband’s parents refuse to go into a home, and only have one carer visit a day, relying instead on their sons who shop, cook, wash laundry, take them to medical appointments, in fact do everything for them. My own mother is currently in a nursing home following her third fall and hospitalisation in six months. She had decided to stay there, but is now thinking she’ll go back to her flat. When I heard that I started to panic as she is very disabled in that she can’t care for herself in any meaningful way. She thinks because she can walk two metres to the toilet with her walker that she is now ready to go home. She refused to pay for more than one care visit a day when she lived at home. She is totally dependent for everything, shopping, cooking, laundry, personal care, care of her weeping leg, care for her bedsore on her back. Everything! I’m really, really spacking out at the thought of her going back to the flat and everything we’ll have to do again. I simply don’t want it. She wasn’t the best mother as we grew up and I’m fed up of being the best daughter to her now. I want it all to end, and apologies if that offends anyone. I’m looking at us both being in our 70s and still looking after the old.

Allsorts, there is a theory that making 'sensible' adjustments for old age is unwise - and hastens decline. Lack of daily exercise, such as climbing the stairs, cutting the hedge or walking to the shops is quite a factor in losing muscle strength. Without good muscles, bones deteriorate rapidly.

The average length of stay in a care home (where everything is done for you) is just two years - before you die. Those who manage to stay at home survive far longer.

That's interesting Hetty58. I'm in the process of trying not to become a burden to my sons. I'm still reasonably capable of looking after myself but it's getting harder. I don't want to go in to a 'home' just yet though. I have wondered if the sheer effort of looking after myself is probably good for me, - and your comment confirms it. So I'll stay here!

henetha drawing on my experience with our elderly parents, I would say try to stay in your home and be as independent as you can, for as long as you can. It’s good for you as Hetty says. The trick is to recognise when you need help and organise it yourself. If the time comes when you are as disabled as my mother, recognise that and act upon it, that’s the clever trick. My mother doesn’t see that she needs so much help, and doesn’t regard what we were doing before she went into the nursing home as unreasonable.

Thanks Maddyone. This is weighing heavily on my mind lately as I'm 84, but in good health for my age apart from an arthritic spine. I can still do almost everything for myself.
(I could do with a cleaner though!), I now realise that I am very lucky and am going to hang on here for as long as I can, - and, like you say, recognise when I need to organise help.

Heartfelt stories here! Tips (I think) declutter the house, have had friends who have really struggled with their parents homes. Do power of attorney/wills. Also I am sorting Advance Direction (was the old Living Will). We moved to village with regular buses, LOTS of amenities and access to everything we may need in the (hopefully distant) future.

My brother has died unexpectedly and clearing his home is a real hassle. So i recommend an annual clearout if not more regularly

My mother had a stroke unexpectedly and was left a vegetable. I knew she hated that and would have given her consent to end of life if it was allowed in the UK. The care system is overburdened and short staffed. So please tell me why people can't have the choice to die with dignity rather than suffer for years?

Watching my maternal grandmother and my mother pass after horrific bouts of dementia we have plans in place. Their ends were ....horrible for them and us. They were both very capable physically and violent . Fortunately quite small women both of them .
Our place is geared for mobility issues
We live in an inner city suburb and everything is within walking distance .
If I become very infirmed with dementia I am to go into a home and no one is required to visit me at all.
I have passed those requirements on quite clearly to my husband and son and they are quite aware I am admant now about this
Prepping for elderly impairment ...I am glad to do.
Having said all that we enjoy our life but...it does give me some comfort if dementia does come to me
Pools are open again whoohoo in my area so back to pool lap walking tomorrow

Some good advice here. We moved to our new modern, spacious bungalow five years ago to be nearer family as I was struggling to cope on my own with my dh, who had vascular dementia, heart failure and Parkinsons. He died two years ago. Before he died, the arrangement we had was that if either of us were on their own and needed care, my brother and his wife would move in (they have their own property which they would rent out) and in return they would inherit the bungalow. Since I have been on my own, I am very independent and have decided I want to stay that way as long as possible, then maybe I will consider warden controlled accommodation, or even a care home. My sil is currently looking after her 95 year old father, and I think she should not have to look after me as well when the time comes, if ever! My only son lives in Australia.

My sister is at now 81 and after 2 strokes is living at home with her husband and daughter caring for her with some care visits each day. Her daughter still works full time. It is so hard for them all, my sister can`t walk and is so demanding. She really should be in a home , she screams in the night and throws things around, verbally abuses them too. I have told my sons get me in a home and get on with your life if I end up like that.
Other than that I think de clutter as much as possible, organize the paper work and try and not be lonely.

