Do you 'like' all your friends?

inthefields funny you should say that! In our particular group of friends I was always the 'doer' rather than the 'talker' but as I have got older I have begun to challenge some 'given' ideas and attitudes more. This has sometimes surprised people but friendships are strong and we still love one another!

Way back in the early 70's I remember talking to a friend of whom I am still very fond, about the then worry about "green" potatoes being linked with spina bifida. "Oh, but things like that don't happen to people like us" she said blithely. I gently reminded her that we had lost our first baby aged 20 days not that long before due to congenital heart disease. She wasn't being smug or unkind, just thoughtless. So in defence of "perfect" fiends (oops) friends, they are probably just thoughtless and not necessarily smug, self-centred, or oblivious to the predicaments of others - well maybe not.

suzz Answer...someone who cares how you feel. Perhaps I can be your "cyber" friend.

I think it is because my friend who does this is getting older. Shee would not have been like that in the past!

Yes, I do like all my friends - very much. They are my 'chosen' family and as such boasting would never come into our relationship simply because they are pretty clued up with our family's ups and downs anyway. Friends enjoy our successes and commiserate with our difficulties.

My husband is (in my view, but not his) ridiculously modest and both our sons are very like him.When I first got married I quickly realised that my husband's family NEVER 'boasted' about anything - even to mention something that might be construed as boasting was considered very bad form. In my family though it was the opposite; my mum boasts about everything possible to do with her children and grandchildren. She was (is) equally surprised and delighted that her eight children have all 'done well' for themselves and would like her friends and neighbours to know about it. Fortunately she is also a born storyteller and her friends (she's had the same two close friends since she was four years old) regard our family life as their very own soap opera.

My husband's cousin with whom we normally just exchange Christmas cards did telephone me when she first got a painting accepted for the Royal Academy, but I think she just realised I was the only one in the family who would be as thrilled as she was. Much more interesting than people who tell you about all their expensive holidays in places you would pay NOT to go to.

these sort of friends, who on hearing you have been on holiday to tenerife, immediately and lengthily brag about their more fabulous holiday in elevenerife!

I have a very boastful friend. Her husband has died but in front of two other friends whose husbands deserted them many years ago, she often talks about her husband saying she had the best husband in the world, all the things he bought for her, how much he loved her etc. She dominates all our conversations, talks over other people, and always has anecdotes about her wonderful life which top everyone else's. What I like about her is that she is always up for doing things eg trips out, cinema, shopping etc. so have to put up with the boasting.

My father's ex always boasted about how much money her children were making etc.

Why did she want the house which my father and myself owned for her family?.

Frank

I didn't realise your father's ex was one of your friends, Frank. I must have misunderstood the whole tenor of your complaints.

I sometimes wonder if boasting is a cover up for some kind of insecurity.
I used to have a friend like that and she was warm hearted and kind, but
oh such a dreadful boaster. It drove me mad at times!

vegasmags

I think she was one of Dad's friends until he realised what she was trying to do.

Frank

When I was nesly divorced I was in a couple of singles groups [I wasn't actually looking for a new relationship at the time, just a social life] and I got to know a woman who had been widowed but was looking for a new partner. According to her, men were just throwing themselves at her feet and it did seem to be the case [she's now on her third husband]. I can't begin to tell you how it undermined my confidence at the time even though [if I say it myself] I looked jolly good for my age and she looked rather old and fat [but in a confident sort of way].

But they didn't stick, did they... I'd rather have one or two decent relationships than lots of insignificant ones

Tegan

Was it her third husband due to divorce o being widowed?.
I know somebody who had lost 3 wives before he was 40.
There may be nothing wrong with him.
They all died of cancer.

Frank

I have a friend whose husband died a few years ago. She was just a colleague at the time and I said to her if she ever fancied going for a drink I would be more than happy to go with her. At one of our first outings she said to me that she was grateful for how kind people had been to her since he had died and that she is now socialising with people she wouldn't have dreamt of going out with before and then added 'no offence' ! Lots of offence taken actually. I put it down to what she had been through. I'm sure she didn't mean it like it sounded.

Frank; she rushed into the second marriage and realised it was a mistake. The third one was [and I presume still is] successful She was quite honest with herself in that she wasn't someone that was happy with singledom, whereas I'd always enjoyed my own company [somebody had to ]. KatyK; I think I understand what your friend meant. When your circumstances change your social group does tend to change with it.

Tegan yes I can understand that and some of their joint friends totally abandoned her which was awful. It was just the 'no offence' bit that I was a bit perturbed about! We get along well now.

Again I have a friend that apologies when she refers to her [much better than mine] financial situation. I sometimes think I'd feel better if she didn't apologise as it rubs it in a bit more! I've had friends that were widowed and were shocked at how mutual friends tended to drop them [it's the same with divorce but perhaps less easy to understand if it's due to bereavement]; it's as if they're regarded as some sort of a threat. I went to a social do with a friend that was divorced soon after I was divorced and asked her if I was imagining it that people seemed to treat me differently, especially women who looked at me in a distrustful way if I chatted to their husbands [something that I'd always done and still do as I chat away to anyone]. She said, no, I wasn't imagining it .

I agree Tegan. The friend mentioned is in her 60s, lovely and slim and attractive. Still, I hope I wouldn't be like that with friends who become on their own through no fault of their own. I think she was quite shocked at first but she has formed her own circle now. Maybe you find out who your real friends are in these circumstances.

I think you rediscover yourself as well. Yes; my new 'social group' consisted of people that I haven't seen for many years now and didn't enquire after my wellbeing when I disappeared off their radar. Funny thing isn't it; friendship.

Yes it is. I have very few (maybe two) that I would consider real friends. I am lucky that I have 2 lovely sisters and we are very supportive of each other. I know not everyone has this.

I have two very old friends, from schooldays, and they are like my family (I have no siblings). I love to see them but one of them talks about money all the time, and it's beginning to drive me crazy. She is very well off thanks to a husband who has earned a lot, but obsessed with pensions, interest rates, property prices, and whatever we begin talking about somehow she always brings it back to money. I have tried changing the subject, telling her I don't want to talk about money, going quiet, but none of it seems to work. I do love her dearly and would never want to lose her but I do have to take a deep breath before seeing her these days.

its nice to have friends you can talk to it would be a sad world with out them in it