Whether to remove husband from nursing home.

It is a lovely offer but in my opinion could open a minefield. I am with Callistemon every step of the way- I think he should stay where he is.

200 miles is too far away and if you were to become unwell and could not cover that distance? At least he is local and well cared for.

Just to say I agree with everyone else.

you say DSS for for care, with client contributions.
is this local authority.
as there would need to be a new care needs assessment by the new local authority and they may decide on a different, higher client contribution.
also how realistic is the idea of outings to football matches etc.
but i also think you ought to put your husband first, before any child-minding of GC.

I would say don’t move your DH.
200 miles is too far away in the long run. 20 miles, maybe a consideration.
Without wishing to be blunt, it could be that they only see him being his best self. You’re his wife, you know him so well…

and presumably the GC are junior age if they need taking to school, so how appropriate are visits to GF as dementia progresses.
young children may not understand the condition and be confused by seeing GF less able to communicate with them.
for whose benefits are such visits.
i think they could be tailed off.
if he wants to go, and he can be accommodated there, maybe he should have what he wants.
it is a difficult decision.
good luck.

I would say don’t move. He is well looked after and seems happy where he is. You cared for him at home for as long as you could but now he needs complete care which is being well provided where he is. Will he get such good care with the nephew? Plus you will find it difficult to visit. He doesn’t seem unhappy where he is and you have no worries that he is well looked after which is a very important factor.

Greener for your husband, I mean

Everything else is a wonderful castle in the sky
1. Your dh has a degenerative desease that may become unmanageable in a private residence

2. The distance is a deal breaker, honestly - too far

3. What is the timeline for building this annex? Financial arrangements?

4. Your nephew and his wife may have seen the level of care your dh needs now but they most probably have no idea how much, energy and impact in their lives to live like that 24/7

5. Their kids deserve the full attention of their parents

6. Everybody might be willing to help now but for how long

Yoir dh should stay where he is, where they have trained medical personnel 24/7 to take care of him

I am personally baffled moving him was even considered in the first place
Logically makes no sense
Emotionally it may but the impact is too high and too short term

Skye17

Just to say I agree with everyone else.

So do I. 200 miles is a long way especially in the winter months.

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!

You say that your DH is currently, partly LA funded. Would your current LA be willing to fund him even though he has moved out of county for his care. They could say that, as he is living with his family, he is now based in the new LA and must look to them for his fees. Would they grant what his current LA offers?

I canonly reiterate, what I have said before. If you do what is suggested, then you need to have legal advice.

Hithere has put forward a very reasoned argument for him to stay. 20 miles is far enough, 200 miles is too much.

At today's prices, how often could you afford to visit, even visiting weekly would soon take its toll on you. As we are aware the trains do not always run.

I personally think he should stay.

Yoir dh should stay where he is, where they have trained medical personnel 24/7 to take care of him

I agree - one person could not possibly dedicate 24/7 hours to someone whose needs will probably increase, especially if the carer has a home and family, nor does living in an annexe sound suitable.


At least in the present nursing home his needs will be met by staff who are constantly on duty, night and day.

Your husband is currently being looked after in a regulated and inspected care home for 24 hours a day. Safe, secure, well fed, needs met according to his care plan.
You can visit him easily, and regularly, and can monitor him yourself - as he is nearby.
Surely moving him 200miles away would probably be very stressful and upsetting for him and you?
There is no guarantee that a care - package there would be better- most likely not as good. You say it will be a succession of carers doing various visits per day as well as relative’s help.

Even if he does not interact with the other residents in the care home he is safe, can watch what is going on and will build relationships with his carers. He is not lonely.
Living in a small extension 200miles away does not seem to be advantageous in any way for him now, or in the future.
I can see an extension to your relatives house improves their home ( they have future plans already for it). His care also provides employment for a family member but does it really benefit your husband or yourself?

Members of family who are close to him/you should be the ones travelling to see him in my opinion.

My nephew's partner is an experienced carer

There should always be a qualified nurse on duty at the nursing home too.

This is so sad and I really feel for you. My late OH had Parkinsons, latterly with dementia .... very similar to Lewy Body. I also worked for part of my career with people suffering from dementia. And my mother had LBD too.
My experience is that moving people with dementia causes deterioration. With his illness your OH is not capable of making such a major decision and being aware of all the ramifications of this. I am sorry to say that by the time the annexe has been converted, a care package sorted and funding renegotiated he is likely to have had some deterioration.
He has qualified nurses on tap and is in a routine that is working well. I feel sure you should not rock the boat.
The hope that he will be able to go on outings to pub etc is unlikely to come to fruition .... he is already sleeping most of the day and these sort of activities which superficially have appeal will be very stressful for him. I know I tried to organise outings and my poor OH was just wrecked by it all.
Maybe leave him be ... you are nearby and able to visit; he is settled; and his future is so uncertain in terms of deterioration. My mother had LBD and went downhill much more quickly than we had expected.
My heart is with you and I can hear that you feel torn by this offer. But he needs continuity and peace, not a major disruption and the general melee of wider family life which he will find very hard. My OH could barely cope with the GC visiting... it was all too much for him.
Leave him in his peace where you can be with him easily when needed and he has a routine and constant professional input.

If your husband was to move as suggested, what is the timeframe for the adaptations?
Will he able to make such a huge move with all the changes involved in (say) six months time? What do the medical team say/think?

