Very Elderly neighbours not helped by family.

I bet those children will be there to hear the will read! Surely adult children should make time in the evening and at weekends to make sure what is going on with their parents. There are all sorts of reasons gransnetters give when adult children do not visit, but they are only assumptions and OP did indicate that she knew of the adults involved behaviour. My first concern is the elderly couple not reasons why their kids are never there!

It's quite possible that the family are not aware of the parents frailty because on the occasions they do come, everything is fine, or the couple are denying that they're struggling.

So long as neighbours and friends are stepping in, the couple are unlikely to seek help. Someone needs to suggest that they get more formal help now. What about an alarm system with a pendant that either one can use if there's a major problem, there may be a mobile response service that can attend if there's a major problem. Some have the 'lifters' and will provide a lifting service.

It's quite possible that they're not in receipt of all the financial support to which they are entitlements. Perhaps if they could increase their income, they would feel able to pay for regular assistance.

Organisations like Age UK are often able to support older people to access their entitlements, and will reassure them that they can continue to live at their own home and can't be forced to move into a care home.....often a fear.

Daftbagi ( love your name) I think your suggestion of involving Age UK is a good one.

My DM was very compliant to my suggestions for care. She understood i couldn't do everything to help with a 4 hr drive between us so she moved house and made compromises.
My MIL refused to make any changes (stair lift, walk in shower, community alarm, sleeping downstairs, cleaner, carer, me making meals for the freezer etc) What she really needed was sheltered housing and eventually a care home. Instead she called neighbours for help and refused medical attention. Her DD (my DH's sister) didn't want her to move into a care home as the house (her inheritance) would be sold to pay for this. My DH tried everything to support his DM but this wasn't the story the DSis fed the neighbours or her DM so he eventually gave up trying. I understand why neighbours help, it's difficult not to but sometimes this help is compounding the problem.

Some families are happy to leave the responsibilities with neighbours. I totally agree with Greenlady's post. I was a carer, saw about one other family member out of a very large family. GP left us to it and was quite frankly, very judgemental. Never underestimate what being a carer does to your own health, mental and physical. Having said all this I have no regrets, even though it was very, very hard and lonely at times. One thing I would like to say and it's an observation really. I know many 60/70 year olds struggling to care for 80/90+ year olds. It all seems fine until something happens to the adult child. My friend who was in her 90s was cared for by an adult child in their 60s. The child died first. It was all very sad. All very well living longer, but what about QUALITY of that life?

Yes, I had the same issue I mentioned yesterday just now. Mil (in her 90’s) rung asking me to pop to the store to get her milk, I asked have you run out, she said “no enough to last me till tomorrow”, so I said that’s fine I’ll get a bottle on my way home from work and drop it off.

She then phoned me back 5 mins later to say I’ve rung the lady down the street and she’s getting me one now ?.
The lady down the street probably thinks mils children are awful and has been told some sorry tale, but actually we have her covered! She is just impatient and doesn’t consider other people’s lives, and wants what she wants, when she wants it.

We (dh and I) are run ragged by her demands and one if not both of us are round there daily at the moment. The strops are the worst bit, you can’t react and just have to take it on the chin, but I’m worn out.
I think the neighbours think they are being helpful, but actually she has help, but it’s not quick enough for her, she wants things done as soon as the phone is hung up, not an hour on or later that same day. The neighbours ‘helping’ actually adds pressure on us to drop everything and do things straight away as we don’t want mil bothering them constantly. It would be much easier if they stopped.
I realise some children are neglectful of their elderly parents and helpful neighbours are much needed in those situations, but equally some elderly parents hide their needs from their children as they don’t want to go into care, or their children live too far away, or they are being helped but not to their exacting standards.
It’s not always the children’s fault, the parents life choices must be known, to know if the children are actually being ‘unhelpful’

old age - we must try to remember this post when our time comes.

Yes, but we must plan for it too. I’ve told both children, that if we are unable to care for ourselves and they aren’t able to cover our needs without impacting their home life negativity, to arrange carers or alternatively move us to a assisted living home/apartment.

People are living longer than ever before, which means now that seniors are caring for the elderly. I get told by my gp to do less as the stress affects my migraines, but with looking after her and my various jobs, I’m stretched thin.

