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How could a Mother do this

(55 Posts)
newist Tue 14-Jan-14 16:09:24

I have thought about posting this many times, today seems to be the day.
As a child I lived in fear, I was a little mouse, frightened of every thing and every one. If my parents didn't get me, God would, my dads family were Irish Catholics. I was such a good child, desperate to feel loved, after all if I was naughty I would be put in a home or go to hell. I had an older brother who was the apple of my mothers eye. "Children should be seen and not heard, your elders are your betters" was drummed into me. Our house was filthy, I can never remember her changing the sheets, just another sprinkling of DDT. She would sniff at me saying, your knickers smell, I only had 1 pair. if I was ill she would tell me off because she wanted to go out.
At 11, I passed the 11 plus but I could not go to the high school because i was a girl, so money had to go to help my brother in his training.
At 15 I met someone and was encouraged in this relationship to stay "pure" and very quickly after a couple of years to get married, so that no accidents could happen, I would of been put out if I got pregnant Life continued, not happily with an alcoholic husband. The joy of my life, was and is my 3 daughters. My mother was changing, borrowing the few clothes I had, it dawned on me she was having a long term affair, when I asked her, she called me every thing under the sun for thinking that about her.
The Years rolled by, she dolled out much pain, she left my dad when he had cancer and married "Her man" I was told to go away when I visited them so I never went back.
meanwhile, this is where it gets interesting...Mother and step father built a new life for themselves, Telling all neither of them had been married before, Mother was a virgin when he met her. Totally wiping out the fact that she had ever been married to my lovely dad, neither my brother or I had even been born, I forgot to mention my brother left home, I have not seen him in 40 years because of her.
One of my daughters being quite greedy and always in debt, went along with their fantasy because she had been left all in their will, she denied me and her siblings for monetary promises. My mother died then quite recently my so called step father died, my daughter, found out she was left nothing, so she wanted me to give her my parents marriage certificate, to wave it about and cause mischief, I did not give it to her so because of that I will never see my brand new GGD. I do not know yet what subject name to give this post, I shall ponder

jinglbellsfrocks Tue 14-Jan-14 16:13:12

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

jinglbellsfrocks Tue 14-Jan-14 16:14:27

HQ! You need the red pen again. smile (No need to email smile)

Riverwalk Tue 14-Jan-14 16:21:35

No, not odd jingl just some with very sad tales to tell.

Newist that's a lot to reveal - I hope it was cathartic. smile flowers

Anne58 Tue 14-Jan-14 16:25:28

newist I do know what you mean about thinking about posting things then deciding to "just do it", I have an unfortunate relationship with my own mother, have thought about talking about it, but haven't actually done it yet.

glassortwo Tue 14-Jan-14 16:27:45

jingle I would be very surprised if there is such a thing as a perfect family, mine certainly isnt...

new your past has made you the lovely person you are {{{hug}}} I hope it has helped putting it all down. I am sorry you have no contact with your DGD. flowers

Nonu Tue 14-Jan-14 16:29:18

You are V brave to post that Newist.

jinglbellsfrocks Tue 14-Jan-14 16:29:25

No, but.....

celebgran Tue 14-Jan-14 16:32:54

It certainly was a brave thing to do newist do hope also that it helped flowers

sunseeker Tue 14-Jan-14 16:33:25

newist I am sure it took courage to post - I only hope that it helps you in some way to come to terms with your childhood. My own childhood was far from ideal - although nowhere near as bad as yours - and I know how difficult it is to admit this to others flowers

Lona Tue 14-Jan-14 16:35:18

newist I will never understand some mothers flowers I am sorry that you cannot see your dgd, but time may change that.

JessM Tue 14-Jan-14 16:37:03

newist what a horrid childhood. Well done for surviving it.
Bit confused about the marriage certificate bit. Were you trying to hide something from your daughter? But your daughter can get a copy from the national records office can't she?
It is sad how "the sins of the parents" can cause problems down the generations.

grannyactivist Tue 14-Jan-14 16:43:34

newist those of us with 'difficult' childhoods are not such a rarity - things really were very different in times gone by. What is particularly sad about your post is that the problems you had with your mother continued into adulthood and are still casting shadows. It was very brave to post about this and I hope it is a positive experience for you.

newist Tue 14-Jan-14 16:45:37

jingle you are totally right in what you say. I think we tend to post about our children because it is GN after all. There must be an awful lot of people, some may be getting on a bit, who, because of their parents. have suffered great pain. I was brought up to respect my parents. "honour thy father and thy mother" I always had problems with that one, and I still haven't worked out why someone older than me is supposed to better than me

Agus Tue 14-Jan-14 16:51:38

Newist the woman you describe was anything but a Mother. By the sound of your greedy daughter, whom you know better than anyone, I can't help but wonder if possibly her daughter/son would decide for themselves whether or not you can see your GGD. For your sake, I hope so.

I also hope you find a contented relationship with you other daughters.

I would not describe your family as odd. Some families, due to genetics and incoming new members get along well. Some families also due to genetics and new members, don't. flowers

newist Tue 14-Jan-14 16:55:16

JessM no there's nothing to hide, she wanted it quickly to take to HIS funeral to wave it about to show every one, they had both been married before. My first Great grand child was born 27th December, I am not supposed to know. This all came out when My other 2 daughters went to HIS funeral,and found out that their sister had been cut out of their will because of greed, she wanted £30000 to buy a new car, and more beside.

newist Tue 14-Jan-14 17:01:05

Yet again when the chips are down, you are all there. I am still crying but believe me I am better for it. Thank you all flowers

jinglbellsfrocks Tue 14-Jan-14 17:01:14

I despair of some of these daughters. You have done nothing wrong newist.

I might be tempted to hand over the birth certificate and let them get on with it. If that would mean you can see granddaughter.

LizG Tue 14-Jan-14 17:04:18

(((hugs))) newist very brave flowers

newist Tue 14-Jan-14 17:10:48

No enough is enough. The thing is, what has hurt the most is My dad adored my 3 girls, She has denied his existance, for that I will never forgive her

eliza Tue 14-Jan-14 17:25:45

Dear newist--I hope letting it all out has helped you to move on because you must set yourself freeee of this horrid turmoil

I too had a bit of a difficult childhood--not all bad but bad times.

Your Mum ruined your childhood, why allow her to ruin anymore of your life.

Let it all go now

Best Wishes

KatyK Tue 14-Jan-14 18:00:04

I too had a terrible childhood, physical and mental 'abuse' they would call it now. I consider that my parents ruined my life. I have made the best of what I have been left with because of them. I married, had my DD and now a lovely DGD but the physical and psychological scars have left me feeling that I am on the outside looking in as it were. I never feel good enough, have a fear of losing everything and everyone I care about. Eliza's words are wise, although not easy to put into practice.

Ana Tue 14-Jan-14 18:06:24

Same here, KatyK, but in my case it was my stepmother and my father. My stepmother was the actual abuser, but my father turned a blind eye and was unapproachable, for which I can never forgive him.

Such childhood experiences do leave their mark, and I am full of admiration for those who can rise above them and make a success of their lives.

KatyK Tue 14-Jan-14 18:11:32

Me too Ana. I am sure you have made a success of yours, as have I under the circumstances. People say to me now, you have a nice life don't you. Yes I do on the outside and I am grateful. It's just the inner you that struggles isn't it?

Ana Tue 14-Jan-14 18:15:12

Yes indeed,