What arrangements should we put in place for old age

Reading all this lot about people who have done the ‘right thing’ is quite depressing. Not even really sure where my cheque book is!!

I have read this thread with great interest. I am alone and have been since 2009 when my husband died. My children live in UK, Australia and St. Lucia. My Australian son nursed his wife for years before she died, He is having a ball driving all over the most deserted part of the country taking photos of birds. My daughter, who is the eldest chid is now 68 and still working. That leaves the son in St Lucia, aged 59 next month, single and with a very large house. I already spend the winters there and over the Pandemic I spent almost two years before coming back to London. I am now deciding what to do. I do not like living alone. I do have about 4 friends in London but no family. The children are in constant touch with me and I will go back to St Lucia in November after I have seen the cardiologist and had a cystoscopy and had my cataracts removed. Currently i am shredding old private papers, filling 4 barrels of all sorts of stuff to send to St Lucia and then the family thinks I should sell this flat plus car space and store room and live permanently in St Lucia. I do agree but I feel a bit uneasy cutting off my home here, but I know I am getting old and less confident than I was. My younger son has always accepted that he will have me living there and it works out well. I don't impede on his social life and we have space enough to leave each other alone. I adopted two old dogs after our 5 Jack Russells died and I do miss the old dogs dreadfully. I have made two children powers of attorney and the St Lucia son is the executor of my will. For my age and health condition I feel well but a bit shaky as my legs feel jelly like and getting old makes you think of the future. I miss my husband dreadfully even after all these years. I kind of know I cannot live alone much longer. I cannot read my meters, my hands are not strong enough to open jars and bottles and today I started out to see the Cardio ( known his office for years) and actually went to the wrong place, rang his secretary and found out i had gone on the wrong date although today was on my calendar! I am not complaining. I know I am lucky to have children who care for me, but making large decisions is difficult and throwing away what is really detritus is hard after 36 years in the one flat. It is scary. has anyone else felt fearful when they decide to pack up, sell and move elsewhere? I would value your experience and advice,

What you say is correct - however, if you want equity release which we are planning to do, they do not accept Tenants in Common, they require either single ownership or joint ownership. If you do it with Tenants in Common, the equity release will be based on one person only and if they are the first of the couple to die, then the house will need to be sold as the equity release mortgage then becomes due.

... this is one of the best threads I've ever seen on GN... informative and helpful.

I've learned a lot from others telling their stories and am going to give some thought to what people have said.

Thank you everyone for your contribution. You have given me the motivation to get things 'sorted'.

I have thought about this due to loosing DH it brings home your vunlerability if you have any health issues. As i have had a couple of nasty trips, one when coming down stairs i decided that i would sign up to our local Careline. They have issued me with a pendant and it detects falls if you have one. I feel safer since having this. I also contacted SS and they have fitted grab rails in my bathroom, outside my back door which has a high step ...difficult to get out and back inagain... they really help. They also fitted a rail beside the steps of my front door so i feel safer going in and out. My have a keysafe by my back door too and all my family have the code to open it if necessary to gain access to the house. I have made my will, paid for my funeral and i will go in the plot i recently purchased for my husbands ashes. I am slowly clearing out cupboards and rooms of items not really needed or necessary. Today a new shed base has been completed in my garden and a new shed will arrive in Nov. This is so the current shed can be cleared of anything not required any longer. All my husband's tools... and he had many.... will go to the children if they want them if not i will try to sell or give away free on Market place. I will keep what i think i need. I know i have no need for grinders, sanders and drills i can not use them anyway. It will be a sad process as my DH aquired them over several years. Goodness knows what else is in there as he was a bit of a hoarder so that will be my project through the winter months. Then the old shed will be dismantled and got rid of and either a paved area or turf will be laid in it's place, My children will be told that i want carers if and when the time happens and i will do on line shopping if i cant get out and if i cant do that they will have to get my shopping or order it for me. I am reluctant to have a DNR because if god forbid i had a stroke i know there is an injection if given in time can reverse it, if i had a DNR would that not happen? I need to think about that really carefully.

I am 69 Dh slightly younger. We bought our present house six years ago, assuming we could live here for the rest of our lives.

Now, I sometimes wonder whether that will be possible.

DHs health is not exactly deteriorating, but although no doctor can find anything wrong, he is not as active nor as strong as formerly.

I am doing more and more, and frankly have started wondering if in five or ten years time I will be able to continue.

However, I can live with the garden turning into a wilderness, as we can't afford help with it, and no-one is offering to help without payment - after all, why should they?