DillytheGardener, you have all my sympathy. Old people can be very selfish and demanding. Likewise, our dds have strict instructions (in our Ps of A as well as verbal) to arrange care/care homes if necessary - the last thing I ever want is to be a worry or burden to them.

My mother and my FiL both had dementia, so they couldn’t really help their demands, but it was still utterly exhausting.

OTOH a childless old aunt of dh, no dementia, became unbelievably selfish and self centred as she aged. She would demand dh’s attendance, even when he was knackered after a long night flight for work - and she lived a good 2 hour drive away.

She had plenty of money but hated spending it, so any care dh arranged was turned away within a day or two. Family or neighbours (mostly all decrepit themselves!) were supposed to do it ‘for love’.
She actually expected a rather younger bridge-playing friend to drive 20 minutes each way every night to fill her hot water bottles! The person was actually kind enough to do it for a few weeks - the aunt was most put out when she said sorry, it’s too much.
The electric blanket dh offered was refused.

I had run around her a lot when dh was away for work (often for weeks at a time) but there came a point when I said, No more, I didn’t want to see her at all. I relented only a couple of months before she died, and that was only really to keep poor old dh company on the drive.

DillytheGardener and Witzend I absolutely agree with both your posts. Old people are not all sweet little old ladies, some are selfish and demanding. My 94 year old mother is one of the latter. Everything is about her. She even texted me at 11.00am on Christmas Day and asked me to get her a new tube of toothpaste where she thought I’d get it goodness knows. Why couldn’t she have said the day before? I ended up taking her a half used tube until I could get her some more.
My mother wasn’t a very good mother, but she expects me to be a good daughter. I’m 68, and I wonder how long this is going to go on.

Thank you maddyone and Witzend you have my empathy and sympathy too. I sat in the car and had a wee sob reading your posts, it made me feel a lot better. I’ve been feeling very overwhelmed of late. Mil is the last man (woman) standing of that generation in our family, but that has also meant I’m worn out caring for the 3 that died in the preceding years. Mil unfortunately is the most demanding and selfish of the lot (not dementia she has always been like this).

I echo your thoughts, maddyone I’m going to get a power of attorney written up that is a good idea, and to you both I understand how frustrating it is running errands for someone that puts themselves first. Mil will complain to anyone that listens no one looks after her, (so they feel guilted into offering help at her beck and call) would be nice to sometimes have a thank you at the minimum.

I’m going to switch the phone to the answer phone tonight and have a glass of wine in peace. I’m normally a glass half full type, maybe I need a glass full of a Prosecco or pinto Grigio to fake it till I make it ?

My own father said he had kids with two purposes only:
1. Have gc
2. So we would take care of them when my mother and father got old

No, I didn't sign a contract and I wasn't born to fulfill their agenda.

He thought he was super reasonable requesting it - didn't understand why I said " nope, not going to happen"

We three girls were convinced the reason my parents had three children was to have a team to do the washing-up. One to wash, one to dry and one to clear the table and put away.

It is so hard, I've had elderly parents, elderly in-laws and elderly neighbours. I was keyholder for an old lady down the road I'd known for years. I was not impressed with the alarm company, they seemed to be just a call forwarding service, they didn't come out at all. But the council run service my parents had would ring if no one spoke, and come out if need be. If someone fell they would triage, and if ok to help up had a couple of people with the equipment to help. They would advise whether to call an ambulance or the gp.
I was sometimes called by the lady who had dementia by this time, who knew there was a problem but didn't know what to do about it. I kept her relatives updated. She went into a home after she broke her hip while staying at the relatives. I heard some time later that she had died, but on the g grapevine, not from the relatives. They had my contact as they'd asked me to pop my key back through the letterbox. I did wish that they had told me about the death as I'd have liked to have gone to the funeral if possible. That would have been kind.
Mil described now ex as her long lost son....she would get him or his brother to go there 100 miles away to go for a dental check up or opticians, instead of getting a taxi which would have been very cheap, as it was only about a mile away. Wouldn't get someone to sit with til with dementia which could have been funded, but even if not it would have cost an hours carer fees, and would have made visits easier at times when he didn't need to go. When the dentist was not easy to access wouldn't find an accessible one, or for the optician wouldn't ask for s home visit from spectacles which mum did as she became less mobile. Just wouldn't consider doing things differently even when it would have made their lives easier as well as everyone else's. Also a husband problem as he wouldn't accept that there were alternatives that he could suggest, so he enabled them
Elderly neighbours of mum kept falling. One had very regular family visits, but seemed to fall not long after they left, another one had fallen out with her family years before, kept falling, comp is mentors, but drank.was often spotted in the floor through the letterbox.
Agree that should not try and pick someone up, for the reasons mentioned, although I did help an old man up who was trying to get himself up which seemed the safest thing as he was determined, but it made me realise that I could not physically pick up an adult. My brother picked my out father and really it should have been logged with the doc as the falls were caused by heart failure not tripping, so he missed out on adjustments to his treatment until he did the same with me who had to call for help
There will be some children who take the kids with neighbours, and rely on them, and have come across that too, but its not all