Monica..
I think the main thing is to maintain an open state of mind, being prepared to accept the changes mental and physical that may overcome you and to accept the changes in your life that may be necessary.

easier said than done, that is what I am battling with,, tell me how do do this,, please!

I looked after both my parents. My DF was almost 100 when he died of Covid. My DM is now in care. She too got Covid months later but started with dementia hence now being in a Care Home. I pay almost £4,000 per month for her care. Her savings are almost depleted and I’m now faced with selling her house. I am 75 and my DM is 101. No planning for my parents future was put in place they dismissed any talk of it. I have had an extremely stressful time sorting everything out. I just wished they had listened when I asked them to let me help them sort things. My DH is 80 and believe me it’s stressful and I know it’s taken a toll on our health. My view is organise as much as you can while you are able too.

Agree with posts above about Powers of Attorney being first step - and yes, you need both 1) Health and Welfare and 2) Property and Affairs. However, I would urge you to activate them immediately. Otherwise, you can find it takes many weeks to come into force, and that is valuable time in which your chosen Attorneys (usually spouse or children) are powerless to act. If you have a stroke, COVID, or even if you just break a leg, you may need them to act on your behalf. They must act in your best interests, and be able to show a court that they are doing so. Second thing is do an Advance Decision to accept/refuse treatment. You can get these online and download them. Thirdly, consider moving to where you are within walking distance of shops, doctors, pharmacy, buses etc. For 'the Legals', best to appoint a solicitor with special qualifications in the affairs of the elderly (I know, not a very diplomatic title!) to advise on legal matters - worth paying for it. Doing these things will give you peace of mind and allow you to enjoy living for years to come.

Twig14 you have my every sympathy. I know how hard it is looking after an aged parent who will not acknowledge that they cannot any longer do the things they once could do. It is sooo stressful and takes a terrible toll on your health. Mental health in my case. I dread the future because I don’t know when it will end. You probably do too. I’m not as old as you are, but I still get very stressed with it all. After a nice ten days in Greece, I came home feeling relaxed. Mother is in a nursing home so no worries. So what did she say on my first post holiday visit, she’s thinking of going back to her flat. She can’t manage without substantial help from us, so I would rather she stays put in the nursing home. My daughter asked if she’s saying that to punish us for going on holiday. It wouldn’t surprise me since after our week in Somerset earlier this summer she wouldn’t speak to me. I don’t need this at this time in my life, and I’m sure you don’t either Twig.

We moved to a 3 bed/2 bathroom bungalow. It had been updated by a builder so is all new and very modern. It is the best move we could have made. There is good access to all the facilities even if in a wheelchair, spare room for a carer if necessary. Lovely south/west garden. We were in our 70's when we moved and found it traumatic so I recommend doing it a bit earlier if possible. My mum in law is 95 and still at home and looks after herself so not everyone needs help when they get older.

I agree absolutely with Lucca and AGAA4 that decluttering is essential. It is heart-breaking for children to deal with parents and relative's treasures after death. It also means if you do downsize it makes life easier. I keep telling my children where all the documents are, wills etc. but they never seem to take this on board. So just do your best.
I also would not refuse to go into care as my parent and DH parent refused and it made out lives very difficult. Also put names and dates on photographs.

i am 58, i was widowed at 39 so it was just me and my son, i have had cancer twice in 3 years (came out of hospital yesterday), my son knows that if i can't care for myself then i go to a care home, i have no money as i have been on benefits for 10 years due to other health problems, he has money set aside for a cremation with no funeral service, i have been honest with my son the same as my husband and i were, i had to turn off the life support for him as it was what he wanted. all the paperwork for things regarding the house is all in a folder if he needs it. some people will think 58 is too young to sort this out but my husband was 57 when he died,

I bought a bungalow that needed renovated so I made sure that everything I did will help me as I get older. I think my gardens might be s problem, but hopefully I can pay someone to sort them out. I am praying I will manage on my own as I really don't want to go into a care home.
I live alone, there is actually only myself and my sister left in the family and she's on her own too. My sis and a close friend have been told where I keep my will, which is very important to have done, as I've seen the trouble it causes if you don't and another has been made my executor. I have detailed in writing my funeral arrangements and wishes.

foxie48

We have completed powers of attorney and recently moved from having our own bank accounts to making them joint. OH does most of the financial planning because basically I'm idle but I know how to access the information I need to deal with our finances if God forbid he goes before me. We've talked about what we would wish should we have a catastrophic stroke or injury etc and our daughter, who is a doctor also knows. OH is keen to downsize but I love our house and actually should one of us become disabled in some way, we have a downstairs bedroom and bathroom should that be needed.
tbh It's difficult to cover all bases but we talk very frankly about the future and how our needs might change, not just with each other but also with our daughter.

