my dad

granbunny My heart aches for you and your family. I wish that I could something positive for you. Am sending my warm wishes instead.

xxxxx

Yes, hospital social workers can be extremely helpful if you explain how exhausted you are all getting. I know this from personal experience when my brother was in a coma for several weeks and my small house was the base for the rest of the family from far and wide. Do try them , gbun. All the best.

Contact the hospital social workers! What op is dad waiting for?
In a hospital he should not be alone for most of the time?

Granbunny I am just echoing what has already been said my heart goes out to you and your family

Granbunny I'm moved to tears by your plight and your family's support. ((hugs)) Keep your chin up xx

thank you all so much.

i'm at the end of my line now so i'm having an evening off to recover enough to work tomorrow- but that leaves my brother without a break. i've said i'll do all night friday .

dad is low because they said he might be home by the end of the week, with a six week wait for an op. now they're saying he isn't improving enough to go home.

thanks again for your good wishes. my daughter is being amazingly supportive and goes to see her grandad with the baby when she can - but the hospital is miles away, so she's driving miles and miles with the poor baby crying in the back seat...
i feel so sorry for everyone.

i'll keep you informed. no-one has any idea how it will turn out. the gp has to decide what happens to mum, according to social services, and he's... on holiday!

Granbunny take care of yourself, there will obviously be a lot of heartache for you all. It's a horrible situation to be in, so keep off loading to us whenever you need to.

granbunny thinking of you in this so difficult situation xxx

granbunny grannya has hit it on the head, you alone cant do it all. Its a very difficult situation to be in, my heart goes out to you.

Hi granbunny, I have only just read through this post, what an awful situation for you to be in. As grannyactivist said you are absolutely doing the best you can. While you are so busy taking care of everyone else, please take care of yourself too.

granbunny I've only just caught up with this thread and I'm so sorry for the way events have worked out. You must feel like a piece of elastic being pulled in all directions. I know from experience how that often results in a feeling of impotence or inadequacy, so can I just reassure you - it is impossible to do all the things you'd like, or to be with both parents at once, so you need to accept the limitations of the situation and remind yourself that you're doing the best you can do under the circumstances. (((hug)))

Oh*granbunny*, what a situation to be in. Is there no other answer?

hi. dad is in hospital with chronic kidney failure. brother is living with mother. i am doing a four hour shift in the evening so he can have a break. daughter has visited my dad but no-one else can get there as we are tied up with mum. he is alone and scared most of the time. mother is trying to be good which is heartbreaking because if dad is to come home we have to send her away.

a very unhappy situation.

thats a breakthrough granbunny I am glad your brother is now on board and dad is accepting social services hoping things go forward from here so the family can get the support you needxxxxxxx

johanna, nelliedeane, nanachrissy, thank you!
i haven't done anything, i don't deserve a medal! .

brother and dad went to ageUK today and dad feels 100% better tonight. he thinks his house might be safe, at least for a little while. and he told me 'we have to see a social worker!' which means he's willing to accept an assessment - brilliant! brother has all the leaflets and will pass them to me when he's read them in detail.

nelliedeane, mum has a good geriatric (sp?) psychiatrist who messed with her drugs about fifteen years ago when he arrived - got her off sodium amytal and valium and onto an array of other things. but she was in a semi-comatose state with drugs for eleven years. then, she od'd on the lithium (because i refused to go to see her - at the time of the estrangement) and ended up in the icu. there, she had to go cold turkey. she was immobile, couldn't speak and babbled for days. but on the day she 'woke up', they didn't know what had hit them! she was back to being the mum i remember from my early childhood. so intelligent, articulate, so funny. her syntax left us breathless! my daughter visited mum with me that day, and i am so glad she got to see her grandma without drugs, just once. then a nurse annoyed my mum, and mum destroyed her with a few sentences. another nurse came to tell off my mum - who promptly got out of bed and followed her up the ward! this is the woman they had thought paralysed the day before. they sent her home.

they sent her home with more drugs. she couldn't wake up. she couldn't think of even a three letter word at scrabble. she kept falling, and as dad couldn't lift her, they had to call the ambulance several times, usually in the middle of the night, so the paramedics could get her back into bed. mum and dad got some equipment - a side for the bed, a chair that tips foward to help her get up (which she won't use), frames around the lavatory. and i think that was when two people came weekly to take her out to lunch.

dad couldn't go on like that. he asked the psychiatrist to reduce the medication. he wasn't willing. in desperation dad took the decision and cut the meds back. mum could walk (a bit with a frame - by then, she'd got to enjoy the wheelchair), talk and play scrabble again. that would be about five and a half years ago. until the last few weeks, they have managed. i've kept an eye on them and brother has been visiting more regularly for about a month. the psychiatrist isn't happy but they do send nurses to take her blood samples as she can't go to the lithium clinic any more.

dad is willing to let my brother take charge of things, and i'm going to let him. i'll do what i can to support. i'll continue to update, though, because your support means a lot to me.

thank you again. xxx

granbunny
Firstly you should have a medal, a very special one.

