Partners and step grandchildren

Very helpful and sensible comments on here. The only thing I would add is sympathy about being 'piggy in the middle', trying to please everyone. The risks are that it puts such a strain on you that it is impossible to maintain in the long term. And that if you can't make it work for you and your husband, you risk having burned your boats with your children and grandchildren, if they have learned to keep a bit of distance and not to make spontaneous contact. I hope for you that this isn't what happens, but my experience was that I let things get more fraught and more distant for so long that by the time I left my husband (for this and other reasons), my easy relationship with the children and grandchildren had diminished and I'm still trying to rebuild things. Some of the children are willing to do this but others have withdrawn so much it is very hard.
However you decide to deal with it - good luck.

As he has never had children and presumably didn't want any I am guessing that he doesn't particularly like children and possibly finds them noisy,demanding and irritating. I do think you need to sit down and talk to him to see if you can resolve this issue. Full on children can be very exhausting especially if there is no love in the relationship. It's his home too so I think you should have a discussion about their visits and overnight stays. It must be quite difficult for him if it is 'put upon him' without any prior knowledge. Could you try and work out if there are things he enjoys doing eg. a sport or hobby that he could share with the children so that their visits become more enjoyable for him and therefore more pleasant for everyone.

Elysium I had exactly the same with a past partner I remember one Christmas dinner he was missing I eventually tracked him down in bed he told me I had served the kids dinner before his at first I tried to placate him but this time I didn't and he stayed in bed all Christmas needless to say the relationship went into the bin Funny how some men can be jealous of kids

I think your DH just has a different view of family life that sounds incompatible with yours.

You need to sit down and discuss the situation like grown ups and see if you can BOTH compromise. If one if you is unwilling to give a little, then you need to consider ending the relationship as the situation will probably get worse.

Personally, I love the visits from our grown up DC's but I would hate it if they just dropped by unannounced and intruded on our plans. However, as we moved and now live in another country, this can't happen anyway. :-)

My life does not revolve around offspring 24/7 but I appreciate that for others, they want to be involved with their adult children's lives on an ongoing basis.

It's unfair to say he's wrong and you're right though just because you view family relationships differently. But if you're not willing to meet him halfway, then you need to be totally honest with him.

I have exactly the same situation. I brought up three boys on my own and have five grandchildren. My husband didn’t get grandchildren until much later (mine are aged from nineteen down to four and his are aged three and five) and so I struggled the same as you. And still do.

I see at as a form of jealousy – my husband doesn’t want to share the love I have (or had, as it has now dropped to an all-time low) for him with my own flesh and blood. My children see the difference in me. I do too. I used to like me and now I don’t like myself like I used to.

While I ‘like’ my husband, I am now trying to keep in better contact with my children and grandchildren. I am trying to make up the lost time.

What’s most important to you? Decide the answer to that and play your cards in that direction.

Nanacool Sorry to hear about your impossible situation. If you are already giving him quality time then this is very simple. You need to sit down and put the question to him as to how he wants his life to be. You can then tell him if this is possible with you in his life as you are a package deal and are not a solitary person. I suspect he wants you all to himself with no 'impediments' so regrettably it really is never going to work.
You need to think of yourself in all of this too. It is not funny being pulled in different directions and made to feel guilty whatever you do. If your OH really loved you he would not put you in this position but my feeling is that he only loves himself. Sad for him because, by being totally selfish, he is going to be the loser if you get a grip on this whole situation and work out just how you want your family life to be and then get it sorted.
There are decisions to be made! I wish you all the best!

I sympathise as I had a few problems when my GC started to arrive as my DH had no children of his own so not at all good with children & resented what I spent on them (always out of money I had earned myself & now my pension).He would do childish things like taking all the nice biscuits for himself- so petty. However as they got older & became more 'interesting' he is brilliant with them & they adore him. It was tough going at times & he also bowed out of family gatherings at times. To be fair he did always try to relate with them but it took them getting a sense of humour for them to start to click. He has them in stitches (sometimes not totally appropriate jokes etc but just a bit cheeky which they think is hilarious especially as I always tell him off for it).
Just do your own thing with your children & he has the choice to be left out or stop behaving like a child himself & join in & have fun.

How difficult for you - he sounds very, very unreasonable. Just a thought, but if you explained to your daughters why your GC can't come to stay, at least they would know that it was none of your doing (which I'm sure they already are aware of). They may have practical suggestions, like you going to them more often on your own or on holiday with them on your own - which is what many grannies do!

I do hope you sort out these problems - you don't want to regret missing your daughters and GC lives, and he does sound a bit of a misery!

From a different position, my daughter is childless through choice and her partner has children who spend 50% of their time with their father.
Daughter resents that she has only 1 weekend in 6 alone with partner and his children always come first with him. She has never liked, much less loved, these children, who are now teenagers. I feel sorry for them all, their situation is unsatisfactory for everyone.

I feel your pain Nanacool. I'm in a similar position and my best advice is put your children first in a kind way with your husband. He made his position clear to you about his work, so it is your right to make it clear to him that your children are incredibly important to you and he should stop being selfish and childish. Your children and grandchildren deserve to have you fully in their lives as much as you both want. Its not going to be easy but stick to your guns and don't give in. If he's too stupid to accept this .... is he worth keeping. I would rather have no relationship than a bad one that kept me away from my family.

watermeadow could you set an example to your daughter around `these` children ! are you a granny to them?. It sounds awful for her partner and his kids to be in such an unhappy, resentful environment . She must have been aware that she would be sharing her life with the children of her partner when she got with him so why the resentment ?

