Whether to remove husband from nursing home.

Honestly if you can’t move with him forget it, 200 miles is too far, if costs are the same why do it in any case. Your nephew either hasn’t thought it through or there is some ulterior motive.

I agree Katie !

I must agree with all the others. There are so many things which could happen, and your husband would be the one most affected.
I see he’s only been in the nursing home since January, and you cared for him at home, so I can see why the idea of him being in a family member’s home rather than ‘ in care’ would seem attractive to you, but would it really benefit him if any of the ‘what ifs’ happened, bearing in mind that ‘down the line’ could be a long way away?

I would find it difficult to travel 200 miles regularly and, as you get older, so might you. My immediate thought is that knowing the care somebody needs and being tied to that care are two completely different things, despite experience as a carer. Managing the staffing for this would be difficult and if your husband gets social care, the SW's would limit the care to the bare minimum and I would be amazed if it would extend to full time care.
The one thing that you might consider, is fighting for Continuing Health Care funding as your husband has a medical condition which requires your husband to need such extensive care. This is not means tested nor would your husband need to make a contribution. Look at the Care to Be Different website if you haven't already done so.

Even if your nephew lived a mile away from you, this is a bad idea

I’m with others here in that it’s a very generous offer but I think he’s better off where he is. I’ve had experience of a relative with this condition and it can deteriorate very quickly, so you may be left in a position where that arrangement would no longer be suitable and you would need to find a good care home - which it sounds as though you already have. I’d leave well alone.

OP I don’t think your nephew knows what he is taking on. I had my dad live with me for three years before he died and he didn’t even have dementia but I regretted the decision very quickly. It really had a negative impact on my day to day life and I ended up resenting him. What seems like a good idea at the time looks very different once it becomes reality. In your shoes I really wouldn’t recommend you do this. People with dementia need a lot of care and what if he ends up in hospital where he is no better off and you won’t be able to visit often?

What about you? Wouldnt you like to return also to your hometown and be near your husband in what may be his last years? You cant be your grandchildrens 'nanny' and carer forever and in this situation its a bit selfish of your AC that they cant just pay a real childminder/nanny to see to their own kids a few days a week now- and let you follow your beloved husband.Yes you would see THEM less instead but surely better that than missing out on your husbands last years?🤔

Absolutely NOT. Even if nephew means well. A proper care home is best with his care

There are so many what ifs here. My daughter got pregnant and spent 8 months in hospital, unable to look after her children or even the baby who remarkably survived the most dangerous pregnancy, for another two years. Totally out of the blue and leaving her permanently disabled. I spent weeks in hospital with two of my children at different times. Illness strikes, accidents happen; we none of us know what’s around the corner and what would either of us have done if we had responsibility for a loved family member requiring 24 hour care.
This suggestion by your nephew Dilemma, however well intentioned, is fraught with danger. My uncle made the decision to bring my disabled widowed grandmother to stay with his family. A lovely extension was duly built with the money acquired by selling her small home. My aunt had little choice in the matter and became full time carer of a cantankerous, demanding, unhappy old lady. At my aunt’s funeral my cousins expressed their anger at how the decision of their father wrecked their mother’s life and led to her early death. A lifelong rift grew between my uncle and his siblings who saw their inheritance disappear into the extension and uncle’s house greatly increase in value. His intentions had been good but led to great unhappiness.

It is a lovely offer and will have been done with the very best of intentions.
However, I know from caring for my own beloved parents, how easily the caring can become a burden and unexpected resentment can set in.
Your poor husband will deteriorate and this can happen quickly. Even the process of moving him could exacerbate his declared.
I would say ,please, leave him where he is...for all your sakes.

Its obviously entirely up to you and your husband, but I strongly think that your husband is better where he is. Apart from anything else, a move 200 miles from you isn’t practical. It could be hugely disorienting and could lead to irreversible deterioration.

I also wonder if your nephew understands the loneliness, problems and real cost of looking after one patient at home? Friends and relatives may promise help, but realistically would they help when help was needed?

I wonder if they are looking at the DSS payments without thinking through all the practicalities? The DSS seems to pay a lot, but it really isn’t a huge amount and could be swallowed up by expenses which might lead to resentment.

My father recently moved into a care home because his condition has severely deteriorated. It’s better for him in most ways and also for us in almost every way. There are residents and others around to talk to, plus some activities, and wonderful staff who do their work, and who can then go home to relax and de-stress. Something that family members often find more difficult to do at home.

I had cared for dad, half time with my brother, for several years previous to this. It was very hard and I wouldn’t advise it for anyone.

