Jeremy vine radio - carers item

Never pay for a carers card, contact your LA and sign up for support with their carers organisation they will send you one as well as their newsletter and ongoing support.. Register with your GP as a carer and also your mother's GP. as others have said get POA in order both for health and finance. Has your mother done a will? A contingency plan and an end of life plan about her wishes. This is such easy to talk about now than it is when things are deteriorating fast.
Caring is emotionally hard as well as physical, so being kind to yourself is essential. Wendy Mitchell has written many good books, my favourite being One last Thing, I highly recommend it. You can go to the library who have a section of books about caring, all good reading. A carers group is worth gold (I run one) and hear all the time how the carers do now know what they would do without it) I walk along the carers to the end and beyond and we meet every week. Your LA will signpost you.
Hope you will be able to look back on your caring time thinking I did my best at the time, and that is all anyone can do. Our motto is "No-one understands a carer better than another carer" which is so true. To have an outsider who understands, to offload on, is worth everything. Carers UK have a brilliant website as have Dementia UK if your mother has dementia. Good luck.

Not sure if this is ok, but there’s an excellent page on Facebook called Carents Lounge. Not only are the members extremely supportive but between them there is a wealth of knowledge.

I could cry when I read all these posts, I am there helping mum look after a dad with Alzheimer’s, I love him loads, but he’s a shell of a man, I have started to pray every night for him to die.
He has been in care but mum has taken him home. She doesn’t want last of their savings to go on care homes that really don’t give a dam- apart from printing money. I have worked in private & s/s homes, I know how they tick. Great homes are few & far between.

It’s easy to keep saying look after yourself, make time for yourself, how?
I have my own husband & home to look after- I hardly see my grandchild!
It is taking its toll on my relationship but I feel beholden to my mum who uses emotional blackmail.
If the money & house go, so be it!
The way I feel I could walk under a bus- I don’t give a shit anymore.
This government needs to sort out the social care problem pronto! It’s not fair that someone who hasn’t worked, saved, gets it all for free.

win

Never pay for a carers card, contact your LA and sign up for support with their carers organisation they will send you one as well as their newsletter and ongoing support.. Register with your GP as a carer and also your mother's GP. as others have said get POA in order both for health and finance. Has your mother done a will? A contingency plan and an end of life plan about her wishes. This is such easy to talk about now than it is when things are deteriorating fast.
Caring is emotionally hard as well as physical, so being kind to yourself is essential. Wendy Mitchell has written many good books, my favourite being One last Thing, I highly recommend it. You can go to the library who have a section of books about caring, all good reading. A carers group is worth gold (I run one) and hear all the time how the carers do now know what they would do without it) I walk along the carers to the end and beyond and we meet every week. Your LA will signpost you.
Hope you will be able to look back on your caring time thinking I did my best at the time, and that is all anyone can do. Our motto is "No-one understands a carer better than another carer" which is so true. To have an outsider who understands, to offload on, is worth everything. Carers UK have a brilliant website as have Dementia UK if your mother has dementia. Good luck.

Aye- if we aren’t all six feet under ourselves through the stress

Mt61, I am so sorry you are in this position. It is enormously stressful but you have to put you first. It is extraordinarily hard to tell a manipulative parent, "No," but in the end, you just have to. After all, if you fold under the stress, you won't be around for your Mum to have any sort of help at all. If you can help your Mum to get an alternative carer help in place, it should give you breathing space.
It is terribly hard to stop someone using emotional blackmail so the only thing you can do in those circumstances is to use the word no and keep telling yourself you are standing firm for the right reasons. I had a Mum who had a Doctorate in manipulative behaviour! Maybe the people who feel side lined by the amount of time you spend helping your Mum could support you to stand firm. My husband really helped by reminding me that I had a life too.
I say the same prayers as you sometimes. It makes me feel bad but Alzheimers is just a vicious disease and I am praying as much for the sufferer than me.
Finally, maybe see your GP. You sound so stressed and depressed that maybe you need some help.

