I'm Not a Carer But Feel I'm Being Turned Into One.

I agree with everyone else you must not agree yo this and certainly mustnt move her whatbif she'd broken something? Therea all kind of technology these days they can set up with echo cameras trip alarms and mats etc theres no need for you to be put upon in this way . Yes theyll have to cough up some money but im sure she'll get carers allowances etc . Age concern and the local council will help and advise them with all of this . It is not your problem!

You must say no! Disgraceful that the family even asked you.

I am aware of two situations where the problem was with the elderly people themselves, who were very resistant to having carers come in; and kept saying that their friends, neighbours etc were always ‘very happy to help’.

Their children could see very clearly that the demands being made on other people were unrealistic and unfair, but in one case, the older person actually refused to let carers into the house, when the children did arrange visits. Both individuals had an unrealistic sense of how well they were able to cope independently, and the children did not live nearby.

It would actually have helped the children if the friends and neighbours had been firm, and clear and said consistently they were not able to help. I can imagine how hard it would be, and of course none of us would see someone struggling in a real emergency, but it is the only way.

I would contact your local Adult Safeguarding Services and put in an anonymous referral. They can then assess her and contact her family. You can phone or do it online if you prefer.

I did this a few years ago as many of us in our cul de sac were concerned about the welfare of an elderly couple. She had health problems and he clearly couldn't cope but didn't reach out to anyone. Social Services became involved and now community nurses and their family also come round regularly to help out. No-one has ever found out that it was me who reported them and I'm glad they got the help they needed.

You know what you have to say but you’re probably dreading the moment. Be strong, and good luck.

“Sorry but I’m not insured” 😉

Alternatively, the answer could be, "Yes, my hourly rate is £30 per hour." They have a blooming cheek. It is an onerous duty to look after loved ones let alone the rest of the world. My Mum's next-door neighbour offered to help but I thought it was too much to ask so declined their kind offer.

Very difficult for you and very cheeky of them, it’s a difficult problem trying to be a good neighbour and being taken advantage of, I’m afraid you are going to have to be blunt with them, no mean feat I’m sure as they sound bloody rude, tell them you cannot be available and she needs a social worker and a carer.

I have a care alarm for £30 a month. I didn't want to involve anyone, I have no relatives, and that was not a problem.

I paid extra for a tracker system, so if I collapse in the middle of Sainsbury's, the call centre will know which one!

I agree with everything that has been said. What a cheek!

Don’t get drawn into anything - as you say you are disabled and need to look after yourself. Just because you are not working doesn’t mean you don’t have a life

My DD and SiL were in that situation. Their elderly neighbour just told social services that his neighbours were looking after him. SS didn't ask DD and SiL.
They only got out of the situation when SiL went on sabbatical and they went abroad for a year, during which time the neighbour died.

V3ra

windmill1 I'm so sorry you're being put upon by this neighbour's daughter.
Like everyone else says do not get coerced into becoming a free carer for this poor lady. It's not safe or fair for either you or her.

If she's been discharged from hospital recently and needs care she should be getting that free for six weeks, that would have been arranged before she came home.
After that yes she'll have to pay, but the lady herself will have a financial assessment as to how much.

If she is a friend of yours then the most you should be expected to do is to visit and have a cup of tea and a chat with her, but only if that suits you.

I agree with this. Aftercare would have been arranged prior to her discharge. Just make sure that the relies haven't put you forward as her carer

You must say any kind of physical care. To keep an eye on is a bit different to keep an eye out for a neighbour. I have no disabilities, live alone abd I know my neighbours do keep an eye out for me in that if I didn't open blinds in the morning, someone would be at the door to check if all okay. You have to tell the family you are not in a position to do anything other than keep an eye out for their parent.

During an interview recently on the radio it was suggested that a person says ‘don't’ not ‘can’t’ , it gives a stronger tone, if not a bit rude. Eg I can’t lift people … or I don’t lift people because of my health situation.

Nice and kind as you are -you havecyo say no .
People are fantastically cheeky .
One of my friends,who is disabled did shopping and arranging repairs for an elderly lady who lived nearby .
Her nieces didn't want to know .
On the other end of the scale I offered to help out with an elderly lady who lives a few doors away from me .
She needs help with bathing and her hair stinks to the extent that it makes me nauseated.
I've known her for years and I do visit and take flowers .
I also arrange Communion if she wants it .
Sometimes her daughter who doesn't spend enough time with her acts as though I'm after the inheritance.

From experience I can say that the more you do the more will be expected of you - and it won't be the fault of the poor lady who needs care. Please don't get sucked into this situation - once you start doing things for her it is very hard to withdraw from doing them, as it will seem hurtful and neglectful, and you might well then start to feel guilty which you most definitely shouldn't. She has a family - and she is their resposibility, not yours.

