Very Elderly neighbours not helped by family.

Here here SueEH my own experiences with my parents and dh’s parents were/are very similar. Thankfully MIL whilst stubborn has allowed a cleaner, but won’t allow a care line alarm. I really do worry about her falling as her bedroom and bathroom are upstairs, and she won’t have a chairlift installed as they are for ‘old people’. She is in her 90’s too. ?
To add to Sue’s experience, my mil is impatient. If I’m at work or dh not at home when she calls for an non urgent errand, if we don’t come immediately (ie come after work/social commitment) she will rope a neighbour in to do it first.

It is just so hard and I feel for all of you. I had about 10 years of this, dad complaining he was a full time carer, but never accepting outside help. I had to give up my full time job to be able to jump on a plane on a regular basis to pick up the pieces. In the end, I retired completely and moved countries as it was just impossible to deal with from afar. Very very hard.

However, dad still drove, cycled, and got onto the roof to clear snow- well into his 90s- and ...

hugs

(I meant if we don’t drop what we are doing (work/social commitments) she will call a neighbour, when if she waited half a day we would have been round. To add to the drama she will slam down the phone and say ‘no one cares about me, it’s hard to be old’, with no interest if I no showed to clients to tend to her non urgent needs I’d lose my income!

tidyskatemum, same here with dementia. My mother would swear blind that she hadn’t seen my brother for weeks - ‘He never comes near!’ - when I’d literally just met him getting in his car to go, as I was arriving!
But her short term memory was virtually non existent by then - it wasn’t deliberate.

Kali2 we love them to bits (some more than others) but it’s very wearing. I dread phone calls on the house phone as mil’s ‘urgent errands’ are very frequent of late.

It's always difficult to judge these issues.

Sometimes its true - for various reasons other relatives cannot or will not provide care.

Sometimes its not true but the elderly person either enjoys playing the martyr to get people running around after them, or they don't want to admit to the extent of their care needs, or that cognitive decline means that their judgement is impaired, My mum had memory issues and started dialing 999 and demanding the Police because she had been abandoned and not fed for 3 weeks ... this of course was big news to the 5 people visiting daily (3 professional carers and 2 family).

I was a bit puzzled by where you wrote Neighbour went and is yet waiting to be thanked by offspring you are implying that it is the offspring's responsibility but surely the the person that should be doing the thanking is the person that was rescued

I took my mother shopping weekly, cleaned her house and she would come for lunch most Sundays.
She told family she went months without seeing me.

Looking at all these posts, and knowing how my own mother of 94 is, and my husband’s father of 94 is, I hope I don’t live that long. I never want to do to my children what has been done to myself or husband.

As a retired NHS professional, what anyone should do for a faller is dial 999 and make them warm and comfortable while moving them as little as possible. If they are able to crawl to a STABLE piece of furniture to help themselves get up then SOMEONE WHO KNOWS THEM WELL can get a suitable piece of furniture and a chair.
I would also counsel you (them) strongly not to get involved. Its really easy for people to start to rely too heavily on neighbours and for the local services to connive at this and not get involved where they should. In the situation you describe, your neighbour should have told the person to make the person comfortable....blanket, maybe pillow, put the heating on and 999. They can phone SS but SS are unlikely to even speak to them without being assured that the phoner has the clients permission to call unless the phoner is reporting a vulnerable person putting themselves in danger...eg night wandering. accidental fires and so on. If they say anything to relatives, it should be simply that they are unable to help further, very sorry. I repeat DO NOT GET INVOLVED

I moved to the uk in 2019 to care for my mother who was then 99. My husband had died a year earlier and my adult children didn’t want their grandmother to go in a home. Just as well really given the pandemic. She had falls while I was there and I had to call the paramedics who were always very good. The last fall in June last year was the last straw and she broke her hip. We waited a long time for the ambulance and I did what other posters said, made her comfortable on the floor even though she wanted to get up. The ambulance men were wonderful and got her to hospital but sadly she deteriorated and I had to make the decision to let her go in peace ?

The Elderly Couple should have Emergency Contacts. Then Contact them Family, Friend or Neighbor. What Emergency Plan is in Place? How far away is Next of Kin? Do they have a Plan? Who does a Wellness Check? Can a Social Worker stop by & access their Needs? Did anyone Contact the Family to let them know the situation?

The usual procedure is, if an elderly person falls, call an ambulance. I stick to that. Let the professionals deal with it. Also, do the children even know? There are always things going on in families. Proud parents, children who don’t know etc etc

I do not understand why your friend told you this in a phone call, would she have declined to help if she knew she was not going to thanked by this couples family? Can she not just be thankful she could help? !!

Yammy, I'm not criticising, but could I just give you a different aspect on the situation ?
I won't give any identifiers but my Mum started to be infirm but demanded to live alone without any help from family, she also had falls, and had to call on neighbours on a number of occasions, they called us but I live away and my sister is unable to drive, but we called in other family members to help as and when we could. We contacted social services ourselves but they were so slow to act as the system is so overloaded. My Mum is now in care, but the family isn't always to blame and are often trying to do their best in a highly stressful and volatile situation with no outside help. Not saying this is the same for the people you are speaking about, just a different perspective for you to consider as sometimes these situations are not as black and white as they seem.