Well done you foxie48! My husband and I have discussed end of life wishes and I am currently in the process of writing a letter to my executors, one of whom is my husband, to put them (end of life and burial wishes) all in black and white, and the solicitors can keep that letter with my will. Husband plans to do the same soon. We have no children, but one of our nieces has agreed to be my second executor if my husband dies before me and I plan to ensure she gets a copy of the letter shortly. Husband is almost 75 and I am 6, and he manages our savings well. I would like to downsize at some point, but we love where we live so not yet. All the best to you anyway.

…whoops! 61 I meant. i was sure I put the 1 in there, what happened?!?

Hi ladies, I am a first time poster but wanted to comment on this thread.
I am my Mother-in-law's carer. She has many health problems, ie losing her eye sight, arthritis and last Christmas was diagnosed with mixed Dementia. I could see for a couple of years she was getting very forgetful, leaving food to boil and generally not herself. When my MiL was finally diagnosed it was a relief.
We moved from London to a beautiful village in Kent 10 years ago and at the time the decision was we would like her to move with us thinking ahead. My MIL lives next door in a bungalow and it is working well. She is happy but the ever day chores like washing clothes, cooking, cleaning, general hygiene with showering etc is down to me. The bills, general maintenance, gardening is down to my husband.
I have three children and my youngest is 10. I am 50 and find it works out well for us as a family unit but it doesn't work for all. We lived with my MIL for a while when my oldest was a baby because of buying a home. My FIL died over 20 years ago and my husband promised his Father he would look after his mum. I have a SIL but she lived in Newcastle and has a stressful job so the care is down to us.
It is hard work at times especially juggling school runs with hospital appointments but it is what it is. My children adore their nanny and she adores them.
I wouldn't say people are selfish with looking after elderly relatives because of everyone's situation is different. Some people have families at home, working full time etc. I work as a carer when my youngest started school but now only work 1 day a week as I love it so much. I do think ahead sometimes and worry if my MIL Dementia will get worse but then I have to take one day at a time and we will dealt with the situation if needed. I have to be careful with shopping as I left a big bag of multi pack of crisps on the side and forgot to bring then next door to my house. By the time I remembered, she had eaten 6 packs in one afternoon. We do laugh sometimes with the going ones. We have too.
My own parents are also poorly but luckily for me my sister and brother are hands on so we generally all help out together. I think if you have support within your family unit then if does make a difference but not everyone has that support so it makes everything alot harder. Sorry for long post.

Get the Power of Attorney sorted as soon as you can! My DH and I did this a couple of years ago and I never dreamt I'd have to use them so soon. OH has Dementia, two types of cancer, one of which can no longer be treated and after a spell in hospital with neutropaena was admitted to a nursing home where he still is. I've used the PoA for Financial Affairs to access the money in his name to help fund his stay there. There is no way I could look after him at home, it was becoming increasingly difficult before his spell in hospital and it would be even more difficult now as his needs have increased dramatically.
We were planning to move nearer family earlier this year but the sale fell through, which in hindsight was probably a good thing. So quite a bit of decluttering took place then. I am still being ruthless about unused/unwanted items and they go out when I come across them.
I really don't think we can plan too much for the future as you just don't know what is going to happen and how you are going to react. But get anything legal done while you're still of a sane mind!
DH seems settled in the home and has round the clock care for all his needs. Has told me more than once that he really doesn't want me to take him to the toilet!

My mum has had to go into care following a fall and dementia diagnosis. I'm an only (67 year old!) child and luckily have LPA and am Tenants in Common on mum's bungalow. This has enabled me to access her bank account online and deal with care home fees and get her property ready for rent ( skip hire, decorators, Gas and electric reports etc etc). However, the admin is still proving stressful, dealing with HMRC, DWP and other pensions so that her mail is redirected to my address.Having an LPA in place is essential

Definitely set up powers of attorney. It's been a godsend to us whilst dealing with elderly parents suddenly getting ill