Why does my daughter treat me this way?

I, too, have found encouragement in this thread. I am going through a horrendous time with BOTH my son and daughter. Daughter lives in USA. Too long a story to write here, but the upshot is I am now forbidden by son in law (he's American and almost my age!) to contact them electronically (!) or by telephone, and that I have to go and get checked out for a personality disorder !!!! (I did go to my doctor who was wonderful and wrote an official letter saying I'm sane basically!!!).
This all came about because I sent a coat for my GD (4) and my daughter wrote back that I have to stop sending things as it makes her feel she can't look after the children 'without you' .... It was a gift because I love her....... And I'm four thousand miles away!!!!
My son and DIL in Wales won't let me visit my GS during half term either....
Like many others, I only need the most basic contact, but it's not forthcoming!! This is just the tip of the iceberg!!! Thanks for letting me rant.....

I have three children and all of them are also different in their day to day involvement with the family. You have to step back from this situation and ask yourself why do you need this involvement? I agree that contact with children doesn't necessarily equate to their regard for you and we all need to remember that.

It seems to me that you do way to much for your daughter and you should be more realistic in what it is reasonable for her to expect from you. You risk what happened for me with one of my offspring in that contact ceased when financial practical help was withdrawn but at least I am no longer perusing an unwanted relationship.

I am glad I read these posts and am not alone.
I feel the same way about my children, especially my sons. They live very close to me, yet despite having periods of ill health, I hardly ever get a text from the boys. My husband says it's because I play everything down and they lead very busy lives. Most of my conditions are unseen, so you would never know how unwell I am. The only time they fussed was before Christmas when I had an op on my hand and had a massive bandage from fingers to shoulder! One son cancelled a trip to London to take me into and pick me up from hospital. You could have knocked me down with a feather.
I wonder if I am expecting too much. I worked full time, brought up three children, at the same time studied for another degree and looked after my elderly, frail mother with Alzheimers.So I expect them to be caring like us was.
I dread getting to the stage where I will need their help, I don't see them stepping up to the mark. They are not bad people, just quite self centred and busy with their lives I think.We look after baby GD two days a week, but are expected to drop everything to cover other gran's days at the drop of a hat. No thanks, no apologising for us having to cancel plans.I often wonder where we went wrong. Too much done for them and too much help from the bank of mum and dad!
It's easy to say, don't give them any more money, or say "No" when asked to help. The bottom line is we love our children and don't like to see them doing without.

Because she knows you love her and will forgive all every time. She is probably depressed and cannot think outside the box. Give her time and keep support going as much as you can. She will be thinking about you but then feels guilty so she puts off getting in touch till she feels stronger. The result of the pressures of modern life, I'm afraid.

I hope this makes sense to you. Things will get better in time. Good luck and keep strong!

My two children treat me badly. I don't exist even though there are three GC that I never see. Not to send money for birthday but don't know what the GC are into. I had to have bereavement counselling to understand a bit better. I don't like the situation. I cannot accept the situation but have developed a put up and shut up attitude. It breaks my heart, I am so lonely as I cannot get out much and have just a couple of friends who both work and have lovely families around them. Sorry for your situation.

I too have a daughter who shows no interest whatsoever in what's happening in my life. Unfortunately, unlike so many others who have responded to this post, I don't think it's just a case of people being so busy these days, that's just an excuse we make for them - we were busy too. I think it's a case of us being responsible for our own disappointment. We appear to have raised a nation of spoilt children, continuing the practice of our parents in trying to give them more than we had ourselves, but it's now got to a point where having given them so much, they have turned out to be incredibly selfish, only concerned with themselves and their own needs and desires. I appreciate that when we do things to help our kids out, ie, minding the grandkids etc., we don't do it for any reward, caring for the children is enough in itself, but I thought I'd brought my daughter up to understand that families should help each other out in times of need. When I had cause to challenge my daughter on this at one time, pointing out how much I've helped her out with anything and everything over the years, she told me 'you don't do things for what you get back, people should only do things for each other if they want to'! In other words, I wanted to do things to help her out, but she DIDN'T WANT to do anything for me in return even when I needed her assistance, talk about selfish. She's held it against me for years that she didn't have a computer as all her friends did when she was a teenager, when in actuality probably only one of two from wealthier backgrounds did - the fact was, that at that time, computers were very expensive and we simply couldn't afford to buy one for her, although of course we would have, if we'd had the money. So I'm really sorry SandraK, but I think it's a case of learning to live with the fact that our offspring are just plain selfish!

