Not so much a cracker joke as a cartoon for all you mad cat ladies cat lovers.
You asked so nicely Luckygirl. I've done my best to 'de-rudify' 
THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
December 14
My dearest darling John,
My heart melted this morning when I received a Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever thank you for thinking of me this way.
My love always, Felicity
December 15
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift - two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Felicity
December 16
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. I really don't deserve such generosity. 3 French hens. They are just darling but you've been too kind.
All my love, Felicity
December 17
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately, Felicity
December 18
Dearest John:
What a surprise - five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Felicity
December 19
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again? These geese are huge. The neighbours are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially, Felicity
December 20
John:
What is it with you and those birds?? Seven swans a swimming? What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
Sincerely, Felicity
December 21
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, sicko.
Felicity
December 22
Listen Sh**head:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And boy - do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours! Felicity
December 23
You rotten p**ck.
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been *** those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhoea. My living room is a river of sh**. The Landlord has summoned me to explain why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm calling the police on you! Felicity
December 24
Listen **head:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of them will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing unspeakables with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy, Felicity
December 25
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling with things that shouldn't be fiddled with which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Felicity. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should be addressed for our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Felicity at Happy Daze Sanctuary, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Bender & Co.
Juney64 - splendid. Yes I too was "re-rudifying" en route. Many thanks. 
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