Should I have my husband at home or in a care home ?

Lots of experience shared here. I coped with late DH’s declining health (Parkinson’s) for longer than I should have done, but in the end he spent the last seven weeks of his life in an excellent local nursing home when it was no longer safe at home. For that few weeks I was able to remember that I was a wife and not a carer, spared all the distressing personal care and the huge responsibility of 24 hour care. Although DH would have preferred to stay at home I am sure it was the right thing and have no guilt about my decision. At £1200 a week it wasn’t exactly a cheap option, but still feels right.

I doubt anyone will find a hoist in the kitchen suitable.

The hoist needs to be so placed that it can be used to tranfer your husband from his bed which if carers are involved will have to be a hospital bed to the shower and toilet.

No-one would contemplate either a commode or bed-pans being used in a kitchen!

Ideally, your husband needs a bedroom with adjacent shower, hand-basin and toilet in a room that has a wide enough door for a wheel-chair to be used, if and when one becomes applicable, His bathroom must also be large enough for whoever helps him to shower to do so without getting soaked themselves. The toilet seat will probably need to be raised and hand-holds drilled into place in the walls on either side of the toilet and shower.

Not living in the UK, I do not know if you can get any financial help for all these facilities.

You cannot care for your husband without carers coming in - n o-one can and do not let social services palm you off with suggesting that your adult children or other relatives help.

No-one who is not a trained nurse or carer should risk trying to move a handicapped and possible heavy person - you can hurt both your husband and yourself seriously unless you know exactly what you are doing.

And you really will be even more in Queer street than you are now if you damage your back or rupture yourself trying to move your husband.

I realise this sounds harsh, but the reality is harsh.

I am sincerely sorry you are in this horrible position, but as your house is not suitable for an invalid, you probably will find that carers neither can nor will be sent in.

Please do not feel guilty. You are not forcing your husband into a nursing home and you did not cause his accident. It happened, and as the hospital does not think rehab is an option and have apparently not felt physiotherapy was applicable either, I am very much afraid you have no choice here and that a care home is the only option right now.

What kind of prognosis are his doctors talking about? Is his mobility likely to increase? Will rehab or more physiotherapy become applicable soon, or not?

Have you insisted on a second opinion? It might be well, for your own peace of mind to do so.

If your husband is not able to comprehend the seriousness of his situation, or even the reality of it, then you and your children will have to assume the responsibility for making a very tough decision.

I hope you can find a doctor or other medical professional person who can and will help you decide what is best for your husband, which is obviously your first priority, and what is necessary for you to be able to continue living a reasonable life in harsh circumstances, You really must consider yourself as well as him.

If the cost of a permanent care home is too high, and there is no possiblity of your husband being able to return home, now or later, you may need to consider selling your home and finding a small flat for yourself if by doing so you can better cope with the care home fees. Not something you want to do, I know, but it might be well to consider it, while looking at your options.

I would say card home is the safest option for you both.
Good luck with Social services and Age Concern, etc …take all
Help offered.
Maybe assistance varies area to area - we in the South (near Heathrow ) have not been very fortunate - long waiting lists and help advised that we could access then denied💔

Care home obvs sorry for my rushed post!

I worry about your health,when I was working I had quite a few older patients who were absolutely worn out trying to do all the household jobs & caring for their partner,definitely discuss this with friends & family.

What grandtate said

As sad as it is I think he should go into a care home my sister looked after her husband in a similar situation and was in her fifties its one of the hardest things to do and will exhaust you

I am going to go against the majority, and say find a lovely care home and help him settle there

In the right home they will be happy to have some bits and pieces of small furniture there that are special to your husband.
I watched my mother run herself into the ground struggling to care for my father at home---and that was with carers coming in daily.
They were never there long enough to give her a break, and she almost became a prisoner in her own home as ahe felt that she couldn't leave him.
She never slept well incase he needed something in the night.
In a care home there will be staff on hand day and night.

I know that marriage vows say in sickness and in health, but you will not be abandoning hom, just giving him the chance of excellent care. and yourself the opportunity to live a real life.
BTW when my father died the staff all wanted to come yo the funeral, they felt like members of our extended family

Bed sores are also no joke

Are you able to keep moving him every few hours to avoid those?

Before any talk about going home happens, the Occ Health Team will visit to see if your property can be made adequate for your husband's needs. There are grants available to help do this too.

Why the kitchen? Don't you have a sitting room. I cared for DH for 4 months before he had to be admitted to hospital for pain control. The house was assessed for suitability for his return and it was the sitting room deemed to be able to take a bed and other equipment. Downstairs toiket woukd be okay if mobile but in reality I felt this was unsuirable so commode would be needed. Washing these days is done with special tea towel sized wipes even in hospital if person is immobile. My husband never returned home, died in hospital. The hoist can be operated by one but professionals have their safeguarding rules so two always needed. There are a lot of add ons for a person to be cared for at home: all the extra washing, often medication is geared around befire or after mealtimes, do you go shopping, how do you feel about leaving your DH alone when you go out. Your own health issues, will they too worsen. You don't mention a prognosis. If this is short tgen perhaps you coukd manage for a few months but if extended it will be very demanding. No matter what you decide you will feel guilty, sadly there is no easy way to make the right decision. Speak with your family, they will have a view, not only of their Dad but of you too.

