Mum 86 still driving

When it became apparent that my father in law was no longer safe to drive and MiL didn't drive, we opened an account with a local taxi firm for them to use, mainly for doctors/hospital visits and the odd social event. It worked really well for them both.

I know that I'm not the same driver now that I was 10 years ago and the roads are way more dangerous, so I really think we all have a great responsibility to face up to the facts and stop driving before causing an accident.

You know your mother should not be driving, but your real problem is the attitude of your brother or sister, isn't it?

I am afraid you will either have to risk falling out with him/her about this, or risk dreadful guilt if your mother kills herself or someone else in a car accident.

If she cannot move her feet quickly, are you willing to risk her hitting the accelarator instead of the brake when a child runs into the road in front of her?

That argument might just make your dear sibling think!

Bluebelle Works both ways. The immaturity of young drivers causes more incidents, speeding, dangerous manoeuvring,disregard for others on the road , no signalling so perhaps the age for being granted a licence should be raised to when a person is considered to be an adult ie at least mid 20s. when brain systems are joined up; 17 year olds are still regarded as children. Cars can be adapted to cope with physical disability eg no legs, use hand controls.

My dad was a fantastic driver and drove until he was 85 until his death. I feel he was unusual looking at the elderly driver. My friend at 75 decided that she didn’t feel confident and relinquished her licence. She is managing fine and I was just really impressed at how responsible she was. Your mum will kill somebody or herself. My mother in law wanted to drive at 90 - my sister in law took her car to the ‘garage’ for non existent repairs and removed the keys. She can afford taxis and family and friends drive her to appointments etc.

pen50

I have said before (and suffered a social media pile on!) but I don't think ANYONE over the age of eighty should be driving. I would be very happy if we had a mandatory upper limit because then it would take the pressure off concerned family, and it would also force older people to think ahead about their living arrangements and not assume they can continue live in the back end of nowhere.

I am aware that there are probably a few people over that age who are safe drivers; I am also aware that the number is far smaller than the number of eighty year olds who think they are safe drivers, but aren't.

I shall happily give up my licence in ten years time - or earlier, if my family tell me.

Not an easy issue for sure.

Living as remotely as I do now - and my "remoteness" means not living in a city centre any longer - but I can walk around the small town I'm in now = but I've had people here comment to me along the lines of "You'd be surprised at just how remotely a lot of people in this area are living. You'd also be surprised just how much worse a state their house is than what you describe your house as being like when you first bought it (ie we know you had it gutted). This is a poor area".

So I don't know what the answer is to people living somewhere like a solitary house or hamlet or tiny village - in an area where the public transport is appalling. If one lives in a poorly-maintained house in a remote area = just who will buy that house off you for enough money to be able to buy an at least passable condition house not quite so remotely located? Many people simply can't afford to move and I've even been told of houses that are in such a poor state of repair that the roof is leaking through onto them and the central heating is awful or non-existent etc and been told I'd be surprised just how many houses are like that. Defo not an easy situation to resolve.

If people are thinking "Oh well - Council carehome it is if it comes to it" I remember looking up the carehome my last next door neighbour moved to in the end - and let's say I was surprised ...and not pleasantly so by what it looked like. I rejected ones like that in two seconds flat when it became clear that my father was being pushed out of a hospital bed into one come the end.

Happylady, I think you know that you need to report your mum to the DVLA and let them deal with this serious concern. I had a colleague whose dad (in his 60s) was killed (whilst driving his own car) by a very old driver, who was driving round a roundabout and clearly had no idea what he was doing. An utterly tragedy all for all.
As GNs here have said, you must think about what might happen to other people, if your mum carries on driving.

Davida1968

Happylady, I think you know that you need to report your mum to the DVLA and let them deal with this serious concern. I had a colleague whose dad (in his 60s) was killed (whilst driving his own car) by a very old driver, who was driving round a roundabout and clearly had no idea what he was doing. An utterly tragedy all for all.
As GNs here have said, you must think about what might happen to other people, if your mum carries on driving.

Did the very old driver have the accident because he ws very old or because he probably had dementia and if he had been required to take a cognitive test he would have been stopped driving.

The driver who killed my sister was in his 50s and the number of young drivers killing their friends when driving far exceeds the number of older drivers involved in fatal accidents.

It worries me to see such casual aageism on GN.

I don't think that my description of this accident warrants an accusation of "casual ageism". It related to the subject raised in this post.

