My heart has just been broken.......

i was going to say the same as Elegran.

Sounds as if he is a bit depressed. As for putting up with him well that is how we all feel with our life long partners sometimes.
I sometimes feel that my whole family is just putting up with me - I can be difficult and short tempered at times.
You have obviously never had a broken heart its much worse that that. It is daily emotional pain but even that passes eventually,

Give your DH a big hug and cook him his favoutite meal. Not that he will now say the words you want to hear but men are not known for their empathy.

Margaret you are right to be broken hearted over a throw away comment is too sensitive maybe you are just not feeling confident with this forth coming party travelsofar but honest if that's the worse comment you've had you're one lucky lady

Maybe family gatherings ignite a need to turn to alcohol, and that is why he doesn't like social gatherings as deep down he struggles with his alcoholism in situations like this. Tread carefully.

Have you come across the "Love Languages" concept? Maybe you two are talking a bit at cross-purposes.
www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/communication-and-conflict/learn-to-speak-your-spouses-love-language/understanding-the-five-love-languages

Don't be heartbroken Travels. Sounds as if he was just not looking forward to the gathering and maybe a bit sorry for himself. You've done so much over the years and, by the sound of it, have been successful. Try to enjoy the gathering but keep an eye on him, he does sound depressed.

MawBroon you are without doubt the sage of this 'outfit'. A million times Bravo!

That sounds like a rather common phrase to have caused you such distress. Is there something more to it for you?

People with drink and drug problems lose empathy towards others andyou sound as if you have been an absolute brick so haven't you heard similar or worse from him already?

When we are feeling low things hurt us more, have a look a t your own wefare and don't let something trivial break your heart, it is the stuff that sulks are made of. you are better than that and you know it. Are you mourning the life you might otherwise have had without his issues??

I think he was hoping to trigger denial. He needs some comfort and reassurance if you feel up to it with all the other things to think about at the moment.

Good luck, I hope all goes well for the get together.

A subject a little too close for comfort and funnily I had just open up gransnet to write.
I am in a relationship with a man who has a drink problem ..although he is in denial and is very abusive towards me. When I first met him he was attending AA and all seemed to be going well we even had a wonderful holiday in Italy when he didn't touch a drop. Fast forward a few months hes stopped attending AA meetings and it's been a roller coaster with him drinking on and off. It's when he touches the vodka then it's rock bottom not just a glass or two but bottles. At this point he becomes worse I can cope most important times and i have left him only to return again several times.
When hes not drinking which can be period of weeks he is the sweetest kindest and lovin
g partner.
I know he suffers from depression and has had a few bad periods in his life personnel and heath wise ..ive tried all I can to support him emotionally but it doesn't seem to be enough.
I really don't want to leave him but the last 18 months are begining to take their toll on me.
Fortunately I don't live with him and still have my own place with a wonderful supportive family who know of his drink problem..
I've thought about making a clean break and finishing the relationship but my heart isn't in it. I still love him and I know he loves me.

I would suggest that it is not going to help either of you if you 'simply ignore' this! He has expressed a pretty powerful thought/emotion and if it is not addressed it will fester...
My mother was an MG counsellor in the days before it became 'Relate' and her advice when 'struck' by a remark like this was always to respond by describing how that made you feel and giving them space to elaborate.
It is not too late. Pick a time when you are feeling 'strong' (not hungry, tired or upset already by something!) and you both have time - eg having a cuppa together - and say something like 'do you remember the other day when you said XXXX to me? Well that upset me a lot and I keep thinking about it and what you meant...' Then give him space to respond and...more space perhaps with the odd encouraging or prompting noise/comment. Given that he said that 'off the cuff' he can now think about it more carefully.
It is helpful if you consider in advance the possible array of his responses so that you can anticipate how you will probably feel. If he says ' Yes I'm sorry that was a bit strong but I was feeling... you can explore it further if he seems to be in the right frame of mind. Just by listening, accepting (with your own feelings of course) and giving him space you are demonstrating that you care in a profound way.
If he responds in an aggressive way - repeating or developing the original remark instead of being offended or outraged observe ' Wow you obviously feel very strongly about this - can you tell me more/explain etc?
In our family, since Harry Potter's Dolores Umbrage, we talk about 'taking Umbrage' and try to laugh about it but Umbrage is the enemy of partnership and needs to be recognised and left in a cupboard!
It is far easier said than done - but once you try it and feel the positives that flow from it it is far easier. (counting to ten before responding is another rule of thumb here...)
All the best(:

