MiL wants to go to care home. We don’t think she’s ready.

My partner and I had a similar issue with my MIL so we arranged a two week stay at a local care home to see how she got on - she wanted to come home after a week. We have since arranged visits with volunteers from Age UK who pop in for a cup of tea and a chat etc. Like your MIL. she was just lonely.

Yes - or rather encourage her to look at other options and do some serious research first . I did amend my somewhat negative comment -as I can only talk from experience . A move to a residential situation with options for care and activities whilst maintaining independence is abetter choice ) in my opinion ) there are alot of care homes with a lot of problems . Harsh but true !

I’d go for the suggestion of a months trial in the nicest/best/most suitable home you can find and then take it from there xx

Lost my glasses- wow, that seems like an awful lot of money for them NOT to have delivered on the staff and management levels doesnt it? You would expect for that price it would a near perfect nirvana?🤔

I know a lady in her 80s who was living independently, but a year into lockdown, she opted to self fund a 2 week respite stay in a care home. I thought she'd rush back home, but she's chosen to stay there.
In her eyes, she's future proofed the rest of her life, as the care home can provide nursing care if needed.
The potential downside is the cost. It's over £1K a week here in the Midlands, and I know that's cheap compared to down South.

We are nearly a year in to a Nursing Home for my mother and she still wants to go home. She can't see that she can't cope at home even though she couldn't do anything for herself. If your MIL feels she is ready for that now and is capable of making her own decision, let her do that. A good first step would be to have a 2 week/month's respite to see how she likes it.
Whilst you might be against this, you aren't the one living on your own and may be masking some problems. In my Mum's home there is a lady of nearly 100 with full faculties, setting up her own wifi and smart assistant, etc. Not everyone has lost their faculties and can have good conversations. The carers are often more than happy to do so even if the residents can't.
Also, you can still take her out, visit regularly, etc. It's not as if you are putting her in a prison!

Let her go and enjoy it.

The comment about not wanting to move house but move out with selected possessions may indicate a desire to live a more relaxing life style for a variety of reasons and not necessarily those that you are aware of. Selling and moving house is stressful and an upheaval and I would think even more so at 92. You could ask what is her plan for the house, selling it, letting it - will she be asking you to oversee this? The idea of a trial stay is good, other ideas/options other than a care home may present as a result of this.
Good luck

Just as an aside in August 2020, mid pandemic my husband had a serious heart attack, it’s was put down to stress as he was an active and slim 65 year but he’d given up work to care for his Mum permanently who lived in part-sheltered council accommodation very close to us, this suited her when she first moved in about 8 years before, but a series of TIAs sadly left her with vascular dementia which rapidly progressed and left her unsafe. We had to move her quickly whilst my husband was still recuperating and found a care home within a bus journey away (DH does not drive) and we had to leave her at the door as visits were prohibited due to COVID DH was only allowed to see her through an open window (small opening at top) wearing full PPP - they really did their best and only lost a very few to COVID and she is still there at almost 88 and they’ve been truly amazing - a great well being lady arranges all manner of voluntary activities, exercises and monthly trips - the food is brilliant and it’s spotlessly clean and the carers are fabulous, kind, patient and understanding

My Aunt and Uncle have just moved into a fabulous place, it has 3 levels of accommodation and care. They are middle level have a small apartment with small living room, kitchenette (no cooker but has a microwave) en-suite shower room. They have all meals in lovely restaurant or can be delivered to room. The restaurant even has a bar. They have loads of clubs and entertainment they can go to, trip to supermarket once a week and trips out.
They have an option to upscale to nursing care if required.
Apparently lots of these places around the country.

Sounds like your very caring I sympathise my mum is 88 very independent lives alone etc but says next year she wants to look at care homes as everything is too much trouble .I don't live near 2 hour drive but go fortnightly. So I feel whay your saying

I think possibly she’s worried about if she had a fall or became ill suddenly she’s afraid of noone finding her for hours/days. Maybe an alarm bell would help which she would wear all the time. May also be worth finding out if there’s local day centre nearby which would collect her. Something like that may give her an indication as to whether full time residential living is for her. Hope you find the best solution for your MIL
I know from experience my Dad is really much happier in a nursing home ( does have a lot of health issues) as if you find the right home staff organise days outs, entertainment and there’s always someone there to talk to or help. Living alone myself I do know how lonely it is and I’m sure when I get less mobile hopefully not for years to come a care home would be my preferred choice of living.

Nannan2

Like a little 'flatlet' entirely of her own but within a care home setting so to speak?