My Dh is only 77 but has started pulling out at junctions without checking correctly, I know he would never stop driving on my say so, but I am keeping a very close eye.

Mums licence was due for renewal last year and she was adamant that she wanted it even though she hadn't driven the car for over a year. I said no, she said I was mean and bullying her, stopping her from having her freedom. I told her that was a load of claptrap as she doesn't want to go anywhere as it is!

In the end, I gave her a copy of the renewal form and told her, you want it, YOU HONESTLY fill it in and get the GP to counter sign it.

Now, she says it doesn't bother her.

Mobility wise, she's the same, decrepit. Can barely pick her feet up. Brain wise, the dementia guy last year said he wasn't comfortable with saying she had Dementia and said she needs to help herself (we've all said that, she brushes it off).

My dad laughs when he talks about his dad and how he used to drive and wouldn't acknowledge a turning into a council estate. He would indicate left for a major turning before this estate, apparently he had a few close calls. He drove right up until he died almost 20 years ago, he was bloody minded. At the end of his road, it pulled straight out onto the A41, to turn right, he would stop, put the handbrake on, look left, look right, look left, look right, see it was clear,...... Take the handbrake off, put the car into gear and pull out. Dad said he went once with him, once was enough, it scared him! So I asked him, why didn't you say something, his reply was no one died!

My DH’s cousin was killed by an older driver on Friday as she was crossing a road. He has been charged and we are waiting for the inquest to find out more. Because of this we have been told that it could be another 6 plus weeks before we can bury her. I do not know at his stage whether or not he was fit to drive so I’m not judging him here.
It may be that this topic is raw for us at the moment, but I have believed for a long time that if anyone has doubts about someone’s ability to be be able to drive, and the driver is reluctant/refusing to hand back their licence, then the person with concerns should tell the DVLA . Let the DVLA make the decision.
Surely it is better for someone to lose some independence and have to use taxis/buses/lifts than for someone to lose their life.
If anyone has concerns but does nothing then they are complicit and will have to live with their conscience..

No response from OP?

Davida1968

Happylady, I think you know that you need to report your mum to the DVLA and let them deal with this serious concern. I had a colleague whose dad (in his 60s) was killed (whilst driving his own car) by a very old driver, who was driving round a roundabout and clearly had no idea what he was doing. An utterly tragedy all for all.
As GNs here have said, you must think about what might happen to other people, if your mum carries on driving.

Yep...that's the point at which I decided my (repeat) driving lessons after all these years weren't going to work out - ie when I'd got stuck in a roundabout unsure which way to drive. I'd weathered crashing one of the series of cars I bought my way through (luckily no-one hurt - but the car was written off) - but that roundabout episode did my head in and I decided my brain just didn't work technically enough to do it.

I was already having to try and psych myself up for driving here anyway - worse drivers (those white van men with their bad driving!), the amount of drink-driving I notice!!, what I call "Welsh drops". By "Welsh drops" I mean all the roads here where one can literally look down one side of them and you're looking straight down a hillside on one side (eek!). Add in the number of roads that are missing their street lights and I'll admit to feeling nervous when being driven along a road like that after it's turned dark and I'm looking for streetlights to see where I am and crossing my fingers the busdriver knows their route well as we drive through a sea of blackness.

I think maybe it's a combination of factors re driving that might make someone give up the idea - I could maybe have handled Mr White Van Man OR finding ways to avoid roads with "Welsh drops" or the narrow windy lanes....but all of them together did my head in and I gave up the idea of driving again. Even then...it does my head in at the thought of driving along roads at night where they haven't got any streetlights!!!

Maybe that's what it takes for some people - ie a combination of factors?

AuntieE

You know your mother should not be driving, but your real problem is the attitude of your brother or sister, isn't it?

I am afraid you will either have to risk falling out with him/her about this, or risk dreadful guilt if your mother kills herself or someone else in a car accident.

If she cannot move her feet quickly, are you willing to risk her hitting the accelarator instead of the brake when a child runs into the road in front of her?

That argument might just make your dear sibling think!

As I said upthread,

they do not need to know

You can report, give GP or other medical details, and ask the DVLA to withhold your name as to who raised the concern

sister and brother will therefore not find out.

People like your mum kill others.try and imagine how you’d feel if she couldn’t break in time and hit a young family standing on the pavement?