I suggest you transfer him to a care home that can cope and then visit him for lengthy periods of time and watch. See what is needed to care for him. Could you do that? 4 x a day care is a very few minutes each time. The main thrust of responsibility will be yours. You need to know what is needed and you may simply not be able to manage. Whilst you live in the marital home that can’t be used to pay for the care home. Only your husbands share of your joint funds or funds in his name can be used. When that is reduced to ? £23k roughly , your county council will do a financial assessment and should start helping him pay. I hope this helps. Don’t take on any care now. It’s very hard to relinquish care once you have taken it on.

I'm slightly confused as to why, if at home, he would need to have a bed etc in the kitchen?
Is it a kitchen/dining/sitting room?

My friend had a tiny terraced house but her husband came home to the sitting room as they had two downstairs rooms.
Manoeuvring him upstairs would have been very difficult as the stairs were terribly steep and narrow.

If my husband was alive I would have him home unless doubly incontinent. It’s a no brainer. You are lucky to have him

I am not suggesting you should have him at home - someone earlier said why not upstairs... I think down is easier in terms of keeping an eye on someone to be honest.

I would get all the info on all options before I decided.
And I'd find out how difficult it would be to rearrange if I'd made a mistake!

I was POA for a friend in an extra care facility. Own flat but purpose built with in-house carers. He paid his own way and his care came to about 40k annually. He sold his house and chose this option. He was profoundly disabled by a stroke.
The 4 daily visits by carers is not written in stone. If you pay you can have as many visits a you wish.
When looking at house modifications before the move to the flat I was keen on a lift through the living room floor up to a bedroom and a power chair thus affording access to the whole house.
It took a while to decide what was best and he had the 6 weeks free convalescence whilst his friends and I researched options. He was single so financial criteria are different ref costs.
His flat was big enough for 2. He rented it at circa £1200 monthly.
Such an awful time - so sad.

Mum was treated for cancer, first we went the come home 'I'll manage'...meaning me...A few months later she had to have an operation, and I insisted she went into a home. They said Mum was doing well, but I was near a breakdown - I never had a day or even an hour off, never saw my husband or children, ended up cooking because she wouldn't eat the meals supplied.

It was hard seeing her in a home, but it got to the point that my health had to take priority. Sadly after an unnoticed infection, Mum died 2 months later, and almost 4 years later my health is almost back to normal...

Think about your health...carers are mostly great people, but occasionally they just don't turn up, or do as expected, leaving you to do it. I don't know you, but I would recommend a home - after a few weeks you won't need to visit daily as he'll make connections there x Good luck

I suspect you are looking for someone to give you a straight answer, I’m quite prepared to do that!
Having your husband home will be a 24/7 & 365 days per year responsibility it will be extremely hard work for you and at 82 I think you require a quality of life in your twilight years.
I would 100% advise you to take the care home option right from the start, once your husband is at home - classed as a safe environment- the transition to a home will take much longer, you will be on your knees and be in a very low mood & place.
Your husband will be safe in a home, cared for by professionals, whilst you will remain in good health, fit enough to visit, will maintain a loving relationship and enjoy your life in a different way.

Nannipocci1, doubly incontinent is much easier to deal with than immobility. I know this from experience as I have been in a position twice when I have had to deal with double incontinence. The first time I struggled through with the mobility problems but I was 15 years younger with 2 strong sons and a strong husband to help. Recently with my mother, it was just beyond us.
It is not lucky to watch a loved one fade before your eyes. Obviously when you have lost someone it may seem like that but it can be that you have actually lost the person you loved but they are still alive. That is painful and nearly kills you if you are doing the caring.

Speaking as a 24/7 carer for my husband my advice would be get him a care home His care will be better and your health won't be as badly impacted Social care at home can be patchy and because you are there you will be left to do it when the care company can't fulfill the calls

Notjustaprettyface - so sorry for your predicament. My thoughts after having nursed my mother who became disabled and then developed dementia: if your husband is fully with it, you must ask for his thoughts as he is entitled to remain in his own home as long as he doesn't expect you to be his full-time carer. If he chooses to do that, consider where you spend most of your time and whether you want him around you if it's in the kitchen or living room. Practically you only want one hoist in the house so you need to seriously contemplate the fact that whichever room the disability equipment is in, might be his four walls for as long as he lives or remains immobile. Carers visiting four times a day doesn't mean that your house will not be your own. You can work with the carers to create boundaries. You will be glad of them especially regarding the toileting. How physically strong are you? Are you capable of hoisting your husband if he needs the toilet and the carers aren't there? if your husband has to be hoisted this is a two-person job so you may need to enlist the/ help of n adult child or even a neighbour. Can you do that? the practicalities will eventually dictate whether your husband has to go into a care home. Good luck.

Call the fire brigade if people get stuck somewhere eg in the bath, as above. They are usually not busy at all and come really quickly.

fluttERBY123

Call the fire brigade if people get stuck somewhere eg in the bath, as above. They are usually not busy at all and come really quickly.

This isn't their job and some areas will direct you to the ambulance service where you can wait all night or the responder service will come to check you aren't in danger and then you wait for an ambulance. Also, if somebody has a fire you could be putting their life at risk because the nearest pump is attending something which isn't life threatening.

Nannipoccil
He is doubly incontinent

Thank you all for all your thoughts and advice etc
I think the overall opinion tends to be in favour of a care home
My adult children wouldn’t or couldn’t help much if he came home : they have busy lives with very young children
However , I am already feeling a slight pressure from my son to have dad back home …
I think that maybe he will need to read all your comments too
I am more worried about my husband being unhappy in a care home but several of you have had very encouraging words about that from their own experiences
Thank you all again and I will reread everything again