Why does my daughter treat me this way?

My mother got a letter once a fortnight if she was lucky from when I left home at 18! Once I had a home of my own she visited once a year! We lived hundreds of miles apart in those pre internet days and that was the pattern for most of my contemporaries as there was little work in the area where we grew up.
Most young families, often with both parents working nowadays, have horrendous hours and financial pressures, so Grannies are lucky to fit in, except where they can be useful

I quite agree Ziggy, my daughter only rings when she wants something.i.e babysitting usually, help with house, car, etc.
I sometimes dread the phone ringing as it's usually DD wanting me to do something I don't particularly want to do.

Sounds mean I know, but sometimes you do feel a bit used.

It seems sad that your daughter can't just phone for a chat more often, but every two weeks isn't too bad. I've always envied people with daughters, having sons only. But I realise that the mother/daughter relationship isn't always as perfect as I used to dream it was. I am lucky that I get on well with my sons and see them regularly, and I have three grand-daughters so I feel blessed.
Adult children can be thoughtless, but mostly it's just that they lead busy lives.

I felt a bit like this about 4 years ago I'd had a terrible year and I really pushed the boat out at Xmas and I was devastated to receive hardly anything from them after all I do for them it really got to me but I'd say let it go otherwise it just consumes you
I have a great relationship with them now so maybe give it time

It amazes me how many of us can find excuses for our family. I have done it also until one day I realized that children make time for what they want to do. How difficult would it be while taking their children to wherever for a child to call their parent from their car to just say a two minute hello? If they can find two minutes to write on Facebook to post a food picture from a restaurant then why can't they call their parent in that same time? Saying they are busy is letting them off easy. We all have been or are busy. It's really about priorities isn't it? I was a working mom, single for a few years, yet I managed to talk and see my parents and grandmother regularly. I think many are afraid to speak up to their children or expect certain behaviors for fear of losing that child. That does nothing but create a generation of entitled children. What happened to " honoring your parents?"
Selfies, Twitter, Facebook have made our children all a little more self serving. They won't reject our money but give very little in return.

Good post Rhinestone

I am also in agreement with Grannypiper however harsh it might sound. I just cant understand how nearly everyone is making excuses or her dreadful behaviour. So they are busy bringing up a family but I am sure there is some time just for a phone call, how long does it take for goodness sake. I would also ask why do ou need a joint bank account? For one your credit scoring will be linked with your daughter so if she doesn't keep herself financilly goodt then it will also show on your scoring. My bank advised me not to do it with my daughter when I was looking at doing so. I think you need a long hard talk with daughter about how you feel.

Just for the record my son has just changed jobs to work less hours so he can help more with my disabled daughter. Its about getting your priorities right.

Much the same here . I looked after my grandchildren last Saturday as my SIL was at work inA and E all day and my DD was on call all day. I enjoyed doing that but it does seemI'm only invited when they need help. Slightly better since they moved much nearer to me,but it would be nice to be invited for Sunday Lunch occasionally as I am on my own since my DH died over 8 years ago . Seems this situation is quite common from talking to friends. Some do have much more contact which is lovely for them.

I phoned my mother every day when I was a stay at home mum. Less when I was working. I tried with mil but she wasn't easy as DH had dreadful hours when we were young and often fell asleep the moment he had eaten. He barely saw me or the children. Mil firmly believed that if I said he wasn't home I was trying to stop her talking to him or him talking to her. When my DM was in her last year and we had moved to the north of England I phoned morning noon and night and she probably got fed up with me until I persuaded her to move in with us. Mil was another 15 years being crotchety but I made DH phone up weekly when his hours became more humane. He didn't enjoy talking because she grumbled. So when the dd phone up- one rarely I try and be upbeat and always ring off first so that I don't seem needy

BTW I had a joint account with my mum for for many years.
After dad died in '86 she had trouble getting access to his savings account. So mum added me to her current and savings accounts to prevent the same.

Sometimes, grandchildren keep in touch via their parent hen they ring them, so it maybe that you are in their thoughts more than you know.

The house the money etc, what else would you do with it? Better surely to see them have the benefit of it now than wait until you have no need of it yourself.

King Lear was right about some kids, but they are the way that life shapes them and we were part of that.

My kids used to ring my dad and then complained to me that he hardly spoke to them, a generational mismatch, dad thought phones were for emergencies and not chit chat.

You could try asking them to catch up with you, if you call and they are just 'on their way out' ask them to ring you later and tell you all about their day.

Good luck with it, I have one child who speaks to none of us, at all, ever.

have you tried keeping in touch via facebook messaging? they can then reply when they have the time

I know it's a generalisation but it does seem that many people live very egocentric lives now-and maybe you're on the receiving end of that. But relationships do change over time so it may not always be as it is now. It is painful and hurtful but if you can see a way forward perhaps you could distance yourself from them a bit as well, and get immersed in an aspect of your own life that brings you some happiness. This will at least distract you so you don't keep thinking of them. You're not alone.