I assume when one of us dies the other will sell this house and find something smaller and easier to run. That at least is what we talked about a couple of years ago.

I try not to bother too much about the future - none of us know how long it will be.

My sister worried about how she would manage on the her pension and if she could afford to put money aside to supplement it, then died at 60 - nine years before she would have qualified for her pension!

Not perhaps the greatest of consolations, I know.

I think it is really important to downsize whilst you're still able to manage it. We did this last year, DH is 75 and I am almost 70. We still haven't finished the decluttering but it is easier (and essential) to do this when you are living in a smaller place.
We're still able to sort out the renovations which we intend to undertake and, whilst we do have stairs, we could live on one level if necessary.
Our outside maintenance and heating is undertaken by the estate management company so all we have to do is maintain the inside.

We haven't moved to our final home yet but moved some years ago on retirement. After living in a country village my main requirements would be as a lot of the ones other people have mentioned.
Walking access to shops, newsagents, post office, Dr's,Dentist, hairdressers pharmacists and if possible solicitors. Some clubs or WI all in walking distance.
Also, good public transport links if your family are not near you and you do not want to drive. We have non of these and while we drive it is not a problem but might be in the future.
I would also be looking for accommodation all on one level or the possibility of living downstairs and blocking the top level that we could maintain with the help of a cleaner if needed.
We love our house and are not looking to move yet but Covid has highlighted what we might need in the future.

I'm 69, just lost my husband in February to Covid-19 I'm going to try and stay as independent as possible for as long as possible. I've told my three daughters to use my money to pay for residential care if I'm unable to look after myself. Especially if I have dementia. I might downsize to a Retirement property in 5 or 6 years if I'm still active.

KittyLester we have joint current accounts but not savings accounts. I think the issue of whether it is better to have joint ownership of the house or to be tenants in common depends on a number of things and isn't necessarily straightforward. I think it's important to point out that a lot of decisions will depend on the financial situation that someone is in and whether they are on their own or married and what is their potential exposure to inheritance tax should one of the spouses die.

travelsafar you and others, may find this useful.
compassionindying.org.uk/making-decisions-and-planning-your-care/planning-ahead/dnar-forms/

maddyone

Having watched three elderly relatives (my mother, and my parents in law) grow older and older, and become more and more disabled, I have no desire to make my children do what we, and my husband’s brothers , have had to do. We are 68 and 69, and facing going into our 70s, still looking after three currently 94 year olds. My husband’s parents refuse to go into a home, and only have one carer visit a day, relying instead on their sons who shop, cook, wash laundry, take them to medical appointments, in fact do everything for them. My own mother is currently in a nursing home following her third fall and hospitalisation in six months. She had decided to stay there, but is now thinking she’ll go back to her flat. When I heard that I started to panic as she is very disabled in that she can’t care for herself in any meaningful way. She thinks because she can walk two metres to the toilet with her walker that she is now ready to go home. She refused to pay for more than one care visit a day when she lived at home. She is totally dependent for everything, shopping, cooking, laundry, personal care, care of her weeping leg, care for her bedsore on her back. Everything! I’m really, really spacking out at the thought of her going back to the flat and everything we’ll have to do again. I simply don’t want it. She wasn’t the best mother as we grew up and I’m fed up of being the best daughter to her now. I want it all to end, and apologies if that offends anyone. I’m looking at us both being in our 70s and still looking after the old.

No need to apologise for wanting your life back darling. The olds of our parents' generation can be incredibly selfish, feeling somehow that we "owe" them? All very Victorian but I guess that's their parents' attitude and actual generation too, hopefully that sort of attitude will float away with them, I know I wouldn't want to burden my 2 DS although neither are speaking to me at the mo! Maybe when their dreadful partners have buggered off I may get them back!?

Once a financial assessment is to be carried out and joint accounts exist,best to separate them. Pensions and any other personal income should be separated too. State retirement pension is taken into account for assessment, but only half of occupational/private pension the 50% being left for the partner. That 50% should be transferred to the partners account eg monthly. As for property, when jointly or owned by the person going into care as long as the person eg partner, long term carer is over 60 years of age the property is disregarded.physical disability may be easier to provide for, mental deterioration though is difficult, doesn't matter if you are in a bungalow or 3 storey house very different needs for care and likely to require a care home.