Nanachrissy's last post summed it up.
The only way you will be able to keep this up is for you to be the " producer "
and not a bit player.
Also as Nellie Deane said: ' i can't cope any more and if you want me to help you.. etc "

Take a deep breath and say that you will help on your terms.
Good Luck.

mum was her own worst enemy through fear and couldnt be bothered to look after her homes which very soon became neglected,she then broke her hip and the fun began she sat indoors for 10 days walking on it because she was so frightened of the hospital.....have stories about previous shennanigans getting other treatment sorted...unfortunately this was shortly after kate died and eisha was having problems and I very bluntly one day said to mum I cant cope any more and if you want ME to help you,you are going to have to accept help from other people....JUST another question has mums medication been reviewed lately are there better newer treatments available,is a CPN attached to mums case...Eisha's father has schizophrenia/is bipolar and has paranoia....which is how I became to be in the situation I am today...I sure I speak for all of us in offering support a virtual hug and suggestions if we can for you for dad just a thought mums needs obviously out shine his but does he get any befrienders to help him off load poor manxxxx

granbunny I know too how daunting it all is, but there is help out there. It's just hard to get them to commit sometimes.
Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

thank you, nelliedeane. my mum does get the day and night carers allowance - i think this is what they use to run their house, so if he bought in care he would eat into his savings. i've been trying to get him to do it for years!

i mentioned social services tonight - he looked very upset. my mum's conditions, according the the cpn for the attendance allowance application a few years ago are 'schizophrenic manic depressive with paranoid tendencies'. old fashioned but fairly accurate. they gave her the heavy drugs because she took an iron bar (a poker) down to her dad's house to kill him (she couldn't get in, fortunately, and he did deserve it as far as she was concerned, but that's another story! anyway, natural causes got him eventually). she can hold a conversation and remember what has happened on television and she's knows how to be very, very nasty. physically, her kidneys (hers too) are shot (through taking lithium overdoses) and she has oedema so badly she can hardly walk, and if she does walk she uses a frame. mostly she uses a wheelchair. and issues instructions. she's good at that.

people (they were probably social services) came out to the house took a look around and said, 'you can pay this, you pay top rate, you pay...'. they overlooked that dad was once a builder, built his house himself in 1959, and yes, they have had years to put some nice things in it but he's been retired since 1990 so no, they aren't rolling in money!

i've advised my dad to ask the ageUK advisor about my mum's situation re full time care (which is why they made the appointment), what help might be available in the home and respite care if he has to go into hospital. i think that's all i can do for now.

thank you so much for your advice. i will keep the world informed, though gransnet!

Have been there got the T shirt Granbunny,have also worked voluntarily in signposting organisations,the worst is that you are emotionally involved for me this is information and support which is a whole world of difference.
just a few questions does mum get attendance allowance day and night care which would allow dad to have a home carer day and night.
Adult social services to get a care assessment plan,and maybe a care package put in place ,meals on wheels would all be paid out of a care package.Hospitals also have a consultant dedicated to geriatric care could mums GP refer her and also I dont know mums condition but there are organisations that go into care homes and deliver memory lessons ie holding up an item to trigger a memory long forgotten.There are day care centres run by the local PCT for people with mental health problems and they benefit greatly from being with people with similar problems.....your poor head must be bursting but I hope there is something here that gives you food for thought and an idea to enquire aboutxxxxxxxxx

phew, nelliedeane, you certainly know your stuff! thank you. dad and brother are off to ageUK again tomorrow. i'll ask about social services. jacey and ariadne, thank you, too.

Jacey is right, granbunny, concentrate on what you can achieve, while you find out what's to be done. You must be feeling torn into pieces at the moment, but be kind to yourself if you can, if only to stay strong for everyone. I do hope you find some solutions. xxx

Unfortunately granbunny we all worry in advance ...crossing bridges/counting chickens.

As others have said ...be honest with all the professionals you see re-needs of your mother and how that has impacted on your father...and take all the support that is on offer from NHS etc.

Just don't spread yourself too thinly

is there someone from adult social services who could go with dad as an advocate,and who could organise respite care in the home with mum so she is not disrupted in her routine there is a service called PALS in hospitals which I believe run a similar system to the Almoners service to make sure patients worries where alleviated prior to their treatment.Age concern have volunteers who befriend older people an part of their role may provide advocacy and also have come up against similar circumstances and they may be able to help or signpost you to some help and support as a family...wish I could wave my magic wand xxxxxxxxx