my dad

good thought, jacey. mum used to be a wrvs driver, back in the meals on wheels days. i'll look into that one, thank you.

granbunny Age UK are so so good at what they do,my neighbour has a visitor arranged by them who calls every day just for 10 mins to have a quick chat and make sure that there are no emergencies or such they also arranged a 24 hr call line in case there is need for immediate help this is paid for via social services and I am sure your parents woud be granted a similar system they also arranged for a key safe externally just in case the family cannot for some reason get to the house in an emergency so access is not a problem.Take care

glammanana, having keys nearby is a good idea. i don't have keys (my brother does) but my dad might leave keys with his next door neighbours or in a hiding place.

granbunny The system here is that a enclosed keysafe is fitted outside the house (obviously out of sight) and a key which will open the door is placed in the safe,the safe can only be opened by Social Services visitor/Doc/Nurse etc who has the code to the safe.This does not take away the fact that you your brother/neighbour can hold a key.This system has been used by poorly neighbours mainly overnight when you can be sure of things going wrong ? sods law !!!

Both of my parents have died, mum suddenly 12 years ago and dad after a short illness 6 years ago. I still miss them both very much though in a way they are still with me.

It is very sad to watch parents deteriorate and fade away from their younger, stronger selves (the dying of the light). I think I started grieving for my dad's loss several years before he died.

So, my best wishes to you granbunny in what you are dealing with just now.

I felt that I lost my lovely dad 4/5 yrs prior to his death he was always a big strong man 6' 2" and tall and strong when he became ill he seemed to shrink before my eyes and one day when he was in hospital he did not know who I was , I just leaned against the wall and sank to my knees crying that my lovely dad was no more,I found it a relief when he did leave us.Bless him.

petallus my father had dementia, and I know what you mean. Nancy Reagan called it "The long goodbye" and it was.

glammanana, the key safe is a really good idea. i saw parents this afternoon (i forgot to say, i go there on sundays to visit! only an hour but its regular and they like routine). i'll see if i can find out more about it. dad agreed today to have more keys cut - he didn't look happy, but as he has recently started carrying a card saying who he is and that his wife is alone in the house and needs 24/7 care, i think he is trying to do his best to come to terms with possibly not being immortal. poor dad.

thank you. and thank you, petallus.

granbunny. just want to add my good wishes to those already expressed. I do understand the huge paradox of ageing parents..we cared for FIL with dementia for about 3 years in all, nearly the end of us but we did get through it. Its never easy you just have to do the best you can yet try and keep yourself safe and sane. I also understand the emotional problems of estrangement with parents. My own father is alive and reasonaly healthy as far as I know. He was a pretty dreadful father and has not improved with age. We all rallied around when my Mum died but he then went woman mad and rubbed our nose in it. Hes selfish to such a degree he has effectively lost 3 children (and their spouses) 5 grandchildren and 2 great grandchildren. We have all tried to help him but he is not a nice man. To save ourselves we have pulled away on a day to day basis but every now and again he gets himself into a scrape...usually with some internet scam or health...and we have to sort him out. It worries me that I cannot do the proper thing but I suddenly 'woke' up in my 40s to realise that I had been fighting for his love all my life but he was incapable of giving it. Anyone outside the family thinks us harsh but as soon as the details are known they begin to understand. Yet, I mourn the loss of a father as well as my darling Mum. Anyway enough of me, just want to send you best wishes.

thank you, hildaw.

your dad sounds a bit like my daughter's dad - incapable of giving love to his children. i don't think her dad could help it, he just didn't have any deep feelings! perhaps your dad is the same. but the damage they cause is very, very deep. daughter spent 21 years trying to pretend there was a relationship there but eventually had to give up, which was much better for her.

thanks again to everyone who has posted. there are many practical tips as well as kind wishes, and i appreciate them all.

granbunny

granbunny can empat

Never met mine.

I was so lucky, my dad was lovely. His funeral is on Friday

nanachrissy, so sorry.

nanac . I missed,y father after he died age 54. He was my senior partner in GP as well. I know how you feel!

nanachrissy so sorry for your loss, but hope that you have many happy memories to cherish.

Yes lots of happy memories, he was a very jolly man with a sharp sense of humour!

Hang on to the memories nanachrissy ...will be thinking of you on Friday

sorry start again can empathise with you I had a difficult relationship with mum you feel in between a rock and a hard place when the time comes and you have to give more of yourself than you are comfortable with or able to give.

thank you nelliedeane.

nanachrissy, i am sorry for your loss.

daughter said recently that even if she'd died in november when it looked like she might, her love would still have been around to enfold her baby through her life. that's exactly what i've thought at different times, and how it felt once when my mum tried to kill herself. maybe, that's how it is. xx

nanachrissy, we'll be thinking of you on Friday. Another hurdle to get over, but your memories of such a lovely and loving father will always stay with you, never to fade.

I hope it goes well nanachrissy and you are able to find comfort in the lovely tributes that will be shared on the day

nanachrissy

nanac - - for now and for Friday.