Maddyone
No need to apologise. I think you take on the situation is refreshingly honest.
I’m afraid I’ve come across too many old/ elderly people who use the old card as an excuse to be rude/ cantankerous/ bloody minded.
A while ago I was a Friend/ visitor for Age Uk I’ve met an awful lot of older people with this attitude.
It’s almost a subject that can’t be discussed.

My preparations for old age boil down to one important thing- the best health I can manage. I saw my parents’ sad decline through a lack of personally caring for their health over the years, whilst knowing certain conditions were common in their families. My father’s family had strokes/high blood pressure/ heart problems compounded by the fact his parents were first cousins. His father died of a stroke, so did his elder brother. His mother and elder sister suffered from vascular dementia. My father ate (never drank/smoked) to excess all his life. At 5’7” he weighed 20 stone most of the time. He had high blood pressure/high cholesterol/ heart disease. He began to suffer from vascular dementia in his late sixties and his slow decline was heartbreaking to watch, particularly as dementia was not readily diagnosed in those days and his treatment was poor to say the least. My mother also had similar heart problems/ high everything and suffered a TIA (wouldn’t do rehab offered after it) and also overate and always enjoyed her (frequent) tipples! She also had breast cancer. Her lack of interest in altering her lifestyle meant she had awful digestive problems, heart disease and became immobile and doubly incontinent, as well as very unhappy and depressed. I don’t want to be like that! However much money I do or don’t have, however well and sensibly I plan, all is nothing without my health and I cherish, look after and nurture it everyday in whatever way I can.

My husband and I moved this year to the North of Scotland for health reasons. We were already living in a bungalow before we moved and have the same type of home now. We have Funeral Plans in place, Wills and LPA's. I keep trying to de-clutter (it's against my natural inclinations) and have photographed the items left in our Wills, so that the Solicitor will be able to identify which items go to whom.

We have a wonderful sea view, which is something we always wanted, but because of our need to be so far north - sadly, many facilities such as shops etc. are some distance away.

Neither of us would want to go to a care home, and there is no-one with whom we could reasonably live. We will make our own arrangements, should circumstances dictate it. Other than that, we feel that we have put in place all that it seems reasonable to do.

We had six of them to care for , the last is still alive at 96 living on 18/acres, alone in a house that is rotting, None of them made any provision for their old age, downsized or de cluttered.
The stress of their behaviour nearly killed us.
So what did we learn? We downsized, de cluttered and have made our present small house, old age proof, with wet room and grips.
We moved to live near 2 of the children, we discuss finances with them and they have POA. We have to trust them.
When the other old folks died, my children would not take a thing belonging to them. We spent months clearing up.
I don’t want to put my children what we went through, with the 6 people who just didn’t believe they would ever get old and helpless.
I did love them, but it wore thin.

Declutter downsize move to somewhere where facilities like GP shops library etc are a short distance away for when you no longer drive Arrange power of attorney discuss your wishes for the future especially end of life and funeral Then go and spend your money and live life to the full while you can !

Lots of good advice on this thread. Yes we have a keysafe for my mother and it is linked to emergency services in that the Alert bracelet people will pass on the code. It is also there for regular carers and district nurse if needed. We have one of our own now and good for the times the door slams and we get locked out. Another nice thing to have done is a 'letter of wishes' to be left with your will. This is informal and can be added to /changed whenever with no need for witnesses. It can be a useful guide for your executor as to how to distribute favourite possessions or even may include how you wish your funeral to be carried out and what to be done with ashes.

I think as well as all the very sensible ‘practical’ arrangements, it is a good idea to have a good, honest chat with those who may feel they will have to take on the responsibility for your future care to clarify exactly what you expect/don’t expect them to do. I am in my seventies, my parents in their mid-nineties. They always said they never wanted to be a burden on us ‘children’ and pride themselves on the fact they have never asked us for support. How come, then, that we feel totally worn down and our retirement is not our own - although theirs was. They live at home with support they don’t ask for but are a full-time responsibility for us. When the phone rings and someone says ‘Mum’s fallen over again and broken her arm’ or ‘Dad has to go to hospital, shall we ring a taxi?’ how can you not respond? Ok, sure, they don’t actually ‘ask’ but we are helpless to refuse. I totally feel we have no life if our own and I want my children to be able to say ‘we’ve done enough’ when the time comes. I love my parents dearly but I am worn out, my retirement is passing by, we are no longer as healthy as we were. My parents never did this for their parents but, as they say, they have never asked for anything from us. Bitter? Moi?