This is more or less what I have. My large old house with very large garden was beginning to be too much for me, and when I was in hospital my son found this flat for me. It has a hallway. sitting room, bedroom, bathroom and small kitchen. There is help available if I need it. I have lunch provided, but choose to do other meals myself. I could have lunch with others, but prefer to have it on my own in my flat. Communal eating reminds me of school dinners!

It is bliss not to have to worry about the maintenance of the building, and to know there is someone there in an emergency. It’s made a big difference to my life.

After an operation five years ago the NHS put me in a care home for two weeks. I couldn’t get out of there quickly enough. Not to be able to have even a cup of tea when you wanted and having to have meals at a set time. Not being able to see a TV programme of your choosing.Even when in pain having to wait until they decided to give medication.
Two weeks in Jail!
As most of you know I will soon be 100. I am still able to get my meals and do my internet shopping although in pain. If watch TV in the middle of the night I can do so. I still enjoy my independence .

i dong think she needs a carehome she won’t get the activities and socialising she is expecting 🤔

Rogerxyz

Let her go and enjoy it.

We are talking about a woman capable of making informed decisions here. No question of ' letting her go'. I do find this insistence that because you are older you are incapable of making decisions about your life. Whether others think the decision is right or wrong it is still ours to make.

Why does she want to go into a care home?? Maybe she's had enough coping on her own and would like to be able to continue to make her own choices. If she always has been an independent lady why do you think she is not able to make the choice for herself? She feels she is at the point where she can still decide how she lives. The transition is so much easier if it's your own decision. I know I would like to be able to do that and I am not quite as old as your Mother in law.

I agree with the OP that it's odd that her mil is rejecting sheltered housing options, even the ones that have provision for greater care when the need arises, and that she won't talk things through with them. I'd feel very hurt and perplexed in the OP's place.

I also think it somehow not quite right to take up a scarce care home place without being in need of the services it offers.

And I agree with the OP that it needs rose-coloured spectacles to assume that there will always be stimulating companionship.

Might the mil consider more home support for a year or two - laundry, basic food prep etc? Plenty of companies that provide that. Cleaner twice a week or doing more? And taxis to her bridge club and talks? All that would cost far less than care home fees.

Good luck, Cloudscape.

And I agree with the OP that it needs rose-coloured spectacles to assume that there will always be stimulating companionship.

You can't guarantee that anywhere once past a certain age where care is needed. However, we can assume the carers have a certain amount of intelligence to be stimulating. Even though my Mum has dementia, she is still intelligent and the carers attempt to engage her about the books and papers she is reading or tv programmes she is watching. There are activities every day she could join in with if she chose to. I think that is the case in most homes from my exploration!

I'm 85 next month and would imagine your MIL is just plain tired. Old people put on a brave show but behind the scenes everything becomes more and more burdensome and exhausting. I'm in process of selling my home as my husband, 4 years older than me, moved into a Care Home last year after a 2 week trial. He appreciates his regular meals and all the attention which I could no longer give to him. He's no intellectual but enjoys Bingo, Chair Exercises and Music and Movement. There's a lounge, conservatory and large wraparound patio which provide alternatives to his room, easily accessible as he independently uses a frame for walking and makes his own way down to the communal areas dining room included.
I'm left wondering what I'll do - I'm living with my daughter till my house is sold (sale necessitated by funding for husband). Daughter is anxious I stay but I like more independence and feel she should have that too but as she is continually working we hardly fall over each other.
I've looked at several retirement complexes which are tempting with their compact purpose built accommodation. High annual costs are affordable but later selling is a nightmare I believe as also is the problem of selling and getting one's 'stuff' out. Most of mine's in storage now.
Anyway won't bore you Grans further except to say far better to do your moving early (and at 90+ hardly easy) than to wait till one feels incapable which is what happened to my own mother at 86.

Nannan2

Lost my glasses- wow, that seems like an awful lot of money for them NOT to have delivered on the staff and management levels doesnt it? You would expect for that price it would a near perfect nirvana?🤔

South of UK .and it was a nursing home as well . Self funded but you can clawback about 1/3rd in various allowances
She always would say isnt thenhs marvellous- she didn’t always realise it was her money .
To be fair she went from liking it to hating it on a regular basis but I do think a lot of it was the other residents- it was often quite depressing to be honest !

Good for you Bijou!! Long may you live 🤩

Agreed

Well I think a trial is a great idea, she might not get what she's expecting.
Give her a break though, looking after yourself : meals, cleaning, washing, tidying, loneliness is hard. Maybe she wants a rest. If I could go to an all inclusive hotel to live I think I might go now!!! It was my 60th last week lol
I hope she's happy whatever SHE decided big hugs to her ❤️

Perhaps she wants to sell, make finances ready for paying for care?