How could a Mother do this

It sounds like a classic Philip Larkin situation.

Newist Good for you to be able to reveal this.

Given how you have described your childhood I get the impression you were brought up in a situation where you were expected to go along with believing your families lies and keeping secrets. That is a dreadful burden to lumber children with.

It is important to remember that all mothers are not wonderful. It seems that being prepared to acknowledge that, you might at least not feel guilty about how you feel about her now.

The world will not fall apart because you have told the truth about her.

Goodness know what your mother's up bringing was like probably also very difficult for her to find parenting so difficult.
I am not defending her but we are at the mercy of a lot of what we have experienced.

Do you recognise any similarities in personality between your difficult daughter and your mother?

Keep strong its a lot of stuff to deal with at once. (((hugs)))

What a brave post and what sad childhoods so many people have. It says so much that you have all turned out to be much better mothers yourselves

Ana and Katyk I am so sorry that your childhoods were so sad.
(((hugs)) to all of you

newist big hug. And as others have said, well done for not only surviving it all, but for being able to see it for what it is. I am so sorry for you that you married an alcoholic when you were so young.

Many families have skeletons that rattle. I never speak of my "father" on here (and will always put that in inverted commas) other than to mention him on occasion on here as being feckless. We were lucky that he didn't do more damage because he left when the three of us were very young. As I got older, I recognised that he never really cared about anyone other than himself and his string of conquests. I wasn't even sad when he died, if anything, I regretted having tried to get to know him better at one time.

I recently read a book, I wish I could remember which one it was I read so many, where the author's father (in that instance) also reinvented himself and made a new life as if his first family had never existed. But you're right, how could your mother do that.

In some ways it's over now with your mother dead. Close that chapter. I hope you find peace .

Nellie you have hit the nail on the head in regards to my mother and daughter, they are both Drama Queens, crying at will to make you feel guilty or going to great lengths to be ill, I made my mother very ill just by asking her if she was having an affair. She had a wonderful mother, my nana who when she was alive was very upset by her daughters behaviour

So let them be ill. That's just manipulative, plain and simple.

Newist, I can only echo what others have said about what a tough time you had, and hope that posting and talking about it will help.
I was struck by the similarities between your mother, and your daughter. It sounds as though you are more like your maternal nana. Most families have 'difficult' personalities in them, but I do feel for you with the similarities between your mum and your daughter.
Grannyknot's advice is good - let them be, manipulative people are so difficult to have meaningful relationships with. A bit of emotional distance from them, for you, is something to consider.

I think, no, know, that you are a wonderful, caring person newist I am proud to be your friend xx

Newist

I wonder, your daughter having inherited the 'Histrionics' gene, if you gave her a photocopy of the certificate she could have her way, cause a bit of angst and maybe feel better, she would make up with you and you would get to see your new DGD. BUT - would it last? How much would the way she brings her child up upset you? Would you be able to keep the peace, sit on the fence? It's nice to think you'd be there for the little girl as she grows - I know how difficult it is to live with a hysterical, manipulative mother - but what would it do to you - and your relationship with the rest of your family.
I don't know how far away your DD lives but maintaining bit of mental distance might be a good thing.

You are all so kind. Nfk When my daughter was 15 she wanted her then older boyfriend to stay overnight so they could have sex, I said No, two weeks after her 16th birthday she packed her bags without turning a hair and left. I went to the police they would do nothing, she came back all lovey dovey 3 years later "I'm getting married" I paid for most of the wedding, then off she went again, its been like that for 34years off and on. Now I have decided no more.

newist I admire your strength and your courage, for posting this, for responding, as you usually do, with honesty and compassion, and for rising above all these awful happenings. You deserve better.

Here, here.

Newist and everyone else suffering in this way

newist
I hope you feel better for getting it off your chest.

Newist, what a sad story. My heart goes out to you. I bet you hovered over the keyboard trying to pluck up the courage to post your story. Of course there will be bits that you have been unable to write.
I am feeling your pain today as I also lived through an abusive childhood and find it difficult to share it with anyone. I have always felt, if I revealed anything, nobody would believe me. Your story is much sadder than mine as it wasn't my mother who was my abuser but my stepmother.
Be brave, hold your head high and congratulate yourself for being a courageous SURVIVER.

Newist Such a brave post and I bet you feel better for putting it down in words it will empower you to get on with the rest of your life hopefully without this being at the back of your mind all the time ((hugs)) to you & such a brave lady.Now look forward and enjoy.

Once again, I thank each and every one of you for saying such kind things, on this thread. I can strongly recommend if anyone has long term pain from their past, to write it down, here is a good place to do that. I have always tried to keep things in different boxes in my head, mostly it works quite well, sometimes the boxes get mixed up so I have to tidy up again. This may sound a bit daft, for the want of a better word, but it works for me.
Thank You all x

There seems to be an awful lot of these "tragic upbringing" stories in print at the moment doesn't there? I wonder if much of the reasons they start off is as newist says it really does help to write it all down?

What a terrible childhood you had newist (and like many others have said) how brave of you to share it with us.

Not meaning to make light of what your mother did (when she remarried) but my (late) ex-(first) husband (there have been three altogether) had a nasty habit of knocking the oldest children and wives off the long list each time he remarried. At his funeral there were members of his newist family who still new nothing of either me or my son (the first) or indeed his second family either.

gillybob like your self I have been married 3 times, now very happily, What you have just said is very painful, to find out that you and especially your son was not recognised by his father. for you

I do not find it painful for me at all newist It was a long time ago and I did the right thing getting out of the marriage when I did. He was a serial adulterer throughout every one of his (crikey knows how many) marriages and even his latest wife (his widow) said that she was under no illusions that he would not have eventually left her and their small daughter. At his death he had quite an important job (I dare not say where on a public forum) but wore his uniform with pride. His superior stood up and read out a eulogy describing him as a great man, a wonderful father (what??) . My son did not figure in any of this at all and was quite literally knocked off the top of the list as long forgotten.

I am very happily married too newist third time lucky for us two maybe.

Newist. I'm glad you feel better for writing it down and sharing it with us. The keeping emotions packed away in boxes is a method i'v used and advised others to use. But your right sometimes the boxes just burst open and it's difficult and painful to repack them. I think you have great fortitude. I was interested in the Idea that some of these traits are inherited. My own daughter, her aunt ( my s.i.l) and my m.i.l lives are almost a carbon copy of each other's. In short a mess. They've made the same mistakes over and over. They are the most likeable people but terrible mothers. They make the most awful decisions. I just cannot understand how their brains work. I think my poor husband had an inkling from very early on. I thought he was crazy but his fears all came to fruition. I suppose this could be the start of a discussion on the nature nurture debate! Best wishes to you newist. One last thing Newist is it easier to cope as you get older?

newist I very pleased you've found, in GN, a good place to be in order to express your difficult past, and that you've received such lovely support.

However, I feel I must say that anyone who has experienced dreadful times in their past needs to stop and consider the impact it may have on themselves and others if they decide to do so, having read your comment..... I can strongly recommend if anyone has long term pain from their past, to write it down, here is a good place to do that .

I would strongly suggest this is not always a suitable place to discuss all private and painful issues.

Why not?

gillybob I am so glad it doesn't hurt, and like you say third time lucky.
Kiora I think when you get older, its a bit easier to put thinks in perspective.
ffinnochio you could well be right in saying its not wise to discuss private and personnel things on GN not every one would want to, but for me it helped

Because this forum is open to the whole world, and some people might not understand the full impact that might happen with difficult or painful disclosures.