Why does my daughter treat me this way?

I wonder if you are a little lonely and that your life has become focused upon your daughter and her family? If my youngest daughter contacted me fortnightly, I would be delighted. I haven't heard from her since New Year, and the contact then was initiated by me. I am close to my eldest daughter, but we only call each other about once a week and it's often me saying 'I'll have to be quick, I'm just on my way out'. Sometimes that is her response when I ring, but it literally means that, no hidden agenda. Your daughter and son-in-law actually sound quite caring of you, whilst juggling busy lives.

You also mention being depressed. It may be that you feel very negative about the situation due to these things. Perhaps see your GP and talk about how you are feeling. If you are clinically depressed, you may benefit from from antidepressant medication and/or counselling. If your mood is lifted, you may be able to join something sociable and make some friends. Age UK have social groups and events in many areas for example.

Nudejude. We can't ALL have raised a nation of spoilt children, surely!. I agree that they do behave in a totally different way to any other generation. I think my DG have grown about two inches every time we see them and they only live a five minute drive away. They are totally selfish and inconsiderate but always happy with the handouts. ??? The last time we saw the DG was on Christmas Day.
They just don't seem to have the time for anything after working all day, getting the children's supper and then to bed with a bedtime story!.
SandreK. You are not doing so badly. You have a daughter who loves you very much. Expecting your DG to phone you at bedtime is wishful thinking-they just don't have the time for that as they need some time for Facebook, twitter, whatapp and not forgetting the iPhone etc., etc.,. Be grateful for what you've got, you've even got a nice SiL.
You need a bit of cheering up. I do hope that after reading the posts on here that you will see that it could be a whole lot worse and just try to enjoy the good relationship you've got with your daughter.
When I see what my friend does for her daughters I just feel glad that I never had one. It's never ending.

I had a father whom I continued to visit every day after my mum died. However long I stayed was never enough. There were days when I had to drag myself out of the house in all weathers. I have always told my children dont ever come to see me unless you want to. I speak very rarely as my daughter has 3 little ones so the conversation is always disjointed through interuption from one of the little ones. I never ring her as she is always busy. She rings me when she can such as when she is waiting for them to come out of music lessons. Her brother always rings me when he is driving home, probably once a fortnight. As long as they are well and happy thats good enough for me. They have their lives and they know im here when they need me, as they would be if I needed them.

Love your post Victoria08 because I echo your feelings! But I have found a great solution to it - because I have lots of interests and commitments too which sometimes I just can't drop when the phone calls come in from DD for emergency help. So I suggest that DH can take my place and help out instead. He's just as capable as me to pick up or drop off the grandchildren in an emergency ..... or babysit if DD is going to be "a few minutes late getting home". If I am in her house with the grandkids on one of these emergency trips I would also empty the dishwasher, or fold the laundry etc., etc., but if DH is "on duty" he just lays on their couch watching the golf channel while the kids get their own drinks and snacks and amuse themselves! In other words he performs his babysitting duties to the lowest level!

Nudejude, so very very true

I am a mother, grandmother and still have a mother. So, I can see from many points of view. With expectation comes disappointment. I have no expectations of my children or grandchildren. The way I see it is they have their own lives to live, and I have mine. When we are in contact I love it - it's not overbearing. I too have helped our son to get on to the property market - why make them wait until I'm dead if the money is available now - and I'm so happy I could do that. I would not part with any money if I was to resent it at a later date. If you give, you must give freely without conditions (even unspoken ones) unless it is a loan of some sort.

My own mother, however, always complains to the rest of the family when she doesn't get the attention she wants. As I say, I have my own life and contact her when I want to. She is free to contact me, but prefers to wait for me to phone her. That's ok, as long as it doesn't become an expection, as I have a disabled younger son to care for too.

I am happy that my children are happy; I cannot be expected to make lives happy except my own (I'm alluding to my mother here).

This may seem very matter of fact and devoid of much feeling but that's the way it is.

I hope you find your way, and perhaps start finding peace and happiness in life. xx

I hope you are feeling better SandraK from the pheumonia. That illness can really pull you down and magnify everything that can cause you to feel upset.
I think todays young lead such different lives, under great pressure from busy careers,parenthood and have higher expectations of what life should be.
I love my daughters very much, but I don't receive weekly phone calls or expect to. I know they are on the go all the time, and have to fit in so much. Sometimes I text them with the message - "Are you out there?" - meant with humour - and before long they ring for a chat and a catch up. I understand what you mean about always seeming to ring at the wrong time - hence the text.
I know, with hindsight, that I took my own parents too much for granted, and your post has made me consider this.
You acknowledge that your daughter has been there for you in the past and, reading between the lines as well, it sounds as if her family is struggling financially.You've helped them and been a good mum. Try not to feel guilty about the past - you can't change it. Look to the future - and believe me and lots of others on here when we say contact every 2 weeks isn't bad.

