Very Elderly neighbours not helped by family.

Not exactly. However, before informing social services do check with the couple as they may not want to involve them. Unfortunately SC do not always do what the person wants.

Is anyone in touch with the family at all, so they could contact them and make them aware of the situation? I know people may be reluctant to get social services involved, but surely it's better that than leaving them in the present situation until a tragedy occurs?

Yes we have, you have to ring an ambulance as they bring out one of those blow up things to get someone off the floor and then presumably they log the falls as our neighbours now have carers

I don’t think there’s much that can be done unless the couple themselves request help. Has it been suggested and they have said no? Do they still regard themselves as independent?

I’m afraid your friend will need to refuse next time and call for a paramedic. She can’t control the offspring or the couple, only her own response to the situation.

You shouldn't really pick anyone off the floor as they are like a dead weight if their mobility is poor. You could could hurt yourself

Absolutely.

And if you don’t know why they fell, you really shouldn’t move them. It can cause a lot of additional damage.

The bit that concerns me is ‘offspring otherwise engaged as usual’. What does that mean exactly - that the children had refused to come, that they had been rung at home but didn’t answer the call, that they were on holiday, that the elderly couple didn’t want to bother them (a very likely scenario if my parents are anything to go by!) - or what? Where do the children live - local or miles away?

If I were your friend I would seek all these details from the elderly couple, get the phone numbers and make contact with their child(ren) to confirm what happened, and what will happen next time this happens. It’s quite wrong to condemn the children for not thanking her until she has full knowledge of all the circumstances.

One DD lives next to a very old lady who lives like a hermit. She visits here regularly, stopped at the doorstep, and she does her shopping weekly. Her AC never ever visit, and they are about 30 mins away. They will inherit the house and large amount of land in prime building area and will inherit many many millions. Very sad.

Other DD has been supporting an elderly neighbour who does not have family throughout Covid- shopping, cooking meals, taking to doctors, dealing with finances, etc. She got a visit from her local MP last year to thank her for her for all she has done, as the lady said she would not be alive had it not been for her.

A friend lost her husband recently. When he fell in a very ackward place, they had to wait 5 hours, with him being wedged in the WC before the ambulance came.

Never attempt to pick up anyone who has fallen as you could cause further injury. Always leave them at the place where they fell but cover them and make them feel comfortable, after you've rang for an ambulance.

Suggest to your elderly neighbours that it would be sensible for them both to have an alarm they can wear at all times, so they can get help when they need it.

It is neither reasonable nor fair of them to expect either their adult children or their neighbours to come and help at the drop of a hat.

Presumably some at least of the neighbours are no longer young and strong enough to help others get up again, nor do we necessarily have the training that enables us to do so with hurting either them or ourselves.

I had a three hour journey on public transport to my parents' home when they were in their 80s. There was no way that I could have dropped everything in the course of a working day to go to their aid, and no possibliity of doing so after 6 p. m. as no country bus service in the evening.

Unless you positively know that these people's adult children are deliberately ignoring them it is unkind to expect them to be so placed that they can actually do so.

If your neigbours can't or won't contact social services and ask for the help they probaby are entitled to, there is not much you can do.

I second what Casdon said about the children. Do not take what the couple say at face value! One of my neighbours used to ring other neighbours or us saying they needed help but their son and daughter wouldn't do anything. It turned out son lived in Australia, daughter 200 miles away and didn't know anything was wrong. When they spoke to their mother she said everything was fine no problems. It took an emergency admission to hospital for them to find out what was going on!

It’s impossible to know what goes on in families. I have a friend with a disabled husband and she herself is now very frail. Her family are probably the last people she’d call upon, because she doesn’t want to ‘be a burden’ on them.

Did the elderly neighbours actually get in touch with their children or did they assume that next door would be quicker in assisting? Did your friend contact the children or did they assume that the neighbours did? Too many unknowns.

I agree re families but I know for a fact my elderly neighbours children only come round when they want/need money as I hear the conversations at full volume through the living room walls and they went through a period of kicking their dog

that said, we rarely see our in laws as they live miles away so people most probably think we are awful too. My husband rings them but there is little we can do wrt everyday care or help so they pay for care and a cleaner.

