Why does my daughter treat me this way?

I'm so glad you came back with an update and wish you all the best, SandraK. I was worried as your daughter has had a rough ride on here from some posters who can have no idea what she's really like. I would also take issue with some of the sweeping generalisations about "the youth of today", most of whom are just the same as most of us oldies - muddling through, trying to do their best by everyone, but only human after all.

I think you and your family come across as caring and loving, and have an awful lot going for you.

Fantastic support in previous threads SandraK.
It seems you felt resentful after being The-Hostess-with-the-Mostest over Christmas for 5 days. Perhaps shortening the family's Christmas stay to 2 or 3 days would suit you better?
OR maybe YOU could stay with the family this Christmas?
OR have Christmas dinner at an hotel/restaurant?
I think we have to accept messages by text nowadays, like it or not!
But... want you really want is a little chat with your daughter. So why not just tell her that? Also tell her you feel a bit down in the dumps and would very much like a regular weekly phone call (on a set day and time) and say it would be something for you to look forward to and would cheer you up. No need to be a shrinking violet...

I think it was Azie who mentioned the way young people conduct relationships today is fairly superficial. My adult children tend to text me, and it's rarely to find out how I am or what I've been up to. More often than not they text to ask if I am available on certain days for babysitting duties.

It does make me feel rather redundant and unloved. I know they care, they are good children and work hard, but they see me as a fairly independent woman I think. (I divorced their father when they were young. He was a selfish man and wanted very little to do with them. ) Ironically, they are in touch with him and make arrangements to meet him for drinks and meals, etc. I feel very unneeded and unloved. There is no animosity, but the close relationship we used to have when they were younger has vanished.

They share their lives with Facebook friends. I am on Facebook and tend to find out what's happening in their lives that way.

Not only that, some of my Facebook friends have grown children who seem very open and loving. They almost gush their love for their great mothers and direct special posts their way. Mine never speak directly to me via Facebook, or even acknowledge my posts.

How strange is this, feeling out of the loop on line as well? Isn't it daft?

My feelings regarding the original post are that again we have a rather selfish or self centred young woman who rarely thinks about her mother. Like my children, she makes so little effort to include her mother in her life. I think family is precious and you have to work and make and effort to keep it together. A text is a strange indication of caring but I guess some of us have to be grateful for the odd message. I share your sadness but I am not sure how to solve the problem.

Sometimes I think I'll become distant and let them get on with it, but I know I'd be cutting off my nose to spite myself and would have even less contact with the children and grandchildren I love so much.

I think I would have resented the expectation to call my mother every 3 days. When the children were younger it was hard to have a genuine conversation with my husband every 3 days!

I am sorry that this is happening to you. I empathise as mine don't see me as a person but expect me to be there when it suits. I have now decided to be more selfish and 'do' my own thing. I know they love me but are so wrapped up in their busy lives they have tunnel vision. I have told them 'Don't cry for me when I am gone if you don't take the opportunity now!' It worked for a while and then it went back to being taken for granted. I brought them up with the skills to fly the nest but wish, at times, they could be homing pigeons! All the best ?

I have found this thread fascinating and helpful. Thank you for starting it SandraK and I'm glad you 'very found it helpful too. Like others I had a mother to whom I wasn't that close and I tried, and thought I'd achieved, something better with my daughters. In a way I have, we talk as I and my mother would never have done. But this world they inhabit, of texting, Facebook, Face time, Instagram, Snapchat and more! I don't pretend to understand it but I can see how it preoccupies them and how it provides so many relationships to be maintained. I'd like to think I had some priority but sadly, now they're grown I'm just one of many. I notice that many of my daughters' peers are saying they don't want children because they're too much of a commitment and they get in the way of careers and having a fulfilling life!

I'm not sure If some find it easier to 'get on with their lives', is it to do with temperament or family style? I'm quite outgoing and I have interests but I am sad that I hear less than I'd like from my daughters. I try not to let it get me down but sometimes it does. I try to stay away from those thoughts and make the most of everyday, life's all too short. Sad though.

I have only sons. The youngest, now 21, will phone us for a chat and we phone him. Speak probably about twice a week with occasional E mails as well. The other sons I tend to phone and they are happy to chat and tell me their news but don't tend to initiate phone calls.One is travelling and we communicate by E mail only. When I phone a friend with three daughters they are so chatty on the phone . Men are a different species!

