Anyone else on their own for Christmas?

I haven't been there since my marriage broke up [except for one year when the S.O. and I both went to make arrangements for my daughters wedding]. I do see the family when they visit my daughter. Having lost everything friends and family wise when my marriage broke up I'm determined not to become totally dependant on someone elses family and the S.O.'s family wil never be 'mine', kind as they are to me. I'm not someone that ties chains around people although I do understand why the S.O. would be hurt [I'm inwardly sad that my son is spending Christmas Day with his girlfriends family but he'll never know that; gransnet is a great place to diffuse built up grievances ].

I do understand that JessM but what I can't understand is why a mother is made to feel that way and why should you feel the need to put "forward a strong self sufficient surface"?

I am not trying to come across as the perfect daughter or grandaughter (I am far from it) but I couldn't bear the thought of my mum or grandma being alone on Christmas day even though they drive me to distraction for the entire day .

My Son, DiL and the children have decided to spend their Christmas day at home this year. In celebration of their long awaited new kitchen my son is cooking the dinner (DiL doesn't do cooking).

I will still have a house full of parents, sister, grandma, daughter etc. and will pop over to see my son and his family in the morning.

This is a really tricky issue. Does one play the "poor lonely me role" to those who should at least think about what their close relatives might be doing at Christmas?

Do you "pretend" that you don't mind them living independent lives. Why is it that none of like to say we will feel lonely or would like company at these times?

Have we become so fixed on being independent women that we will not ask for support even when we feel we need it?

Discuss!

Perhaps one Christmas GNrs who feel alone should arrange with other GNrs to get together over Christmas and party.

Can you imagine how the relatives would feel if you suddenly told them that was what you were doing.

I could see it might be possible to say, "Well I was hoping to be with you but I was waiting to be invited."

However I can see that strategy might just backfire and the family would just say well mum or dad are OK as they have made other arrangements.

I am not entirely serious here but you might get my drift. [tchmm]

even! I missed out a h!

Every family is different. Some will respond to a mention in passing that you will be alone this Christmas with an invitation. Others need to be hit on the head with an unsubtle reminder that you do still exist on that day, you don't go into hibernation, and you provided a happy day for them all through their childhood.

I suppose the answer is to say enough to bring it into their minds that you need company, without hammering it so hard that they feel they are being judged so harshly that they may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb, and so do nothing. And if you spend Christmas day saying "And about time too!" you will leave behind a sour atmosphere that does not bode well for next year.

It is a tightrope.

I can't imagine anything worse than being invited out of duty! My mother always spent Christmas with us (though she was a very difficult person) and just assumed she would. Invitations didn't come into it. I would hate to think my kids were inviting me out of duty - "Oh we have to have mum or she will be all alone and sad". It is a difficult situation. We want to be wanted but we don't want to be a duty guest.

gillybob the being strong thing can be a family 'script" we've learned - I come from a long line of women who would have been in trouble if they had sat around waiting to be looked after. Other women had different role models.
Also we learn during out adult lives.
In adulthood I seem to have collected a series of OHs and DSs who are quite sensitive. If someone else is being all emotional then it does not help to join in. So you I am used to controlling my emotions.
I have also been through several difficult events. I disagree with the statement "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" - survivors seem to develop a range of strategies from "keep calm and carry on" to the other extreme.
So several reasons why I count myself in the "I'm fine" camp.
The women I really don't like are the manipulative ones that have their adult kids running round trying "not to upset mum" - but there is a touch of envy in there.

I know all families are different but I wonder how it ever becomes acceptable within a family that somone is left on their own on Christmas day? Does everyone just "assume" that grandma or mum is going to X's when infact X is assuming that she is going to Y's and the result is that poor mum or grandma is sitting alone.

My grandma tells me every year that she has had the most lovely day. She compliments me on the meal --and moans about the stairs--and is put in a taxi home. Her parting words are usually "I won't be here next year, so you won't have to worry about me" .

I know all families are different but I wonder how it ever becomes acceptable within a family that somone is left on their own on Christmas day? Does everyone just "assume" that grandma or mum is going to X's when infact X is assuming that she is going to Y's and the result is that poor mum or grandma is sitting alone.