You say that the bedsit will "down the line" be a "teenage" bedsit for your (already) 15 year old great nephew - given that he may well be at university (or other training) in three years, are we thinking of this as a very short-term solution? Is your husband thought to be close to end-of-life? LBD (as you will know) is very different person-to-person. I understand 2-20 years life expectancy from diagnosis so only you and your medicalteam can have any real idea regardinghow much longer your dear husbandwill be with you... The nephew and family are obviously looking beyond the time your husband will be there but is it fair to have the extended family in this awkward situation?

You obviously will travel to see him and say you will see him as often as you do now but his children will not be local and will probably visit less. Will you want to be there more (or less) as this condition progresses?

Will other relatives really want to work, in rotation, from the bedsit to keep him company? Will he know them in six months or will they be a "strange person" and thus scary for him by then. I think this is not at all feasible if you think about it. More is required to work from "home" than just a laptop. You can't be engaged with a relative and focused on work at the same time - especially if they need everything doing for them and want the TV on or radio etc. Working in headphones is possible but not really very nice - and also isolates you from your environment.

I would not want to do this if I was his daughter - and would be unhappy that it had already been discussed with him.
I would definitely talk with your adult children about this suggestion at some length and in detail. I would try really hard to listen even if your heart says to go ahead with the move.

My mother had unrealistic expectations of my father when he was actually very ill. You love him differently to your children and they may be more objective.

I hope that whatever decision you make you are all in agreement and it works out for the best.

Sensible summing up I feel from Hithere

If this was my father I certainly wouldn't want him moved away. 200 miles is a huge distance to negotiate under normal circumstances but if your DH were to be suddenly taken seriously ill and admitted to hospital it would be some considerable time before you could be at his bedside.

None of us are getting any younger and all these relatives (sister, brother and others) that you say are willing to help by WFH etc would be taking on a huge commitment and I would have concerns as to how long they would be prepared to continue as your DH health deteriorates.

The time frame is also a major consideration; has planning permission already been granted? How long will the building extension take? Who will pay for all the specialist equipment, hoists wheelchairs etc?

It is lovely that the nephew would want to do this for your DH but I truly do not believe he has thought this through.

I think you also need to arrange an appointment with your DH doctor to explain the proposal and for his to give his professional opinion.

I have to agree with the majority on here. 200 miles is too far. He seems to be happy and content where he is so why move him?

I am sorry , but I feel it is unrealistic to move your dear very I’ll husband 200 miles by train
Is he very unhappy where he is ?
I’m not sure he would be any happier after being moved , and you will find the travelling to see him very tiring ,
My husband had Parkinson’s and was completely immobile , we managed at home with a carers package , I had my Daughter next door , we built a granny flat and moved , it was only round the corner but the move greatly disturbed him and he died seven months later
The move did make things so much better for myself and the carers but it was an upheaval for him

I see alarm bells on this idea!

why would a nephew (however much he thinks of his uncle) want to do this with his partner! money can be the only reason.. Do Not Do It. is my feeling.

My dear Aunt had this form of Dementia with Parkinsons.
The family tried hard to keep her at home.
However in time as they do, she got worse and was moved into a Nursing home.
My cousins regretted not doing it sooner.
If your DH is cared for, this relieves any stress for you.
Keep the balance for him and you, then the rest of your days together with be happier.

I can only agree with all those saying don't do this. Your nephew's wife may be a carer but she has a teenager and a one year old who would be badly affected by all the care of a very ill person going on around them. I know from much younger people that having to travel to visit parents once a month is exhausting and disruptive, at present you can pop in for a short while, your husband is well cared for and presumably your children content with the arrangements. He is your husband let sleeping dogs lie.

I agree with the majority of views here. The 200 mile distance, which could be very disruptive for your husband and the frequent journey to visit him, whether by road or rail, difficult, due to traffic problems, rail strikes; the loss of permanent nursing care and regular visits by the GP; the LA funding (this would need to be transferred to the new LA, I would imagine),; your nephew’s young children, whose needs change continuously; the legal aspects regarding the home extension. So many reasons why he should stay nearby in a place where he feels safe and well cared for, with frequent visits from you. It is heart warming that you have such a close and caring family, and I am sure you will make the right decision. 💐

Dilemma, I think you have your answer! Has your nephew any idea of the reality of what he is proposing,!?
In my view it is a disaster waiting to happen! You may well be able to visit but 200 miles! You will have no real idea if how things are ,- a preposterous idea. ,- sorry to be so blunt but this plan is wrong on so many fronts .

I’m with the majority in thinking this wouldn’t be a good move. Particularly as you say your husband is currently receiving excellent care and with the added advantage of being local to you and your children.

If your husband is now completely immobile he requires 24hr care by experienced nurses and carers who work as a team. With the best will in the world he won’t receive that level of care by well meaning relatives supplemented by local authority carers popping in and out at sporadic times. I’m so sorry you are facing this situation but I think the proposed plan would quickly unravel.

No disrespect to your nephew but I doubt if he fully understands the intensity of the care your husband requires to keep him comfortable,safe and well. Would it be possible for him to use some of the money he is offering to spend on the building work to fund a part time personal assistant who could take your husband out a couple of times a week to pub, football etc. You would be able to accompany them if you wished and have precious time with your husband while someone fit and able is manoeuvring the wheelchair . He could be taken out in a taxi equipped with a wheelchair ramp.