I do find these family threads fascinating and also somehow comforting. I too only have sons. They are totally wrapped up in their wives and families day to day. We see them four or five times a year (they live some little distance away) by arrangement. They are both much more involved with their in laws and this does hurt. But thinking objectively, they are happy, fulfilled, independent human beings. So I'm glad of that and count my blessings.

That's a good point azie. It's true that young people tend to have hundreds of online friends and therefore spend a lot of time maintaining those relationships. In years to come I imagine sociologists and anthropologists will be recording the great shift away from 'real' relationships and interactions face to face as the need to stay in touch (for much of the day) with 'friends' they rarely see. I ask you, when did people of our age have 'hundreds' of friends, and do we REALLY need to know what they are eating/doing every single day?

It's no wonder parents are slipping down the pecking order of importance.

I grew up with a sense of duty to my parents. No guilt trips, just the notion that they loved and cared for me and loved me unconditionally. I appreciate not everyone has good or caring parents, but the notion of family was very strong. As I raised my children and worked, I also found time to share my life with my dear Mum who needed us more as she grew old. Now it would seem some children resent or avoid giving time to their parents but would drop everything for a 'friend'.

When I was busy raising my children I didn't have much time for friends. We met occasionally, not regularly because they too were immersed in family and work. My priorities were different and I am able to see my friends much more now we are all retired.

It's the way of the world, but I am not sure a life lived online is social progress. Caring more about a vague acquaintance's sleepless night than your parents' and siblings lives and welfare is a strangely skewed priority and in truth, a bloody waste of valuable, precious time. Perhaps you do appreciate and value life more when you age and become aware of your mortality. I wonder if the phone generation will ever be able to put their gadgets down and smell the roses? Little ones now have their own tablets, and parent/child interaction is likely to change in the future too, I imagine.

I am aware of the irony of discussing this with strangers as I sit at my laptop! I am however off to lunch with my friend, and know that neither of us will feel the need to check our phones when we're together.

I conclude that we may be the first generation of older people cast aside because technology and social media mean more.

SandraK, When we retire and slow down, we forget just how stressful and hectic life is for the youngun's. Your son and daughter in law may not have enough time or internal resources even to give each other and their own children the attention they should have. You said yourself that you never seem to call at the right time - probably because there isn't one!

Your feelings are understandable, but in the circumstances I suggest it is for you to be sensitive and understanding to them? Except for one thing: tell your daughter that you can't afford for her to re charge your account any more. Give her a month or two's warning first.

I feel the same way .my daughter phones me and as soon as the hour is up she said I go to go now as after a hour it means she will have to pay for the phone call. It's really winds me up .she only wants to talk about her job .she hardly ever asks me how has my day been or how am I am feeling.as soon as I talk about what I have been doing she changes the subject.and as soon as I offer to phone her back she says I want to watch something on the television .are everybody's grown up children the same?

Just a thought, think back to when you were her age with a young family and working how often did you call your parents?

She did see you daily when you had your operation so clearly she isn't thoughtless, I think just so busy with family life and work.

I know I've worked out the best times to call one of my sons and grandchildren who live about 120 miles away and always ring at least once a week if I don't hear from them.
My other son and family live locally so I see them every week apart from the grandson thats at Uni. Its sometimes difficult as I'm still working but we've driven to see him at Uni and gone out for a meal and I'll have them over for Sunday Lunch fortnightly. Think you also have to make an effort to call them & invite them over if you want to see them. Don't dwell on it so much and find a hobby or go out with friends enjoy your own life.

I've carried on thinking about this post, the various replies, and the different ways we have of communicating with our families. I began thinking back a generation before technology was so instant and raised expectations.
My parents had to write to theirs, or go out to a public phone box to make a pre-arranged call. We'd go and visit the nearest granny every month or so for an afternoon, but the other one lived too far away. Unless they lived very close those families of yesteryear coped without hearing from each other so often. Maybe, in its way, all this instant communication is another pressure of modern life.

"Don't cry for me when I am gone if you don't take the opportunity now!" - what a truly dreadful thing to say to your family Smetterling!! What was the aim of that?

And Brendaj - I cannot imagine asking a child of mine to stay on the phone for an hour in their busy lives - no wonder she wants to hang up! I probably would by then. Occasionally we talk that long if lots has been going on, but that is a heck of a long phone call, and certainly nothing to feel resentful about.

To be frank I do think that some of the posters here are far too demanding of their families and that what they have is more than enough and nothing to warrant all this grumbling. I am at a loss to understand what all the gripes are about. And if you have this simmering resentment underlying every communication with them, that is going to make things sour.