We have a neighbour who is looking after her very disabled husband with the help of caters. We have told her that if she has any problems she should come to us and we will do what we can while waiting with her for family members to arrive. I think this is a fair compromise as the family live an hour’s drive away

Yes, I have been the 'otherwise engaged' child, as has my sister. Both living at some distance, with jobs and families to care for, unable to drop everything and do a 2-4 hour round trip.

My parents would not take elementary precautions, and asked neighbours for help instead. We were unaware of this for some time, and after a slightly odd conversation with my dad, I actually called one of the neighbours and asked what had been going on.
Neighbours were actually kindly and helpful people, and we agreed that they would find themselves 'rushing out on a call' or 'having a bad back', so that the emergency services were called.
At the 3rd call out they spoke kindly and firmly to both. I arrived as this was happening, and it was the final push needed for my mum to go into care.
One of the neighbours was in fact an emergency worker, and said that although it appeared like a waste of resources, this would work out best in the long run, and so it did.

I was on call for a neighbour who wore an alarm on a lanyard and was phoned by the service she used to help her as she'd had a fall. As I couldn't lift her on my own, a younger neighbour came to help but she adamantly refused an ambulance as she said she had only slid gently on to the floor from her chair.
She did have family near but they were at work or out much of the time.

I would not lift anyone up from the floor. How do you know you are not doing more damage? I have in the past, phoned family for ill neighbours etc. I can assure you some people do not tell their family what is going on with them. It's not my business to know why. I did know a lady who had family twenty minutes away, she point blank refused to phone them when she was being admitted to hospital. Friends had to persuade her that they needed to be told. There was no estrangement or anything, but a mystery to me why people don't tell their family if they are ill/need help.

I have a neighbour who would rather call me than her daughter who doesn't live far away. Reading between the lines I think she knows that if she calls her daughter she will be told that she has to move to a home or sheltered accommodation,

Gangy5, never thought of that.

It is worth remembering that the aged person or couple whose children ignore them, may well not have been good parents. As parents they could have been abusive, cold and unloving or neglectful.

I used to volunteer with Age Concern (as was) I was sent to visit an elderly man, recently widowed, who was struggling. None of his six children would get involved. He seemed such a nice man, saying how much he loved his wife, gave her his pay packet every week etc etc. AC could not provide the help he needed an that was that.

A few weeks later I had another client in the same area. As she opened the front door, she was looking over my shoulder, I turned - and there was my elderly client, creeping along the pavement using his stick. As this lady and I walked into the house she said chattily, 'Ooh, he is a horrible old man, used to beat his wife and family something rotten. He was banned from the Social Club for threatening someone with his stick.'

So do not be too quick to blame neglectful children.

My late parents were fiercely independent and lived several hours drive from my nearest sibling, so would not usually phone us for immediate help in an emergency. There was an emergency nurse on call/ call out out team - I can’t remember it’s proper name, to come out and help if my father fell etc ( he had had strokes). My very frail elderly father had a few falls and if my parents could not solve the problem between them, my mother (90) could ring the team and just keep Dad comfortable with cushions etc, until the team arrived. Perhaps there is a similar team locally if the neighbours are very frail?

love0c

Not exactly. However, before informing social services do check with the couple as they may not want to involve them. Unfortunately SC do not always do what the person wants.

The problem with those that don't want to involve social services when they are in need of help is that it puts the onus on neighbours / family / friends to care for them when something like this happens.

My only family normally reside in South Africa, so I have set up a personal alarm system for myself (partially disabled) and my partner (almost completely disabled). We have 4 keyholders, two of them good friends of ours and two neighbours who were more than willing to be involved. An emergency call could, ultimately, trigger social services being involved, but we both accept that, as much as we want to remain independent, we cannot rely on others at the drop of a hat to cater for our needs if we cannot manage.

Many older people don't want to be a "burden" (a very sad state of affairs) on their family, but end up being just that because of it.

Neil Kinnoch warned us not to get old - or ill - how right he was. Social services are stretched beyond their limit and resources and little has been done to alleviate the issue - apart from a lot of talk and then the kicking into the long grass of the problem... and this isn't 'Boris bashing', the problem existed long before he came on the scene.

Family can only do so much, and many do. My own family want us to uproot and go live in South Africa so that they can be there for us in an emergency... but at age 80 (both of us) with multiple health conditions, this just isn't feasible - although I do day-dream about it sometimes.

But, to the OP, I think your friend needs to find out if the couple's family really are as disengaged as it appears they are - they might not even be aware of what's going on. But, regardless, they need to be informed.