Don't over-analyse everything someone says, particularly a man :-)

Travelsafar How important is it to you that you attend the next family gathering?
I wonder what has suddenly made your husband bring up the subject of 'how do you put up with him'.
You appear a very independent person and your family sound very important to you and maybe you believe your husband should feel the same.
Men will always subconsciously be 'me Tarzan you Jane'
That you have done what appears to be 'everything' for him in the years you have been married and have quite openly let him be aware of this I am not surprised the poor guy is feeling superfluous to requirements.
I cannot advise what to do for your future only the present.So cancel the family get together, go of somewhere together for a short break and book a session with Relate on your return .Don't let it get to the point of no return.

Travalsafer
PS You are his wife, for better or worse, not his mother.

He's feeling insecure and sorry for himself..... somewhat depressed as well without the prop of alcohol. You've done a wonderful job to keep the relationship going - I know I couldn't......

Sounds to me like he's feeling you are "in charge" and therefore he's not valued. Sit down and talk to him about how you both feel.

My DH is/was an alcoholic and he cannot cope with any gathering where there is alcohol . Our extended family are not big drinkers but even so he chooses not attend any gatherings nowadays - difficult if it's at your place ! DH has never really addressed his problems that the alcohol masked . Maybe it's the same in your OH case .

Difficult for you not to over react, but don't take it out of context...at least he has spoken to you so you are fortunate ! My firs husband (compulsive gambler ,,,came home on Christmas and announced he was leaving as he didn't love me anymore and wanted to 'find himself; (!) .....and ran off with the local barmaid !!

Second long term partner was a womanising depressive ...ran off with someone from the US he had never met ,,.....]

Second husband former (his family tell me) member of the AA (and not the road organisation !) .......now has been diagnosed with Parkinsons and Dementia .....

my brother said ;You know how to pick em '! ....so , yes, ask him how he feels, tell him how you feel discuss and see what happens ! Good luck ! Where there is life there is hope Bon courage !

Insist that he explains his comment , as it has left you confused & heart broken. Perhaps that will lead onto an honest discussion which will clear the air & allow you to both move forwards with an even better understanding of each other.

There must be more to this or else I m just not reading it right ....your partner says ' you just put up with me ' and you're heart broken I don't get it what's is there to break your heart about that sentence, was it his tone of voice or was it in context with other words that hurt you If you have done so much for him over 20 years including being the bread winner maybe he feels totally useless and was trying clumsily to say that maybe he's the one who is broken hearted over feeling he's let you down all his life

Well said BLUEBELL , that's kind of what I meant , but you have put it so much clearer

Moxeyns - I have looked at the 5 Love Languages info you posted. It is excellent, and speaks volumes. You may remember me posting in a similar way to the OP about being told by my husband to "act my part" - it is so easy to feel hurt by something said.

I am a bit like the OP's husband - I am really out of my comfort zone at a meeting of husband's relations. To me, all his daughters (3) is like having 3 mother in laws to deal with, let alone his son as well. They all want things from him, and I feel neglected. I therefore feel some sympathy for him. There must be something you are saying or doing which is giving this impression. You do need to discuss why he feels like he does. In my case I build up frustration, and get angry. It does not help if you can't admit this.

The OP's last post, yesterday, suggests that she now realises that, Bluebell.

ps and doesn't want to take it all so seriously (I think?)

I think I should add that we had a first wedding anniversary card last Sunday (from our Church) with swans on the front. My husband wondered whether it was from his first wife, because she liked swans apparently. Now that is hurtful !