MiL wants to go to care home. We don’t think she’s ready.

This might sound like criticism but that's not how it's meant, more a way of 'owning' your own perplexity. The old lady does not sound to be perplexed at all fro what has been said. Perhaps she has decided she'd like to have meals made for her and to have people around her.

Her wishing to take very little with her could also be taken as a sign that she wants to just let go and rest. At 92 this is hardly surprising.

I hope she finds what she wants and is content with the rest of her life.

I think it is Japanese culture which encourages older people to dispose of their belongings as they get older so that their sprit is freed. Perhaps your mum is just naturally aware of this and wants to move, taking very little with her.
Getting a one or two week visit for her would be good. Then your worries that she might not settle would be assuaged.
You could also offer to store her belongings for a bit when she does go into a home, just in case she doesn't settle.

Your post reminds me of someone I met when I was a Care Home Chaplain. The lady had made the same decision as your MIL cloudscape, but her family brought her to look around the home with a view to a month’s respite in order to see if it really was what she wanted as they thought she didn’t ‘need’ to move yet. She was adamant that she wanted to move in on a permanent basis and that’s what she did.

After about eight months or so she confided in me that she had become so tired and lonely at home that she just wanted some company and the reassurance that there would be people around her to look after her when she needed it. She wanted to move while she still was ‘herself’, so that if she deteriorated in health the people at the home would remember her as she had been. She initially continued to take part in many of the activities outside the home that she had previously enjoyed and when she became very frail and couldn’t go out any more she was so well established in the home that the other residents and staff often popped in to sit with her. She was a very thoughtful and intelligent woman who became a great favourite with everyone.

Lovely post Grannyactvist I hope I m strong enough to know when I need help
I think you will warm to it once you know she s ok Cloudscape she sounds a wise woman who knows what’s best for her
Good luck I m sure it ll all work out well

Thank you so much grannyactivist. That was just what I was hoping for. That makes so much sense. I’m so grateful ( I was so upset by previous posters view that I was being patronising and controlling that I left Gransnet - have rejoined just to say thank you for your lovely and helpful post) x

No point in leaving cloudscape people all have different views and very different ways of expressing them, some will agree, some will disagree, some will disagree kindly, some will sound sharp, you just accept that everyone is different when you throw out a question for advice or views.
I also think it may be the way you expressed your title “We don’t think she’s ready” which made it sound as if you thought she was wrong and you were right, if people read subsequent posts by you they would have realised that wasn’t what you meant at all, but not everyone goes through all the posts (a big bugbear of mine) before replying
Hang around most people on here are kind and caring

Thanks Bluebelle - my first venture into Gransnet. It’s difficult to encapsulate entirely what you mean in a title but I see what you mean.

grannyactivist puts it very well based on her experience as a chaplain. I was, clumsily, aiming at the same thing based on training I’ve had in listening to the desires of people with dementia — which is not suggest cloudscape’s mil has dementia, just the importance of listening very carefully to what people say.

Sounds like she wants to exercise her choice while she still can. I would do the same at her age, before being forced by circumstances to make the move.

Just as an aside to the main question; a good care home will foster the continuation of existing hobbies and interests both within and outside of the home. They are not prisons and if they’re in a location where residents can walk to a cafe or the shops they’ll encourage that, with support if needed. If too far from local amenities most have a mini-bus or other transport available to enable residents to get out and about.

Care homes local to me all have activity coordinators who arrange in-home events alongside visits to the cinema, theatre art/craft fairs etc. In addition to the organised ‘formal’ activities there are often lots of opportunities for more informal events and celebrations too.

You’re welcome Cloudscape it’s just like real life some you’re going to like, some you aren’t some you agree with, some you don’t, some posters are very forthright but most people are kind and you get a LOT of really good advice, don’t leave, take the rough with the smooth you ll soon get used to the different styles. Chuck out of your head any nasty one and concentrate on those with good kind advice even if it’s not always what you would have thought of 🙂

Cloudscape You are clearly thoughtful and caring; your MIL is lucky to have you!¬ So good that you can take on some of the suggestions here.

I too knew an elderly lady of 89 years who chose to go into a Care home, before evident "need"! She wanted to hand over responsibilities for every day living, to use her energy for other things. She wanted to have no worries re her house etc. No heating to deal with etc. She went into a Care home that allowed residents to go out etc and to lead relatively independent lives. She loved that her meals were cooked, her breakfast brought in bed, help was available if she needed it and she could still see friends as and when, have visitors, sit in a garden that was not her responsibility. She had several happy years there.

