Unpaid carers

He is a burden if it's too much for you to manage with your own ill health. You have to put yourself first, you may feel guilty thinking of it that way but you shouldn't. A burden simply means a heavy load. You should discuss with your siblings how to go forward, your father must not have any say in your decisions regarding his care. Appy for any benefits he is entitled to, to pay for any care, whether that's a family member or not, but consider your own health before his needs. Good Luck.

Goodness me, we are years younger than your father and have a cleaner and a gardener, we also order our food online if neither feel up to going round the supermarket due to health issues. Caring for my lovely mum wore me out and I could never go there with our children. Your dad sounds lonely and clings to you all for company, he is a great age so probably wouldn't want to move into sheltered accommodation where he would have other people about. You need to insist on more help and cut back a little on how available you are. Surely he doesn't expect you to sit all day and look at him?

Carers Allowance doesn't apply to the elderly its Attendance Allowance. Apply for Attendance Allowance at the very least. He will have to do it. Its not means tested. It won't really help with you and your siblings health though.

Twig14

Sorry you are struggling but I understand I did the same for both my parents until my DF passed during Covid but until my DM went into a care home did same for her. I’m in my late 77s gave up so much of my time to care for them and now my DH and I have more time for ourselves he’s been diagnosed with cancer. Please get some help because you need it. Your DF has to realise that you can’t be there all the time and that you are not getting any younger. Even now I’m going up n down to the Care Home to visit my DM. I guess you feel guilty but trust me don’t look after yourself as well. Take care

Twig14



I wish your DH the best possible outcome.

It's a salutary lesson isn't it - our lives are passing by so quickly and we have to make time for ourselves.

You will obviously want to visit your DM, but I hope you are pacing yourself and having some quality time with your DH. And a little time for yourself to just "stand and stare" (what is this life - if, full of care - we have no time to stand and stare?).

You all need to talk to your DF explaining you can't keep up all the time and effort he needs. Even if you can get him to accept carers for say 3 days a week that woukd help you a but. The local authority Social Care team could also be involved. Would he accept/is he able to go out with a carer to a club for a few hours a week.May help distract him from his demands on you and family. Difficult for you but 6 do need to make sure you are looking after yourself.

MaggsMcG

Carers Allowance doesn't apply to the elderly its Attendance Allowance. Apply for Attendance Allowance at the very least. He will have to do it. Its not means tested. It won't really help with you and your siblings health though.

You are referring to two different things here. Carers allowance if for the carer and therefore the carer applies. Attendance allowance is for the cared for and therefore the cared for applies. The AA can be spent on carers of course, but that is totally up to the cared for.

greenlady102

welbeck

but OP you talk as if you are a soldier under orders.
you don't have to do any of it.
you don't need his permission to withdraw your labour.
you are in charge of your own life.
this is an unhealthy dynamic.

This, you need to jointly pull up your big girl knickers and put your feet down.

Agreed.

And dont expect him to be reasonable.

I think Carer’s Allowance isn’t paid when the Carer becomes eligible for DWP, if that exceeds the amount the Carer would receive?

Carer's Allowance is an 'income replacement' payment to people who have had to give up paid work to look after a relative. State pension is also regarded as 'income replacement' so if you're in receipt of the pension, you cannot claim Carer's Allowance.

To claim Carer’s Allowance, the person you are caring for, for at least 35 hours per week, must be in receipt of Attendance Allowance (or PIP or DLA. ).

After my stepdad went into a care home due to dementia my mother got even more demanding. Ringing me up to 10 times a day. She was then diagnosed with dementia and looking after her became a nightmare. She was constantly falling, luckily she had carers initially one visit a day increasing to two a day who sometimes found her on the floor after a fall. She had a pendant for carecall but had forgotten to use it. She would be taken off to hospital but then sent home again. Social services said she wasn’t eligible for a care home. After a really bad fall, the day after she’d been sent home from hospital the social worker agreed that she was eligible after all. The care home staff are lovely and take very good care of her despite her horrible temper. The manager stops her constantly ringing me. I now have terminal cancer and spend a lot of time at the hospital. Mum doesn’t really understand and thinks I’m cured. She’s constantly asking to come to live with me and my husband!

PS during COVID I did my mother and stepfathers online shopping. His daughters didn’t do anything. In May 2021 I was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer (leiomyosarcoma) but was still at their beck and call. I have POA for my mother and have to take responsibility for everything except having to look after her. I’m going to put my eldest daughter on the POA soon in case she outlives me. She’s 90 and I’m 64

My mother not my daughter 😂