MiL wants to go to care home. We don’t think she’s ready.

A trial run is a good idea as is the choice of home. My MiLwas in a wonderful home. Purpose built. Each room had a living and sleeping end. An ensuite and even a little kitchen. The residents kept their own landline phone numbers. There was a variety of lounges. It was also on a main road with a bus stop right outside. Across the road was a library and a hospital with a few shops. One of the ladies who lived there was a volunteer with the WRVS at the hospital until she was 100. But, it wasn't cheap. As my MiL had lived in a council property most of the cost was paid.
My own mum lived in her own home until she died. She could do all the things you talk about, but she no longer wanted to. She was tired of looking after herself and wanted to be looked after and didn't want the responsibilty of worrying about herself and the house. But as she owned her own house she couldn't have afforded somewhere really nice.
Why don't you have a serious discussion with her about why she wants to move.

I'm guessing that she just wants to move once, not have to move again if she becomes infirm. I think that some places offer two kinds of support, starting with simple sheltered accommodation but with more care available should she need it later.
My mother chose the place she'd like to move to quite early, but sadly died before she needed to leave her own home.

Far better to be proactive rather than reactive !!
My best friend is in a care home and has a small apartment rather than just a room. She can make tea, coffee etc., and still is able to access all of her groups as before but also has company, activities when she chooses.
And at the end of the day it’s her choice !!

Are there no organisations your MIL attends that have volunteers or access to volunteers who would collect and take home after the club? Obviously cost would be involved but sometimes it turns out someone would be passing her house anyway on way to club etc and could pick up. Would taxis be out of question costwise? I can understand the approach of not wanting to move and then perhaps need to move again. Maybe needs to consider it may only be one move, not everyone goes into a care home.your MIL sounds a real livewire and I also understand your concern re deterioration.

Lizbethann55 as she owned her own house she couldn't have afforded somewhere really nice.

Couldn't she sell and live as she wished?

Near here there is a mixed complex where there are flats owned by people and also some supported living flats. They also have a cafe that is open to the public as well. If there is something like that in your area it would provide care if needed and not need to actually move again. I agree it is a good idea to be able to go and try it out and think a fortnight is a good idea. We can all be delighted with somewhere for a couple of days and only notice the disadvantages a bit later. Also try to find somewhere now when it is still sometimes poor weather. Again when the weather is good people tend to be in a better humour and get out more. Having a chance to see how it works on a miserable day is worth while. It is also an opportunity to work out how often you would be likely to visit. So trying to have 2 weeks in the normal way the person would experience it. I am a very independant person and made the hard choice to leave my home for a ground floor flat. Practically it was the best idea, but emotionally very difficult. However I have found ways round things like lack of a large garden, and I am still running my life in my own way, which is the most important thing to me. So your MIL is doing the same , choosing what she thinks will provide her with the best available place where she has the choice, and does not have to worry about being put somewhere she would not like in the future. It is good that you are concerned and caring, but when it comes down to it, we all want to choose our way of life as long as possible. Good luck to her finding somewhere that suits her and hope she is able to keep her independance for years to come

Some care homes have separate apartments where the resident can take as much or as little help as they want and can come and go freely. Cooking facilities are not usually allowed, however your MIL may be able to assist in the kitchen is she wants to.

In any event, there’s nothing to stop her from continuing to go to those groups she wants to / can get to, and indeed the home may facilitate that or at least have a trusted cab firm.

My mother lives in a McCarthy & Stone block and I think they’re great. However at 83 my mum is now infirm and I would dearly love her to accept either in house help or a residential home with an apartment, I’d say let your MIL decide and the help her to achieve her wishes!

A trial run does seem the best way forward . She may hate it and come home to enjoy her independence. She sounds a capable lady but at 92 she is perhaps wondering how much longer that will last. After her practice run in a nursing home she may decide to stay in which case I feel sure you will respect her wishes. It is a dilemma but ultimately her choice. I wish you and your MIL the very best whatever the outcome.

I understand her - I am socially isolated, and it is horrible! I do not think that moving her into sheltered accommodation is a great move, as potentially she would have to move twice!

Why not get someone in to help her out? Take her places and provide some company? Maybe someone older like someone who has kids at school, or someone recently retired with time on their hands?