I know it’s hard I had the same with my husband after a stroke, doctor said he was fine to drive, he was 73 but I was worried about his ability to cope quickly. We got a referral and he had a driving assessment not a test and only just was acceptable. They said they wished more people would do it after health problems as it would save lives.

Our local supermarket only last week had an elderly person hit the accelerator instead of the break and they drove onto a walkway and hit a brick pillar down. Thankfully no one was walking near at the time.
I had to take my dads keys away from him it was hard but every day I knew he couldn’t hurt anyone, can you live everyday with that worry over your head?

My mother used to go and stay with her cousin when she was in her 80's and happily drove herself to get there, but her cousin insisted on driving her whilst she was there and used to pull out onto dual carriageways directly in front of fast moving traffic. My mother was terrified and actually stopped going to stay with her as she was frightened she would be killed.

I am not a supporter of drivers of any age driving dangerously but many more youngsters kill others and themselves than the odd oap, so why are the youngsters on the roads, speeding, taking silly risks, sometimes drunk or drugged, driving with impunity, while older more experienced drivers are castigated merely because of their age.
Of course older people will have to stop driving sometime, it’s hard but must happen, but there is more of a problem of young irresponsible drivers causing more accidents which is not being addressed.

silverlining48

I am not a supporter of drivers of any age driving dangerously but many more youngsters kill others and themselves than the odd oap, so why are the youngsters on the roads, speeding, taking silly risks, sometimes drunk or drugged, driving with impunity, while older more experienced drivers are castigated merely because of their age.
Of course older people will have to stop driving sometime, it’s hard but must happen, but there is more of a problem of young irresponsible drivers causing more accidents which is not being addressed.

Not just young. I was pretty gobsmacked when I realised how much drink-driving goes on round where I am now. The worst culprit is middle-aged and he drank-drive at lunchtime and killed a young guy and cue for I had to boycott the local newspaper until it changed editor to someone not so local and acting more like a normal local paper (as they were urging everyone to support the offender!!!!! Honestly! I couldnt believe it) and no concern shown for the poor young guy and his family and friends. He lost nothing - other than 3 months in jail.

Out he comes and not that long after that he does it again! - and this time injured a young woman. Nobody seems to think any less of him - other than more objective views from outside this area and us more objective observers do see this for what it is - ie thoroughly reprehensible.

Davida1968

I don't think that my description of this accident warrants an accusation of "casual ageism". It related to the subject raised in this post.

The casual ageism is the fact that you and others, I am sure wuite unconsciously, assume because an older driver kills someone it is because they are old. but aAge has little to do with it. Most drivers become unable to drive because of eye sight, cognitive or other health problems. These problems are more common amongolder people but plenty of other people have these disabilities, and really older drivers are unlikely to be drunk or speeding.

Older drivers can often be drink drivers too M0nica because it is they way they have always behaved. My brother and sister in law are cases in point.

Of course there are always individual examples people can give about older people who should not drive, but they are much in the minority of those who young males who cause accidents and worse.

I think as we get older we drive more carefully and probably a bit more slowly because we are aware that our reflexes aren’t quite as fast. Some of my grandchildren live in the bush and they drive like bats out of hell. Very,very fast as most of the young ones down there seem to. It horrifies me and at times when we have followed her to some remote place she has to keep stopping for us to catch up. When I go to the UK I am amazed at how fast people drive round the country lanes - you can’t see round corners and the roads are very narrow by our standards. What you are used to I suppose. Our freeways have a maximum speed of 100 km per hour where we live and we stick to it because we get heavily fined and may lose our license if we go over. They love making money out of us.

Don't report her just persuade her. Surely you can get her doctor to help insist.
Her driving sounds like an accident waiting to happen.

We managed to stop DFiL from driving . He was nearly 90 and his eyesight was failing.

In earlier years he had proudly driven all kinds of vehicles all over .
the world.

The downside was I has the job of chauffeur and he was a terrible passenger. He was bossy and encouraged me to take risks.

Yes you have your work cut out but it's worth it for peace of mind.

Can anyone remember the TV programme some years ago called ‘100 year old drivers’? People in their 80/90/100s took part in a rigorous driving test. A few over 100 years old passed with flying colours as did others in their 80s and 90s whilst some failed and were advised to stop driving.
I don’t think you can put a specific age such as 80 as suggested by some posters - it all depends on the individual. One of my friends with dementia in her early 70s took a special driving test and has been passed fit to drive although I understand she will have to take the test every six months.