My partner has been falling over regularly for two years or more. Last year was undescribable …. he was continually falling and I ( all 9 stone) of me was taking over an hour to pick him ( 12.5st) off the floor as he is totally incapable of helping himself! The day I had my stroke …. I was picking him off the floor for the third time and it was only 12 midday!! I managed to ring ambulance and they came within 15 mins….then sent for a second ambulance to sort out my husband as he was screaming and shouting about NOT going into hospital. They had to take him as I am his carer ( 26 years now) as he won’t let anyone else near him . They took me one way in an ambulance and him another way to a different hosp. From there he went into respite for six weeks to ‘give me a rest’….
I was out of hospital in 6 days….. I had the most lively time for the next six weeks just looking g after myself ….. first time In years I was able to think of someone other than him. I was told NOT to attempt to pick up a prone person….you could hurt them as well as yourself!
So now…when he falls I call an ambulance. Sometimes they just have to pick him if floor and take his vital signs. But it did kick start him having to accept help other then me.

Good advice not to attempt to lift the neighbour .
Leave it to the paramedics ,who have a specialised device .
My father refused to allow me to call an ambulance when he fell .
I could see just how much of a strain it was for the neighbours to lift him .
I called an ambulance the next time .

My father complains about me to everyone .
Last time , it was to the doctor .
I've learnt that no matter what I do he's angry and frustrated and takes it out on me .

I also visit his old friends with birthday Christmas and get well cards and gifts .

Not only do they ignore my father,but they can be rude to me !
When they were younger they were as formidable as he is !

Never lift anyone off the floor - totally agree here why:
Elderly lady gardening when her son had said he would do it, she fell on the concrete path, helpful neighbours came and picked her up, took her inside and gave her a cuppa. Her son arrived and called an ambulance, turned out she had a broken neck and as she suffers from osteoporosis she is in a hard neck brace for the rest of her days. It’s a good job her kind neighbours’ action didn’t lead to her being paralysed.

In another recent incident a neighbour of my MIL had a fall ,couldn’t get up so his wife tried to lift him. The end result: 2 of them off to hospital, one with a broken leg and the other with a broken wrist.

Does all this falling, dementia chronic ill health really just mean we’re living too long? Switzerland here we come…

It's very difficult with elderly people, not wanting to go against their wishes but wanting maximum family support for them, even virtually.

My late grandmother was adamant that no one ever visited apart from my mother (her daughter) despite 4 other children. It wasn't until my mother telephoned her sister that she found out that all the siblings visited regularly and all were individually told by my grandmother than they were the only ones who visited!

That's very kind of you. I'll thank you. Love is what you give. It's not about what you receive. The joy is in giving love. Certainly if the elderly couple are living in unhealthy and risky conditions it is best to let the authorities know. If you can reach out to the adult children first that is preferable.

Thanks, Green lady you have confirmed what we both have found online. It seems if you help but hinder or hurt further you can be sued. It is your natural reaction to want to help and one partner obviously wants it and the other needs it. Steps are being taken my friend has found out to remedy this.
The old saying sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

Please don’t judge the ‘offspring’. You never know what’s going on or has happened previously.
Neighbours have decided that myself and my husband are not doing enough for my MIL because that’s what she tells everyone. This is totally untrue and she has a very strange relationship with the truth. She does not have dementia but has been an unpleasant character all her life. We really do do our best but you can only be kicked on the teeth so many times and we don’t need anyone else making us feel guilty. Rant over!

I helped an ancient neighbour in 1996! She came to my door saying loo not flushing? I went into what was a real time capsule of a terrace, turned out her whole bathroom frozen solid!! So. I dug out her paraffin heater, placed it into her old C.I. BATH (CAST IRON) walked up to nearby petrol station bought time Esso blue! Filled heater, got her all sorted for bed filled 2 hot water bottles for her and told her I'd check inan hour if she gav me key. I checked and she was cosy asleep in bed so I left her (loo etc thawing too) her loaded son came to visit couple days later, I spoke to him telling him about problems with freezing he just said " oh ok, I'll have a look " have a look???? What an absolute fatherless son!!! He was one of 6 kids all within 10 miles all successful. All a**eholes!!!

Caligrandma

That's very kind of you. I'll thank you. Love is what you give. It's not about what you receive. The joy is in giving love. Certainly if the elderly couple are living in unhealthy and risky conditions it is best to let the authorities know. If you can reach out to the adult children first that is preferable.

Reach out? Are you for real? Kids know full well what state parents are in and if they don't it's because they don't want to! I'd tell soc.sers. pronto! Shame the offspirng

If you have any concerns at all about someone you feel is vulnerable, regardless of their age or you not being related to them, you can raise a safeguarding concern by email or phone to your local social services. They may contact you for further details but if a concern is raised, it MUST be acknowledged. Concerns are treated confidentially and there have been successful outcomes for people who 'slip under the radar'.

JaneJudge As well as doing further damage to the fallen person - the ambulance service is the best bet as they will safeguard the situation and get the ball rolling. AC may not want to care for their parents for a lot of reasons? ?