Now wait for all the objectors to write in!! lol.

No NudeJude .... No objections from me. I agree wholeheartedly- our children's generation seem to be immensely selfish at times.... and how lucky for the mums who have fantastic children who do actually keep in touch ....

NudeJude I agree with you!
Just sitting here fuming about family brunch here yesterday, organised by DD at MY house. No-one brought as much as a bunch of flowers and they left without either a word of thanks, or offers to help with clearing up or do the dishes.(Dishwasher had packed up)
DD cooked, but abandoned trays, pots etc. This was despite the fact that I was wheezing like a banshee and my hand was in a splint.
I didn't bring them up to be like this. I am so disappointed in them! It just wasn't worth the huffing and puffing, asking them to help.

I don't keep in touch much with my mother, I do the duty visit either once a week or once a fortnight. She is 85 and very active, but she's also a vindictive controller who has never shown any love,she just likes to control people with her money. And when they don't play her game she very 2 faced. So it's not always the child's fault

I was an only child and consequently felt very swamped by my needy mother. I always vowed never to put the same pressures on my children I think they probably get cross because I am so busy.

I do a fair bit of babysitting and have just had grandson to stay for a couple of nights which was lovely but I don't expect anything from them.

If my daughters complain I am so busy I always ask them if they would prefer me to be sitting doing nothing just waiting for their call. They wouldn't !!

I agree with all the comments that have been made. My son and his partner are the exactly the same, except at Christmas they go over the top with gifts, many of which I could do without! I'd rather they held onto the money, so they don't have to "borrow" it from me later in the year!! They just don't think. They are busy working and living life. Its true to say that our parents may well have thought the same about us!

I phone my DD one week and she rings me the following week. Could you not suggest this to your DD? My DD, her DH and DGC visit us 3 or 4 times each year as both my DD and her DH both work full time with a one year old to get to and fro to nursery. We visit them 3 or 4 times each year as my DH works full time and even though I only work 2 days a week I can't visit my DD as she is at work. They live 150 miles away. Try to develop friendships who can be companions when you go on days out. I do send picture post cards to DGC with animals on one each month so he will not forget me. Have you considered facetime I sometimes facetime my DD and see my DGC?

You are trying too hard and expecting too much. Just because you are giving, giving, giving do not expect that to be replicated. They are a family with (presumably) normal needs and actions. That cannot always include you. In fact they may well feel over indebted to you and awkward. Give them space and leave them to come to you, even if that seems to you to take far too long.

The fact that your daughter was there for you when you had that operation surely shows that she thinks about you and will be there again if need be.

You have made their life easier but they may not appreciate it as much as someone who had nothing to start with. It has all been too easy for them. That can mean their value judgements are not as you would wish. Time to back off and wait for them to come to you.

NudeJude you'll get no objection from me. I think there's a deal of accuracy in what you say even though it is a sweeping generalisation. My main problem is that I keep trying to understand how this could happen from 2 children who were reared in a loving, giving, solid and sharing relationship for all of their formative years and more. Selfishness just wasn't seen or practised around us. Where has it come from and why do they consider it acceptable?

This thread is so reassuring. Like others, we tried very hard to bring up caring, thoughtful people but seemed to have failed with one. The most annoying thing for me, is that the our daughter is lovely with other people. She seems to save her selfishness just for us.

I am sorry to read so many posts from P's who feel, understandably IMO, that they are being taken for granted. That said, it's been nice to read so many supportive posts and see that by feeling able to share your feelings on GN SandraK you've enabled others to do the same.

Sadly we are estranged from our youngest son and only GC and have been for more than 4 years now. Our only other child, his brother is living in Aus. He and our lovely d.i.l. have busy lives, working and enjoying the beautiful year round weather. Despite that we skype almost every week or have a long chat over the 'phone with our son. TBH we talk to him more now that he's on the other side of the world than we did when he was living just a 5 minute car ride away.