I do think that a months respite in the care home of her choice is also a good idea, as if the people there are able to debate with her or even have a decent conversation, she will hate it - I would ....

I also think that

Sounds like she'd love it.
A bit of pampering & more choices
There can be lots of interesting people around including of course the lovely staff
Better to move in whilst you are lively & interactive & can build new relationships
Guess it might cost more but the sale of her house will facilitate that.
She sounds amazing xxx

gn38

I'm 85 next month and would imagine your MIL is just plain tired. Old people put on a brave show but behind the scenes everything becomes more and more burdensome and exhausting. I'm in process of selling my home as my husband, 4 years older than me, moved into a Care Home last year after a 2 week trial. He appreciates his regular meals and all the attention which I could no longer give to him. He's no intellectual but enjoys Bingo, Chair Exercises and Music and Movement. There's a lounge, conservatory and large wraparound patio which provide alternatives to his room, easily accessible as he independently uses a frame for walking and makes his own way down to the communal areas dining room included.
I'm left wondering what I'll do - I'm living with my daughter till my house is sold (sale necessitated by funding for husband). Daughter is anxious I stay but I like more independence and feel she should have that too but as she is continually working we hardly fall over each other.
I've looked at several retirement complexes which are tempting with their compact purpose built accommodation. High annual costs are affordable but later selling is a nightmare I believe as also is the problem of selling and getting one's 'stuff' out. Most of mine's in storage now.
Anyway won't bore you Grans further except to say far better to do your moving early (and at 90+ hardly easy) than to wait till one feels incapable which is what happened to my own mother at 86.

I read in your post

"sale necessitated by funding for husband"

Surely not? Were Social Services involved in this decision? If one of you is living at home then they cannot force you to sell up??

If they are, then get some advice - or did he choose to go in?

I think you are right to be concerned, as you would be for any dear relative that was making a life choice that looks inadvisable. I know this is a gloomy thing to say, but might she know something you don't? A diagnosis, perhaps? The suggestions about trying out a home for a few weeks are really sensible.

I agree with previous suggestions to let her have a 5 day to 2 weeks trial. This will give her a good introduction and an idea if it is suitable for her. It might well be that she is getting more tired and frailer than she is letting on.Better to move when she is ready than when something happens and you have no choice. This will give you time to choose the best home for her. with a good room. You can see the facilities and what they provide and let her meet the other residents. Let her keep her options open whilst respecting her wishes. Possibly extra care might help.

It's really difficult as family members get older. Even if they have close and supportive family.
All I can say from personal experience with inlaws , keep as much support from you / family and paid care. Especially, if what you say about her cognitive and physical situation is correct . Most ( not all) people in care homes are failing , albeit slowly . My Mil , felt she was lonely ( although she had 3 - 6 people coming into her home every day, including family twice a day ) . Basically she'd never lived alone , didn't like it and felt vulnerable . She would have liked to come and live with family, however, her son's and other dil didn't want that . I as a widow, with 3 children couldn't support her living with me , however visited, shopped , supported 5 days a week .

It's tough. I support you keeping her in her own home as long as you can .

Especially for her .

Hard choices.

I think it's?really food the your MiL is looking into care homes usually the elderly don't accept that they need the help . Maybe she is lonely ? My mum was in a belong care home after a fall at the same age until she died 4 years later . She used to love chatting with the staff and knew all about their families and holidays . We were glad she had that time being care for and loved visiting her there .

If a care home is willing to take her, as she does sound far too healthy and capable for that to be an option, please give in gracefully.

It is her life. I am 20 years younger than your MIL, but I think I can see her point of view. At 92, no rational person, which she obviously is, can honestly believe that they are going to live much longer, can they?

We all tend to worry a litle or even a lot, as to whether we can make it to the end without too great a loss of dignity, to say nothing of illness and pain.

It sounds to me as if you MIL is tidying up. She sounds like the kind of person who has her will in order and instructions for her funeral written down, and that this is a step towards ensuring her own peace of mind if she is not one of the fortunate few who just go to bed one night and don't waken up again.

Please let her decide how she wants to live this last stage and try to find the courage to ask her what her wishes for the final stage of her life, whether it is long or short, are.