Hope that whatever you and your husband decide works well 🌷

Take note of the overwhelming advice to NOT do this. It would be different if his care where he is now was not good but you say yourself that it is excellent and you and the grandchildren are nearby. I too would question why your nephew wants to do this, it could indeed put an awful stress on their marriage when your husband eventually deteriorates, sad as this is to articulate. Moving to another health authority could be fraught with problems; many families with similar problems to yours would love to be in the position you are in with no money worries, excellent care home and family nearby. Please don't do this.

Hi … what a generous thing to offer! Though I have to agree with the other Gransnetters, probably best to leave well enough alone. Your husband’s condition is bound to change as the disease progresses, and to need more care - night and day - and if your nephew’s wife, as the main carer, has a 1 year old to look after already, how could she give quality time to both? What if the baby gets ill? Even with outside carers coming in (and no guarantee it will be the same carers all the time) it will a nightmare to oversee. Don’t let your darling husband go 200 miles away!

It is a lovely offer but is it practical for 52 weeks of the year? travelling in the winter may not be possible

are you content visiting once a week or less ?

What if nephew changes jobs or marriage goes pear shaped and he needs to move? My DM thought about moving 250miles to be closer to my sister who lived in a cheaper housing area. Luckily she didn't as less than a year later my sister's marriage collapsed. She moved to be near our DM so she could work and DM look after the children.

It's very easy to be judgemental when you're on the outside looking in, but you have asked for Gransnets opinions and mine is that I think you should leave your husband where he is. I know Lewy Bodies dementia is a particularly horrid disease which can change very quickly.
My mother had Alzheimer's and was in a dementia home for the last 6 months of her life as the disease became unmanageable at home (by me who had given up work to care for her). Even though she lived close to me in the home things changed rapidly with her health and I would get calls to say the doctor had been called/ambulance etc.
I would have hated to have lived any further away from her than I did
Good Luck in whatever you decide.

I am in the other camp. My mother has dementia, first stages. If your husband will have a better quality of life and be happier then go for it. It’s not about you, it’s about him. Although, do they know how much work it will take to get him ready to go out anywhere and that he may change his mind and want to go back. Are they happy to do personal care? How wonderful to have a family that cares so much. I would say yes if my husband would benefit from it.

Stay put.

It’s a lot got one family to take on especially if there is a baby involved. 4 visits a day will take 2 hours out of his day with 22 left.
Really find this offer given the amount of work strange because it will be basically down to them.
My reservation would be they change their minds after a short period and you will then habe to find somewhere else.
The reason for care homes is because there are 3 shifts of staff to look after one patient not one or two people struggling on their own to cope with 24 hour care. You will be so far away so can’t pop in.
As a retired SW/care Manager I. Suggest you take time to think very carefully about this.
Sending best wishes to you both .

No I wouldn’t do it, my father had Alzheimer’s / vascular dementia and I know it’s not Lewy bodies but I know how quick these things can progress , I looked after my father for years before he went into a home I wouldn’t have moved him back. As I would be looking a bit further ahead thinking what happens in an energy I think they need their routine and to take him out could confuse him

I would think very carefullly indeed in your position. An alarm bell rang in my head when I read that this is your nephew's suggestion rather than his wife's as she will be the one who will be providing the actual care.

Another one went off when I read that this couple have two fifteen year old children and a third at the distance between your home and theirs and that you, being involved in day-care of grandchildren, won't be moving with your husband.

Before you decide anything at all, do please decide what you will all do if this scheme is implemated and doesn't work out, or if your nephew gets a new job, which requires his family moving, or if he and his wife decide to have another baby "before closing time".

You apparently have a good care home involved right now, and it may not provide all the mental stimulation your husband would like, but can not you and your adult children provide that?

I frankly feel that an illness of this kind necessitates professional care from carers who are not emotionally involved with the client.

I am not doubting that your nephew's wife has all the necessary professional qualifications, but she is your and more importantly your husband's niece by marriage.

Does he really want to have his bottom wiped by a relative by marriage?

I may be prudish, but to me there is a great difference between an unrelated professional emptying bedpans or changing nappies should I come to need them, than a relative doing it.

Sorry, I misread your post and thought your nephew had two 15 year olds. With a baby of one in the household the matter is completely different and frankly unworkable I would think.

Dilemmaa, I am very sorry for the sad situation that you and your DH are in. I've had two (separate) close family members who had dementia and needed to go into care homes, when we lived far away, so I can appreciate something of your situation. As most GNs here advise, I would not move my DH elsewhere. IMO many good reasons for this have already been cited by GNs here, so I won't add anything, other than to recommend a book which we (our family) found to be helpful. This is "Contented Dementia" by Oliver James, who writes about his wife, her diagnosis, and caring for her. (Other, similar, publications are available.) Wishing you as positive resolution as is possible, in your situation.

I think you could focus on days out from his current home

Surely that will provide him with a more stimulating environment and sense of being involved without the disruption?