Fulfilling my mum's expectations

Thank you all for your comments. I have yet to have the talk with mum but feel in a much better place to do this as you have all helped me focus my thoughts. I am not going to go back to being a small child during the discussion but have an adult to adult talk about what I can and cannot offer. Thank you. x

Hope it goes well, Still.
💐

I looked after my elderly Mum for many years, first in her own home and later in mine when she came to live with me. My advice is to set a definite routine and stick to it. I arranged carers and told her firmly this is what is happening. My sibling backed me up and after a time Mum looked forward to the carers coming especially one who came almost daily and who she got to know well. I arranged a home hairdresser for her and several times a week the carers gave her a frozen meal rather than me do the cooking. It worked well really but she could be quite demanding in a subtle way. She's gone now and of course I miss her and think about what else I could have done but I am in my 70s and was too tired to do any more. It definitely affected my health and I am more relaxed now. You need to stand firm about what you can and can't do.

When I read these threads Im glad I was wise enough never to have any children. We dont bring children into the world at their own behest. Rather they are concieved during an act of our pleasure. So I dont believe children owe their parents a duty to look after them in old age, or to sacrifice their lives (and those of their own family) upon the altar of filial devoir.

Op

First - get a calendar and write the current schedule you follow everyday

Count the hours you invest in each bucket- your family, house related, mother related, etc

You will be surprised how little time you invest in yourself

Next:

Get a paper calendar and write the must things you must absolutely to do everyday

Then add 1 hour for you to decompress and relax- at least 3 to 4 times a week

Now make a list of things you would like to do and see how it fits in the schedule - your mother's demands are included here, not in must above

Tell her very clearly what you can do for her, if she complains, too bad so sad

You matter. Don't live your life for others

Do only what you can do happily. Exhausting yourself, being stressed, will only lead to resentment, and that will poison your relationship.

You deserve time for yourself. Make sure, as @Hithere suggested, you put yourself on the calendar.

Had the discussion with mum today. I am proud to say that when she started shouting and flinging accusations, I got up and left. When I got home I phoned her and told her what I could offer and we reached an agreement. I think leaving showed her I was an adult who would not put up with being bullied but would continue to support her.

Well done for staying in control. It sounds like a positive and fair outcome 😊

Well done!

You can't set yourself on fire to keep others warm

Please take time for yourself too

Well done for standing up for yourself!

Well done xx

Still, it would not totally surprise me after you have stuck to this for awhile, she starts taking more interest in the social situations easily available to her.

I just hope that I start off by doing this I'd see family as a loving addition.

You are doing great!

Well done Still. I’ve also done the walking away when being accused of not being good enough. I haven’t had to listen to that for a long while now. Long May it continue.

Get ready for her to "forget" the agreement and push for more