You sound very kind and thoughtful,maybe she has just had enough cooking,cleaning etc.& wants to get rid of most of her stuff now so no future worries.I worked with a lot of elderly people so many have hidden depths,a life time of knowledge &
very good company,your MIL will find who she likes when she moves,good luck.

Care homes typically cost £1000 per week. I know your MIL probably is not concerned about cost, but does she realise that she will likely be self funding if she has no nursing care needs?
Worth pointing out to her...?

Although my mum was highly intelligent and capable right up until she died quite suddenly, it was the responsibility of owning her own home that she found most worrying. She had a great fear of high winds and storms and of losing tiles off the roof. She spent a fortune making sure it was secure, but she didn't sleep on bad nights. She hated having to worry about everything being in good working order. Worrying about getting her heating services. Worried when things broke or didn't work properly. She longed not to have that responsibility. Although she was a brilliant cook and did all her shopping online there were times when she didn't eat or have a drink because she just couldn't be bothered. She had a cleaner because she had always hated housework. She was active in her church which was round the corner. Certainly didn't need a carer or a paid visitor. But she said herself, she just wanted to be looked after and to not have to worry. She was contemplating sheltered accommodation but died before she could decide. Maybe your MiL is just tired of being independent and capable.

My DGM went into sheltered housing in the 1970s and loved it . The was alarms in each room and a warden who answered any calls for help . She also called each resident on the call system every morning to make sure they were ok .
The complex only had about 20 apartments. There was also a large communal lounge and a laundrette .
Once a month the warden put afternoon tea on for the residents and every week my DGM would bake scones and cakes and encouraged all the residents to come down to the lounge to buy a cup of tea and a cake and to play games .
She saved up the proceeds and at Christmas would put on a Christmas party for everyone including elderly people from nearby houses . She had a fabulous life there and remained there until she died 17 years later slagged 85 .
I think it could be perfect for you relative , mixing with new friends without leaving the building !

Aged 85 , not slagged

Cloudscape
At 92 yrs MIL has lived nearly a century! Time is running out for her, so while she is still of sound mind, relatively healthy, active and social she deserves to live her last years the way she wants. She is tired. She has earned it!

She still wants companionship since most or all of her friends have passed. She wants a new life on her terms, and without being a burden on you, (the way I’m reading your post.) That’s very telling and probably true! She needs to be rewarded and respected for that alone. God bless her. 🥰

God bless you too for helping in her transition.
USA Gundy

Trying various options seems the way forward especially care villages or care homes where you can graduate to various levels of care. Care homes get a bad press. They do not all have poor standards. Those are the ones who make the news. Excellent care is not headline news. A dear friend who has recently passed away considered herself fortunate indeed to be cared for, fed well, entertained in a local home. Support your relative in finding what fits for her.

This is a hard one, but I agree a trial stay would be a helpful way forward. My father really needed the support a care home could give him but didn’t want to be there. The staff were brilliant with him but he was very difficult and nasty, on occasion. It caused all sorts of problems because he really couldn’t stay at home even with carers. I would say, if MIL wants to be in a home then have a trial and see how it goes. It’s so much easier on everyone if the elderly person feels a care home is right for them. It’s a very stressful time for everyone.

Sadly I moved into a 'retirement flat for over 55's independant living ' when I returned to the UK ....HOWEVER there are now so many really elderly people moving in (relatives don't want them in a care home as then there would be no money left when they die, and also the possibility the relative would have to pay for the care home !!_ however, there are now so many people living here that are over 80 and having carers in ...this is not what these flats are for, but what can you do ?! there is NO care or social activity here and some elderly with no relatives are simply left on their own 24/7 which is hard when they can no longer go out ...things like day care are no longer available from social services and they are very lonely. There are also new blocks of retirement independent living apartments in our district which are over £400,000 to buy (owned but also leasehold) that do provide (for a fee of £700 plus, per month) plus other charges, maintenance, insurance, paying staff etc ...these charges do include the provision of a cleaner once a week, plus they have a restuarant and activities lounge ...nice for those who can afford it and are not ready for the care home ! but not many people have the sort of money that costs ! i e service charges around £3,000 a year (not including the £700 a month charges), also you have to pay your own council tax, insurance, electricity, etc ) and these are the CHEAPEST range for over 70's available in our area ...which is one of the cheapest areas in the UK ...........impossible !