I am noticing a couple of things; 1) most of us wish our children wanted to spend as much time with or on us as we do with them , but 'twas ever thus. Our mothers felt the same and our daughters will almost certainly do so too.
2) OP is sounding much happier and the original post has unmistakable overtones of depression (post pneumonia) in it.
3) some of us will be wondering what the problem is -so they spend one weekend a month with you?!!?! Chance would be a fine thing , but certainly our DDs' weekends are filled/booked up to months in advance , even more so now the DGSs do sporting things on a Saturday mornng. And a Christmas present made by a DGS is worth FAR more than anything his mum has bought along with the rest of her presents.
4) ring grandma to say goodnight?? Never heard of that! Who are you kidding?
Now some grans feel hard done by if they don't have a daily phone call, others think they are lucky if it is once a week, some would give their eye teeth for a call at all!
Everybody is different but I am finding that some of the moans are sounding more a bit needy and entitled. Mums who are walked all over by their daughters? Don't be a doormat! Be busy, be out, be otherwise engaged if a shopping trip becomes an arena for abuse! These are adult women , they can sort out their own shopping childcare.
The feeling I get (and I apologise to those to whom it does not apply) is of grans whose lives centre around their children and DGC and who have never LET GO .
TBH the thread title itself strikes me as out of all proportion. "Treat me this way?"
"How? What is so out of the ordinary? What is the big deal?"
Don't get me wrong, I love my DDs but they have young children and demanding careers. They have loving husbands and weekend time together is precious. Live and let live.

Day6 I do agree with all the points you made,and I think your last sentence - I conclude that we may be the first generation of older people cast aside because technology and social media mean more - is an important one because it is different now and the technology is getting in the way of human needs for face-to-face contact.

Not least, all the notifications and silly sounds mean that one is constantly called to take note of some new post or text and therefore the newest communicant is answered and somehow the mind is fractured by this endless stream and never able to stay focused or remember what you meant to do earlier in the day. This may not be true for everyone but it is certainly what I call 'the modern world'!

Something else about Facebook in particular, is that, if you are friends with your children then you are given an insight into the lives and friendships which we would never have had before. So many photos, parties, events, friendships, activities, it's no wonder we might feel left out and be encouraged to feel hard done by.

Mawbroon I do struggle with calling other people's sadness, grief, even anger, 'moans'. I know you are perhaps just being 'straightforward' but there is a lot of loneliness amongst older people in the UK and when I was growing up, you could depend on your family. That isn't the case now and some feel it more than others and the feeling changes from all sorts of reasons from depression to time of year to changes in personal circumstances.

I think you'd say my mother never LET GO, she was quite emotionally demanding and it's taken me many years to understand why and I wish now I had been able to understand better. It would probably have helped if she could have been clear about what she needed and we could have negotiated something instead of it feeling to me like emotional blackmail.

I sometimes wonder if this is a very British problem. People don't disclose their feelings, stiff upper lip rules but the feelings are still there under the surface and they can make people behave badly. 'I'm feeling lonely/down today' can be responded to with 'what can I do to help' and then perhaps something will change. I do agree that some may simply expect to be the centre of their family's lives and that isn't likely to be the case anymore in modern Britain unless they're very lucky.

Reading all these posts is sad reading, one thing is clear, spending money on children does not always bring the rewards one hoped for. These children are spoilt. They have been brought up to be materialstic and so they are. Some children are so nice you can't spoil them and you are lucky if you have one like that.
I was strict with my daughters and gave them a meagre clothing allowance and that was that, the rest they had to work for. It has not made them unhappy and when we now give them a sum of money to help buy a car or furnish a house then they are really grateful.
I have contact with them about twice a month and we don't send photos or many texts. They should get on with their life and I'm not going to hang on to them.
I love them both dearly but am not emotionally dependent on them. We have some lovely family days on birthdays etc.

My advice to all those hurt grans and mothers is to Back off!
Keep it up, remain polite when contacted but don't go spreading your love and affection and your money around where it is not wanted or appreciated.
If you cool down they might warm up!

I cannot be the only one who does not hope for rewards when giving my children financial help. I am no saint, but when I have done this there really are no "hoped for rewards."

I think as we get older the normal, simple things like contact with family become more important. The younger generation, however, lead busy fun lives doing exotic things so they don't give much thought to how we are feeling.
My daughter is quite quiet, but shares daily "conversations" about things she has heard or seen. Often she just sends WhatsApp links to a news article or a photo of the baby eating his lunch. It makes my day, whatever the subject, and can recommend setting this up on your phone because it's easy for everyone to keep in touch with minimal effort.