Can you use WhatsApp? If your daughter is on it, you could get in the habit of writing a very brief message or asking a quick question
every few days or so that she could respond to with no effort. That way you are slowly normalising more frequent interaction.

I feel for you ladies who have little contact with there offspring, however after reading your posts I feel very blessed because my DD also lives the very modern hectic life but she calls me every morning after the school run on her way to work and we chat for 15 mins. And my DD in Australia calls every 2 weeks and we FaceTime for an hour and she runs her own business and has 2 Gds of mine. Without sounding harsh I do believe she could make the time if she wanted to. Hope you've recovered from your illness.

I have found that friends are more important than family to some of our children. It's not something I understand. I would never put friends before family but that seems to be the way it goes now. This almost caused a rift between my DD and me but I have come to terms with it now and things are a lot better. I can't change it so there is no point in getting upset over it. Our granddaughter never contacts us but we see her regularly and she always rushes forward to hug and kiss us. She is a teenager and has a boyfriend, so I don't think grandparents are high on her list of priorities, although she is always lovely with us and happy to see us.

I can only say how very lucky I feel after reading the above posts. My family are always on the phone, texting or popping in, some more than others but I know they are all there for me.

I don't find the idea of sharing a bank account in the least odd if you know you can trust them. I am going to do that with one of my sons when we get round to it. I have seen cases when a parent has become incapacitated and their children have had to jump through hoops in order to use money in the account to pay bills etc. so to me it makes sense. We have all discussed it and are in total agreement as to which one should be added.

I don’t think this is uncommon or a personal as it feels. I brought my daughters up alone and worked so hard to give them the up bringing I didn’t have. I still support them both particularly financially and emotionally. I however get very little in return and they only call me when they want something.
I lost my husband last year and there was no understanding and very little support.
I think it’s that this is their expectation of my role they don’t see as a person in my own right but as their mum and that’s my role.
I was very different with my own mum even though my mum could be cold and uncaring.
My older daughter is very critical of me yet can’t seem to cope without me. I just am the best person I can be.Always there when they need me.
My daughter asks me to come shopping with her to mind the her daughter while she looks around, but then she makes it very clear that I get on her nerves. She puts me down and moans at me in front of people. She expects me to pay for everything she buys. She went for me so badly in a shop last week that I went into a changing room and cried. She apologized after but she really had no idea how her stringing words and criticism hurts. ( she never knew I cried)
If I try and clear the air she becomes on the defensive then stops talking to me and refusing to allow me to see her child. I have just gone two years without seeing my granddaughter and still have no idea why.
I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks and my other daughter refers to me as “nanny nut job” to her kids and all her friends they all seem to think its funny. I pride myself on my loving kind nature so I will not compromise who I am by retaliating but I won’t play the victim either. I just be the better person having no expectations of them, I ask for nothing and look after myself. I can hold my head up high, knowing that I am, and have always been there for them and my grandkids and that I am proud of who I am even if they are not.

#can'tRelate

I think your posts are very sensible Luckygirl and I agree entirely.
This is normal really, and unless we spent every other day ( ourselves, years ago) thinking about our parents and keeping in touch) then we must allow our DC to fly the nest, live their own lives etc.If they never got in touch, that's another matter.
I think you should try and improve your own life by joining clubs, WI, and go out and meet friends locally.Buy a dog, that gets you out and about and they are a good companion too.

It's really interesting to read the perspectives of those of you who have grown up children and GC. Am just so sorry to hear how many people feel lonely and saddened by not having enough contact/ receiving enough attention. It must be a really tough situation and I know I often wonder what will happen when my (only not through choice) primary aged DS is grown up! As a Mum and daughter in her 40s I find the sweeping generalisations about my generation fascinating. We all do it about each others I know! I guess I wanted to add that many stories are probably a little simplified on here. I have to work F/t nowadays or there will be no pension for DH and me later on. It's tricky with a child but takes some organization. However, I would be in touch with my DM really frequently IF we had a good relationship. She genuinely has MH problems and always has had. She doesn't recognise this really and as a result myself and siblings spent our childhoods fearing her outbursts. They're still never far away! We all keep a bit of a distance for self-preservation reasons. I'd also prefer DS not to see his GM when she gets very upset so we need to keep things light tbh. I feel like a cr*p daughter but I really can't get too close. My Mum would undoubtedly say I was being selfish and probably wouldn't acknowledge my perspective. I get that. I'm not saying that it applies to any previous posters but sometimes you do get out what you get in! I have several friends who haven't had kids due to their own difficult childhoods. I know we're all adults but sometimes the relationships formed in our early years are not altogether healthy.

pinkjj27why on earth do you allow yourself to be abused ? would you just stand their and let a stranger speak to you like that ? Please respect yourself

Sandra k,I do feel for you.I have a similar problem.I had a long and heated discussion with my daughter about 7 years ago.About her childhood,I brought her up the same way I was brought up,she was well fed and clothed in that sense,, but because my mother wasn't tactile, no hugs or kisses,I was the same,difference being I adored my mother we had lots of laughs and a happy childhood.I looked after my granddaughter from 3 months till school age and daughter appreciated it.But since that row I've felt nervous around her.She showers her daughter with love and she's a lovely mum.we were close when granddaughter was young.Now she 18 and there great pals, and I'm really jealous of there closeness( shameful I know)I just feel she tolerates me.I go and stay overnight sometimes,and she's very abrupt sometimes,and I feel very hurt.I do keep busy have lots of hobbies, holidays and I'm fit and healthy,happy marriage.I suppose we can't have it so to speak.It hurts I know.

