Christmas Crackers

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?

Because he had a low "elf" esteem!

What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A puddle.

here

I have some perfume samples already! Excellent idea.

Why are teddy bears never hungry?

Because they are always stuffed.

I am soooo loving these jokes

I made crackers and put miniature bottles of spirits and liqueurs in them for the adults. That seemed to go down well .... hic.

How does an Eskimo put up his decorations?
Igloos them on.

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?

A Holly Davidson!

Why do elephants all have grey trunks?
Because they all belong to the same swimming club.

What is Santa's cat called?

Santa Claws.

What is Santa's dog called?

Santa Paws.

(sorry, ill, but still trying )

What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your pyjamas?

Your mum.

(sorry it's not Christmassy)

For flip's sake! It wasn't that bad!

It wasn't that good either!

That is like another (non-Christmassy) one - ould have typed cowesis brown and steams out of cows backwards? The Isle of Wight ferry.

Yes I know I should have typed Cowes, but that would have given away the punch line. It is really an audio joke, not a written one.

Ballsed that up. Blasted keyboard. What is brown and steams out of cows backwards?

vampirequeen you've reminded me of how long it took my son to get the hang of jokes. He used to come out with long, complicated stories and expect me to fall about laughing. None of them were even the tiniest bit funny!

DD's favourite joke - What's brown and sticky? A stick!

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers? in case he got a hole in one

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
Jungle Bells.

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff!

What do you call Father Christmas in the beach?

Sandy Clause!