I’ve already said to my two adult children that I will be selfish and difficult in later life so they are to ignore it and ensure they live their own lives too. I would hate them to give up their lives for me. My mother who died aged 100 expected it but she didn’t get it. I looked after her, ensured she was safe and warm and fed, and then left her alone. She had access to other company in the retirement home - her choice not to use it. I had access via third party to her bank account and used it to buy in chiropodists and other services. The guilt was massive at times but I reminded myself that when my kids were little mum disappeared on tons of holidays and didn’t help unless it fitted in with her life. I’m glad she did that!!! She had a great life. I deserved the same. She’s gone now and I forget the hard bits. She was a laugh and had a good life. I celebrate that and am glad I kept my boundaries.

icanhandthemback

*Mt61*, I am so sorry you are in this position. It is enormously stressful but you have to put you first. It is extraordinarily hard to tell a manipulative parent, "No," but in the end, you just have to. After all, if you fold under the stress, you won't be around for your Mum to have any sort of help at all. If you can help your Mum to get an alternative carer help in place, it should give you breathing space.
It is terribly hard to stop someone using emotional blackmail so the only thing you can do in those circumstances is to use the word no and keep telling yourself you are standing firm for the right reasons. I had a Mum who had a Doctorate in manipulative behaviour! Maybe the people who feel side lined by the amount of time you spend helping your Mum could support you to stand firm. My husband really helped by reminding me that I had a life too.
I say the same prayers as you sometimes. It makes me feel bad but Alzheimers is just a vicious disease and I am praying as much for the sufferer than me.
Finally, maybe see your GP. You sound so stressed and depressed that maybe you need some help.

Thank you. We had a care package but they didn’t do too much & not worth the money in my opinion, she might as well save the money & put him in respite often. There are other family members but do nothing.
I am already on antidepressants- gps dont want to know- they are under their own stresses.
I had a rant because it was my sixth time having to get up & go downstairs- I can’t manage as I need a knee replacement.
Yes something is going give for sure.

It’s about 30 years ago but my late MIL had no time for anyone who wasn’t related to her. After a stroke she went to a rehab unit for a while. One day when I was visiting she was asked to go to the kitchen to practise making a cup of tea and a sandwich. She refused saying “ No I have a daughter for that.” She did eventually manage in a warden assisted flat but it was a struggle for us all. I and her 2 daughters were all working and she knew that we were all very dependent on our earnings. She ended her life in a care home when she genuinely couldn’t manage alone and then was very happy to accept the help of “strangers.”

Mt61, we didn't use the care package staff as there was so much they couldn't/wouldn't/ didn't have the time for. We used care staff we sourced and paid them through an external accountant which meant we didn't have the responsibility for PAYE. It was a game changer. Continuity, times to suit us not the care agency and support for my mother's partner too when he was struggling. It may be worth a look at.

icanhandthemback

*Mt61*, we didn't use the care package staff as there was so much they couldn't/wouldn't/ didn't have the time for. We used care staff we sourced and paid them through an external accountant which meant we didn't have the responsibility for PAYE. It was a game changer. Continuity, times to suit us not the care agency and support for my mother's partner too when he was struggling. It may be worth a look at.

Do you mean a private carer, like private cleaners, they sort their own taxes?

After a major operation and 18 days in hospital, my DS put in place a 6-week contract with a private care agency. He knew that I can finance it, although there was an element of overkill in the arrangement.
I am firmly of the opinion that, if there is money available to pay for care, it should be used. It is so important that the AC should be able to live their lives without having to feel guilty or resentful over a parent's care, maintaining a loving relationship.

As someone who works for the LA as a reablement assistant, my advice to anyone sourcing a care agency be very specific about what you want them to do. Literally write out a job description for them and monitor that they actually carry it out.

Mt61 So sorry you are having a hard time but there’s only you that can change things and you must. You’re not being fair to yourself or your family.
You need to get in touch with social services and look into receiving direct payments to help with your mums care. You can then employ who you like, and trust to help her in whatever way she needs.
I’m hoping that my info is not out of date, someone else on this forum may know more. All the very best to you all.

Mt61

icanhandthemback

Mt61, we didn't use the care package staff as there was so much they couldn't/wouldn't/ didn't have the time for. We used care staff we sourced and paid them through an external accountant which meant we didn't have the responsibility for PAYE. It was a game changer. Continuity, times to suit us not the care agency and support for my mother's partner too when he was struggling. It may be worth a look at.

Do you mean a private carer, like private cleaners, they sort their own taxes?

You can get them to pay their own taxes if they work for other people and can choose when the work. Otherwise, you become an employer. This sounds difficult but there are services you pay a small amount for where you give them the hours they work and they deal with all the tax, holiday pay, etc. If you are receiving any money towards the care from Social Care, they must allow for holiday pay and those expenses. All I had to do was, once a month, send in the hours the carer had worked. We had 3 carers at any one time.