Are you insured to provide social care?

I agree with all the comments except that I wouldn’t say it’s for my health reasons, that’s none of their business just say no you don’t feel it’s appropriate or safe and caring is best left to professional carers. I would agree to take their phone number in case you see an emergency but other than that no way, I might pop in for a quick chat and cuppa if and when I had a spare ten minutes but I wouldn’t even make that a firm arrangement

I believe that this is one of the hardest most difficult things to do as we get older and are asked to do things that we really shouldn’t be doing. Don’t want to do aren’t capable of. I remember my own mother was put upon by relatives to take care of her sister or have the sister visit far too often the sister had dementia and Mama just could not bring herself to tell our relatives no so I wrote to them and let them know that Mama was not a carer that they as children needed to step up and not my mother. If you are truly unable to say no reach out for some help I hope you can say no I know how difficult this is to do. It goes against the grain of being kind and human but too much is too much and I believe from what I’ve read that this is too much for you good luck

Astitchintime

Whilst it’s a nice and neighbourly thing to look out for one another, it’s a totally different thing to take on the role of carer as her family expect you to.

She is not your responsibility and you must be assertive and tell her family that fact.

You might agree to have their phone numbers so you can contact them in an emergency but daily personal care should be provided by a proper care package and that comes at a price. Seemingly they’re worried that cost will eat into their inheritance.

And please, do not, try to move her or lift her when she collapses……..you might injure yourself and cause more injury to her.

Very good reply.

I am a 24/7 carer but I would never put that responsibility on anyone. I have given my phone number to neighbours and the key safe number but I would always want to be contacted. NO you do not accept responsibility for anyone. The relatives must organise care..... not you.. How selfish they are.

Momac55

I agree with all the comments except that I wouldn’t say it’s for my health reasons, that’s none of their business just say no you don’t feel it’s appropriate or safe and caring is best left to professional carers. I would agree to take their phone number in case you see an emergency but other than that no way, I might pop in for a quick chat and cuppa if and when I had a spare ten minutes but I wouldn’t even make that a firm arrangement

"I agree with all the comments except that I wouldn’t say it’s for my health reasons, that’s none of their business..."

Thank goodness someone has pointed that out!

You don't need to give a reason why you don't want to become responsible for this lady's welfare.

I'm amazed that the family actually talked about the cost of private care as a justification for asking you to "keep an eye on her". Seriously?!

I now live alone after my beloved partner died two months ago (I was his carer). I've complex health problems and no family in the UK - but I've set up an alarm system and wear a pendant, and I pay my close friend to "keep an eye" on me.
Two of my neighbours volunteered to be key-holders in case of emergency, and they watch out for things like curtains not drawn or bins staying out on the pavement. Other than that, I've told them not to worry, and that in a dire emergency I would telephone them - but it really would have to be very 'dire' indeed, because I don't expect them to take on any responsibility for my care.

I think social services need to be made aware of this poor lady's situation, as others have suggested. For her sake, and yours. You must take care of yourself.

Just
Say
NO

windmill1 - you must speak with the daughter and make it crystal clear that you have been a neighbour and friend but can't step into the role of carer and that's for the lady's relatives to sort out. In response to the complaint that care agencies charge too much, if the lady really does need care then social services will provide that either free or at a subsidised cost and if it does incur a cost that will be decided after some means-testing. If the daughter doesn't go ahead to engage social services then you can assume that this is because the daughter doesn't want her mother to have to contribute towards her own care. There could be several reasons why the daughter is refusing to engage social services and one might be because the daughter wishes to preserve any savings her mother has so that she can inherit. Sorry to be so blunt but many people start to preserve their inheritance well before they're due to get it. As TwinLolly says, you must walk away while you can.

windmill1

An old lady who lives in the same bock of flats has been unwell, in hospital and now discharged. Her relatives have put it to me that, as I am retired, I might like to "keep an eye on her for them". Well, no actually. There's several of them, I live on my own and have a disability due to amputation to deal with.

The daughter says that hiring someone from a care agency "is far too expensive now". Am I to assume they expect me to do it for free?

The last collapse she had, I had a job getting her back into her flat and onto the settee - she's no lightweight. The daughter told me to send for the paramedics! I feel that huge liberties are being taken and - to put it bluntly - she's somenody else's mother, not mine.

Her family need to PAY privately for an organised remote-sensor service intallation, that can remotely detect a range of problems (that she has fallen, or hasn't moved for hours, or has pressed an alarm button) ; then the service provider calls her designated responder.

just one example

<https://www.agespace.org/tech/elderly-home-sensors

( I was happy to be the "designated responder" for an elderly neighbour because I knew her well enough to know she would only use it when necessary ( quite rarely in fact.) . But I know from other volunteers that some elderly/ confused people have been known to use their panic button system like a fulltime maid and butler service)