Husband going into care home

You're doing the best for your DH because you care, Welshchrissy, just as you have doe for all those years

He will be somewhere where he can have the higher level of care that he now needs and you can visit him regularly and enjoy your time together.

Welshcrissy

Thoughts with you x

Dh and I have each had to make the decision to put an elderly parent in a care home - both had had dementia for some time.

Not the same as a spouse, I know, but I honestly don’t know anyone who’s been through this without an awful lot of agonised heart-searching first. But so often, by a certain stage, it’s the only way to be sure that a person is going to be properly cared for 24/7 - by which I mean all day, all night, 365 days a year.

I was very fond of my FiL, but quite apart from other factors he could not (for example) be safely left alone even for half an hour - there was no knowing what he might do. In a normal family setting this sort of situation is simply untenable.

I do hope your burden of guilt will ease a little soon.
In case you’re not aware of it, when I was going through all this, with my mother and my FiL, I did find the Alzheimer’s Society Talking Point forum a great help - at least you can offload to people who’ve between there and know exactly what it’s like.

welshcrissy as others have said what you are feeling is natural.
My beloved SIL looked after my brother at home through most of his years with dementia. He spent his last 18 months in a care home and it gave them both some good, relaxing, happy times together. By the time he went into the care home my SIL was almost at her wits end with how to cope but she was devastated not to have him with her. No one could have done more for my brother than she did. It took a while for them both to adjust but it was for the best and she visited him almost every day. Please don’t be hard on yourself. Take care.

I have no direct experience of this, only experience of my elderly mother having to go into care as she was no longer able to care for herself, and we (my husband and I) were not able any longer to meet her needs. It’s difficult for us all, but especially for you as it is your husband and you will miss his company.
I can’t offer any advice but want you to know I’m thinking of you

Oh Welshchrissy, I really feel for you. I am currently just the other side of the line with caring for my friend and companion of 27 years. She is 88 and 21 years older than me with chronic oesteo-arthritis, diabetes and mild but worsening dementia since July 2020 and she has become virtually immobile, loosing the ability to walk and now on morphine for her pain. I care for her 24/7 though we do currently have HomeFirst carers coming in daily to wash and dress her following a recent spell in hospital and currently awaiting an Adult care assesment for her. I gave up work to care for her in 2016 but her health has deteriorated badly this year and the doc is advising she goes into a retirement home but though I am now struggling to care for her and constantly exhausted, backache, sleep deprived and no time for any activities not related to her care and also feel I miss time with my daughter and small grandsons and doing many other ‘normal, everyday’ things, yet the thought of my friend going into care just tears me apart - her too of course, even though she sees why it might come to that! I have cried copious tears at the thought and we have cried together and I just can’t seem to bring myself to force the issue yet even though we both know we can’t go on like this - she slips and falls trying to get out of bed onto her commode and won’t just settle for incontinence pads etc in bed at night, and I cant lift her so it is all becoming untenable …..I really feel your pain and the same sense of guilt will haunt me when/if we become brave enough to make that decision (hopefully together)! In the meantime I feel other emotions , real frustration , despair, even some internalised passive anger at times - it feels at times like drowning and no way to breathe properly! I admire you so very much for finding the incredible courage to do what was absolutely in both your best interests both now and going forward and send you my loving support in one of the hardest things we ever have to face in life! Take care and keep putting both of your good selves first.And having made the right call ……..It WILL get easier seems to be the message on this forum.

How sad for everyone this stage of life is
My dad and myself ( only child) had to make this decision for mum her Alzheimer’s was such that she wouldn’t accept help she saw me as the other woman when I tried to help dad she was getting up in the middle if the night to try and cook him dinner she wouldn’t let anyone help her wash or bathe she felt capable I was in full time work and helping with two small grandkids who s dad had recently died so with a heavy heart we decided she had to have more care
That was 17 years ago and I still feel acutely guilty she lived for 7 years and never seemed to settle I visited after work every day It was such a difficult decision and a bleak time of life for us all xx
My thoughts and love go out to all having to make that decision

Welshchrissy my heart goes out to you.You have done the very best for your DH over the years.
There is only so much one person can do and you have done it.
Nothing will stop the guilt/sadness you are feeling but it is the best decision,?♥️

Welshchrissy, you feel upset and guilty because your decision was so complicated you can't immediately recall why you decided as you did. And then it takes time and thought to recall all it took to decide as you did.

Through time you will remember that more than anything you loved him all the way.

Whammo, I am sorry you are both in this sad situation, her more than you. You have got to a stage when one of the two of you is going to have to be the strong incisive one, and it seems this is going to be you. Best wishes.

A big thank you to everyone for your kind words and understanding. Hubby is still in rehab centre waiting for a suitable care home . There seem to be a shortage of places that can cope with his needs but our social worker is brilliant and is trying her best and I am sure something suitable will be available soon meanwhile he is happy where he is. Luckily he still has good understanding and enough common sense to realise we couldn’t cope with him at home. We have just celebrated an anniversary and his birthday both of which brought tears but we had a glass of wine and a fancy cake together. We are both trying to make the best of a terrible situation and I am sure we will adapt more as time goes on. The tearful days are getting less frequent and at least we still have a good relationship