Perhaps for us and him, the situation with his brother and the fact that he is so far away has made us all take stock and realise how important regular contact is.

for all of you who have, and continue to do so much for your AC but feel unappreciated.

I am so sorry or are feeling so upset. I also agree with some of the things mentioned Grannypiper. I have 1 DD and 1DS. I have giving them everything and sacrificed to provide for them, my choice. When my DD WAS 19 I was very ill and spent 6 weeks in hospital and I was heartbroken that she never visited once. I never told her how I felt. She married in 2006 and I was told that her Mil was "blending in" for the photos and that she didn't know what all the fuss was about "mother of the bride". In 2015 she had a our first DGS and when she told us she was pregnant I was delighted but quickly told that "the bean" had more than one Grandmother. We been really good parents, been there for her and spent endless. We constantly have hints of new kitchens, cars wanted and when we do not provide her behaviour is shameful. My point is, we suffered in silence because we were trying to keep our daughter and now we are sorry we didn't speak up sooner and close the bank of mum and dad much earlier. Her husband brought it to a head by asking us when we were going to downsize and give him some cash. As soon as the bank shut we were history. We don't see her or our DGS as her husband is controlling the situation.
You do matter and you deserve to be happy. Don't let people take advantage of you or use you. I am trying to keep busy, it's hard, but we have to create a life for ourselves as life as you know it can change in a heartbeat. Hope you feel better soon x

Some very good advice on here about thinking positively with which I agree. It's also made many of us reflect on how we treated our own mothers when we were busy working mums. I hope I did alright on that score, but it's also made me think about my maiden aunt who was also my god-mother. I know I didn't manage to find enough time for her when my children were growing up and I regret that now. A little more sharing of my life and family would have given her immense pleasure. I am very blessed to have daughters and granddaughters whom I love and who love me. I haven't the slightest idea of how often we ring each other!

I have three adult sons, also a teenager who is still at home. I hear very little from my eldest. It can go weeks before he will call. I do text him and ask how him, how his wife and my grandchildren are getting on. I rarely hear back, though he obviously reads the texts as he will comment on what I have put the next time I speak to him.
I have bought up the issue of little contact with him and my daughter in law. She was unaware how little he did contact me and for a while it increased. But now all fallen away again.
I will say that he is a wonderful man, fantastic with his children and if I have any problems he will help as much as he can.
It would just be nice to get a phone call or text now and then.

My second son lives in Canada and I actually hear from him far more than I do his brother. We Skype weekly and email inbetween.

Third son I hear from all the time and he visits weekly for his Sunday dinner

fourth son is still at home, so I have no problem keeping in touch with him

All have been brought up the same, so I wonder how they can turn out so differently.

sandra I'm feeling very sad for you. I can't see how anyone can be too busy without 5 mins free a couple of times a week (or more) to give a quick call to their parent ..... It's quite beyond my comprehension!

Putting aside what you've done for them because it's not really the point .... There really is no excuse for such selfish behaviour.

Don't blame yourself because she had a less than perfect childhood. That was then and she's a big girl now and a quick text just doesn't cut it.

My parents were positively awful yet I did the decent thing and called a few times weekly as well as helping them both a huge amount. Why? Because they were old and needed help and if their own daughter abandoned them, who was going to be there to do the zillion things that old people find a problem from changing a lightbulb to getting a plumber.

I don't want to meddle but seems to me her and your SIL are very spoilt. As for so many gransnetters saying oh that's how it is nowadays, I say "rubbish". Perhaps they all need to put their phones down, lay off Facebook etc and pop in to see their parents.

I say this not because my children are uncaring. They're not. In fact my daughter calls every day just to say "hi". If I didn't hear from my son got a week, I would wonder if he was unwell. They both have tremendously busy careers, young children etc but they find time to pick up the phone!

But Sandra keep the lines of communication open! However, close the joint bank account!!! Wishing you success with your family. She's a very silly young woman .......