Can't have it all I mean

I'm sorry (and no doubt lots will get at me) but you chose to give them all those things! If you expected something in return then that's manipulation!
People nowadays have busy lives and if you had your grandson over half term it means that they obviously both work!...having time with him is worth so much more than money.
Forget about trying to "buy their love" (they are probably embarrassed by the lavish gifts) and just be together

Am constantly amazed at the posts from people who financially 'prop up ' their ADULT children, and this is truly the operative word here. Our daughter knows that in an emergency we would help her , but having brought her up to be a responsible and capable person ( surely the goal of parenting) she so far had never needed to . Probably far too late now ' tho for OP to put this into practice.

SandraK, i feel for you but as much as you love your DD, please try and make a life for yourself. If you can find a club of some sort that you enjoy you will make new friends. Leave your DD alone, do not contact her. First job is to get a single bank account. Live life, be happy, forget the past, that is done and over with and cannot be changed.
My 2 sons rarely phone me, my DD died at the age of 26 years so I feel disappointed in them, the boys, but to compensate I go out somewhere different everyday. Hope this helps. You are not alone.

MaggieMay69 is right. People are not mind readers and can be thoughtless. It doesn't mean they don't care. You could arrange a time with her (when neither of you will be distracted with other things) to let her know - gently!
1) how you feel
2) what she can do to change things/make you feel better and less taken for granted.

Good luck.

I think a spaceship is a lovely present from a grandson, he was thinking of you when he made it. My eldest GD just turned twelve has put me on Instagram so we can chat. On the other hand I don't expect or get many phone calls from my children, life has changed, they are more likely to send a message if they want to tell me something. I know they all care, on the other hand my niece and I can talk for hours on the phone, she is living in an isolated area with her two boys and gets lonely.

Pink I think it's about time you stopped the flow of money to your ungrateful daughters. It's terrible the way they both speak to you and you need to tell them you have had enough.

I believe a lot of daughters tend to off load their frustrations and bad tempers on their mothers. Who else will still love them after being spoken to in such a disrespectful way. Imagine if they they carried on like that to their friends, they would be told very soon to get lost.

Time passes so quickly in modern working lives. I think maybe you are phoning at the wrong time but it is difficult to find the right time when people have busy lives Getting a phone call once every 2 weeks is not bad and I don't know why you expect your grandson would phone you to say goodnight! Could you arrange.a set time once a week to talk with them.

You saw them for 5 days at Christmas, I think many grandparents would be lucky to get one full day. It was lovely your GS made a personal gift for you and he must have thought you would like the model he made for you. As for the mugs and sweets maybe your daughter is saying we don't need to exchange expensive gifts at Christmas so follow their lead next year.

I presume you share a bank account with your daughter so she can pay for things on your behalf, hence her changing everything she buys you to your account.

I think your depression is not helping how you see things and you are getting upset. You are expecting them to behave how you want them too without thinking how they want it to be. It was lovely you helped them with the house but you were not buying into their lives and must except their choices,

Thank you everyone so much for all your support and advice. I have learned something from everyone and it has helped me a lot. In your own way, although so many different viewpoints, you are all so right in what you've said. To answer the question about the money: I went from having nothing for 17 years, and working day and night to help while she was at Uni. 15 years ago my parents died within 2 months of one another. They had planned to spend most of what they had, but it didn't work out that way, and my life changed overnight. My daughter was brilliant at that time also.

As for the joint bank account, it is one I set up so she could have access to money if she needed it. She only uses it to recharge me if she's got something on my behalf, or to take out the money I pay for my GS's music lessons etc. I really don't mention what I've done and they have said how much they appreciate it. I'd just like to know they think of me a bit more often! They do visit at least once a month for the weekend and we have a nice time when they are here.

You are right, I must count my blessings and accept that life is like that today. I didn't have a close relationship with my mother but I think in those days people thought about things differently. Life was just as pressured - but we didn't have texts and FB.

I do have a very full life of my own. I'm very active and belong to many things on a voluntary basis. I keep very busy.

As for the bank of Grandma - I've done what I wanted to do, and what my parents would have wanted me to do. I am generous by nature and I guess I'm disappointed that my daughter has turned out "careful". But yes, I will slow down on what I do. It's time to spend on me instead for whatever years I have left now. But I always feel guilty when I do!

Thank you all again. I have loved the messages.