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I can't see a problem - as I wouldn't dream of picking up an elderly person, I'd be calling an ambulance instead.

If people want to be independent then that's their choice. They can't expect family or neighbours to be available at the drop of a hat. Still, I'd defend their right to live as they choose. I'd rather risk falls than risk a care home!

My FIL aged 93, is getting to this stage, he has had 2 falls in the last 2 days, he wears a pendant alarm, didn't press it on Sunday but was found by his daughter, yesterday he did press it and a neighbour (we pay her as a carer) and I went round and got him up. He's only 9 stone so it's relatively easy.

When his wife was ill and had regular falls as she had PS, he never called us but called the neighbours to help get her up. We used to nag him constantly about calling us first as we're only 15 minutes away but he is a stubborn old goat and refused point blank.

At least the neighbours know what he's like and see us visiting frequently and they have our numbers to contact whenever they want to.

*PSP, apologies I didn't proof read properly!

We'll be the 'stubborn old goats' next. At what point do we have to change and be looked after by others? When do we become a worry and nuisance? Oh, and when do our own needs and preferences have to be sacrificed for the sake of our children's peace of mind? (Hoping to never get to that stage myself.)

He's always been a stubborn old goat, even when he was younger.
My DH says the house had always to be run to his standards and for his convenience so we're not entirely surprised now. I am fond of him though and will do everything to make sure he stays at home as that is his wish.

Funnily enough he only expects his two sons to help with computer issues or financial problems, anything else is woman's work so down to me, my DD and his daughter although DH does do his fair share and gets thanked profusely by his Father.

He has never had any comprehension that we women all work full time as his wife never worked outside the home once she was married.

I just wish he wouldn't inflict his demands on his wonderful neighbours. We do thank them repeatedly and buy them each a hamper at Christmas but it's still embarrassing.

Hetty58

We'll be the 'stubborn old goats' next. At what point do we have to change and be looked after by others? When do we become a worry and nuisance? Oh, and when do our own needs and preferences have to be sacrificed for the sake of our children's peace of mind? (Hoping to never get to that stage myself.)

I guess none of us know what we will be like if and when we reach that stage.

Right now, I can't see myself ever being the sort of elderly person who expects all their preferences and unrealistic time-frames to be pandered to. So far in my life, I have tended to go without things rather than put others out for non-essential things, and I can't really imagine that changing.

That said, I know people's characters can change with age, so there is still the possibility that I will end up being the parent from Hell!

Like you, Hetty, I hope I don't get to that stage, for the sake of my family as much as myself.

I have elderly neighbours who have reluctantly accepted some carer help but, understandably, want to stay in their home. On Sunday' evening two ambulances and paramedic teams were there for over two hours persuading one of them to go to hospital, meaning that two crews were not available for anything else. It seemed to me to have reached the stage where individual choice had become totally selfish - and it wasn’t the first time, either.

Councils have various schemes to help in these circumstances ie falls, becoming ill etc . For a small fee you can get an alarm which you wear around your neck. If you fall, become ill , you press it and help comes.
Social services , Carers resource , citizens advice maybe helpful if they are asked ie appliances, meals on wheels , lunch clubs etc
A kindly chat asking what help is needed

i have wondered, in these modern days of mobile phones, if those alarm pendant systems are really necessary now.
they are an added expense.
phones can be set to be voice activated, or have quick dial with one press, easy access favourite contacts.