Poor SandraK much of what you describe seems quite par for the course for many of us (the phone calls or lack of unless childcare is needed) but I think Luckygirl is right, when our DC were young and we were juggling jobs most of us didn't give our own parents the time and attention we would like now.
Doesn't mean they don't love you, but you have much more time to think about things and to miss them(more than they miss you, harsh but true. That is life)
Two things occur to me(maybe three)
1) Why the joint bank account?
She is a married woman not a dependent child so I would terminate that (nicely) forthwith.
2) it sounds as if you need more to fill your time and to make you a more interesting person in your own right. It will give you something to talk about and they may be relieved you are then less needy
3) if you are recovering from pneumonia you may well be feeling like sh*t and the slightest thing will depress you. Not saying you don't have (some) cause, but it may seem less dire once you are on the mend.
Finally, without wishing to diminish the pain you are feeling - things could be a lot worse and if you read any of the "estranged" threads on GN you will see many instances of worse.
So chin up, try to get things in proportion (and do not forget that a GIFT should be given without strings. )
{{hugs}}

I agree with poster above .I was35 by the time my parents had a phone and constant contact was not expected.I did write to them occasionally . Afer dad died I did ring my mum.once a week but no more .One DD calls about once a fortnight the other never. I dont ring them as one DD works shifts and the other is often out. .But we all text and have a Whatsapp group to share news. Occasional email if there is something to 'sort out'. And I'm their friend on FB ,as is their father
Its fine by me ...can't understand the need to be always talking/in touch. I love my DDs dearly and we get on very well .

"What do you think folks?" is your question - this is what I think. I think the situation is entirely normal and that you are hoping for too much, and worrying too much.

"They are lovely when they visit"
"My daughter was brilliant when I had a hip replacement"
"I know deep down she loves me."

These all sound wonderful and I am sure you appreciate these.

But they seem to be overshadowed by what I feel are unreasonable expectations:

"A phone call every few days would do it." - sometimes my DDs do this, sometimes, they don't. It never occurs to me to mind in any way - I know that they are getting on with their lives (which is what we bring them up to do after all) and that I am there in the back of their minds and they would be ready to help if needs be (as your DD has in the past).

"why don't you phone Grandma to say goodnight?" - none of my 7 GC have EVER phoned me to say goodnight - why would they?

" When I called today (after 3 days) just to speak to my grandson, he didn't even ask if I was recovering and said they were in a hurry because they were on their way out!" - mine are so busy and are often on their way out if I ring - that is fine by me.

And I do find it strange that you totted up the Christmas presents and found them lacking, and that you felt the spaceship your DGC had made for you was somehow lacking - I love getting presents that the children have made. This Christmas I had just one present from everyone - a handbag - no not an expensive designer one!; but there is nothing I need and they know that. They also know that I do not need material things to demonstrate their love for us.

We too have given money to our children from a legacy to enable them to put down deposits on their homes - there are no strings on that - we expect nothing in return, except to know that they have more comfortable homes than they might otherwise have had.

If they sense your resentment, they are likely to reduce contact even more.

We get on with our lives and enjoy those things that being retired makes possible, and let our children get on with theirs. We love to see them and make them welcome and enjoy the bit of child care we do.

Could you try and think more positively? - there are grandparents on here who do not see their GC at all.

I agree with most of what's already been said. I think as a parent being taken for granted is pretty much par for the course. I often feel similar to SandraK and although it's made me frequently upset and sometimes angry I have now learned to accept that my daughter is as she is. I may be at fault too to a certain extent as I am very independent and capable and rarely ask for help so perhaps she doesn't feel the need to worry about me much. I do see her and grandchildren often though as they live quite close by so I'm luckier than most I suppose. My advice would be to accept that everyone is different and we can't always expect others to behave in the way we would - hard as that can be to swallow.

NANNA. ....

NANNA.....Having read all of these messages today has helped me a lot.
I must agree with your last sentence 100%.
I've been having a similar problem with my step daughter and now realise that I just have to accept what you say. I used to phone my elderly parents every Sunday.....even after a huge row that I had with my Dad I still continued the same pattern. I have regular contact with my other step family so consider myself fortunate to have that and hope that my step daughter will in time change her attitude. It's just so weird that she never phones and just uses whatsap but even that has stopped now that I told her some home truths !!! Good luck to everyone here who shares the same problem.

A similar experience here too with one of our daughters. She only contacts us (usually by text) when she wants something,. We sold our house and rented near to family but moved back after a short time for a variety of reasons. The main reason being we were told in no uncertain terms that "we were not to live in their pockets" to which I replied that we were not to be at their beck and call. We kept one side of the bargain and not hard to guess which. In the 6 months we were there, we didn't get invited round for so much as a cup of tea.
Initially, I was very upset but have since taken a more positive approach and now decided that it's time to live life for us and not our family.
On a positive side, our other two children are much more considerate.

Seems to me you have done over and beyond a lot of things for them and they are very lucky to have you, don't take this the wrong way but they seem to take you for granted. It's nice to help out and to support them but I think you should pull back a bit and not do so much finically for them.

I don't think we should make excuses for our children if they are behaving badly. I have regular contact with mine, (by text quite a lot, which is fine). I am always there for them and would expect the same in return.

I get pretty much the same from DD. She never calls unless she wants something, and I've given up calling/texting her as she never answers or replies. Even email is rarely responded to. Although she has in the past suggested that we should have weekly Skypes so I can see/talk to DGS she never sticks to it so it's more like twice a year. Somehow I manage to ensure that I see them approx once a month. Either I go there or I pay for them to come to me (she's always too broke to buy a train ticket, but not too broke to spend money on things she wants).
I don't like it, but it's just the way it is

I would say that the OP's situation is par for the course (mind you, we do have weekly contact with the two of our sons who have children).

Back in the 80s, I probably didn't phone or write to my parents very often either to let them speak to the children.

So the payback will come when they are grandparents themselves.

Now I am one myself, I regret not including my parents more (we lived abroad) when the children were little and am doing what I can to keep my mother up to date with her great-grandchildren.