Mums lonely

Katyj you are doing your very best for your mum even though it doesn’t ever feel like it to you as still your mum complains.
When MIL was that age and no longer went out DH arranged for Carers to help with personal care, medication and getting ready for bed, a weekly hairdresser, ready meals deliveries regularly, a foot-care lady, and best of all a cleaner twice a week.
He visited several times a week too. We were both working.
The cleaning lady was a gem and she became a friend. DH said to her that if DM wants to talk, sit and talk with her, turn the radio or TV on, or run an errand for her. Her role as it were, was not to be constantly cleaning as the flat did not need it.
The cleaner was young and had a school age daughter and in the school holidays she took her to visit MIL. They sat and crayoned together !
MIL would have said she had a lonely life but as others have said there is only so much you can do. Take care Katyj ?

Sorry, that was a long post!

My mother who died a few years ago in her 90s, used to talk about being made, by her parents, to visit her grandmother every week for afternoon tea. Obviously this was with her parents as a small child, but I think she went on her own later. Your mother, KatyJ is a similar generation, and possibly could have expectations that her grandchildren and great-grandchildren would do this for her.

Thank you Tilly and Chardy you both have good insight into my predicament. I visit 2/3 times a week, do her shopping, household bills hospital appointments etc , I’m 64 still work part time and have young grandchildren, but of course this is still not enough, dh helps were he can with her too, as well as supporting me.
Your right about mums grandchildren, she does expect them to visit, and bring her dgc with them, but as we all know they are all working full time and barely have any family time for themselves, never mind anything else. Mum has a cleaner, but doesn’t really get on with her, or her neighbours anymore come to that.
Loneliness is a real problem these days isn’t it, but she’s very lucky to have visitors everyday, but it’s family that she really wants around all the time, and as I’m an only one there’s only so much I can do.

Katyj, when I read this, I immediately thought:

'Time for residential care?'

(sorry, folks, but nobody should have to sacrifice their life/free time/peace of mind for another - whatever their age - should they?)

Hetty. I agree with you, I really wish mum would go into care, I’m sure she would benefit from the company, and having her meals made too. She eats very little, but when something is made for her, eats a small portion but at least eats it. She won’t consider ready meals, says their tasteless, I’ve taken my meals over for her, but she wasn’t eating them and I found them still in the fridge days later. She has very little appetite s frequently feels sick.
There are no solutions at the moment, she’s refusing to move anywhere. But as you say I’m very unhappy and have no peace of mind. I can’t switch off, I’m awake half the night wondering if she’s going to press her alarm, it’s taking its toll ?

Katyj - I’m an only child too, so completely understand how you feel. Fortunately for me my 87 yr old mum is very undemanding, and understands how busy her grandchildren and great grandchildren are, as do I!
She has an alarm that’s linked to an outside company, have you considered this? Worth a try.

Hi soropitmum. Do you mean an alarm run by a private company. My mums is wrist falls alarm,if she falls it goes off ,or if she presses it someone comes through the phone line to ask what the problem is, then if needed they phone me, if I’m on holiday I have to find someone that will take over.

I am returning to your thread Katyj
I apologise if someone has already mentioned the following, despite reading all replies, i cant remember them all ... sorry.

My mum had a better social life than me haha, she attended various events that were run at the village hall, lunch club on a Tuesday and seniors on a Thursday, then she attended various events run by her church. Does your mum go to church? They run an awful lot of interesting things for the elderly.

Also, i believe 1 factor that lifts the spirits is where they live, i will explain. My mum lived in a house in the village that is situated on the main road, so it was a constant stream of cars, walkers, joggers, cyclists, horse riders, literally the outside world passing by and she used to say to me "I am as content as content." I realise you can't uproot your mum to somewhere where there is a view to life, i am just saying that that does help enormously, i believe.

I really do hope that the situation you and your mum are in, eases and becomes a more positive one, its heartbreaking it really is.

Hi serendipity.No mum doesn’t belong to a church unfortunately or anything else for that matter, but she does live on a main road and loves it, she loves seeing the school children everyday and the busyness of the road, but still it’s not enough.
She just loves her family, and wants us there constantly, she doesn’t do too bad to be honest probably has four visits a week from family plus carers three times a day. I just find it so difficult being an only one, trying to spread myself so thinly between her, my family and my job. Some people have much harder times though, so I’m going to stop moaning for now ?

You certainly are NOT moaning, no way is it classed as that. Its difficult i know, i have no brothers or sisters and my mums care was absolute solely down to me. She was a joy to be around and with me being in the care line of work, i was in the know to A, B and C, which made life sooooo much easier. She had more equipment in her house than the local hospital haaa. But of course equipment can't replace company i know.

My DD had 2 children at the time and i was able (back then) to juggle helping my DD and my mum. They call us 'The Sandwich Generation'... a very good description.

Your poor mum is doing nothing wrong in wanting to be surrounded by her family, bless her, but ( yes there's a BUT) when everyone is leading such busy lives, guilt wraps itself around you and others.....

So difficult for you, i have worn the shoes you wear. X