I do know how it feels to get little attention from a child. My DS lives in New Zealand and has 2 little girls. I'm lucky if I speak to him once a month. I rarely get a birthday card or present from him. But I know he loves me and I brought him up to be independent so I can't really complain when he is! My DD is different has always been a good communicator and makes a fuss of my at a Christmas and birthdays. However I don't expect her to be all over me- I'm still the parent and I think we as a generation have rather kept our children dependant on us for longer than we probably should've done. I don't expect my children to do the chasing but ironically my own parents expect me always to be the one to ring them and check how they are. I often feel stuck in the middle!

I moved 2 years ago to be nearer DD & DGS after DH died, I live about 10 miles from DD, we don't meet up with any regularity but always message on facebook particularly as DD is now expecting DGS2. We find this easier than phone calls.

I haven't been asked to do childcare (yet) as her friends mostly help out when the (rare) need arises.

I have helped DD out financially when I've been able & know this is appreciated.

I ring my DM every couple of days, she's almost 88 & lives 300 miles away. I have more contact with her now than I did when I was younger, work/family get in the way & we forget. I feel for those of you who have little contact, a big bunch of

At least it is good to know we are not alone ! Coming up to 10 years this year since D has spoken/texted/written/phoned or e mailed ! Now given up hoping she will one day contact me. She has no idea I know where she lives ....I just want to know she is happy and healthy, nothing else...without stalking her !!

She was always a bit like this when she was at Uni ...she would drive up (past my house in the car I bought her (and paid all bills for) ) to see her friends.....I never knew until one of her friends said did I see her on whatever day ! No I didn't ! My friends, a lot of whom had daughters who were friends with mine, cannot understand why ...some of them have said they are going to phone her 'to give her a piece of their mind !' I said no, just let it go ....her decision nothing I can do about it !

I do wonder if it isn't our fault as parents ...did we make their lives seem as if nothing was too much ....and when they suddenly find how difficult life is they blame us ? Like many of you, I provided her with all the contents of her house, her car, when she was at Uni I paid the rent and gave her a credit card in my name so the bills came to me ...a clothing allowance, and when I went to visit her I would take her shopping for new clothes, things for the house, food etc .....

In my husband's case, he hears from his daughter around once a year if he is lucky ! She totally fogets Father#s Day, birthdays, anything else ! I e mailed her a couple of years ago when he had a second stroke ...not one word ! In the last couple weeks her live out #partner# has died .....we have tried to be supportive and ask if she needed help ..she did say thank you but she is surrounded by friends locally who knew him....which is good to know ! During one brief telephone call last year, she was saying she had just sold her central London flat and bought a flat at the seaside ...and her dad was just chatting, saying how the cost of living had gone up etc etc and we didn't have as much money as we once did (not complaining or asking for money, just conversing !) ....her reply 'well, you shouldn't have spent all your money then ' ! Bearing in mind it was he who gave her the deposit for her flat many years ago, and she sold it for 400,000 I did think it would have been nice of her to send him something for Christmas (he always sends her money ...) but nothing arrived, not even a card !

With all this daily moaning about how wealthy OAPs are and how poor 'children' are it gets a bit wearing ! With so many unemployed and so many on zero hours contracts et al, the generations are not paying into the system ...will be interesting to see what happens if they ever reach the pension age and there is nothing in the coffers .....

So yes I do have sympathy with all of you in a position like ours ......perhaps we should act as selfishly as they do and if we had any money, spend it ! I have a friend doing just that ....just off on her second holiday this year and its not even March ! she says #I looked after my children , gave them what I could, and now it is my turn! Can't fault it ...after all, they are never likely, she says, to step forward to care for her if she needs it, and ours certainly would not be happy ! When I was about 40 my daughter said to me 'Im putting you in a home when you get old' ! Thanks I said ..I just hope you can afford it !

I have a bit of a reverse situation. I've lived a long time in my current house and, if I wanted my mum to visit I would have to drive for forty minutes to collect her and then do the reverse journey to take her back BUT....she gets a free bus pass, doesn't do much with her time and the bus to get to where I live goes past where she lives and would be a free and entertaining journey. She has never had a handle on what is going on in my life..... she can come out with very blunt, negative comments.....I'm too fat, too thin, etc. i was never good enough even though I got a well paid profession, took myself to university late in life and am the only one of my siblings who married in church. Both my sister and brother have failed marriages behind them. I can't do right for doing no wrong.

Don't contact her.Wait till she notices the silence.