Through the ages it is clear to see that children absolutely thrive on the unconditional love of their grandparents! And to witness this in full flight is just the best. Anyone who feels this is an un-natural way to behave with family probably come from families where this love just wasn't on the cards . . . so to see others receiving this very quality of pure love from their partners must feel very threatening.
However the truth of the matter is as "norton" says: "If he's too stupid to accept this .... is he worth keeping. I would rather have no relationship than a bad one that kept me away from my family."
I totally agree . . . my family are very very precious to me!

Please help I’ve been with my wife 10 yrs in this time my own daughter has had 2 children which my wife has nothing to do with and if she is asked how many kids or grandchildren she has she does not include my children or grandchildren ?… also in this time my step daughter has had two children ( we don’t have any kids together ) I’ve always said we have 6 kids and 4 grandchildren. Recently in an argument my wife said our grandchildren from my step daughter has nothing to do with me as they are not blood. I can not move past it and don’t want to see them and not their fault as I love them dearly . I’ve never been hurt so much and lost at what to do. She has said since that I’m grampy but it’s not the same anymore as I don’t believe her and she took them away from me with her nasty mouth ?

Pa my wife has nothing to do with my daughters children via her own choice. They live in a different county and just don’t make the effort or include my daughter and son in conversations. Trouble is I love my wife dearly but struggling to move past this

We both have AC and GC and have always said 'family first'. We both agree, if the AC or GC need us we will be there. Admittedly, we see more of some than others but it makes no difference as there's no pecking order. We also both respect that we each want special time with our own AC and GC and feel this maintains our identities as we aren't joined at the hip.

This situation worked just the same when we worked as it does now we're retired.

I expect the OP has resolved the problem now as this thread is six years old.

Sodapop - Bootuk has started a new discussion on a previous thread and clearly genuinely needs advice.

Bootuk the only advice I can offer is that you explain to your wife again why you feel the way you do, with emphasis. Perhaps even ask for her understanding. You sound like a caring and loving grandfather.

Good luck.

I have some sympathy with your partner. He goes out on Saturday knowing your grandson will be staying, returns to find son and granddaughter 'have decided to stay' as well; daughter arrives with children, presumably the 'full-on ' boys, so the entire family is there during the weekend. Why are they not in their own homes?
You say he works very hard so I don't blame him for wanting some peace and quiet at the weekend. Your family seem to treat your home as a drop-in centre. Your partner has never had children so he is going to find this extremely chaotic family life hard to take.
You do need to organise your time with your children and offspring and take your partner's feelings into consideration as well.

Totally agree with easybee post

The word jealousy leapt out from your post Nannacool.

I have years and years of experience of this, to the point of splitting up twice.
You should not be put in a position of awkwardness for doing what any mum would do and the appearance of the atmosphere each and everytime your children and GC appear or their names mentioned, its a horrible, tense feeling, a very sad feeling.

Personally I didn't stand for it, I wasn't having it in my children's lives.

I am so very, very sorry you are going through all this, I so feel for you.

Bootuk

Please help I’ve been with my wife 10 yrs in this time my own daughter has had 2 children which my wife has nothing to do with and if she is asked how many kids or grandchildren she has she does not include my children or grandchildren ?… also in this time my step daughter has had two children ( we don’t have any kids together ) I’ve always said we have 6 kids and 4 grandchildren. Recently in an argument my wife said our grandchildren from my step daughter has nothing to do with me as they are not blood. I can not move past it and don’t want to see them and not their fault as I love them dearly . I’ve never been hurt so much and lost at what to do. She has said since that I’m grampy but it’s not the same anymore as I don’t believe her and she took them away from me with her nasty mouth ?

You need to start a new thread. You will get more responses.

granmeg

Nannacool, your situation resonates with me. I have been with my partner for 23 years and in the last 8 years I have had 5 grandchildren by my 2 daughters from my marriage. They don't live nearby (1 1/2 hours to each of them by car which I don't have). He is reluctant for them to come here for the occasional day (though they do about twice a year) and flatly refuses to have the GCs to stay, saying that if he had wanted children in the house he would have had children. Motherhood was my life's dream and I had wanted to build a close relationship with my GCs. I haven't told my daughters about this rule as it would hurt them too much. I have fretted about it so much that I am now on the verge of moving out and away to be closer to my real family.

This sounds like such a sad way to live @granmeg. Is he controlling in other ways too?

I am very lucky with my bloke that he loves my DGS, despite being no relation to him. If he didn't, he would see very little of me. That boy is my life and I wouldn't tolerate anyone that didn't love him too. He came to his birthday meal and is coming to the childrens party.

I have to say, I would not be (and will not be if he has any, at any point) as inclusive and involved with his grandchildren if he had any. I don't like other people's children. Yes, selfish I know. But that is an honest statement, despite knowing I'll be castigated for it.

I had my son seven and daughter three when I started courting. I would not have married if my then partner had any issue with children. He is considered their dad and adores them and now adores our grandchildren.
I do not want to sound hard but this partner is totally selfish and making your life a misery. You should be enjoying your family not living on your nerves. Your partner works hard and needs rest most people do. He does not accept your family get rid of him.

And your still with him lol I’d have kicked him to the kerb no man would treat my kids or grandkids that way. Did you not hear blood is thicker than water. They are your blood he’s your water. Question how long are you going to put up being in a control relationship.