My grandma tells me every year that she has had the most lovely day. She compliments me on the meal and moans about the stairs and is put in a taxi home. Her parting words are usually "I won't be here next year, so you won't have to worry about me" .

That is partly why your grandma is there every year, GillyBob - she tells everyone what a wonderful day she has had. If she carped about the meal, the children, being too hot/too cold, not seeing anyone except on Christmas Day, when you only invited her because you had to, not being thanked enough for the presents she gave and so on ad infinitum, then you might find yourself having a meal out just with OH this year.

Also, you were brought up to think of others. Some children are brought up to believe that they must have the best no matter what sacrifices anyone else makes - in fact they think that there is a bottomless well into which they can dip for ever, without ever putting anything back into it, either financially or in thought for others.

So your family pattern is all to pull together in the same direction, and you can't imagine it being any other way. Not every family works like that.

Elegran Yes I suppose you do have a point. My grandma could never say she doesn't see anyone except for christmas day though, as I am never away from hers ! She does only come to us on Christmas day as she cannot do the stairs and literally has to be carried up to the lounge after dinner (and back down again at home time).

I agree with you about being brought up to think of others. Where and why did that go wrong? Is it a generational thing? I do have 2 cousins who (rightly) "assume" that I will see to grandma and I don't just mean for Christmas dinner.

How lovely to still have your grandma! I haven't had my mother for 41 years

I don't think it is generational, GillyBob I think it depends on the personalities of parents, and also their own experiences when young. If people grumbled at having to visit older relations, then children would think it normal to be resentful and would avoid having to do it if they could.

Your cousins must have had some of the same attitudes around as you did when you were a child, but maybe there was enough of the opposite reaction from the other half of the family to stick.

And, of course, you are there to do it, so they don't even need to consider it.

I have said very firmly that I will not be part of those who say we must visit on Christmas Day . We had a tradition of going in to one place every Christmas and with two widowed mothers and an unmarried uncle and aunt who ran my poor mothers life I told my children that I would never get huffy about Christmas Day being spent with the other in laws. One SIL and his family ski and tend to go to remote places beyond the reach of cars. I am happy not to join them. The other SIL is very clear that he is going to give his children a family Xmas (his parents divorced)and I am happy to oblige either by providing it or visiting them or not as the case may be. I think he has a vision of a groaning board and merriment and laughter rather than fractious children and bickering adults(his divorced parents are included this year!)I think it will be hard work but we were all upset when his sister didn't include the mum for her Xmas day three years ago . We wanted her to stay with us but in the end she went to friends. But I still feel that Xmas with just the two of us would be great.

It is lovely to have her KatyK she is 98 this year and doing very well too. She lives alone in her immaculate little bungalow, does a little light cleaning, most of her own washing and ironing and cooks the occasional pan of stew or soup for the "the poor old people next door" too.

Yes Elegran I think perhaps I was brought up to feel responsible for the rest of the family and have taken over what was my grandma's roll. My cousins are not bad people at all, they just always assume that I will be there to see to her and don't give it a second thought. Anyway "they have busy lives"

And you, of course, GillyBob, spend your days under a dryer at the hairdressers, with one minion doing your manicure, another your pedicure, and a third hovering with a cup of coffee and a cream bun. You spoilt thing, you!

That's wonderful gilly - she sounds great. I never met either of my nans or grandads and my mum died when I was 23 (my youngest sister was only 14 at the time). Not looking for sympathy - it happens to lots of people. Just saying how lovely it is for your nan to get to that age and still be going strong.

98! Impressive gillybob

What a wonderful age GILLYBOB . Bodes well for you !!

Oooops sorry folks I have aged my poor grandma . Should have said she is 98 next birthday not "this year" she would be horrified!

Hi withany, sorry to hear of your predicament, I have no words for your ex that they would allow me to print. you are better off alone but I know it is hard. will talk to you at xmas xx

I'm feeling very down as I thought they were going to spend Xmas eve and day with me!
Now I find out they're coming late in the afternoon on Xmas eve, want an early Xmas lunch then going.
Wish now, I hadn't cancelled my cruise!

Galen sad for you.

But at least you'll have them for most of Christmas, Galen - you'll probably be exhausted by the time they leave!