Viewing the body

Mishap, I was so sad to hear your news and send you love. Personally I would not choose to visit a loved one that has passed away, but as Gally says, you should do what you feel you want to do, not what you feel is the "right" thing to do as there is no "right". I choose to remember the person as they were, but I appreciate it does help some people, perhaps it is more the people who have lost a younger person, or if it is a sudden death that they are finding hard to accept xx

Thank you for all your helpful messages.

I have made the decision not to go and see him. I do not really know why, but some instinct tells me that I would rather remember him as he was; and remember his last words to me on the phone a few days ago: "Cheerio love, take care." I just want to hold on to that.

My brother is going to see him though. I have told him my decision and he is OK with that.

I know he was a very old man and it may seem crazy to be so upset; but he was my Dad and I will miss him.

This is such a personal decision. I've posted before about how my family do not use funeral homes but have the body at home in an open coffin until it is time for the funeral. I know no other way and to me it is both normal and natural to sit with the deceased person. We talk, laugh, cry, drink tea (as well as stronger beverages) and just get used to the fact that we are about to say goodbye to the loved person. Children are not discouraged, if they want to, they join in.

I'm remembering my own Dad with a lump in my throat as I write this.

Hugs for you Mishap

What a lovely phone conversation to hold on to and remember. Of course you will miss your old Dad but you have worked so hard to do the right thing for him over the last few months, with all the problems that you have had, and I am sure he appreciated it xx

Hold on to the thought that you were lucky to have him for so long, Mishap. He said goodbye to you in a lovely way. Treasure that last conversation.

Your emotions will be all over the place at the moment but you've made the decision that you feel is right.

Of course you're upset. It doesn't matter one jot how old he was he was your dad and more than special to you. I was much more upset when my mum died than I had expected. There were times when she tried my love to the limits, but over the last few weeks as she was faced with death we became very close.
When dad died I had gone with her to see him as she couldn't get her head around his really being gone and she felt she wanted to see him. It helped her, but I felt nothing. He wasn't there.
I didn't go to see mum - but did send a shrug I had been knitting for her (she always felt the cold) and pictures of her beloved dog to be buried with her. She also kept her wedding ring and a cross my son had given her as she had been wearing them when she died. Silly really, daft and sentimental, but it felt right.

So glad that you have decided what is right for you, Mishap and how lovely that you have such a good last conversation to remember.

My thoughts are with you. and every good wish for some

Glad u going with instincts. I remember my dad as a lively & loving man,as I last saw him. Thinking of u at this tough time.

Nanapug that was one of the best pieces of advice I've heard!
*Mishap'

I didn't go and see mums body because the last time I saw her was the day before she died and the lasting memory I have off her is seeing her standing by the front door, clinging to it whilst crying with laughter.
She had been very ill and housebound for some time so to see and hear her laughing was a rare treat.
And the reason for the laughing, as I turned to say goodbye I fell into a hole that had been dug just an hour or so previously ready to put a fence post into. I knew it was there, I could even see it but that didn't stop me, what a fool I can be at times.
As for my dad. I was with him when he passed away but I found it very hard to go and say goodbye to him. We were more than dad and daughter we were best mates.
I did go and see him but it still haunts me to this very day.

I love your story about falling into a hole whatsgoingon and what a fantastic way to remember your Mum. It is being able to recall these anecdotes and memories that help our loved ones to be able to live on in our lives. My father was always laughing and joking about something and I often recall the funny things he used to say. I was fortunate to be with him when he died very peacefully in his own bed. When I saw him later in the chapel of rest I couldn't help smiling at the way he was dressed. It reminded me of an outing we had just before he died when he said "Your mother's insisted on dressing me up like a dog's dinner". He would have seen the joke.

I was with my father when he died but did not go and see him at the funeral home because there had been a PM and I feared they would have changed his appearance. My mother died in hospital and I was called to the ward during the night, I looked at her but there was nothing of her character there. I never went to the funeral home.
DH's mother died young of a dreadful condition and we were all devastated. Father in law had her body brought back to the house and DH would go and see her several times a day. I had loved and cared for my MIL but I could not bring myself to see her in her coffin.

At 51 I have never seen a dead body. My previous (late) husband died whilst playing sport and I never wanted to see him in the funeral home as there had been a PM and I was very scared of what I would see If I am honest.

As a nurse I have been with many as they die and I took great pride in making sure they were laid out well. I have no fear of death at all However the person had left at the time of death and I have no wish to look at a dead person after that. Remember how they were and their life not their death.

This is such a sad thread, I'm sure it's brought back a lot of memories, I know it has for me

Me too Ella
I was with my Mum when she died.... she did not 'go quietly into the dark night' and as soon as she died I left the room. Perhaps I should have seen her 'at rest' as my memories are of the struggle she had.

I have coped much better when other family members/friends have died, and I have had nothing to do with the process of death or of viewing the body, leaving me memories of the good times we had.

I think you have made the right decision Mishap

The Undertaker insisted Mum could only be dressed in a shroud, I was upset about that as a ridiculous thought came into my mind, that she would be cold (she died in a January) . Mum loved bright colours and my sister and I had planned that she wear her brightest orange patterned 'two piece'. So viewing her in a shroud would have been even more unpleasant!
Sorry this is so long, but it helps to 'talk' about it all these years later!

This may sound strange, but I actually envy your grief, Mishap. You have had such a long and lovely relationship with your dear father and must have such great memories of him. I wish I could remember a single word or gesture of affection from my own father. No violence, just coldness and lack of interest - I think it would be classed as emotional abuse today.
I was invited by my MIL to 'pay my respects' to my FIL in the funeral home. I was only 19, and had not realised the coffin would be open. I was quite shocked - he did not look as if he were sleeping - he looked as if he had never been alive.
I think you have made the right decision for you - you can remember his face when it was full of love for you.

I was very interested in your post Greatnan I had a very abusive relationship with my mother. Physical and emotional. I coped with it by saying to myself that I would tell her what I thought of her after she died! The anger I felt after she died at 91 made me so ill I was off work because I could not vocalise that anger and others would not have understood.

What a sad post Greatnan it reminds me a little of when my FIL died, my husband could not find a single ounce of grief for a man from whom he had never had any love or affection and suffered both mental and physical abuse during his childhood.

I find that it helps to write down the things that you cannot bring yourself to say out loud. Brendawymms

gillybob. That was the first time I have written it down. God bless all Gransnetters.

Brenda

My grandma always says that good people only ever leave good memories and bad people..............

I think that this is so true.

Brendawymms

So sad for you Brendawymms I am glad you have been able to share it with Gransnetters

Brenda; it's wonderful that someone like you should be there for people at such a time, doing your best for them. The people that were gone would take the memory with them and the people they left behind probably weren't aware of what you'd done other than feeling more at peace with what had happened. Oh that we all have someone like you in our lives at times when we need them. And Greatnan, I know where you're coming from. My parents had been such a nightmare in their later years that, when they died all I felt was relief, but wanted to feel grief and pain at their passing [that did come years later].