I just want to say how helpful this thread is for those of us contemplating the future. I am learning that many of us have the same ideas and problems.

maddyone

Having watched three elderly relatives (my mother, and my parents in law) grow older and older, and become more and more disabled, I have no desire to make my children do what we, and my husband’s brothers , have had to do. We are 68 and 69, and facing going into our 70s, still looking after three currently 94 year olds. My husband’s parents refuse to go into a home, and only have one carer visit a day, relying instead on their sons who shop, cook, wash laundry, take them to medical appointments, in fact do everything for them. My own mother is currently in a nursing home following her third fall and hospitalisation in six months. She had decided to stay there, but is now thinking she’ll go back to her flat. When I heard that I started to panic as she is very disabled in that she can’t care for herself in any meaningful way. She thinks because she can walk two metres to the toilet with her walker that she is now ready to go home. She refused to pay for more than one care visit a day when she lived at home. She is totally dependent for everything, shopping, cooking, laundry, personal care, care of her weeping leg, care for her bedsore on her back. Everything! I’m really, really spacking out at the thought of her going back to the flat and everything we’ll have to do again. I simply don’t want it. She wasn’t the best mother as we grew up and I’m fed up of being the best daughter to her now. I want it all to end, and apologies if that offends anyone. I’m looking at us both being in our 70s and still looking after the old.

You shouldn't feel guilty, you have your later years to enjoy as well. Why shouldn't you be planning for a happy relaxing retirement.
You didn't get the best upbringing so why should you martyr yourself now. Stick to what you feel and make it known that you are not willing to be a carer.

My mum was tricked to sell her house way to early even though she needed a couple of repairs by my bullying brother and an estate agent who sold her house way to cheaply .I had owed of attorney as she did not want my brother and his wife to have it .She lived with us for a few years but developed dementia and started hitting the children so she went into a care home which ate up all her money The house was to be shared between us Even the stuff mum had written on the back of stuff got contested by my niece whose a solicitor .Her letter was appalling and bullying and Citizens Advice said she had no legal claim ,I do not want to go into a home my mother deteriorated badly once in there mentally

You are right Foxy. It is not always necessary to Cheney the ownership on the house and the house has a lower rate of inheritance tax.
We have a big house we are loathe to leave and have decided we will have live in carers if necessary as we have the space.
We are near to public transport and not too far from 3 hospitals.
We are also in a town with all amenities.

I moved back to the UK after 21 years of living in rural France (and before that, Menorca)....we bought a large house which my husband did up ......then moved to a shell of a new bungalow which again, he finished ....he loved working '1 then he got Parkinson's disease and hated that he could no longer drive and I did all the driving (no transport whatever where we lived !) so, when he died in 2019 I decided reluctantly to move back to the UK ....next question ...to where ?! I would have LOVED A retirement village but all of those in the UK were totally beyond my means .....(in France there are retirement villages with little bungalows that are AFFORDABLE !) but with BREXIT and having to apply for permanent residence etc and having to have an acceptable level of income to live there, I decided it was less hassle to move back. I bought quite an old ex mcCarthy & Stone retirement flat (hate the flat but LOVE the position ...ne minute from the beach, busses, taxis, tram system and even an airport and a ferry ! But now I am getting old I have spent as much time as I can (before covid AND as soon as I was 'let out' !) travelling which is the purpose for buying the flat ...not having to get someone to look after my house only snag is I cannot have a cat which I would love. I have a POA and a Will in place, and am a member of Dignity in Dying and also contemplating Dignitas (only thing there is you have to pay in excess of £12,000 up front, go for psychiatric reviews and doctors appt in Switzerland, AND THE BIGGEST snag is your usual doctor has to agree ..........my doctor (not that I have a named one here in the UK, unlike in France !) does noteven agree to me having a DNAR notice on my medical records.........big snag ! there is currently a Bill before parliament to adopt assisted dying (well, let's face it, the UK government has been practiscing it quietly for years...and even more so throughout the COVID pandemic ....ok, they are old, let's get rid of them and save money ...we won't pay for care (the new suggestion, STILL two years away, is supposed to look good in allowing one to keep £86,000 BUT this does NOT include accommodation charges in a care home which as we all know, can be around £4,000 a month and not many of us can afford that ! SO my advice would be to decide firstly where you want to live and what will be affordable long term should you ever need care .....somewhere where if you get too ancient to drive, you have local access to services and medical treatment should you need it. and get a PoA (I have 2, one Financial and one for health in which I have specified no treatment if I become ill)...and meanwhile, I am spending as much as I can on travel .........think carefully ! good luck