Whether to remove husband from nursing home.

You do not move an old tree

And might that small space might have to include a loo and shower? If not now, at some point might your husband need the room to also accommodate a hoist, making it even more crowded. And there has to be room for carers to work.

I would expect the single skin walls to be insulated and lined, and heating and lighting added, thus making the space even smaller. Would he really be happy being confined to such a space?

I agree with cocopops.

I am of course prepared to acknowledge that your nephew does not have an ulterior motive. That said I fail to understand how you can contemplate this proposal!!!! He is in a nursing home that you are happy with , you don't have the 24 hour stress of giving him both physically and emotional support , what in earth are you thinking about!!!!!! Do you rest want him 200 miles away? Your nephews wife will have the bulk of his care on her shoulders - WHAT!? I am not convinced we have the full story - I get that , it's none of our business!! but on the face of things this is a barmy idea. It is so bizarre I can scarcely believe it !! ?? No No No No. Please don't do this .

I want to flag up again the idea of improving your husband's quality of life whilst staying put at the current home where he is otherwise settled.

Someone earlier suggested an adapted Kangaroo. I'd look to hiring an adapted vehicle first to see how excursions go - and then - fingers crossed, looking at purchase if they go well.

It may be that his own adult children would actually like to help with days (or half-days) out now and again if he was able to enjoy them and was local.

Someone also suggested hiring help on an outing-by-outing basis - which sounds like a good option.

There may also be a charity offering this.

. ‘Your husbands Dementia is a viscious one that develops into severe hallucinations and nightmares 99% of the time’

I do know that the Lewy bodies present in this type of dementia can cause hallucination or sleep disturbance, but isn’t this rather an inaccurate description, which could be alarming for anyone affected?

I would also like to add to thr voices of 'Leave him where he is'
I speak with experience of having to deal with dementia in a close family membetr. What you have to realise is that a move could be highly traumatic for your husband, no matter how much he seems to be 'For' the idea. It would be very hard for him to be in unfamiliar surroundings.Things can advance very quickly and without sounding horrible, things could take a turn for the worse straight away.I just think you would be much better keeping him where he is as you seem happy with the care he is getting.
If someone became ill themselves in your nephew's family, they wouldn't have the emotional space to then care for your DH as well so he'd possibly have to be uprooted again.
Good luck with whatever you decide, it's never easy.

Sadly it is a form of dementia that involves hallucinations and awful aggression. My neighbour’s husband has been sectioned twice because of it.

This was a reply to Daddima… sorry it didn’t include the quote.

Update & clarification:-
Family meeting arranged for next weekend, after which I may be able to sleep again...

My nephew did not know his cousins were away when he made his offer - I was visiting my extended family for a few days. He is not "trying it on" as some have suggested.

The proposed building has been built with 3 double skinned, insulated walls (above building regs standards), full width privacy glass bifold doors to 4th side and a pitched roof which will also be fully insulated, as is the floor. The internal dimensions are 5.5m x 5.5m = 30.25 sq.m. which is bigger than many studio apartments and some 1 bed flats. My husband would have more room than he has in the nursing home and country views through the bifolds, if he were to move.

Thank you all for your input - I will let you all know what we decide in due course.

Thank you for your update, Dilemma. I know it won't be easy making a decision because we all want the absolute best for our loved ones and there are just so many variables to take into account. Good luck.

what about night-time supervision, would there be a camera, would a person be able to check on him, come to him if necessary in middle of night.

Is there anything else behind this change? Apart from what your dh thinks he likes?

It is extremely unusual that almost all posters (all but one) agree it is a bad idea

This makes no sense at all unless we are missing info - plus OP is very much for this

I posted much earlier on this thread, but now think the OP is already convinced that the move will be a good one and is looking for validation. Every time a raft of posts advising again the move appears, she posts a counter-argument.
At the end of the day, it’s her choice (as her DH will soon be unable to make any decisions) and rests between her God and her conscience. Perhaps she might appear years hence, asking for more input over an impossible situation.

