Viewing the body

I grieved for my lovely mother when dementia took away her entire personality - her death at 91, after years of mental torture for her, was a relief to everybody.

I remember that feeling with my mum who became very difficult in her last year. At one point my parents were in hospitals ten miles apart. My Dad at 86 from being very fit was diagnosed with a rapidly advancing duodenal cancer which killed him within two months.

My Mum kept refusing food and just after my Dad died was back in hospital very dehydrated She was very disturbed and constantly calling out that she "was dying" so was in a separate room.
The worst thing, and I still find it hard to forgive her for this was when I was visiting one afternoon and was shouting I'm dying "Wake "M (my dad) up and tell him I am dying"
Which a week or so after his funeral I found very hard to deal with.

There was something my mum must have been doing when we were young, which I find difficult to define, but she managed to sap our self esteem in a manner which left with both my sister and I with a real lack of any confidence. She was warm and caring etc but... I don't know I might work it out one day.
So many families have these complicated situations.

I can relate to what you say Nellie. My mother used to ask me if I was sure I wanted to do such and such, was I capable ? I can never remember being hugged or kissed as a child and frequently told I was a pest even though relatives tell me I was a shy unassuming child.

Harrigran Yes! I think a lot of stuff like that didn't help. I am not sure about hugging, but not half as much as I did/still do with my kids.

I think you have made the right decision Mishap.

Yes, this thread is sad. It has brought back so many memories and emotions that I have had tears in my eyes more than once. I can remember feeling surprised at the deep sadness that I felt after my Mum's death when I had known she was dying and wanted her out of her pain for a long time.

Oldgreymareyour memory made me smile. My DH says he wants to have a pair of pyjamas put in the coffin with him even though he has never worn them in real life.

This is such a personal matter, and its lovely (but sad) to read all your thoughtful posts. In our family, the deceased's body comes home as soon as possible, and from then to the funeral, the house is full of visitors paying their last respects. I have always found it oddly comforting, and for me, it feels like the right thing to do. Something about the age-old rituals, I suppose.

Nelliemoser I had a similar relationship with my mother. She somehow always made me feel I wasn't capable and said things like "do you think you would like that?" whenever I told her of some holiday or some career plan etc. She constantly commented on my weight etc. IT does wear down your self esteem and I don't think you ever recover. On the theme of this thread my mum died in a nursing home a two hour drive away. When we arrived in the middle of the night I asked to spend some time with her (body) alone and told her of all the hurts and asked all the questions I never could ask in life. I used to describe conversations with her as me building a bridge to her but she never started from her side so the bridge always collapsed in the middle (if that makes sense). It was good to sit with her after death and pour it all out - quite cathartic.

I was lucky, in spite of my father's indifference (which extended to all four of his children, at least he was fair), I was a very confident child because my mother and older siblings constantly reinforced my self esteem and this continued at school. I did feel uncomfortable that my mother made it so obvious that I was her favourite - she lost a child whilst she was pregnant with me, and she knew I would be her last child,so I think I got a double dose of love and admiration. Fortunately, my sister, who is almost four years older than me, has just left after a three week holiday with me, and tells me that she was always proud of me and never felt jealous.