KatyJ I’ve only just found your thread that you mentioned on my thread. I think you’re my sister because we seem to have the same mother! I know how difficult and draining it is to have an elderly parent who sees you as her main lifeline. You feel so responsible but at the same time resentful that so much is expected of you, and in your case, you’re still working as well. Guilt is the feeling that drives us, we feel guilty that we don’t do enough, and yet we are doing as much as we can. I know exactly what you mean about being a carer. I wonder if your mother was ever a carer? Chances are that she wasn’t. My mother’s own mother died when my mother was 56 and she had spent the last six years either in hospital or in a care home, so my mother never had these kind of responsibilities. Mum also had two siblings to help with everything, visiting and anything that had to be done. I’m like you, I might as well be an only child because my only sister lives 250 miles away and suffers from mental health difficulties. Anyway she has no more intention of helping with anything to do with Mum than a banana has. It’s down to me, just like you Katy, but my husband is incredibly helpful and supportive. You don’t mention a partner so maybe you are dealing with all this alone, which would make things more difficult for you.
Katy you don’t go on a bit, you need support because you’re dealing with such an incredibly difficult situation, and you need to talk about it. Sometimes just talking about it can help, and as you won’t want to burden your children with this, Gransnet is an ideal forum for getting a little support.
Strangely my mother regularly has a ‘funny head’ and declares that she’s ill. Yesterday she said that very thing and was in bed when I visited her in her nursing home in the afternoon. Whatever you do, don’t stop her carers because they don’t only look after her, they are a bit of company for her too. They will know if she’s really ill and let you know. I was on call 24/7 when my mother lived in her sheltered apartment, and it does cause great stress knowing the call could come at any moment. And did, several times. You have to stop whatever you’re doing and go immediately, and then usually wait for the ambulance to arrive, which can be quite a while. Once the call came when we were looking after our daughter’s three children, but as there were two of us, my husband went, I continued the childcare. If you’re alone, that could be extremely difficult for you.
I’m sorry, I’ve warbled on and the only advice I can give you is that which was given to me by other Gransnetters. That is don’t go every day, try to keep a life of your own. You are not responsible for your mother’s happiness (difficult one) and since she has lived to a great age, she has to accept the loss of many things she enjoyed when she was younger and more able. I know they don’t want to do this, but they must. It’s a fact of life.
Good luck 