I agree 100% with both Luckygirls posts. I consider that I get on well with all my children and their spouses and families, but would never expect an hour's phone call or a weekend visit once a month. Ive never heard of grandchildren phoning to say goodnight either.
They (children) all used to do a 'duty call' once a week but it was often stilted as we tried to think of things to say/. Now we are in fairly frequent touch through email, texting and a family Whatsapp group. I find phoning is oftn inconvenient - they are putting children to bed or just going out , and we are often busy too if they do phone - in fact we tend to text and say eg 'would it be ok if I phoned tonight around 9 pm?' But this is quite rare.
I do feel a bit resentful when they all come here as it's a lot of work, but then I fell resentful if they dont come, as DH points out, so try to let it go and count my blessings! If the OPs daughter visits every month and is overly when they are there, what on earth is the fuss about? Many would give thir eye teeth for this sort of relationship!

Agreed, Lillie, WhatsApp is well worth the effort of setting up. You do need a decent phone though - on the last one I had it would take ages to load. I've inherited DD1's old iPhone now and it's instantaneous and so easy to use. We have a family group that we all contribute to and it's lovely to get daily news.

PS I dont think these 'children' are spoilt or selfish, they are just thoughtless , busy with their own lives, often holding down jobs and bringing up children and ferrying said children to various activities in evenings and weekends. I dont honestly think I treated my own mother any better though I loved her dearly - just took her for granted and didn't think of things from her point of view!

No,*Luckygirl*, you're not the only one. We give more to our children than we receive both in money and time. But then we have far more of both, so why not?

I remember when we were busy working and bringing up our DC we had little time for long chatty phone calls. I spoke to my mother on the phone often only once a fortnight and never to dad. He didn't do the chatty stuff. And we really only saw them for birthdays etc. They rarely looked after our DC as they had busy lives too before they became more dependent on us for help.

DD1 lives three hours away and I always text to ask when she'll be there for a chat as they both work full time and don't get home until after six, leaving little time for them to enjoy their DC after homework and tea has been sorted. I certainly wouldn't expect a good night nanny phone call!

I see a little more of our local family, especially lately as DS had needed our help moving house. But again, I don't expect to hear much from them. They're launched and have their own lives.

If the OP had managed to look after her DGC at half term I expect her DD assumed she was now well and back to normal.

Azie09 you take issue with my use of the word "moan". I accept there are many older people, (I am one) yes many are lonely, but many of the scenarios described sound as if the posters have unreasonably high expectations of daily contact, describing verbal abuse and financial exploitation as a price they have to pay for contact or else live their lives wanting to be "friends" with their DC, whether on FB or literally. Somebody started a thread recently bewailing the fact her DIL didn't have any pics of her MIL in her album on FB.
Talk on the phone for an hour??
Ring grandma to say goodnight? Puhleaze.
Yes it certainly sounds like moaning - trust me, there's worse things can happen to you.
Excuse me, I am one of these older people, I am frequently lonely but I am also an adult who can let my children live their lives without a chip on my shoulder.
IMHO OP has very little to complain about, try reading "My daughter has breast cancer" try reading "cut out of their lives" or try reading AlieOxon's heartbreaking thread about losing her daughter, a young mum, just last year .
"Why does my daughter treat me this way? " What way exactly?

No Luckygirl, you aren't alone in not expecting 'rewards' for financial or practical help given to adult children.
I'm beginning to feel unusual in that I live physically fairly close to my adult children and grandchildren and emotionally, I feel we share close relationships. Their live are very busy, establishing life long relationships with partners, caring for their own children and all working flat out to pay the bills. it's true that they have more material goods than I did at their age, for which I am thankful. I didn't have a fridge so kept the milk in a bucket of cold water, ineffective in summer of course. My mother didn't have a washing machine when we were babies, my grannie went to the wash house.
As for Facebook, I'm fb friends with many of my children's life long friends. I have the pleasure of watching their children grow up, visit places in school holidays, I see my own adult children on nights out, weekends away with their good friends. I feel lucky to be included, on the periphery.
I dislike the generalisations like 'all those baby boomers got the best of everything for free' - we all know we've been lucky in some ways and worked very hard as well. I equally dislike the generalisations knocking 'the younger generation'. Life is tough for all of us, tougher at some times than others. Love is the most important thing. (wanders off in Pollyanna frock)