Good luck with the coming arrangements.

I think it is up to her to make her own decisions. Why won't she be able to discuss politics or books in there? There may well be like-minded people that she will make friends with.

My mum told us that if dad died first, she wanted to go into a Home. He died when Mum was 92 and a few days after the funeral she went into a lovely Home “ for a rest” for two weeks. It gave her a new lease of life. She did not have to worry about shopping or meals or housework. She joined in with whatever was on offer, including a trip to the local theatre, something she had not done for years. There were three lounges, and she mostly chose to go in the one most frequented by the men, as she found their conversation more interesting!
Mum hadn’t a clue about how her stay was financed, but she wanted to stay, and after several weeks, she agreed to put the empty house up for sale. She had seven good months here before she fell ill and died three weeks later.
It was absolutely the right decision.
If she had not been able to self-fund, she would not have been deemed to need to be in a Home, though she did need support from carers. But the social side was more important than the care. I hope this helps, OP.

Funding is key I presume this has been thought through.

The issue will be the other residents and whether she finds anybody on her wavelength .surrounded by people who weren’t , my mother felt very isolated . A lot of activities but very little social interaction . A lot of residents will be in decline . Discourage her !! Also the lack of doing things herself causes a decline
Maybe a weeks trial so she can get an idea and assess herself .

@Cloudscape. I don't mean this to be critical, telling off or anything except a helpful comment and its this. You may not be able to understand her reasoning and that shouldn't be a factor. Loving acceptance (which I am sure you are giving her) is all that is necessary. For your own comfort, can I suggest that you think about why you find it worrying that you don't understand her choice?

If at 92 I wanted to move in a care home, I do not see how it could be done without selling home and possessions. I think once you settle in care home, you might decline rapidly. Especially after arranging sale of home etc. But it is her choice.

Lostmyglassesxx

The issue will be the other residents and whether she finds anybody on her wavelength .surrounded by people who weren’t , my mother felt very isolated . A lot of activities but very little social interaction . A lot of residents will be in decline . Discourage her !! Also the lack of doing things herself causes a decline
Maybe a weeks trial so she can get an idea and assess herself .

Discourage her? discourage someone who is totally capable of making her own decisions?

My FIL said the same. Took him to see some and he then found out he couldn’t take his own bed, have a kettle or booze in his room. He soon changed his mind!

My 91 year old Mum has recently moved to a McCarthy and Stone apartment. It is a great inbetween home and although my Mum is not at that stage, carers and staff come in daily to visit some residents. They organise outings and fish and chip nights and have a social communal room. Yes there are fees to pay (approx £3.5k annually including ground rent) but this includes the warden, emergency pull cords, social room, cleaning of common areas, maintenance of lift and security doors, fire alarm, gardening, window cleaning and buildings insurance and poss more I have forgotten. Above all it feels safe and no price can be put on that. She opens her front door onto a carpeted hallway. No nasty draughts or doorstep callers.

Neeed to add to my post as it was abit negative ! It’s down to the standard if the care home as well as they are profit making businesses. My mothers was top of the range care and nursing home and 7k a month . Her last years were in the pandemic which was a nightmare but prior to that the home did not deliver at management or staff level . I am saying do your research check the CQVC reports and reviews .hopefully she may indeed strike lucky and be very happy !

The only thing that would concern me is the situation which occurred back in the beginning of covid 19- its still a 'thing' and rising up again in some areas- so if that, or indeed any other illness, became rampant again would these kinds of homes be the death/sickness harbourers that they were then? Your very healthy lively elderly person likely survived all that as she lived alone..However, maybe thats one thing that has decided her- maybe all the months of lockdown on her own led a realisation that to be entirely alone is not what she wants..Is there no 'sheltered'/community housing where they just have a bedroom/bathroom/small kitchen of their own but everything else is where they gather together for meals and sitting room and have proper care staff /medical etc? Surely somewhere has 'the best of both worlds', so she'd only have to move the once?

Like a little 'flatlet' entirely of her own but within a care home setting so to speak?

Have read of these Age UK factsheets (scroll to homes and care section) and the Elderly Accommodation Council info. These may help thinking and talking to your MiL. www.ageuk.org.uk/services/information-advice/guides-and-factshttps://eac.org.uk/heets/#home

SecondhandRose- yes that sounds like what i was trying to envisage!