Sorry to say, but I think the OP is ‘flogging a dead horse now’.

Ali23

This was a reply to Daddima… sorry it didn’t include the quote.

Thanks for replying. I just felt that saying it became as severe as you said ‘99% of the time’ might have been alarming for some people living with a Lewy bodies diagnosis. It is indeed a horrible illness.

How could you even contemplate a 200 mile journey in order to visit him! I take it that it’s a round trip of 400 miles there and back. It just doesn’t add up you say you’d stay behind to help out with school runs, but you wouldn’t have any time for that with all the travel.

I have read all replies and my mind is not made up (or I wouldn't have asked for opinions in the first place). I have LPA (set up during Covid) but always consult our two children over major decisions like this and we will all abide by a majority decision if we cannot agree.
My revisits have been to clarify misconceptions in some replies.

Dh is in a nursing home and I am wondering if they have any activities or entertainments for the residents,. It may be very professionally run but is the atmosphere perhaps a little sterile? Perhaps this is not the right nursing home for dh, and if so you might want to consider a different nursing home and perhaps closer to you again. That is another option.

Often people with dementia do say they want to go home even where that is not practical or possible.

My poor husband kept asking to go home , even though he was sitting in the living room , I used to wheel his chair out of the room accross the hall to his bedroom , or vice Verda if we were in the bedroom , it sometimes settled him

aggie my aunt was like that when she first moved into a nursing home but in time used to say she wanted to go home "by Christmas" or "when it's warmer" or "when I get some new boots" or similar.
If I'd asked her if she wanted to come and live with me I'm pretty sure she would have said yes though.

Is your husband regularly raising the subject of the (possible) move?

Are your adult children aware of the subject of the family meeting arranged for the weekend?

I assume you won't have your nephew there at the time and that by "family" you mean you and your adult children?

Georgesgran, I agree wholeheartedly with your post.

I cannot image why anyone would wish to send their severely ill husband two hundred miles away to live in a converted garage dependent on the care and support of 'an 'experienced carer' and relatives who work from home therefore can pop in, (really?) when said husband is in an excellent nursing home with 24 hour care and qualified medical staff in attendance, plus daily visits from his wife.

As for a 400 mile round trip every weekend, when the husband will be asleep much of the time, again, totally impractical. I drove 370 miles round trips for ten years to visit my parents sometimes twice a month but more frequently once, and it was exhausting with a full time job and two teenagers. It was a relief in their later years to know at least they were safe, warm and medically cared for in an excellent Nursing Home.
Of course, it took all their money.
Is this an issue?

25Avalon

Dh is in a nursing home and I am wondering if they have any activities or entertainments for the residents,. It may be very professionally run but is the atmosphere perhaps a little sterile? Perhaps this is not the right nursing home for dh, and if so you might want to consider a different nursing home and perhaps closer to you again. That is another option.

Often people with dementia do say they want to go home even where that is not practical or possible.

The Bodach constantly wanted to go home, often getting up and dressed in the night. He was usually pacified by telling him we would go in the morning.
Developments such as this could be very demanding on a family, especially with young children

Family meeting has now taken place - just my son, daughter & myself. Neither "child" nor myself (after a lot of soul searching) in favour of moving their Dad for many of the reasons expressed here so he will be staying in his care home. We will try to arrange more outings with my husband - to the pub or nearby parks and historic monuments which he will enjoy. These may involve local trains or buses (do-able with two people to help) or wheelchair taxis.
My son is also going to sort Sky tv for his Dad to increase his access to sport on tv, especially football & the cricket World Cup.
I still need to tell my nephew our decision - phone call tonight after the baby is asleep. Then I hope to get my first decent night's sleep for a fortnight.
Thank you all for your responses.

Thanks for the update!

Thanks from me too. It seems your husband’s quality of life will be greatly enhanced with the trips and Sky, and it will be so much easier for you as well as knowing he has good professional care.💐

It must be a relief to have a decision made, Dilemma especially with everyone on board.